January 6, 200719 yr Runescape was a peaceful place with races living in harmony with eachother.But there was a war going on behind the backs of the people the god zamorak and his followers had a plan.There plan was to destroy runescape and inslave its inhabitants. Our story begins in the peaceful town of draynor village where a young boy called leon who was only a meere level 5.But little did he know he was the most important person in the history of runescape. *leon aproaches his mother who was still griefing over the death of her husband who was killed by the zamorak monks* leon:mother i was wondering can i go and join the army or sarodamin you promised me you would let me go this year mother:*sigh* leon we had this discussion your just not old enough yet leon:but i am i have done anough training im geting better at my magic mother:i will regret this but go talk to sir amnik vas and ask to join the army leon:oh mother hwo could i repay you mother:dont die is enough for me leon good luck *leon walks out of draynor and gets lost along the away he tries of find a way to faldor but ends up finding the air alter* leon:wow its huge i wonder how i activate it ?:you cant leon:huh ?:not just yet you need a talisman of great power to enter which i happen to have leon:who are you ?:im sycosis leader of the black andgels clan leon:black angels? never heard of them sycosis:nobody ever has here take this talisman add me for firther information i wil contact you *sycosis vanishes* leon:thanks and....were did he go...oh well i wonder how i use this thing? what the ..... *the talisman pulls him towards the altar and he arives* leon:were am i ??:the air altar leon:but you dont look like a wizard your wearing old robes that look like **** ??:watch it kid and i am and i also lead the army of faldor leon:but i was told too look for sir amnik vas ??:hes on holiday i took his place leon:ok so what do i need to do ??: DIE! *he draws his sword and charges* leon:what the hell ??:HEHEHE leon:aaaaaaaarrrrrrrgghhhhhhhhhhhh *a force surounds leon with a shining light which got absorbed into a sword which he was now holding he was now wearing full rune armour* ??:what is this whitchcraft *leon strikes him ?? vanishes* voice:leeeeeeeoooooooooonnnnnn leon:what voice:reetuuurn tooo yooouuur viilaaaage leon:why voice:theee aaarmiiiieeees ooooof theeeee daaaark loooord aaareeeee iinvaaadiing PM-SYCOSIS:LEON GET OVER HERE QUICK PM-LEON:WHY PM-SYCOSIS:JUST HURRY OK *leon runs with sword in hand he finds his village in flames* sycosis:im sorry leon:what happened sycosis:the armies of zamorak charged in and destroyed the village leon:but MOTHER? *he runs to where his house used to be* leon:oh no *the corpse of his dead mother ley there* sycosis:im so so sorry leon:TAKE ME TO SIR AMNIK VAS sycosis:why leon:i have some payback to give sycosis:ill take you there on one condision leon:what sycosis:you have to vow not to run from enemies leon:why sycosis:we now fight side by side *sycosis holds out his hand leon grabs it* TO BE CONTINUED give it these marks STORYLINE ?/10 CHARACTERS ?/10 PRESENTATION ?/10 OVERALL ?/10
January 6, 200719 yr this is written as a script. why? Yes, I agree with you. This is more of a script than anything else. And it's not necessarily a story, it's more just characters talking as a plot-line. I'm sorry to say, but this could use Alot of editting. One last thing, when your writing a story don't put the actions of the characters into stars. It makes the story seem like your telling it to someone who's not interested in it.
January 6, 200719 yr Author well sorry its easier to read unliek this leon:where do we go next sycosis:to the hill giants leon:why sycosis:there is a trapdoor that will lead to the monks leon:i want revenge now your verson "were do we go next"leon said sycosis sais" to the hill giants" the first is easier to read
January 6, 200719 yr no, each time a diffrent person speaks you put it on a new line like so "where do we go next?" Leon asked "To the hill giants." Sycosis replied
January 6, 200719 yr Um I don't like it. You haven't exactly tried to make it an interesting read - it's written as a script with big mistakes, no flow, no description or, seemingly, effort. I'm not trying to be rude or anything, but I think you should try a bit harder.
January 6, 200719 yr Plus we know nothing about the god wars. :) the russians are the best! Hands down!
January 7, 200719 yr 1 being the lowest 10 being the highes STORYLINE 2/10 CHARACTERS 1/10 PRESENTATION 0/10 OVERALL 1/10 its a story not a play, didn't take peoples advice. go home!
