Neverending beer, one nostriled dragons, cabbages, and MORE! The Dragon - Part 1 of 3 - March 7 2006 By Gydot Once upon a time, in the lands of Wildy, was a warrior aptly named ... Warrior. Warrior was a nerd geek foo IRL but was a MIGHTY person in-game with 99 strength! PNGWTFBBQHAX! So anyways, Warrior was wandering along a beaten track kicking up dust as he pranced. (Yes, Warrior pranced, he swears that it saves energy. Don't look at me, this is Warrior we're talking about, not me *shrug*) In the distance, he saw a black dot growing larger and larger as he pranced and as time went by. "This seems like clicking Resize in MS Paint and pulling the corner thingy as a picture enlarges!" Warrior mused. He continued musing for what seemed to be a very long time until the dot suddenly sped up and *Poof* appeared a bedraggled man with burn scars and gaping wounds. Warrior thought he smelt of burnt human and realised he probably was burnt human. Taking pity and concern, Warrior asked the man what had happened. "Dearie me" Warrior exclaimed, "What did this to you?" "A..a.a..a...a...Dd...d..rr..aa..Mouse!"said the burnt up guy. "How can a mouse do this to you?" "Well, the mouse stole my bread and then ran to it's hole thereafter it sold crumbs of bread for 5 cents each to the mouse society." "What does that have to do with getting burnt up?" "Who said I was bothered being burnt up?" "Oh...I thought you did, humans normally do have a concern about being burnt alive.I thought a dragon had done ya" "Hmmm I think a dragon DID do this to me, except I have no memory of it because I was drunk..Yea." "Ah I see, do you have any more drink on you?" "Heh, what a thing to ask me, of course I do, I'm Beerbelly Bernard! Maker of fine ales and conoisseur of wine bottles! Here, have a keg on me!" Bernard passes Warrior a keg. "Err, Bernard, this keg is empty" "Oh no it isn't" "Oh ys it is" "Oh no it isn't" "Oh yes it is" "Hmmm, I think it must be a matter of quantum which I cannot explain in my not-so-sober state" "You mean like a keg of never ending beer?" "Yeah something like that" Warrior seemed delighted at this prospect and started drinking, he and Bernard drank for ages till they both passed out. -Part 1 End- --------------- The Dragon - Part 2 of 3 - 14 March 06 By Gydot The duo awoke in an abyssal black cavern, stalagmites were hanging from the roof of the caves(or the other ones that come from the ground, meh I always confuse those tongue.gif ) and a crystal clear underground lake was present(Though I do not know how they know it is crystal clear because everything is, well, black in an abyssal black cavern) Warrior's warrior instincts told him they had been moved from their original position(I think anyone with common sense and memory would know that)to a new unknown, alien, foreign, mysterious, secret, strange, unidentified and unnamed location. "I see you have awakened from your slumber" an eerie voice jolted through the crisp cavern air. "W..ww..who ar...are yyou?" stammered Bernard. "I am the guardian of Jekub the Dra...Gon. Address me as M'lord." "A dragon? Was it the same dragon that did this to Bernard?" questioned Warrior. "Dra...Gon" M'lord corrected and continued "And yes, since Jekub is the only Dra...Gon around in these parts, I suppose it would be him." "Why did you bring us here? And why does your voice come from everywhere? Can we have a torch? It's awfully dark in here" M'lord said, "You have been brought here because the crystal ball says you are the chosen ones. And my voice comes from everywhere because I am really an entrapped gnome spirit entrapped here by the magical forces of entrapment. And no, you may not have a torch because it's more exciting for me AND you this way." M'lord at this point allowed himself a snicker(The one like a snort, not the chocolate.) (LONG CONVERSATION AND RANDOM ODDITIES) Bernard and Warrior later learnt in the conversation with M'lord that they were 'chosen' to perform a ritual that needed performing every thousand years for purposes of performing. M'lord stated that a perfectly random food item would be needed to appease Jekub, the Dra...Gon or else it would wreak havoc on THE WORLD and since Bernard was a strong campaigner for world peace, he reluctantly accepted. Warrior tagged along. M'lord gave them a ENCHANTED GEM which would bring them back to the abyssal black cavern with stalagmites and a crystal clear underground lake immediately. (Fine print: No guarantees, not liable to be sued in court) And thus, our two brave adventurers went along in search for the perfectly random FOOD ITEM!!! ONWARD MARCH! -Part 2 End- -------------- The Dragon Trilogy - 3rd Book of the Dynamic Duo - March 21 2006 By Gydot The gnome spirit teleported the dynamic duo to the town of beginnings, Lumby. (As that was the only Teleother spell he knew) "M'lord said to start our search for the perfectly random food item here! In the Town of Beginnings named Lumby" stated Bernard. "What food item do you think can be used to fulfil our quest of feeding Jekub?" Warrior asked. "How about cabbage? That always seems to be random. Oh, and cheese too! And a potato! I always hear these 