The weapons of God

[Harakiri]

Just a loooong series I have been writing revolving around a government agent who specializes in odd occurences, and a woman who can read the future from dust...

 

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Chapter 1: Message in the dust

 

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Zach Archer followed the long, snaking road. The sands on either side blew into his eyes, and with every breath, it entered his throat, making him hack. He tried to pull his shirt over his mouth and nose, but it did not help.

 

As dust enveloped him, he pushed forward faster. The town couldn't be more than a mile away, and it probably had environmental stabilizers. Knowing the Dunes of Dilar though, there was little chance the town was even populized anymore. Sandworms seemed to be killing off the populations of all little towns in the dunes. If they did not have a Corse Military base or any kind of private army, they were screwed.

 

Zach continued running for the town. He could see it. The dust made all the buildings seem like shadows.

 

Five minutes later, Zach fell to the ground as he entered the safety of the environmental stabilizer. It was a globe that surrounded a city or town, and kept it safe from the hazards of the outside. It could harden and keep raiders out, or could protect the town from a storm, as it was at that moment. It could not though, protect from worms, which could dig beneath the stabilizer and attack.

 

Zach threw up. He wiped the remaining flecks from his mouth and got up. He looked around the city.

 

Some people walked about. They wore large brimmed hats and vests. Cowboys.

 

Zach walked by a stable where cyborg horses whinnied at him. He waved at them, and watched their photorecetors try to understand the move.

 

"Hey, what the hell you doin'?" Four of the cowboys came at Zach, their boots kicking up dust.

 

"These your horses?" Zach asked, waving at them.

 

"Whats it to you? You should'n mess with out horses..."

 

They pulled six shooters from their holsters and aimed them at Zach's head.

 

"What'cha do to our damn horses?" Asked one of the cowboys.

 

"Nothin'. I said hi to them."

 

"Why you startin' stuff?"

 

Zach only smiled. "Remember me Jack? You shot my damn horse out in the Dunes. I had to walk all the way here to kill you."

 

"Thats how I remember you..." One of the men pulled the trigger. Zach rolled out of the way and waved again towards the horses.

 

They whinied and ran at the cowboys, stampeding them. Some got broken legs and arms, others heads exploded under the impact.

 

Jack laughed as one of the horses fell from one of his shots. His arm was bent in a bad position, but he was still able to get up. The men still alive groaned at his feet, clutching their broken limbs.

 

"You bastard..." Jack tried to shoot, but Zach shot him first. Jack fell into a heap, blood pooling around his head.

 

Zach threw his pistol to the ground. In one move he had kicked the six shooter of one of the dying men into his hand and shot Jack. Not even the best of combatants could do the move that fast, especially without the other man not noticing.

 

Zach walked down the main street. People stared at him. The women stared longingly, and the men stared with hate.

 

At the end of the street, a skinny woman in a purple dress was staring at the ground. Her finger drew a gentle curve in the dust, and she laughed as she heard Zach's footsteps.

 

"I had known you were coming. The dust told me." She stood and wiped her fingers on her blouse.

 

"My names Jenny Smit. I practice abacomancy."

 

"My names Zach Archer. I practice nothing, because theres nothing I need to practice."

 

"You sound like you know a lot."

 

"Need to in my business."

 

"And what exactly is your business?"

 

"None of yours."

 

"Do you have anything you can tell someone? Your secretive enough to be a government agent..." She smiled more to herself than at Zach.

 

"Don't get any ideas..."

 

She laughed.

 

She bent down again and traced a path in the dust.

 

"The dust has told me your future."

 

Zach grunted in response.

 

"The dust has told me you are the man who will bring the gods wrath down upon us, destroy us."

 

"Dust blows, so do your predictions." Zach said, smirking.

 

Jenny stood and pointed at Zach accusingly. "Why do you have to be such an [wagon]? Why can't you be nice, act like a normal human. Are you some kind of monster of the Dunes, or of any part of the land? Tell me!"

 

Zach frowned. "I swear, women always seem to find a way to annoy me more than anyone else. I've had more productive conversations with reanimated corpses than with your gender."

 

Jenny looked horrified. "Probably because your bad with women!"

