Merry

[[Okay so, heres the begining of a kind of recent poem I wrote. It was very hard for me to choose a favorite, and I probably wouldn't go as far as saying this is my very favorite, but I do like it alot.]] As I gaze into the mirror with open mind in thought I see the image that is there the reflection that I see is but an outer shell of me but the question is not what I see but what God see's inside of me

Hmm, that reminds me of a story I had begun (actually here on tipit forums) last year or so. I started it midway with a girl and a dead body. haha. So I'll tell you what I was told. This has potential, but you need to finish it. Tie together the peices. I never did, and I regret it. But I'm just to lazy to continue with it. lol. Either throw away the Idea right now completely before it has grown interest, or finish it. lol. Look, I found my story! http://forum.tip.it/viewtopic.php?t=218746&highlight= Now that I've re read over it I realize how crappy it is...lol. but you can see what I mean. My original idea started with the girl and the dead body. lol. So yeh...when I read your sentence it reminded me vaguely of my own. or atleast my original concept/paragraph.

Any constructive critisism? Or a simple "Nice story" would even do. :P

I usually don't like to say bad things about others poetry but to be honest I'm going to have to agree with Issy on this one... I also didn't quite get the point being made? It didn't impact me like I'm sure the writer intended it to... A poem is defined as and I quote therefore what I would consider what your friend wrote to be along the lines of Prose* with a dramatic flare. He might as well of written it as a story,rather than breaking up the sentences and calling it a poem...atleast it would of made more sense that way...No offense... Thats just my two cents worth... * Prose is the ordinary form of spoken or written language, without metrical structure, as distinguished from poetry or verse.

The following is a story I wrote in like 15 or 20 minutes...just a spawn of an idea...tell me what you think. Its not written that well but what do you expect from a story written in such short of a time period. :P Basically I want to know what you guys think of the general Idea. I can always re write it later...lol. but yeh. Once upon a time there lived an evil and conniving jester in the kingdom of Deragory who wished to dethrone the current King- King Drephas. He was a greedy jester who coveted all that King Drephas owned. So one dark and cloudy night he snuck into the Kings bedroom where he lay with one of his seven wives. Cerebellum was the youngest and most beautiful of his wives, and to Jerrel the Jester, the most coveted. He slid a small metallic knife out from his pouch which he wore at his side, coincidently one of the ones he used to entertain the king by day with...how Ironic? He stealthily made his way towards the king and with one blood thirsty stroke of the wrist he slit the king's throat and slipped away into the darkness. Cerebellum awoke next to the king's dead body and shrieked. "GUARDS! GUARDS! COME QUICK! THE KING IS DEAD!!!" Hurriedly they came stampeding into the bedroom, as Jerrel silently watched from afar. The next day the king's household was in mourning, while suspicions arouse of the kings untimely death. The king's wives whispered amongst themselves. "A murderer in the house?" "Who would be next?" "Could it possibly have been Cerebellum?" Cerebellums dreams were haunted by visions of shadows lurking around. One night the shadow came closer towards her until it was at her bedside and she stared into the eyes that lustfully stared back at her, she realized then that she wasn't dreaming, she was face to face with Jerrel. She could only guess what he wished to do to her. Frightened she cried out at the top of her lungs. Jerrel slipped away before the guards arrived. The Guards and Cerebellum were not quite sure if they should connect Jerrel with the murder of the king, perhaps Jerrel was just taking this opportunity for lack of king and wasn't connected to the murder...or perhaps he was. They pondered what should be done, and finally they decided to take him in, if anything for the safety of Cerebellum. Jerrel was outraged when the guards came for him. What did he expect? Jerrel began accusing Cerebellum of lying. He lamented and said she wasn't trustworthy, that she was an evil and conniving woman. She was the murderer, not him; she was just trying to cover up her tracks by lying! The Guards considered what he said and came to the conclusion that Jerrel may be right; it made the most sense after all. Wasn't she the one that lay with him the night of the murder? If it wasn't her why wasn't she murdered that night as well? So the guards took Cerebellum into custody and charged her with the murder of their king, high treason the penalty of which was death. Confused and in tears Cerebellum was executed for a murder she was not a part of. Jerrel having taken apart in the ruin of that which he had coveted most, realized he would never gain from the death of the king and slipped away never to return, he listlessly roamed the country side until his death. After Jerrels disappearance everyone realized what they had done and warned their children of Jerrel the Jester. The story was told from generation to generation and to this day, children and people of all ages still fear clowns and have nightmares of themÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ãâæ And you thought it was just a silly little phobia didn't you? :twisted:

