Violince

[ForsakenMage]

Outside the writing and stress of college, I'm an amateur violinist. For nearly ten years I have played this mysterious instrument capable of expressing so many emotions including joy and sorrow. As I play over the years, the music drawn from the bow seemed sad, neglected even. It wasn't its fault; I had outgrown it. After playing on a quarter-size violin for over nine years, I've recently got a new, full-size violin while I was overseas. The quarter-size one remains in my room, although silent now. I can't give it away. I had gotten that one on my ninth birthday, although it wasn't intended to be a present, more of a necessity for school.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But enough chit-chat. Any more and this little blurb will be the piece itself! ^_^'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Note: Also posted in my DeviantArt site here.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Violince

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Softly, ever so softly and slowly

 

 

 

Her arm drew back, bow in hand.

 

 

 

Her eyes stared at the target before her,

 

 

 

Black dots skirmishing across snow-covered fields.

 

 

 

From where she knelt she had a great vantage point.

 

 

 

A voice inside urged her to draw an arrow from the quiver:

 

 

 

Fire away while they're still far!

 

 

 

She resisted, although now her fingers trembled,

 

 

 

Itching to touch the cool wood of the arrow shaft.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The commander looked over his troops and nodded.

 

 

 

He raised his sabre into the air slightly and nervously.

 

 

 

Wait for it, his eyes said. Be ready.

 

 

 

There was a slight clatter of wood as arrows touched the bows.

 

 

 

She ran her fingers over the arrow once, making sure it was unbroken.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And then the cry of rage shattered the silence.

 

 

 

Bows raced back and forth in the air in a blazing fury.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Keep it going! Do not falter, the commander said!

 

 

 

She knew if they stopped they'd be overrun.

 

 

 

Her fingers now painfully nocking arrow after arrow

 

 

 

Screamed in agony for the end to be near.

 

 

 

Another minute and we got them, the commander shouted.

 

 

 

Oh! Her fingers got caught in the bow string for a moment.

 

 

 

She felt her face turn red in surprise and she let go.

 

 

 

The arrow went astray, barely missing her target.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Damn it, she muttered to herself as she was ordered to rest.

 

 

 

She hated it when she missed her target, even by a little.

 

 

 

Minutes later she picked up the bow and quiver again,

 

 

 

This time with a furious look of determination.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The sky grew dark and it was getting cold

 

 

 

Her uniform blended with the shadows and black silk above

 

 

 

One more rank and we're done!

 

 

 

She let the arrows fly almost wildly, her fingers now burning.

 

 

 

They were near the end of the battle!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Finally there was a soft hush, the enemy no more.

 

 

 

Everyone lowered their bows and sighed.

 

 

 

It was over.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She stood up with her fellow archers,

 

 

 

Bow turned downwards, quiver tucked under her arm.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

They bowed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Applause errupted from the valley for the little band.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sheets of music now exhausted

 

 

 

By violins and bows.

[OddLYOKO]

Great poem! :D

[Drealfreak]

Oh my godddddddd, amazing poem with the amazingest metaphor i have ever read!! :D

[Adam007]

Very nice!

 

 

 

My eyes watered during reading that - not sure if it was because they've been staring at this screen for too long, or because it was really good. :lol:

 

 

 

I played violin also for a few years. Gradually lost interest in it though.

 

 

 

Again, awesome work. Great metaphors, and excellent mood conveyed.

[Terp]

Thats just excellent!

[Centuramage]

I never found cheerleading to be of any help in writing other than to inflate egos, perhaps. There is ALWAYS room for improvement...so I'll do my best to stray from aforementioned cheerleading.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"great vantage point"...that's a bit vague and doesn't tell much...particularly the word "great"...be more specific there.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"A voice inside"...a bit cliche, perhaps. good verb choice with "urged" though.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The touch of alliteration in the 3rd paragraph is effective.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Why are the commander's words not in quotes?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Also, that might be a spelling error with "nocking"?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I think the disdain with missing a note can be better expressed than by swearing in the piece. It takes away from the maturity to resort to vulgarities, I think.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"This time" appears to allude to an aforementioned parallel that..doesn't exist? At least not verbally. Not the strongest choice.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"The sky grew dark and it was getting cold", that could've been better crafted.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Also, another spelling error at "errupted".

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I think that's about it...aside from those minor details, it was good :)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The lack of real criticisms to this piece makes me wonder how carefully it was read by others and whether or not they appreciate it's art. But i think that's enough out of me ;)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Keep writing