Peer Pressure

 

 

 

ItÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ã¢ââ¬Å¾Ã¢s Friday nightÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ãâæ Party night.

 

 

 

You know all teenagers have a little ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ãâ¦Ã¢â¬ÅpartyÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬ÃâÃ

Um. It's ok. First few paragraphs are great, very nicely done. However, use of more description, sentence joining, connectives, and ' instead of " for speech marks would make this a lot, lot better.

 

 

 

Last paragraph - needs redoing. Maybe a bit more description in the penultimate paragraph.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wayne crawled to the door like a slug thatÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ã¢ââ¬Å¾Ã¢s been crawling threw salt.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Very nice line, but threw is 'through,'

 

 

 

I also like the names, but you call John Jeremy at the beginning. :lol:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But otherwise, I definitely like the beginning, especially first paragraph.

it was "okay". Not that I have alot of room to talk since I'm not the best author either...but I would like to point out a few things for "constructive critisism". I think to make the story to seem well put together you should like Issy said, consider rewriting the last paragraph. It seemed to me like you rushed through that part to get it finished or something? Also I suguest researching in on drugs that people use like that so you can have a specific name so it has more impact than "some kind of poison". But yeh I do like that you wrote a story about "peer preasure". Although the outcome was a bit extreme, and alot of kids might just be like "ah that'd never happen to me" and they won't take away anything from the story. But yeh...thats all! lol. Its your story, do with it as you wish. :D

Very good. I liked the passive story telling. No feelings or such...or very little. It was mainly events. Shock tactic.

 

 

 

The thing is that you changed peoples names 'Jermey'(Eddy's friend) changes to John. 'Wayne' also changes to John...Unless John is another character that we do not know about...