Haha, yeh P.O.D's pretty cool too. :P. Oh and Emery and...A bunch of other bands. lol. :D Oh and like I said before...CHECK OUT RADIOU.COM :D

woah, I think my poems got lost in the varrok library...lol Good thing I found them before they were permanately lost! :P

it was "okay". Not that I have alot of room to talk since I'm not the best author either...but I would like to point out a few things for "constructive critisism". I think to make the story to seem well put together you should like Issy said, consider rewriting the last paragraph. It seemed to me like you rushed through that part to get it finished or something? Also I suguest researching in on drugs that people use like that so you can have a specific name so it has more impact than "some kind of poison". But yeh I do like that you wrote a story about "peer preasure". Although the outcome was a bit extreme, and alot of kids might just be like "ah that'd never happen to me" and they won't take away anything from the story. But yeh...thats all! lol. Its your story, do with it as you wish. :D

No, I was merely saying that it was lighthearted in a normally serious library? lol.

Hey, I really liked the change. btw, you wrote "HER eyes then wandered towards the welcoming flames as they danced in the fireplace almost entralling HIM towards them" I wrote that part as YOUR character. Isn't it a HE? lol

I think you should have like some random person enter the library on accident. like... "A gust of wind blows in as the giant oak door creaks open, "oops wrong building" the barely visible person mutters to himself, and minutes later he dissapears leaving a mess of windblown papers all over the place for some other kind patron to put to rights." or however else you want to write it...lol Also, just so you know-I don't sit on bean bags to read...I don't think their very comfortable,also since its supposedly cold weather, I would be sitting in front of a fire if there was one. I love reading in front of fires. you can do whatever you want since it is your story, but I was bored so I went ahead and wrote a part... "His eyes then wandered towards the welcoming flames as they danced in the fireplace almost entralling him towards them, Merry sat in her usual spot on the comfortable yet worn couch there by the fireplace. the light resonating from the flames danced upon her long brunnett hair,almost obscuring her face. her hazel eyes glimmered in the warm light. Barely noticing what went on around her she was engrossed in her favorite book, savoring it as if it was the first time she had ever read it."

I think you should have like some random person enter the library on accident. like... "A gust of wind blows in as the giant oak door creaks open, "oops wrong building" the barely visible person mutters to himself, and minutes later he dissapears leaving a mess of windblown papers all over the place for some other kind patron to put to rights." or however else you want to write it...lol Also, just so you know-I don't sit on bean bags to read...I don't think their very comfortable,also since its supposedly cold weather, I would be sitting in front of a fire if there was one. I love reading in front of fires. you can do whatever you want since it is your story, but I was bored so I went ahead and wrote a part... "His eyes then wandered towards the welcoming flames as they danced in the fireplace almost entralling him towards them, Merry sat in her usual spot on the comfortable yet worn couch there by the fireplace. the light resonating from the flames danced upon her long brunnett hair,almost obscuring her face. her hazel eyes glimmered in the warm light. Barely noticing what went on around her she was engrossed in her favorite book, savoring it as if it was the first time she had ever read it."

That is pure GENIUS!!! I freakin Love it! Its like a breath of fresh air in a stale library! lol. It cracked me up! :P

Thats pretty cool. I finally got around to reading it! lol. :P

Well FUN! People like my story! lol