January 9, 200719 yr Author OK LISTEN FFS i cant read something like "were do we go now"said leon "to the hill giants"said sycosis5 theres little diference bettween that nad this LEON:where do we go next SYCOSIS:to the hill giants and this is my version of the god wars
January 14, 200719 yr Author hello you probrably havent read the first one if you hevnt read it now sycosis:this will take a while the chaos alter is where the leader of the zamorak warriors is in hiding. leon:WARRIORS!! you said they were monks! sycosis:they ar etrained in all combat skills exept ranging leon:oh grait now we have to kill about 50 range,warrior hybrids sycosis:ive had worse leon:doubt it *sycosis' rolled his eyes with anoyance* sycosis:listen you dont know what ive had to go through leon:MY MOM IS DEAD *sycosis gets angry* sycosis:i was in the army of sarodamin in the civil war do you remember that leon:no the civil war was about 700 years ago you'd have to be over 700 years old to ahve been in that sycosis:anyway me and my friend were sent into enemy lines to rescue a captured soldier.when we went in there he was lieing deadwith a dragon long sword pierced through his heart. *leon is stareing at sycosis with worry* sycosis:they then capdured my friend and me they tied me to a wall,forced my eyes open and made me watch him get tortured and killed leon:what did they do to him sycosis:horific things you shouldnt even be heaRing this story leon:erm can we get going now sycosis:huh oh yeah lets go *they marched through draynor vilage to faldor where the whight nights castle and sir amnik vas was waiting* sycosis:this is the castle leon:doesnt look very big sycosis:heh you ain't been inside it yet lets go leon:right *they walk up 2 fleets of stairs and see sir amnik waiting* ?????:what the hell do you want sycosis:wheres sir amnik ?????:TOP FLOOR sycosis:why's he up there? ?????:hes being KILLED sycosis:! who are you ?????:the name is dream catcher sycosis:i dont have time to waste on you leon kill this moron while i rescue sir amnik leon:WAH no hes a lunatic im not fighting him dream:tough luck kiddo *leon pulls out his iron long sword* leon:ugh bring it on *dream catcher jumps into the air while holding rune throwing knifes he throws them at leon he dodges most of them.one gets stuck in his foot* leon:AAAAARGGGGGHHHHH damn it AAAAARRRRRGGGHHHHHH *at that time everything froze but leons sword sudenly got hit a beam of light and leon could feel the energy rushing htorugh his body his sword turned bright yellow.he turned to dream catcher lifted his sword high* dream:hahahahaha leon:what dream: if you kill me how will you know the location of the zamorak temple..... leon:ugh dream:DIE *dream catcher slashed him left anhd right* dream:burn in hell *he teleports* *sycosis runs down the stairs* sycosiS: LEON! *leon lay almost dead on the floor* sycosis:we have to take you to the duel arena hospital quick...... can you hear me *leon didnt move* sycosis:he must be the chosen one im sure of it....... PART 3 COMING SOON
January 14, 200719 yr 4. When writing a multi-part story, please use one thread. This will help us to keep the Library in order. Please... please... please... Write in English that is readable. This includes using proper punctuation, grammar, and spelling! If you need help, here's a Writing Guide written by Darkrick. Save the library staff and the readers a headache: write properly.
January 14, 200719 yr I've merged your threads together - no need to make new ones for each part. They're both part of the same story. And please proofread before posting here.
January 14, 200719 yr Well, if you don't want constructive critism's then leave. Obviously your not going to take our advice and make a small and rubbish play-script.
January 14, 200719 yr OK LISTEN [bleep] i cant read something like "were do we go now"said leon "to the hill giants"said sycosis5 theres little diference bettween that nad this LEON:where do we go next SYCOSIS:to the hill giants and this is my version of the god wars Firstly - don't swear at us. Obviously this is a forum where we are going to give our opinions - if you can't deal with that then just get lost, it's not worth our time. All we're doing is helping - or trying to, anyway. Secondly, that's not the point. " 'Were do we go now?' said Leon" has so much more life and reality than "Leon: Where do we go next?" which just sounds cheap and artificial. The way we read it it could have been written in a matter of minutes and was not thought out or well presented.
January 14, 200719 yr Um I don't like it. You haven't exactly tried to make it an interesting read - it's written as a script with big mistakes, no flow, no description or, seemingly, effort. I'm not trying to be rude or anything, but I think you should try a bit harder. Yeah, also, please, please, please! capitalize the I's! I'll show you how terrifying a true Christian can be!It's Xewleer: ZEW le ar, got it memorized?Hermit of the Varrock Library and its proud guard.
January 15, 200719 yr OK LISTEN [bleep] i cant read something like "were do we go now"said leon "to the hill giants"said sycosis5 Listen, I know your're probably mad right now for all of us that are telling you to write better. Excatly what issy said, This is a forum where were all going to give opnions. And we're giving our opinions, but in the process, we're trying to help you write better, so in the future people won't argue or reason with you like we are. Alot of people who are trying to help you have been here for a long time and they know what they are doing, but may not be perfect. Trust me, If you follow our advice people will start to like your stories instead of people hating it.
January 15, 200719 yr Oh! I'm very sorry! I was referring to that author, not you! I'm very sorry for the mistake! And I'll fix what you said! :oops: I'll show you how terrifying a true Christian can be!It's Xewleer: ZEW le ar, got it memorized?Hermit of the Varrock Library and its proud guard.
January 15, 200719 yr Oh! I'm very sorry! I was referring to that author, not you! I'm very sorry for the mistake! And I'll fix what you said! :oops: Omg, sorry!!! I thought you meant me... argh I feel really bad now! Sorry! :oops: :oops: :)
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