well i dont have a name for this story, i wrote it about 2 years ago and then lost interest without showing more than 2 or 3 people.

 

 

 

its over 180 pages long according to wordpad.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

its written a bit unusual in that it is written half like a script and half like a story, and when different people speak theyr writing is colour coded.

 

 

 

it just made it easier for me to categorise peoples speach.

 

 

 

i never read a single section of it when i was writing, it just flowed out of my fingers and on to the keyboard.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

anyways, hope someone reads it :)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

http://www.geocities.com/makourain1/rs.doc

its interesting to see, it goes from the writing being awful at the beginning and gradually getting better and better as i got better at writing.

 

 

 

i finished reading it, it took me a week and i have reached the end of what i wrote, its not finished :shock:

 

 

 

if anyone reads it, my email can be accessed by my forum profile page, please let me know that you read it.

DANG SON :shock:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I congratulate you greatly, 183 pages is a ton of writing. I will start reading it after I'm done with my teaks though, I'm sure it will be a good piece of literature. =D> :D

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Once again, great job.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

By the way, welcome to tip.it :mrgreen: . One of the rules here is not to double post though, with the exception of your thread being on page two.

The beginning (no offence here, I appreciate this was two years ago) sucks. 'sb and horvic were talking in varrock in horvics workshop,'

 

 

 

Not particularly interesting.

 

 

 

Description and paragraphing are good but grammar is terrible.

 

 

 

Some tiny minor things in just the first few pages could really improve the whole feeling of the story. I'll just point out a few things you might want to note.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

the large man slid down to the ground and slumped over dead.

 

 

 

 

 

 

See how much more professional this sounds with only a few changes.

 

 

 

The colossal man slid slowly down to the ground and slumped over. Dead.

 

 

 

Even the tiniest things like the placing of commas and stops can alter the whole atmosphere. You want to get people reading at the right speed, (even in their head) pausing in the right places, 'slumped over dead' sounds like one phrase with little effect. Short sentences or phrases create tension as long as you don't use them too much.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Instead of

 

 

 

--flash back--

 

 

 

you could put just a few lines of writing which would take about five seconds but make a huge difference.

 

 

 

--His memory was suddenly roused as he remembered that fateful night many years ago.--

 

 

 

Also --flash back-- doesn't help me at all, as the beginning is already very confusing what with the different colours, people, jumble of events. It might help to put who's flashback it was as I had trouble working it out until I read

horvic; and i saw the whole thing

. I'm not saying you should make everything very explicit but a couple of details might be missing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

he wiped his mouth in a drunken motion, then stumbled toward the door and passed out.

 

 

 

I LOVE this sentence! Slighty descriptive, flows, with a hint of humour. Nice way to end a chapter about killing, on a comical note, maybe a comma after 'door' would help pronounce the fact that he passes out due to drink.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

lauren was a good natured woman, with a good natured husband, and they lived peacefully at the west edge of yanille. they lived happily in peace, and the peace was only ever interupted by ogres attacking from the south, but the yanille guard always beat back the attacks, usually with the help of some passing strangers. the only thing that would make their lives more happy would be a child. they had tried many times for a child and still they had not succeeded.

 

 

 

Again, maybe more commas? I put suggested ones in bold. It just helps the reader to understand the pace of the sentence, which can completely change the effect. Remember, capital letters for proper nouns and beginnings of sentences. In this particular case the repition of 'good natured' works well (I think it does anyway.)

 

 

 

Quite a sudden change from ^ to this paragraph. 'One day' is so cliched, maybe more original and descriptive, something like - 'It was a bright, optimistic-looking day when Lauren was strolling back from the Yanille markets, carrying baskets laden with fish, bread, and various exotic spices. She looked up to see the tower of the Magic Guild far above her, and suddenly had an idea.

 

 

 

(Don't repeat words alot, like 'walked'.

 

 

 

one day lauren was walking home from the markets in yanille with some fresh food and bread, she looked up to have a look at the towering magic guild building and had an idea. she walked over to the entrance of the guild and the guard stood in her way.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well I've read the first three pages but I'll continue with this later. Personally I think it's quite a fun, enjoyable story but you need to be more disciplined with yourself. When you've finished writing a certain amount, say a sentence, a page, or a chapter, read it back to yourself. It will help you to see everything from the reader's point of view and pick up the pace of the story. Well done so far! =D> (And for the record, 183 pages is AMAZING!)