A selection of poems: 'If only...' and 2 others...

This poem is part of a story; it is basically a love poem. The woman he [the character - Earuth] wrote about [Esta] finds it some time after, described below.

 

 

 

If Only:

 

 

 

My heartÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ã¢ââ¬Å¾Ã¢s a flutter,

 

My mindÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ã¢ââ¬Å¾Ã¢s ablaze;

 

I think of you,

 

And it just stokes the flames.

 

 

 

Your beauty incomparable,

 

Your charm matchless,

 

I long to be in your arms,

 

To hear you breathless.

 

 

 

Oh, oh! The wishes, the hopes,

 

The things I would do:

 

The things I would say,

 

The complements I would pay.

 

 

 

And then, with you at my side,

 

Our love immortal,

 

We would conquer the world;

 

I would raise my standard:

 

Our love unfurled.

 

 

 

If only, if only you knew,

 

If only, the things I would doÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ãâæ

 

 

 

 

 

It was four weeks later after Earuth [the character writing the poem] left, when Esta [the woman heÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ã¢ââ¬Å¾Ã¢s writing about] was sorting her papers. A small piece fluttered to the floor. Silently she scooped it up, unfolded it. As she read it, her heart filled with grief, for she knew what she must do; what must happen.

 

ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ãâ¹ÃâIf onlyÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬ÃâæÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ã¢ââ¬Å¾Ã¢ the soft words found no ears but her own as she carefully folded the paper into a safe pocket.

 

 

 

If onlyÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ãâæ

 

 

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

 

 

This poem is part of a story, a brief synopsis and explanation of the important parts that affect the poem are below.

 

 

 

In this poem, Earuth [the character writing] mourns the death of both his teacher and his love (the woman he wrote about in ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ãâ¹ÃâIf OnlyÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬ÃâæÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ã¢ââ¬Å¾Ã¢). They both died and he blames himself for their deaths; his teacher because of his stupid action, his love because she wanted to act. They are the ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ãâ¦Ã¢â¬Åboth of youÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬ÃâÃ

Loved it but it really broke out on the following:

 

 

 

Annexing my waking mind.

Line 22. Great phrase but it was out of step with the rest of the poem. More of an ending line.

 

Loo at me now -

Line 103. Look at the line.

 

From your grave,

 

A path did you pave.

Line 55-56. Sounds more like you are covering their grave, than leading a life.

 

This is my life, my time!

Line 73. Again out of step with the poem.

 

 

 

Apart from those minor points I thought it was a good read. Not really feelings though, more like a string of Thesaurusly linked words

 

 

 

More of a Masterpiece from a Computer

 

Than a Poem from a Man.

Yes, I agree with you on most of those points; there was a speling mistake (thanks for pointing it out) and the "from your grave// a path did you pave" line was out of sync. with the rest of the poem it was in my original and I was loath to leave it out).

 

 

 

I would like to say that I did NOT use a thesaurus and that the original was hand-written.

 

 

 

Also: the poem was written to illustrate the charachter's thoughts (he is suicidal at the time), and that is why his opinions kind of swing back and forth.

 

 

 

The "annexing my waking mind line" is also in keeping with the poem, because the charachter is saying that if you looked at him you would see "the guilt" etc. destroying and taking over, this is reiterated in the "my sorrow assails me" stanza and the "I slew you both" stanza.

 

 

 

The "back, back" line is, I think, in keeping with the poem; it is the charachter trying to force these bad memories that "drag him down" out of his mind, but then - in the next stanza - his depressive memories once again take control. "This is my life, my time!" is the charachter once more trying to pusuade his evil thoughts to leave him, and is supporting the "back, back" line.

 

 

 

Thank-you for your comments; I think the poem does have feeling but that's my opinion as author, so...

 

 

 

More coments etc. please!

Not sure though. The thing with poems is that if you use long coplex words you are making it harder on yourself and you are missing the mystical power of "REPEATION".

 

Even if you did not use a Thesaurus, you have a wide vocab. In depressing situations there are few people that would come up with a string of words that are not within the usual speaking frame.

Yes, there are complex words, but I believe that they improve the overall poem. For example, they give a more refined and accurate picture of what the author is trying to express.

 

 

 

Example

 

 

 

The diffeence between "execute" and "kill" and "assassinate;" they all have slightly different meanings and are used in different contexts.

 

 

 

If you were to describe the murder of a politician, assassinate is a better word; some people may not understand, but most will, and it adds to the accuracy, tone and poignioncy of what the author is trying to achieve.

 

 

 

I'm not missing out on repitition; repitition can still be acheived using "better" words. Repition appears in my poem: in the "surrounded by blood and gore" bit and in the first part.

 

 

 

What would you say to putting the "From your grave, // A path did you pave." line back in directly under the "...forcing me forward" line(where it was in the original poem, when I wrote the finished copy)?

 

 

 

Comments etc. welcome!

I like the new version more. Not alot I can really say though, its so-so.

Not alot I can really say though, its so-so.

