- Untitled -

[JordanGM]

It was a beautiful day in Varrock, when Jay woke up.

 

He went down to bathe in the Lumbridge river as he did every day, but he noticed something was different.

 

There was a someone in the river..floating on his stomach, singing a gentle melody.

 

"What are you doing?"

 

The man continued to sing his song.

 

Since the strange man wouldn't answer him, Jay went to bathe a little further down the river.

 

When he was done, he went to check back on the man in the river, but he was gone..

 

"Good, that creep left.."

 

When Jay left the river, he was going to see Fred in Lumbridge to start work.

 

 

 

When he arrived, he saw Fred laying on the ground in the sheep pen, singing the same melody as the other man.

 

"Hey Fred, is that a new hit? 'Cause I'm hearing it everywhere.." said Jay.

 

He just continued to chant..

 

"Fred!"

 

As Jay waked closer to Fred, he noticed his skin was a light green, then he knew something was wrong.

 

Fred got up, and went to grab Jay, still singing.

 

Jay backed away, but tripped on a rock. The man who used to be Fred seemed to be angry, for absolutely no reason.

 

it seemed like he was posessed with a horrible rage. A rage that couldn't be stopped.

 

As Fred got closer to Jay, and grabbed him. Jay tried to fight back, but couldn't stop hi

 

As the man that used to be Fred the farmer went to bite Jay, he suddenly stopped, and fell to the ground. Jay noticed an

 

arrow which dug deep into the farmer. He looked around..

 

"Who is there! Show yourself! You've done a great favour for me and I'd like to thank you!" said Jay in his best ex-guard

 

voice.

 

"No need to thank me" said a woman which seemed to be hiding in a the large field of cabbage, not too far away.

 

"I'm sure you would've done the same for me."

 

She got closer to Jay.

 

"Millie? The miller? But Fred was your father!"

 

"He was like a father to me, yes, but not after he was posessed.."

 

"Posessed?" asked Jay.

 

"Yes, posessed. Come with me, I'll explain everything.."

 

 

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

 

 

When Millie brought Jay to the Goblin Village, he was surprised that they didn't start to attack him.

 

"Helloo Millie! How is you doing?" said a rather tall goblin.

 

"I had to save another one from the darks. Fred almost got him.." she replied.

 

Jay was getting angrier by the minute, he wanted to know what the hell was going on,

 

"Jay, this is Warthope, he is the one that tought me everything I know about range. Without him, I would've

 

never been able to save you."

 

They shook hands.

 

"Millie, can you explain to me whats going on?" asked Jay.

 

"Yes, I suppose, come with me."

 

Millie brought Jay to the basement of one of the houses in Goblin Village.

 

"Jay, there is an epidemic, and its spreading very fast. I have to stop it, before it gets more out of hand than

 

it already is. The dark wizards of the stone circle by the entrance of Varrock have formed an Alliance with the zombies

 

from the Edgeville dungeon, and are planning to take over this entire country."

 

"I don't get it. How did Fred, and the man in the river in which I bathed from practically every day of my life in become

 

so angry? And how did they posess humans?" said Jay.

 

"Just listen. The zombies can infect anyone and anything. But they cant do it alone, because our guards have always

 

killed them before they could reach anything out of the sewers. But the Dark Wizards are much stronger than the zombies,

 

and guards couldn't always defeat them. So the King of Varrock has always sent his own Mages to try and get rid of them. But

 

since the mages' spells are alot less effective with armor on, they have always worn robes. As you can imagine, it would be extremely

 

easy for the zombies to bite through robes, right? Well the Dark Wizards finally thought of this, and decided to use it

 

to there advantage. They went down into the Varrock sewers to have a meeting with the zombies. They made a deal, if the

 

zombies helped the wizards, they would get all the humans and animals they infected on there side, but the Dark Wizards

 

would get the Kings Mages on there side."

 

 

 

Now all of the Kings guards and Mages are infected, and there is almost no hope. I am one of the very few left which might

 

have a chance to get things back to normal."

