The Battle Arena

[Dizzle229]

Intro

 

 

 

Talos, a young tramp of about 17, sat in his favorite bar in Al Kharid. Though he wasn't a drinker, he found the bar to be a good escape from his problems. And when it came, to problems, he had alot of them. He was quickly going bankrupt. During the closing days of the Third Age, there weren't many opportunities in AL Kharid. Suddenly he heard gasping coming from the crowds that had gathered at one of the tables. Talos walked over to see what it was about. He immediately recognized what it was about. Mal Borag had taken a seat there. He knew Borag from his trips to the duel arena. Borag was the grand champion, undefeated since the start of his carreer. Many had tried their luck at the duel arena, it was an excellent way to get rich off the spoils of you opponent. If you didn't leave in a body bag that is. Mal was clearly drunk, because he looked up at Talos and said "you eye ballin' my axe?". "No, sorry" Talos said. But Borag was stubborn. Stubborn and drunk. "I think you are!" He threw a punch that made blood come bursting out of Talos's mouth. Borag drew his axe. Talos knew he had no choice. He had to run. He tried to jump over the bar counter but Mal was too fast. He grabbed Talos's foot and threw him to the other side of the room. When he saw the grand champion of the duel arena charging at him, he drew his only weapon, a bronze dagger, raised it in the air at a downward angle, and closed his eyes. He felt and impact, but no pain. I'm dead, he thought. He opened his eyes and looked around. He was still in the bar. The crowd, before with smiles on their face, were know staring at him in horror. He looked up. Mal Borag's face stared down at him. Talos realized he was still holding the dagger. He looked down Mal's body to about his waistline at saw what had happened. The dagger had pierced morags armor. As he pulled out the dagger, Mal's body fell to the ground. He dropped the dagger, in disbelief at what he had done. One man came towards Talos out of the crowd.Talos said, "If you're here to arrest me, go ahead. Can only be an mprovement on my current life". The man said, "I'm not here to arrest you, I'm here to invite you." Talos raised an eyebrow. "An invitation to what?" The man placed a hand on Talos's shoulder. "I saw how you took on Mal Borag. I'm here to offer you the chance of a lifetime. I'm Tarn Treyborn, founder of the Duel Arena to the south-east. I want to offer you a chance to fight there. You could make a lot of money." Talos had to be honest, or risk getting himself killed. "What happened to Borag, that wasn't skill, that was just luck." Treyborn knew talent when he saw it. " Should you accept, you will recieve Borag's armor, a dragon chainbody, dragon platelegs, and a dragon medium helmet. You will also recieve fifty percent of his gold. A total of four hundred thousand gold." Talos knew he shouldn't have done it, but he had no choice. After hearing about the gold that he could make, he knew he would go hungry if he refused. " I accept." Tarn Treyborn smiled. "Your first fight is tomorrow."

 

 

 

 

 

The rest to come soon, but until then, what do you think?

[Beaumonde]

Separate it into more paragraphs. In proper narrative literature new paragraphs are formed each time a new character speaks and whenever the writer feels necessary. Add more details as well, it's a bit bland right now and there are to many actions without enough description.

[Dizzle229]

Keep in mind this is the prologue. Don't worry everything you listed will be in the final story. And what do you guys think of the general plot?

[Nom]

Use paragraphs. Don't just write in one massive wall until you're finished. New paragraph every time someone new speaks, and bust it up in other ways as well.

 

 

 

Also, you stated at the beginning that he had a lot of problems, and then listed exactly one. That's a contradiction. Be more careful with your use of pronouns, as it got confusing in the middle when you used 'he' to refer to both men without direction. And be more descriptive, try to use adjectives and adverbs to make the writing less bland.

 

 

 

And please let this have more substance than repeated tellings of different fights. That's boring. Give us more meat to the story than 'the day to day fights of Talos.'

 

 

 

Don't get discouraged, this is only constructive criticism. I encourage you to keep writing, it's fun :) .

[Beaumonde]

Use paragraphs. Don't just write in one massive wall until you're finished. New paragraph every time someone new speaks, and bust it up in other ways as well.

 

 

 

Also, you stated at the beginning that he had a lot of problems, and then listed exactly one. That's a contradiction. Be more careful with your use of pronouns, as it got confusing in the middle when you used 'he' to refer to both men without direction. And be more descriptive, try to use adjectives and adverbs to make the writing less bland.

 

 

 

And please let this have more substance than repeated tellings of different fights. That's boring. Give us more meat to the story than 'the day to day fights of Talos.'

 

 

 

Don't get discouraged, this is only constructive criticism. I encourage you to keep writing, it's fun :) .

 

 

 

You mention the same things I did, make paragraphs and add details, way to state the already stated.

[Nom]

You mention the same things I did, make paragraphs and add details, way to state the already stated.

 

 

 

No one's getting commended for being the first to post crit, bud.

 

 

 

*Looks at post times*

 

 

 

Use some sense, man. I posted six minutes after you. You posted while I was writing my reply.

 

 

 

And there's nothing wrong with a second opinion.

[llamster]

Keep in mind this is the prologue. Don't worry everything you listed will be in the final story. And what do you guys think of the general plot?

 

 

 

Yes, but you can easily make the improvements they suggested within a couple of minutes or so. Especially the paragraphs.