3 items being called random by the reds." Bernard suggested. "That's a spanking good idea Bernard! Let's get started!" Warrior winked at him. The cabbage and potato was easy to find in Lumby, but cheese was more of a problem. Bernard knew cheese could be obtained from Port Sarim but it was too much of a journey there. They would have to find another way. Warrior's face lit up like a bulb(Or more likely a candle since bulbs ahd not been invented. Yet.) "I got it! We could uhh milk a cow and wait and see what happens!" They get a bucket of milk. They stare at it. Magically, it curdled into cheese. Wow! "Hmmm I don't think this is enough food here, we need to survey everybody and ask them what they think!" Warrior went up to people in Lumby and got more or less the same answers, "Cheese?" "Cabbage?" "Potato?" They wandered further north to the Ghost Town of Edge which was not really Ghostly since many people visited it already. There, they started asking again. The answers differed now, but not by much. "Oh...how about meat pie?" "Cheese!" "Cheese!" "Cabbage is ALWAYS random *wink*" "I don't know but you can have my salmon.." "Umm rare black lobs...fine, burnt lobster" "Tuna is good for training!" Bernard was assigned the task of sorting out the different replies they had gathered. Cheese - 13 Cabbage - 28 Potato - 10 Bucket of Water - 1 Chocolate Bar - 2 Meat Pie - 1 Salmon - 2 Tuna - 4 Burnt Lobster - 1 Weeeeeeell, that's our info there Warrior. Now how do we go about picking a perfectly random food item? Warrior stood there silently (he was the strong and silent type) and pondered on this day old question. Snapping out of a trance, he screamed. "ALL OF 'EM!" "We can only take one you nuub." "Oh." "How about the meat pie?" "Why the meat pie?" "Well, the cabbage is so random that it has been picked as random so much until it isn't random any longer. The same goes for cheese and potato. Bucket of Water is nothing seriously, can a Dra...Gon survive another thousand years on a bucket of water? And chocolate? DIdn't you know Dra...Gons are allergic to cocoa? Burnt lobsters just cannot be eaten. And the salmon and tuna are not random enough because they are just not that. Thus I have, by the method of elimination, come up with the meat pie! Besides, didn't you notice the person who suggested the meat pie had a twinkle in his eye? It was the twinkle like that of the gnomish spirit in disguise. Furthermore, he was wearing a hood. This always happens in stories like these!" Bernard smiled, happy with his only spurt of logical thinking. They finely balanced the meat pie on their hands and rubbed the enchanted gem. *Twinkle twinkle twinkle* (The sort of magical twinkle sound and fuzzy blurry feeling and you suddenly find yourself in another realm in this case the abyssal black cavern with stalagmites and a crystal clear underground lake.) Warrior and Bernard shook the dusts of enchantyment off their shoulders and swept off the layer of dust on the pie. "We present the perfectly random food item M'lord." "And what might that be?" M'lord inquired. " A MEAT PIE!" Bernard announced. "Only the Dra...Gon will know if it is perfectly random. Dra...Gon Jekub, AWAKEN!" M'lord's voice thundered off the walls of the cavern and more thundering could be heard beneath them. Stone slabs slided away revealing an enclosure under their feet, where the mighty dra...gon lay in sleep. "Throw the pie in" M'lord instructed. The pie was released. It tumbled through the air in slow motion (a.k.a Matrix-style) and it flipped several times before landing in the Dra...Gon's snoring nose. Now Dra...Gon's had only one nostril instead of two as most popularly believed and the obstruction in the representation of a meat pie was ... obstructing the air supply to the Dra...Gon. (Dra...Gon's also could not breathe with their mouths as it was full of valves and nozzles for fire breathing and unwanted oxygen could implode it.) Jekub tried hard to unblock it's nostril but it's oversized unclipped talons were useless in dislodging the food item, only resulting in wounds over it's face. Jekub's torso glowed, from green, to yellow, to the colour of runite ore. "Run!" M'lord shouted "The Dra...Gon will explode!" (M'lord at this time still respected the 3 second rule between Dra and Gon.) Warrior picked Bernard up and slung him over his shoulder and started pounding out of the cavern. They found an undiscovered opening leading out. Behind them, flames licked and curlicues of smoke tendrilled around them. Smoke started filling up the tunnel and they were slowly getting smothered. Bernard whipped out his quantum beer keg and flipped a switch instructing it to "SUCK". Ash, smoke, flame and the gnomish spirit M'lord were sucked up into the quantum keg in a whirly swooshing motion. *SWOOOSH* and they were saved! Once they were outside, they had done 4 things. One, break the thousand year curse. Two, create the first ever genie in a keg. Three, drove the Dra...Gon race to extinction and Four, destroyed perfectly good neverending beer. In a phyrrhic victory, the two walked home, content at a quest well done, the tale to be lost. Till another time.