 

 

 

Suggestions for improvements etc. welcome! {How can I improve it from being "so-so?"}

Think you could improve it? Tell me how!

 

 

 

{BUMP}

Thats one of those things only you can really answer. Its a good poem but it lacks meaning...in my opinion.

Thats one of those things only you can really answer. Its a good poem but it lacks meaning...in my opinion.

 

 

 

It has meaning - in my opinion - but this is with my knowledge of its context; I have taken the poem out of context, but I hope it still has meaing to people. Possibly it will have more context with the story...I don't know.

It will mean different things to different people.

{BUMP}

I would like to say that I enjoyed your poem, although

 

I'm sure it would give more meaning within its

 

original context. I do not desire to critique your poem, as I am an aspiring poet who still is working out flaws in my own poetry, therefore I do not think it would be appropriate for me to point out your writing flaws. I would however suguest you having

 

the part explaining what it is in the begining of the post, b/c

 

I started off reading it thinking that was how YOU felt,

 

not how a charactor in a story felt.

 

 

 

Also I would like to say I appreciated the useage of words that

 

better fit what you meant to explain. Even if it is less common to some.

 

There are people out there like me who have read alot of books and therefore has

 

a wider vocabulary. Its funny, my mom teases me and says I sound as if I'm a character from a book.

 

It seems that I often use "uncommon" words to express what I mean without even thinking that I might be the

 

only one in the room that knows what the word means. like the other day I said Droll instead of funny and everyone looked at me strange and

 

I couldn't figure out why...lol

 

 

 

But anyways, my main point was that I enjoyed the poem.

 

It is also nice to see that you are taking constructive critisism very well.

 

Although not entirely abandoning your original Ideas. :D

Well said. :D

 

Do happen to agree with that.

 

Also bumping really isn't that good to do, eventually it will get forgotten and then you bump it. Ie at the bottom of the page.

 

 

 

Who IÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ã¢ââ¬Å¾Ã¢ve been,.

 

Comma fullstop?

Well said. :D

 

Do happen to agree with that.

 

...I was just curious as to with whom you were agreeing with?

You actually.

 

Now to find another error...

 

And slay you now:

not very moving

 

and would slay now

Only slightly better but meaningless posts annoy me

You actually.

 

 

 

Well, thank you! wasn't quite expecting that, although I wanted to clarify. lol. :D

Point taken. I'll edit it as sugested.

 

 

 

Feel free to critique the poem or say that it is rubbish, as long as its constructive. I want to know what people really think.

 

 

 

Please, also, feel free to point out little errors and mistakes; I need to know them to improve.

 

 

 

Thank-you.

You actually.

 

Now to find another error...

 

And slay you now:

not very moving

 

and would slay now

Only slightly better

 

 

 

The "slay you now" line is there because the charachter is metaphorically 'slaying' them in his head; he's forcing them back, out of his mind once more.

 

 

 

Is it not clear enough; how many people got that line?

 

Thank-you.

I have posted an entirely new poe ('If Only...') that the charachter writes before 'Look at Me Now (Bitter Reflections)'

 

 

 

I have also added a little synopsis and explanation of the backround ot both poems, and I hope this makes it clearer.

 

 

 

Comments etc. welcome, on both poems.

 

 

 

Thank-you!

OFFLINE {in school :cry: )

 

 

 

Thank-you.

like I said before, I do not wish to "improve" your poems with my insight. I will leave that dirty work for archimage, lol.

 

 

 

Although, I would like to say I appreciate you taking into consideration what I said about the introduction/explanation to the poem rather than just there being the poem to start off with.

 

 

 

Its also nice reading some of the story and getting a better idea of whats going on. I'm a sucker for details! :P

 

 

 

Anyways, Keep up to good work...and whatever happens don't get discouraged. I do that way too often when I write...or rather I get bored of the project so it ends up being a "short" story. My suguestion is see it through.

 

 

 

Keep On Writing! :D

Well it did explain things quite a bit more.

 

Not bad, shame its so short.

 

Liked the 'stoke' part, I thought it was very visual.

Lol.

 

 

 

Thanks for your comments.

 

 

 

Yes, I am writing part of the story, however, I am the only one who knows whats going to hapen, as its not written yet. I have started on the sequel, and it's doing well, but the first one is unfortunatly in storage until the builders (GRRRR....) finally finish the house so we can move in.

 

 

 

Then, I'll finish the story. (I think it may become a trilogy...)

 

 

 

If i get enough acclaim, i'll post the beginning of the story. I did post it, but i have since re-written it.

 

 

 

Thanks.

 

 

 

The 'If Only...' poem is short because it's kind of spur of the moment, inspiratinal. I got the bitter reflections poem idea in an English class, inspired by another pupil's work (well...kind of...he made me think up the beginning of the poem, which then led onto the rest, and the next poem.)

I've decided to post the beginning of my story.

 

 

 

It is under the title: 'Rise of the Nakluk: Tales of Rastor'

 

 

 

This is not the story that applies to the poems; that is in Rotterdam. This is the sequel, so some things may not make sense.

 

 

 

See the post for more....