 

Zach shrugged. "I don't talk to women much."

 

"Are you...gay? I mean, I know a lot of men who are..."

 

"What if I said I am a loner. I am straight, I just don't like people clinging to me like the dust says you want to..."

 

She gasped. "You can read it?"

 

Zach nodded. "Its quite simple. You yourself look too far into the dust. It doesn't say anything about the gods bringing wrath upon us, it says I will kill the gods and bring wrath upon us."

 

"And you aren't afraid or mad or anything?" She asked.

 

"No. Why should I?"

 

"You will bring about the destruction of us all!"

 

"As long as it shuts you up I'll be happy."

 

"God dammit..." She slapped him.

 

Zach walked off towards the edge of town, not at all phased by the slap. "Its nearing the end of the day. I'm gonna get some food and some horses. If your coming, then follow along, just don't go telling the gods I'm the one who killed you. It was your foolishness. I'm warning you."

 

"So you like me and expect me to follow because of that?"

 

"How about I dispise you and know you'll follow me anyway because your perplexed by me."

 

"God your good."

 

Zach walked off, and did not even pay attention to the girl scrambling behind him.

 

"I'll meet you at the diner on the edge of town. Just lemme pack my things."

 

Zach continued on. There was some other reason she was following him, and he knew why. The dust had told him that he was escorting her to the capital city. She figured he worked for the government.

 

"So I'm running a free escort service?" Zach whispered to himself.

[Harakiri]

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Chapter 2: The Beasts

 

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The diner was a large place. Booths sat around the perimeter and large tables sat in the middle. Zach sat in one of the booths, and sipped at his coffee. A young woman came to him, carrying a menu.

 

"Hows it doin' sugah?" She asked, straining to get the southern accent out.

 

"Talk normally honey, it will benefit us both." Zach replied, taking the menu.

 

"Okay. Your not from the Dunes are you?"

 

"You know the answer."

 

She laughed. "So what'll you have."

 

"I have someone coming to meet me. Talk to me while I wait. Where are you from?"

 

"The burbs of the Capital."

 

Zach smirked. "Know where the city of fountains are?"

 

The server smiled. "Yeah, right by the capital building."

 

"Thats where I used to live."

 

She gasped. "No wonder you speak the way you do...Wow...can I sit down?"

 

Zach shook his head. "The woman is coming in right now..."

 

Jenny carried two duffel bags over here shoulders, and set them down beside the booth as she sat across from Zach.

 

"Coffee." She told the waitress.

 

"Alright Jen." The waitress walked away.

 

"So you want to go to the capital and thinking by hiding in my shadow you'll be able to get there without paying?"

 

Her eyes grew wide. "You knew?"

 

Zach wanted to strangle the woman. "You've got guts kid. You know who I am?"

 

"Government."

 

Zach laughed. "Not even close."

 

"A bounty hunter?"

 

"Closer."

 

"What are you then?"

 

Zach grunted. "Since your following me anyways, I might as well tell you."

 

Her eyes grew wide. "What are you?"

 

"A weapon of god."

 

At this, she sighed. "You a priest?"

 

Zach laughed. "Nope. I'm a weapon of god."

 

Jenny heard nothing else as she got her coffee. While they waited for their meal, they only made eye contact twice, and the only thing Zach said was:

 

"Your not as old as you look. Your eighteen."

 

Jenny wanted to know what a weapon of god was. Some people called priests that, but what could he be if not a priest. He was an odd man, but he was handsome, and while he was odd and disrespectful, he still had a charm that perplexed her. He could read dust better than him, he could tell her age, and he could do it all without showing the slightest bit of care.

 

While she was trying to get a free ticket to the Capital, she picked him because the dust had told her about his power, and that while he talked bad of her, he liked her.

 

Then again, she apparently was not as good as she thought at reading the dust.

 

 

 

Zach and Jenny walked out of the atmospheric stablizer, and onto the path leading through the Dunes. They each led a cyborg horse. After walking a while, they hopped on and started to gallop towards a canyon.

 

"So, would you care to finally explain what you do?" Jenny asked as they entered the canyon. Two rock walls flanked either side of them. There was no way to escape a fight from this place.

