i don't really like poetry

 

dull

 

short

 

meaningless words

 

strung 'creatively' together

 

like the [cabbage] from your mouth

 

 

 

i don't really like poetry

 

all of this talk

 

love love love

 

hate hate hate

 

blah blah blah

 

 

 

to be honest

 

i don't know what it's like to love

 

and i don't know what it's like to hate

 

 

 

i don't really like poetry

 

they make me feel paranoid

 

i feel like they're written about me

 

and i get anxious

 

why would anyone love me?

 

 

 

i wish i could take your poems

 

and strap it to a chair

 

and take a knife to it's throat

 

drag the blade across

 

and let the lies

 

drip

 

out

 

of

 

it's

 

neck

 

'i

 

love

 

you'

 

 

 

so please

 

could you stop with the poems,

 

it would really make my day

 

half of your poems don't rhyme anyways

 

 

 

----

 

suggestions, corrections, complaints and constructive criticism will be accepted without being angry. :P

I would suggest pulling "meaningless words" into one line.

 

 

 

stringed 'creatively' together

 

 

 

"stringed" should be "strung" and I would suggest deleting "creatively. It would simply say: Strung together.

 

 

 

like the [cabbage] from your mouth

 

 

 

I would consider finding a more effective simile, not because of any censored language, but because "stringed 'creatively' together like the [cabbage] from your mouth" doesn't make much sense to me. If nothing else I feel you could delete the final line and lose nothing.

 

 

 

i don't really like poetry

 

it never concerns me

 

 

 

i don't really like poems

 

they make me feel paranoid

 

i feel like they're written about me

 

 

 

The above two quotes create a contradiction against one another

 

 

 

drip

 

out

 

of

 

it's

 

neck

 

'i

 

love

 

you'

 

 

 

What effect are you trying to achieve with the one word lines? It's probably just be me, but I didn't understand. Unless you are trying to slow the reader down for some sort of shock value?

 

 

 

so please

 

could you stop with the poems,

 

it would really make my day

 

half of your poems don't rhyme anyways

 

 

 

Consider removing "so" from the first line and just leaving "please". Remove "of" from the final line and have "half your poems don't rhyme anyways".

 

 

 

I'm not sure if you are aware of it, but in your refrain, "i don't really like poetry" you changed it to "poems" on S4L1.

 

 

 

I enjoy the irony of writing a poem to describe how you don't like poetry. It reminds me of a poem published in our school's literary magazine last year:

 

 

 

I Hate Poetry

 

 

 

I hate poetry and sentiment

 

It seems a waste of time

 

To let the heart and soul lament

 

With banal and blatant rhyme

 

 

 

What's a languid lass to do

 

In lieu of lively limereick

 

Replace the sonnet or haiku

 

With something less melodic

 

 

 

Candor and cathartic prose

 

Who has the time to scan

 

Learning, loving, laughing, woes

 

Are silly to the simple man

 

 

 

When thinking is a trying chore

 

Eschew philosophy

 

If knowledge and wisdom become a bore

 

Just turn on the TV.

 

 

 

~Erica Baker

 

 

 

Her poem is obviously sarcastic. Yours comes off a bit more genuine however.

Whatever, man, I liked it.

 

 

 

Though it seems like it would be scrawled upon a bloody asylum wall on a stormy day, it was cool.

I would suggest pulling "meaningless words" into one line.

 

like the [cabbage] from your mouth

 

 

 

I would consider finding a more effective simile, not because of any censored language, but because "stringed 'creatively' together like the [cabbage] from your mouth" doesn't make much sense to me. If nothing else I feel you could delete the final line and lose nothing.

 

The [cabbage] that comes from the person's mouth is creative because it's manipulative and a lie etc.

 

 

 

drip

 

out

 

of

 

it's

 

neck

 

'i

 

love

 

you'

 

 

 

What effect are you trying to achieve with the one word lines? It's probably just be me, but I didn't understand. Unless you are trying to slow the reader down for some sort of shock value?

 

 

no, it's because I'm letting the words drip out of its neck, and the words taking up one line = words dripping out.

 

 

 

Thanks for c/c, very helpful. :)

Whatever, man, I liked it.

 

 

 

Though it seems like it would be scrawled upon a bloody asylum wall on a stormy day, it was cool.

 

 

 

I second that opinion :D

Whatever, man, I liked it.

 

 

 

Though it seems like it would be scrawled upon a bloody asylum wall on a stormy day, it was cool.

 

 

 

I second that opinion :D

 

 

 

I second it also.