Letal Ice

 

 

 

News:

 

 

 

1/27/07Chapter 2 posted!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1/26/07Chapter 1 posted

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1/26/07Intro Posted

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The story:

 

 

 

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Intro

 

 

 

The middle of Varrock was quiet, the fountains running peacefully, seemingly peacefull all around the town.. The General store had finally pushed away the last customer, and a door creaked open. James walked out of the bar, looked around, and within a glance new something was wrong. The tallest tower on the castle looked an eerie white color, not white as in Faladar castle, but an eerie, ghostly white. He looked up into the night air, as though waiting for a sign. There was a loud bang, a crash, and the sound of breaking glass. Within that moment, James heard a loud screeching sound, and the world began spinning around him. He felt a sharp pain on his back, and then felt another one on the back of his head, and fell to the ground.

 

 

 

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James thought he was dreaming, but it seemed so real. After being hit in the back of his head, he fell into a deep, deep sleep. Everything around him was black, pitch black like the night sky. A grim, evil voice sounded into his mind. ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ãâ¦Ã¢â¬ÅWhere is it boy?ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬ÃâÃ

meh, not bad, though I didn't quite understand the sudden stunning female possible love interest introduced for no good reason... oh well... You could have left her out and not hurt that chapter at all... but its the author's decision... so I won't comment on it any more...

 

 

 

5/10 so far... Will be expecting something better! You can do it!

O.O nice story! It was a fun read and got started quickly - I like the way you've got into the real plot even before Chapter 2. However I do think the chapters are waaay too short, it wouldn't do you any harm to put the Intro (correct name - 'Prologue' sounds more authentic) and Chapter One together and add some more detail - for instance may describe the bar James walks out of, and instead of 'looked up into the night air' you could make this more interesting by using unusual vocabularly - i.e, 'Stopped dead in his tracks, James's eyes flickered upwards to the inky dark canvas of sky,'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There is definitely alot of improvements you could make - brush it up here and there, the first sentence is ok but the words 'nothing wrong there' seem a little out of place. You've spelt Falador wrong with an A instead of O, and try not to repeat words.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I must say though in general the description is pretty good (maybe try to describe more things... set a 'target' for the amount of adjcetives/advergs per paragraph/sentence maybe), and so is your spelling and grammar. Lovely start, the title Lethal Ice also sounds fantastic!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

=D>

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

PS. New line for every new speaker! :)