Character introduction

[andufusthebronze]

This is my secdond draft of a character for my book - john. It is supposed to be a bit mysterious. I will add the histories and stuff later, right now I'm tired and don't really want to write it right now. but here it is

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

small note: Chapter unfinished the title might not make much sense but it will be clearer later. Issy I changed the title since the pm :wink:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter one: hunting darkness

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The forest is a scary place to be when you're alone, especially at night. But not everyone was hesitant of the darkness - a silhouette slipped through the trees like a fox - slick and silent. After a while the silhouette stopped in a small clearing, it was dark but small streaks of moonlight slipped through the fog. The figure looked around the small clearing and noticed it was about the size of a small campsite, except it was filled with the screeching of night owls and noises of the wild life.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The silhouette was the shadow of a man, he was known to his people long ago as John. He was a human who was a talented hunter; he had left his people after certain things that he chose not to remember. John looked up and ran his hand through his dark hair; he then tried to start collecting firewood. He found it hard to see through the fog but soon managed to amass a pile of dead twigs and branches, and when he was satisfied with it pulled up the left sleeve of his robes. He stretched out his hand and muttered some of the ancient ritual words that he was taught years ago. Three ocean blue sparks appeared from his hand, followed by a blast of pure fire.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It started to smoulder and slowly burst into life, it gave a warm glow and an unnatural amount of smoke curled upwards in the sky. That was an unnatural side effect of magical fire; it crackled loudly and then calmed down. The fire licked up around the wood, slowly turning it to ash. Very slowly John sat down and stretched his hands out, and sighed as he appreciated the small warmth that it gave. John swung round as he heard a small twig snap.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A large bear that had long matted hair stood in front of him. His hair was coated with small patches of blood, sweat and mud. His claws where long and pointed and sharp. There was a vicious look on his face, and he growled. John reached into his long robes and pulled out a knife. It was a small hunter knife, made out of fine steel. The handle was decorated with the moon tribeÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ã¢ââ¬Å¾Ã¢s symbols for the elements. The blade shone in the small light of the fire.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The beast leapt forward into a strike, by the skin of his teeth John dodged. ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ãâ¦Ã¢â¬ÅYou [bleep]!ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬ÃâÃ

[SuziAngel]

The content is good. Maybe you could consider restructuring some of the sentences...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

i.e.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A large bear that had long matted hair stood in front of him. His hair was coated with small patches of blood, sweat and mud.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

could be put like this ~

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In front of him stood a large bear, his long fur matted with blood, sweat and mud.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just a suggestion :)

[andufusthebronze]

cool, I'll work on that with my next draft. Thanks for taking the time to post :D I'll be doing my next draft once issy2 and LeeLee post because they always seem to be able to find errors :P

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I have planned John's first few chapters, I am having around 7 main characters and most of the time they are in three's or twos so I can write about them together, but as he is on his own. Well, its harder but you get a better outcome anyway these are his chapter titles so far.

 

 

 

Chapter 1: Hunting the Darkness

 

 

 

Chapter 2: Moonlight Blood

 

 

 

Chapter 3: Forest Elf

[issy2]

i like it. it's more smooth and it's an enjoyable read though some bits could do with editing. maybe the flashback should be a bit more abstract? the description is doing well. possibly some metaphors might work well.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But good job, keep working on it.

[andufusthebronze]

more abstract? how do you mean?

[issy2]

more abstract? how do you mean?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hm it's hard to explain... Abstract basically means less specific. For instance some bits are very 'obvious' because you (the author) tell us exactly what is happening. So I would say try and make it less specific, and make the reader 'guess' what is happening.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

For instance take these two paragraphs, imagine they're both flashbacks.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The castle was empty. the lights were dim. Candles were mounted on the walls and John crept slowly from room to room, trying to find what he was looking for - a beautiful silver sword inlaid with red rubies, diamonds, and other fabulous jewels. The huge blade was worth a huge amount - and John knew exactly that.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

No-one. Emptiness. Time, time to find what he was looking for... creeping through the semi darkness... there was nothing that could stop him now, John could sense that he was getting closer to what he had always dreamed of - riches, wealth, jewels... and with them came power! With that terrible, wonderous weapon, John would one day rise, and rule the world.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You see the difference? In the first one everything is told exactly how it is. But in the second you have to guess it.

[andufusthebronze]

hmm.... I think so, I'll work on it

[LeeLee]

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They jumped threateningly towards John and started to threaten him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Different word choices in some places, particularly the one above and shouldn't Master Martha be Mistress Martha? Ok now thats all out of the way I thought it was very good indeed :D for a working progress.

 

 

 

Sorry i didn't comment for ages. When ever i started to write issy pmed me.