The forgotten army

[dorington]

This be my first book. It's nott yet finished! I'm on a small break ATM :wink:

 

Note: accepting any comments on the story at any part.

 

 

 

Prologue

 

Leax sat there, planning how he was going to pull this off. He drew an arrow and attached it to his bow. He then crept softly up the mound of earth where he could see the ritual first hand. Right in front of him a group of dark wizards where chanting various ancient dialects around a stone alter, oblivious to their surroundings. Leax knew he was playing with fire. He knew he had one chance to get it right with his own fate in his hands. Creeping a little closer he pick his target. I hope its the right one i hit he thought as he swallowed hard and drew back the bow string. He hadn't been seen yet so he took some time to aim. Please be the right guy. He knew that if he killed the wrong guy first he would be dead. Concentrating hard on his every movement, Leax released the string and the arrow flew.

 

ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ãâ¦Ã¢â¬ÅARRRRRRRRGHHHHHHH!ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬ÃâÃ

[sephiroth_king]

Wow, I like it! You gripped me instantaneously, it was a very good beginning to a great story (although it was short). But, you know, I would like to see a bit of creativity, like the weapons, maybe instead of a steel longsword, create a weapon that would sound cool (Despite my story being a bit RS based :shock: ). Erm, despite my story, if you ask anyone who read it, it evolved to imaginary weapons.

 

 

 

(And, like I say to most people who are writing fiction, if you need inspiration/guidance, read The_Advent...(Not trying to sound like an advertiser #-o )

 

 

 

Anyway, great start. I would like to see a bit of creativity with the weapons (Again, despite my story having temporary RS weapons :-w ). Also, there are some parts where you need to work on grammar/spelling, there are a few mistakes, I think you'll find them.

 

 

 

Again, if you need inspiration, read my story, Virus by mario_sunny, Xewleer's stories--you'll find plenty everywhere. :

[k0pkaas]

^^^^ What he said.

[dorington]

Thank you, ill go over spelling and grammar again. I'm currently writing the second piece.

[dorington]

Chapter one

 

A mysterious old man was walking through the deserted market place of Varrock. He wore a black hood which concealed his face apart from his long white damp beard. He was wearing a black long sleeve shirt, trousers, boots and cape to match the hood. He walked up to the fountain in the centre of the market and sat on the edge, waiting for someone or something. He was poised there for almost 15 minutes in the pouring rain before he got up and walked towawrds an approaching man. The man was wearing brown leather trousers with leather chaps and boots. He had some steel chain mail on that covered his arm up to his elbow and leather vembraces around his wrists. His shoulders were covered by small pieces of round steel plate mail with the symbol of Misthalin engraved in them. Around his neck dangled the silver star of Saradomin on some iron wire.

 

ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ãâ¦Ã¢â¬ÅGood to see your still alive Leax,ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬ÃâÃ

[sephiroth_king]

O_o Its getting better as it goes! ^_^ Me like. Just keep on truckin' trust me people will read. :D

[dorington]

Chapter 2

 

Leax closed the door to his house behind him. He was about to leave for Lumbridge to start his recruiting mission. He wore the same as he had when he met the old man but had a bow holstered on his back with a quiver of twenty arrows. He also wore a belt with his elven sword in its sheath attached to it. Around his should and side he wore a leather haversack. He walked through the market place and then turned south towards the gate. When he got to the gate the guards immediately opened it for Leax and saluted him. Leax just smiled and strolled on.

 

After about 10 minutes of walking he stopped and looked left. There was the alter where he had killed the dark wizards in his last assignment. He uttered a few words to Saradomin about the wizards souls and then carried on with his journey.

 

For about three hours he followed the beaten down track until he reached the bridge to Lumbridge. He stopped for a second and scanned the surroundings as something didn't feel right. It was too quiet. He hadn't encountered any goblins on the way to the town. He hadn't even seen one. Suddenly a small rat shot out from under the bridge, mouth soaked in blood. Leax walked down to the edge of the bridge and looked underneath to find a pile of dead people. They hadn't been there for long as they didn't smell and hadn't started to rot. He approached the body on the top and tilted its head. ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ãâ¦Ã¢â¬ÅHoratio, no!ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬ÃâÃ

[sephiroth_king]

The second chapter was good, but I recognized something in the first chapter--when you said Runescape. It isn't Runescape, the land itself is called Gielnor (I need a spell check on that, but it's something like that). The game is RS; the land in RS is Gielnor.

 

 

 

But keep going. You're doing good.

[k0pkaas]

Yet another great post... and really? I never knew that whole Gielnor thing.

[dorington]

I didn't know it was called Gielnor. I'll have to edit that bit, ty for telling me

[dorington]

Chapter 3

 

The guards opened the gate to the castles courtyard to let five wooden carts through. They lined each of the carts up next to each other and pulled the sheets off the top of them. A nearby maid let out a cry and ran into the castle weeping. Leax slid past her and walked out into the courtyard up to Horatio's body. As he looked into the face of his dead mentor a tear ran down his check. Wiping it away quickly he started to search his body.

 

He hadn't search for long when he came across a piece of folded parchment addressed to him. Unfolding it he found it was a letter from Horatio himself.

 

 

 

To Leax,

 

If your reading this I'm probably dead. Do not mourn my death, there isn't enough time for you to.

