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Posted 28 April 2009 - 08:47 PM
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Ok, it is an amazing peice of writing, possibly the most amazing that I have read. This may be due to me writing something last september and rereading recently...all the while thinking 'This can't be true...but is.' So when the others thought it sounded preachy my mind was wide open thinking 'This has happened somewhere, even if it hasn't happened to them.'
Also you really need to get rid of the punctuation in Sentinels, when I read it (I read it aloud) my voice found the natural order of the line, the natural stress of the syllables and I largely ignored the punctuation on the page.
That said some of the words just didn't fit.
Humongous for instance is the only three syllable word (except protectors which, when reading aloud, I paused after saying.) and was right in the middle of a flowing sentence. Humongous has a long sound right in the middle hugh-mung-gus, which draws so much emphasis on the word that it is the focal point of the setence.
Then we have 'impeccably as usual'. Just no. Not only is is a four syllabled word(like Umbrella, but umbrella features at then end of the setance, a very definate ending word) it is also out of place. 'Irreproachable as usual', 'Incapable of sin as usual'...It defines something which is already a 'as always', its like saying 'Joules per second' Joules are measured in seconds as default. As if all that was not enough it then strikes resonance with the reader 'Doesn't he mean perfect as usual' which breaks the line of thought, breaks the reality of the story.
'He then looked up' Then he looked up just sounds better. 'Then. He looked up.' Then gives that amazing pause, or rather I would pause after then...so...
'His eyes met yet another pair of eyes' Ok, you are limited here but that is no excuse for bad writing. It sounds almost like dry prose, you are reporting something which is so boring that you can't be bothered(or so it seems.)
Also 'met yet', that is just a no-no. Two similar sounds next to each other...
'flapping ceaselessly about in the wind, too walked'
Don't really need the about. The 'too' would be better served at the end, linking it to the first person...as opposed to linking then drawing back then linking.
Then 'exit the safety of their homes' exited?
Then a big gap 'Winter, now it is fathest' now at it's farthest?'
'The ticking watch is how the universe was like'
Is and was? Present and past tense...
Now you are presented with a big difficulty here because you are making the second thing the focus of the setence, but the English language is focused around making the first thing primary(QED).
The ticking watch. How like the Universe it was when we knew next to nothing about it.
Now then, I am not an Athesis as such...I believe in 'God', but his 'awesome might' is as 'the Death Star is to the power of the Force'(To paraphrase Vader). God's divine will is insignificant against the power of Humanity...Something which can create or destroy but nothing else, less than a fraction of the Universes lifespan was taken in creation and one expects less than a fraction will be taken in its destruction...of course assuming that was God's role.
So what do I believe in?
The soul...A golden reflection of ourself as we are truely meant to be, not good or bad but true. To a sever scientist this would be fufilling our genetic role, and such a view is accurate...but can you imagine yourself as a string of amino acid? Can you imagine your true self? Does it matter that I say Tomarto and you say Tomato, it only matters that I fufill the role that I have been given in life...and if that is to be someone that people disagree with because of what I believe in...then so be it.
Anyway getting far too deep for a literary essay so I shall ask that you PM me if you are interested in having a deep conversation.
Well I knew you wouldn't agree. I know how you hate facing facts.
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