axeraider70 Posted January 30, 2005 Share Posted January 30, 2005 Nick Name Guide: Black Bomber (aka BB) Axeraider67 (aka Axe) Zoomaniac111 (aka Zoo) Ch0zen 0ne (aka Chozen) NightKill (aka Night) Virus2death (aka Virus) Dark_Kenny64 (aka Kenny) -------------------------- Story 1 "a fine day now isnt it?" Zoo said in a cheery voice as chozen steped in the house, "what are you doin inside on a nice day like this?" "well i've got news for you" Chozen looked very angered as he spoke "Night went missing, me, axe, and BB couldnt find him anywhere..." Zoo looked a bit shocked, he took the cooked lobster off the stove and put it in his bag. "Where do we look?" "I have no idea" "what about virus and kenny, are they missing too?" "havent checked up on them, i suspect the same as virus hasnt messaged me to buy some stuff" Zoo reached into his bag and grabbed his magic short bow, slipped into his red dragon armour, and headed tword the door. Zoo looked back at Chozen. "I have an idea where they are" They headed north tword the Greater Demons. axeraider70.deviantART.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sirith_knight Posted January 30, 2005 Share Posted January 30, 2005 Ok, I assume this is part one of a longer story. It was actually a bit difficult to read, always capitalize name and use punctuation. When someone is talking you capitalize the first word in quotation marks too. I say this a lot.... try to make the next one a bit longer... that was like 11 sentences. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
axeraider70 Posted January 30, 2005 Author Share Posted January 30, 2005 AKA the prolouge :P axeraider70.deviantART.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
axeraider70 Posted January 31, 2005 Author Share Posted January 31, 2005 CHAPTER 1 -------------------- Zoo lead Chozen through the maze of the wilderness. Zoo had gone pking here all the time, he was so familiar with every turn and corner. Chozen yawned in spite of bordem, Zoo just cast a look of annoyance at him. "are we there yet..." Chozen said without any hint of emotion. "nope" "how much longer" "dunno" "why dont you know" "dont care" Zoo was trained with dealing with this kind of conversation. they ask you an annoying question, give them an annoying answer. Suddenly an arrow wizzed past Zoo and Chozen. "Holy crap!" Chozen yelped as he ducked for cover, "ahh!" Zoo crouched down behind a rock and got out his arrows, one by one, he rapid fired them into the distance of the archer. a blast came and totaled the rock he was behind, Zoo grabbed Chozen by the arm and began to run tword them. "Get out your flippin sword!" could be heard in the distance from where the mage and archer had shot from. Then screaming and yelling, and to top it off, silence. "were they shooting at us? or what?" Chozen trembled to say. "no... i dont think they were." Movement was heard. Zoo got his bow at the ready. out of the distance came a familiar figure. It was Axe. His face and armour had blood stains, his arm was gouged, and his left shoe was scorched. "Hey wasup guys?" Axe said as he calmly approached Zoo and Chozen. "Care to wash off a bit?" Chozen said as he looked disgustedly at his armour. "i have some water in my bag, ill be right back then" Axe spun off in another direction. "Zoo?" Chozen asked, "does blood make you uneasy at all?" "depends on the gore level" "aw..." They trudged off north and Axe came soon to follow them. "where we off to?" Axe said curiously. "Night is missing dude." Chozen got that serious look while he was saying that. Axe looked down at his feet and began to cry. eventually he broke down and was not able to keep going. "its all my fault!" he screamed as he lay on the dirt ground sobbing, "they took him! i tried... to... ch-chase... af-after..h-h-him! bu- but they captured him!" Axe was hyperventalating uncontrolably. he occasionally lost his breath. "who captured him?" Zoo looked at him sternly "those pkers back there... their leader and some other gu-guards captured him. i-i-i think they just knocked him out bu-but i have n-n-" Axe broke down again. "clearly were not going to just find him locked up... their leader sounds like Chaos." said Chozen. "whos that?" answered Zoo, "My brother" axeraider70.deviantART.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Auicroa Posted January 31, 2005 Share Posted January 31, 2005 im black bomber! woot! time to get my demented avvy out Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sirith_knight Posted January 31, 2005 Share Posted January 31, 2005 AKA the prolouge :P Hmmm....intresting.... I still stand by what I said but the second is certainly better. Keep on posting and I'll be sure to read. Chaos, the evil twin brother, bwahaHAHAH ahem.... :roll: Now to read "The First Goem" or whatever it is called. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