 

I have written this letter as four of the members of the council I met in Varrock are dead and I have a feeling I'm next. I believe this is Zammoraks revenge on your last assignment.

 

Anyway at the meeting with the council it was revealed the Templar Knights of Falador are to launch an attack on the Black Knight fortress east of Edgeville. Because of this I would like you to forget about recruiting and go and help the Templars. I'm sure they would appreciate the help. It also helps seal our alliance with them.

 

After reading this letter head for Falador and speak to Sir Tiffy Cashien. He's the leader of the leader of the Templar Knights. He should be found in his quarters at White Knight castle.

 

Yours sincerely,

 

Horatio

 

P.S. Be careful, I'm sure your also pretty high on Zammoraks hit list. Be very wary.

 

 

Leax refolded the letter and placed it in his haversack. He uttered some words to Saradomin about Horatio before returning into the castle to seek an audience with the duke. He was in the dining hall having lunch.

 

 

 

ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ãâ¦Ã¢â¬ÅI have to leave town now. There is some very important business I have in Falador but before I leave I must ask you, would you have my mentor buried in your grave yard? Also please give him a proper funeral. Heres some money to pay for the costs.ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬ÃâÃ

[dorington]

Chapter 4

 

Leax folded up the map and started walking in a westerly direction towards the piece of woodland known as the forge. Although it was supposedly dangerous it didn't particularly bother Leax. He had been in haunted ruins, mysterious caves and demonic lairs. A small piece of woodland was nothing.

 

He came to the edge of the forge and the end of Lumbrige. He stopped for a moment and looked deep into the woodland. Even at mid day it was dark. Leax rolled his eyes and carried on walking.

 

As he entered the forge Leax suddenly became wary of his surroundings, remembering it was goblin country. He knew he could easily take on a group of them but he didn't like the idea of being ambushed. Even a small bronze dagger could be deadly in that scenario. Still he trudged on.

 

By know he was deep into the woods. He decided to stop and rest for a bit so he planted his rear on a nearby stump. He then pulled some wrapped salted pork out of his haversack and started to chew on it. After finishing off the pork he was about to clear up when he heard the sound of footsteps.

 

ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ãâ¦Ã¢â¬ÅHello? Anybody here?ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬ÃâÃ

[darkforaster]

I like the story. But I'm not 100% sure of it's content.

 

 

 

a) When a new person speaks you have to start a new paragraph. this may make the text unbelievably long. But It helps the eyes.

 

 

 

B) repetitive use of words. "He approached the approaching man." Please don't let that happen. It ghets frustrating after a while.

 

 

 

c) describe the places more. I am hearing very basic words like asked and said. Why not exclaimed or anounced. petrified and horified, not scary and freaky.

 

 

 

But this story has potetial to go far. You jsut need to edit it a bit.

[dorington]

I like the story. But I'm not 100% sure of it's content.

 

 

 

a) When a new person speaks you have to start a new paragraph. this may make the text unbelievably long. But It helps the eyes.

 

 

 

B) repetitive use of words. "He approached the approaching man." Please don't let that happen. It ghets frustrating after a while.

 

 

 

c) describe the places more. I am hearing very basic words like asked and said. Why not exclaimed or anounced. petrified and horified, not scary and freaky.

 

 

 

But this story has potetial to go far. You jsut need to edit it a bit.

 

 

 

Thank you for the tips. I'll see what I can do

[powerent]

Incredible story. I don't know how people looked past it for a year. The previous tips are good advice, and taking advice is a great skill. I could probably create a sequel if you wanted me to.

 

 

 

Oops, I was looking at the wrong thing. Sorry 'bout that.

[dorington]

Incredible story. I don't know how people looked past it for a year. The previous tips are good advice, and taking advice is a great skill. I could probably create a sequel if you wanted me to.

 

 

 

Ty, its not finished yet though. When it is ill see if I want to make a sequal myself or not. If i dont feel free to.

[dorington]

Chapter 5

 

Leax opened his eyes to find he world was a blur. He worked out he was inside a room as the only light was coming through windows. Slowly Leax lifted himself up into a sitting position and propped his back against the wall. He looked down to find he was almost naked and in a bed. All he was wearing was a loin cloth.

 

The door to the room swung open and two men entered both in brown robes however they had no hood or shoes.

 

ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ãâ¦Ã¢â¬ÅAh he's awake,ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬ÃâÃ

[dorington]

Chapter 6

 

The Bishop looked round to make sure everyone had left until he said, ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ãâ¦Ã¢â¬ÅWhat happened at breakfast was not your fault. It's just names like that are seldom mentioned. Many monks on this island still remember what happened all those years ago.ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬ÃâÃ

[dorington]

Chapter 7

 

After saying his thank-yous and goodbyes to all the monks he had met on Entrena Leax followed Dramen to the caves under the island where he had been found.

 

ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ãâ¦Ã¢â¬ÅHere we are,ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬ÃâÃ

[dorington]

Chapter 8

 

Sir Tiffy Cashien's room was large and decorative. On one side was a bedroom area with a large red four poster bed whilst the other side was more of an office with a desk and a set of draws.

 

ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ãâ¦Ã¢â¬ÅSo who are you?ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬ÃâÃ

[powerent]

Wow. The match in strength between Talon and Leax may prove valuable later, I'm guessing. Incredible turn of events and good detail. I want to know what's next.