 

"I was a guard once, with my father. I worked with the Varrock Kingdom guards before, but I gave up almost everything

 

when my father was killed. I have some skills with combat, and I will help you." explained Jay.

 

"Very well then, you can sleep in one of the tents outside, and if you hear anything, just sound the alarm. Get some sleep

 

because I'll be waking you up at 5am sharp."

 

 

 

That night, Jay dreamed about his family. We're they okay? Or we're they just mindless zombies now?

 

Would I have to kill them if they are one of the Darks? He just didn't want to know anymore..

 

 

 

"Jay! Wake up! JAY! Now!"

 

Jay opened his eyes, and saw Millie, full of blood, her clothes torn, and her eyes filled with tears.

 

"Whats going on?" Jay asked.

 

"I'll explain once we're safe, but for now, come with me!"

 

Jay put his chainbody and pants on, and prepared for the worst. He walked outside of his small tent, and saw Goblin bodies

 

everywhere, along with about a dozen Dark bodies, laying face down on the ground, singing the same chant Fred was singing.

 

"What the hell happened!? And why didn't you wake me up earlier!"

 

"I said I would explain once we were safe, so lets go!"

 

Millie brought Jay to the makeover mage's home, which was now more empty than an anorexic strippers stomach.

 

"The zombies attacked Goblin Village last night, there were only a few, but they killed all of the Goblins, I managed to

 

range down the zombies, but I didn't kill them. I tried my best to hide my face, but I couldn't. The wind blew my hood off

 

and they now know my identity. I'm almost sure that they're going to report this to their leader, which will hunt me down

 

until there is nothing left of me.

 

 

 

 

 

_____________________________________________________________

 

 

 

 

 

I'm not even close to being finished yet, its the first time I've tried anything like this, so please give me some advice.

[powerent]

Quite good, though if you show a bit more of the senses besides sight (hearing, smell, taste, and touch). Maybe a bit more detail, though it's great as it is on that subject. Give a bit more on the descriptions of characters, though. It's great so far. As you said you would, keep writing.

[Unoalexi]

Umm.. it's okay..

 

It really needs a title.

 

The story needs more flesh, there's no descriptions, no character backstorys.. Tell us about your characters so we can know them and love(or hate) them..

 

 

 

it seemed like he was posessed with a horrible rage. A rage that couldn't be stopped.

 

As Fred got closer to Jay, and grabbed him. Jay tried to fight back, but couldn't stop hi

 

 

 

Spelling errors and grammar errors abundant here..

 

 

 

The first too could be combined, and youre skipping words in the last too..

[archimage_a]

I have to agree. The story is ok but lacks any driving force and I am not really that bothered about what happens to the characters...Thats from the 'its only a story' point of view...

 

It reminds me alot of what I would written when I first started out, it doesn't have real characters, it has characters that have been stolen....A stolen character is alot less plyable than a real character because a stolen character has a set past, and you need to take that into account. A real character, you can make it up as you go along and since it is your character no one can argue with you.

 

I am not going to lie to you though. There is no insta-great stroy technique, and I am not the expert. The only way you can improve though is to read the stories of others and to keep writing yourself. If there is a story that you like try to write in that manner.

 

...

 

I was pretty rubbish(in my opinion) awhile ago... Then I read Reality Dysfunction by Peter F. Hamiton and I found a really decent way of writing....But I didn't steal it. I just used some of the techniques. He introduces the characters maybe months before the story actually starts, and gives them a personality, rather than just launching them in to the middle of a story. Thats the sort of thing that I like, and most people seem to like...because they know the characters they are on the edge of their seats because they care... Anyway I would also recommend that you tried to write something that gave Runescape so realistical nature. For instance the Dark Wizards don't just hang around all day waiting to be slaughtered, and the Zombies arn't just in the sewers. You need to make it realist...and say that they joined forces because of something, and when they overcame that something they reaked their revenge...something like that...

 

 

 

And it would be very helpful to have a title...