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Broken Bones


Knotch_Blade

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http://maxximiliann.deviantart.com/art/ ... -124951821

 

 

 

Lightning cracked

 

like an angry whip,

 

Many lives have ended

 

their treacherous trip.

 

Spilled blood,

 

Broken bones,

 

Shattered dreams,

 

And scattered souls.

 

With charred remains in

 

freshly dug holes sunken,

 

into the earthen floor.

 

Mother Earth,

 

is there room for one more?

 

 

 

I'm not looking for critique, I put no effort into this, I just let emotion pour through the ink in my pen.

 

 

 

Comments, tell me the scene it paints in your mind, and I'll let you know how I pictured it after 10? posts.

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The jump from short sentences to slightly longer detailed ones kind of distorted the rhythm and flow of the poem for me.

 

I see one person in a barren wasteland screaming with raw emotion. It does invoke a feel of despair :o

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☢ CAUTION ☢ CAUTION ☢ CAUTION ☢ CAUTION ☢

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Exactly.

 

 

 

I envisioned me in a barren wasteland, sorta post apocalyptic battle, like the Battle of Stalingrad.

 

 

 

And I was the last man standing, but upset with the cruelty of humanity, I joined my fallen comrades and committed suicide.

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I like it. :thumbup:

 

 

 

Light criticism.

 

 

 

Lightning cracked

 

like an angry whip,

 

 

 

Easy on the similies there, danger mouse. Find something less -common,obvious,etc...-

 

 

 

their treacherous trip.

 

 

 

Drivel and unneccesary.

 

 

 

With charred remains in

 

freshly dug holes sunken,

 

into the earthen floor.

 

 

 

Gotta' get your pacing and literary syncopation right. Remeber to keep the rhythm and flow of the poem.

 

 

 

What I would do :

 

 

 

Charred remains,

 

in holes freshly dug

 

lie bodies,

 

into the earthern floor sunk.

 

 

 

Changed it around and added some parts, but I feel it sounds much better.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Mother Earth,

 

is there room for one more?

 

 

 

IMO, the only line worth keeping. These last two lines saved the poem. Everything else sounded like worn-out cliches.

 

 

 

I put no effort into this, I just let emotion pour through the ink in my pen.

 

 

 

Your comma-spliced sentence is disappointing. You put in no effort? :thumbdown:

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Mother Earth,

 

is there room for one more?

 

 

 

IMO, the only line worth keeping. These last two lines saved the poem. Everything else sounded like worn-out cliches.

 

 

 

I put no effort into this, I just let emotion pour through the ink in my pen.

 

 

 

Your comma-spliced sentence is disappointing. You put in no effort? :thumbdown:

 

 

 

Yea, I wrote it in Geometry class instead of listening. :P

 

 

 

And I must agree, that that was my favourite part of the poem.

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