 

Zach noticed a shadow on a nearby rock. It was a cats shadow.

 

"You see that canvas bag next to your right thigh?" Zach asked.

 

"Yeah." Jenny said.

 

"Theres a gun in there, you wanna know what job I do then hand it over."

 

She hesitated to get it and give it to him. But then she remembered the dust, and knew he just could not kill her.

 

The shadow moved slowly towards the two.

 

"There is a large cat coming at us."

 

"Where? We could see it if it were on this path. Theres nothing for it to hide behind."

 

"I know." Zach watched the shadow come faster along the rock wall to his left. It was coming at his horses shadow.

 

"[cabbage]!" He screamed as the cat shadow swiped, cutting off the horse shadows head.

 

The cyborg horses head flew in the air, and Zach fell off.

 

Jenny screamed as the shadow went for Zach's.

 

Zach pulled a knife from his boot and stuffed it into the shadows head.

 

"Show yourself demon!" He yelled. The knife was the shape of the cross.

 

The cat morphed from a shadow, into a real panther. The knife protruded from its back, but it still had some fight.

 

Jenny continued to sit there and scream.

 

"Yeah, thanks for helping girl!" Zach screamed as the panther pounced him. Its long claws swiped at his face, and got a hit. Zachs cheek began to bleed like a river.

 

Zach shot the cat in its stomach with his gun.

 

"Jesus, Shadow Cats are powerful...thanks for the help..." Zach got up.

 

"What? You could've shot that bastard instead of lying there while it swiped at you."

 

"I had to switch bullet types. Can't kill a demon with a regular bullet. Have to use special kinds."

 

He showed her his revolver. It had five bullets now, but each were a different color.

 

"The one I used had Holy Water in it. These other ones carry poison, are regular bullets, or are full of explosives."

 

"Who sells those kind of bullets?" Jenny asked.

 

"Only the weapons of god can get these kind of bullets."

 

She screamed at him. "WHAT THE HELL IS A WEAPON OF GOD? YOU SAID THAT DISPLAY WOULD TELL ME! IT DIDN'T!"

 

"Your a pretty thick girl, aren't you? Most people would run away from me if they saw these bullets. Let me tell you what I do..."

[mr_dude160]

One thing i can say.

 

 

 

The dialogue, way too much. I can't stand to read this story because there is way too much dialogue, and there is so little description of what's going on, and the plot is horrible. cyborg horses? And why would cowboys with freaking CYBORG HORSES have six shooters? there's no real description of the stable, or the horses, just that they are cyborg. Why not suggest what time period it's in, since it's obviously in the future, or in space or whatever. Why do the horses have unyielding obedience to him? There is no emotion in the dialogue, no real description of the cowboys or whatever.

 

 

 

Zach shrugged. "I don't talk to women much."

 

"Are you...gay? I mean, I know a lot of men who are..."

 

"What if I said I am a loner. I am straight, I just don't like people clinging to me like the dust says you want to..."

 

She gasped. "You can read it?"

I can tell that's meant to be a joke, and really it makes you come across as immature. The last thing i would do in the middle of the desert while talking to a stranger is ask him if he's gay.

 

 

 

I can honestly say, i can't bear to finish this story, there's nothing to pull me in, to keep me interested. If i were to grade this, the grade would be very poor. like an F...

[jenova1692]

Alot of the sentences are too choppy. I don't really know what to say other than it just doesn't flow right. Like mr_dude said, there is too much dialogue compared to description. The story also just seems to cliche. I mean really, cyborg horses?

 

 

 

Another thing to consider is to widen your vocabulary and word usage. I noticed almost every other line starting with Zach. "zach did this" seems to sum up most of them. Try to find other words to use instead of just his name. And don't necessarily be so direct with what happened. Rather than say directly what he did, make it indirect. For example, you say "the server smiled". Instead you could say something like "A wide smile appeared on the servers face" or "The server curled her drew her lips back into a smile". Now, these examples could definitely be improved with much more descriptive detail, but they basically show what I am trying to say.

[Harakiri]

I wrote this in fifth grade, so I just wanted to post it and see what other people thought...I knew it sucked from the beginning...