Peter (narrating his life): "I walked into the kitchen and sat down at the table. I looked with a grimace at the questionable meal Lois had placed in front of me. Of course I'd never tell her how disgusted I was with her cooking, but somehow I think she knew. Lois had always been full of energy and life, but lately I had begun to grow more aware of her aging. The bright, exuberant eyes that I had fallen in love with were now beginning to grow dull and listless with the long fatigue of a weary life. (Lois knocks Peter out.) I woke several hours later in a daze." _____________________________________________________________ Meg: I just want to kill myself I'm gonna go upstairs and eat a whole bowl of peanuts. (Lois and Peter stare in silence) Meg: I'm allergic to peanuts. (Peter and Lois keep staring) Meg: You dont know anything about me. (runs upstairs) Peter: Who was that guy? ____________________________________________________________ Peter - I'm afraid I have some very bad news, your wife's gonna be a vegetable. You're gonna have to bathe her, feed her, and care for her for the rest of your life. Guy - OH MY GOD! Peter - No no no, I'm just kiddin. She's dead. _____________________________________________________________ Lois: Peter,why are we stopped? Peter: Yeah, I'll have three cheeseburgers... Lois: Peter for God's sakes she's havin' a baby! Peter: Oh that's right...and a kid's meal... and uh,I, I guess I'll have fries...if I have fries is anyone else gonna have any? Cuz,uh I don't wanna be the only one eatin' them... I'll feel like a fatty. _____________________________________________________________Lois: And you know what? I'm gonna take that chance my father never let me take when I was younger. I'm gonna become a model! Peter: Hey, that's fantastic, Lois! And I'll pleasure myself to your photos. Chris: Me too! Meg: Me too! Peter: Oh! Oh! God! Meg! That's sick! That's your mother! Meg (shrugs): I'm just trying to fit in. Peter: Get out! Get out of this house! (Meg doesn't move. Peter punches wall.) Peter: I SAID GET OUT OF THIS HOUSE NOW! (Meg runs out and Peter closes the door.) Peter: That's a good about your modeling, Lois. _____________________________________________________________ Peter (to Meg): Remember that pony you wanted when you were 6? Well I've been waitin for a time like this. (opens closet door and a skeleton of a pony is there) Peter: Oh, oh god, that's right ponies, ponies like food. _____________________________________________________________ Brian: And remember that time you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see Philadelphia? (Scene cuts to Peter in the movie theater and everyone is crying, except him.) Peter: I got it! Thats the guy from "Big," uh--Tom Hanks! Funny guy Tom Hanks, everything he says is a stitch. Tom Hanks' Character: I have aids. (Peter laughs hysterically.) _____________________________________________________________ Stewie: "You know what else is disgusting?" (He farts and his right eye turns red.) "Oh dam, I broke a blood vessel." _____________________________________________________________ Peter: So uhh, Mr. Pewterschmidt, the big race is tomorrow eh? Bet you're gonna need some strapping men to help you with your boat. Mr. Pewterschmidt: Are you calling me 'not straight'? Peter: No. No. I just; I just thought you might want some extra seamen on your poopdeck. _____________________________________________________________ (Peter has to come up with a fake name on the spot, so he looks around the room to get inspiration) Peter Griffin: Uh... my name is...(he sees a pea) Peter Griffin: Pea... (he sees a woman crying) Peter Griffin: ... tear... (he sees a Griffin fly by) Peter Griffin: ... Griffin. Peter Griffin just my favorite ones. family guy so funny gigigigigigigity oh right