axeraider70 Posted January 31, 2005 Author Share Posted January 31, 2005 Chapter 2 ------------------- Axe lead the way seeming more detirmend then ever. it was his problem, he though, he had to fix it. "were here." Zoo said, calmly looking up at the castle that used to be home to the Greater Demons. Chozen quickly knocked the guards out, swiftly, and cleanly. Axe and Zoo looked at Chozen, amazed at his agility. "are you guys coming?" Chozen looked back at them. they both nodded and entered the lair of Chaos. --- Chaos stared out the window, he saw the intruders, yet no fear came over him. "So little brother..." Chaos whispered to himself, "you've come back for your demise." Chaos turned around and stepped tword his door, a blade could be felt behind his neck. "Don't move a muscle" BB said with his dragon longsword near his neck and a dagger near his back. "Hello Bomber" and with one swift one swift motion, he elbowed BB in the chest, stole his sword and pinned him to the ground with the sword at his throat. The door suddenly burst, slaughtered guards could be seen outside. "drop him NOW!" Shouted Chozen. Axe put his sword away and took out his dragon battle axe, this meant he wasn't going to aim, but if he hit, you would be in another world of pain. Zoo rose his bow and began to aim. "Hello, come to watch your fellows death, brother?" Chaos said with a big smirk on his face, "its too bad you will be DEAD before you can reach him!" Chaos leaped off the ground and bashed Chozen into the wall with his foot. "Eat death!!" Axe yelled as he swung viciously at him, but Chaos was too swift for such concentrated rage, he took his axe and tossed it across the room, and socked him in the face, sending him straight to the ground. An arrow all of the sudden was in Chaos's arm. "Ack!" Chaos yelped in pain as he made his way for the door. Chozen grabbed his shirt and flung him backwards. "not this time... NOT EVER!" Chozen yelled while he flung Chaos back tword BB, BB raised his elbows and sent him down two floors. With a large hole in the floor, they assumed he was dead. "I am not like you brother." Chozen said angrily down the large dark hole in the ground. Chozen was too enraged to notice the blood that was from a rock that cut his arm badly. "Dude your arm!" Axe shouted while putting his axe away, "i got some bandages right here." Axe was very trained with medical situations, he had helped them once before in a tight spot with a poisoned dagger in Zoo's back, he was trained because of his many near death experiances in the castle wars. The bandage was sealed tightly and they walked down the large hallway until they found a locked door. "is that the one?" Axe said, trying to read the inscriptions on the door. "yep, it says 'zam sacrifice room' on it... im assuming thats the one" BB chuckled after he said this. "Its not that easy." Chozen said, looking at the door, "Look." he pointed at a key hole located next to the door. "i hate puzzles." Zoo said noticing the lock had the color yellow on it. They headed into the convieniently located, yellow door next door. "look out!" Zoo yelled. A giant axe was swinging infront of them. along next to them were 3 bottles of red liquid. axeraider70.deviantART.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Auicroa Posted January 31, 2005 Share Posted January 31, 2005 nice Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sirith_knight Posted January 31, 2005 Share Posted January 31, 2005 nice Sorry, but try to make a bit longer posts, kinda spamming with a single word. I enjoyed this story, saw two spelling errors right off and got worried, but those were the only two I saw. It was rather fast paced, I had to go back and read it a second time to figure out exactly what happened. Example of my confusion.-"The bandage was sealed tightly and they walked down the large hallway until they found a locked door." I was kinda thinking what long hall way, maybe mention the hallway, then go down it. Also, he cut his arm on a rock inside. I was a bit confused. Once again, I liked the story just tryin to help out, give some constructive criticism. It seems your stories have been improving with everyone you write. I'm sure u'll be writin like a pro soon. Lookin forward to the next part. (reminds me of old video games, "you need red key to continue", lol :lol:) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
axeraider70 Posted February 1, 2005 Author Share Posted February 1, 2005 oh um, remember Chozen was slammed into the wall? maybe i should have emphisised that more, lol. the bandage hall way, probably should fix that... Chapter 3 shall have less grammatical error! however i cant guarentee you it will be less confusing >_< axeraider70.deviantART.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Burnt_arven Posted February 2, 2005 Share Posted February 2, 2005 A bit of spelling and grammar trouble along with a fairly simple story but, hey. I like it. Keep going, you have some creative writing skill. I also think the whole layout is stylishly done too: The prologue and chapters thing is cool. It's better to burn out, than to fade awayThe king is gone, but he's not forgotten- Neil Young Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
axeraider70 Posted February 3, 2005 Author Share Posted February 3, 2005 I have much in store for this story, thats about all i can say without giving much away :D (hey that rhymed! :P ) axeraider70.deviantART.com Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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