Critique my essay pls

[MyLastFewDays]

This short essay (300-400 words) is for a summer program at Duke. I was given a relatively obscure prompt, so I hope my response wasn't too abstract. Of course, this is just a rough draft, but I would like to hear fellow writers' opinions. Genuine suggestions are greatly appreciated. Thanks.

 

Prompt: Find your Future

 

===> As a young kid, I could never really decide what profession I wanted to pursue. There was a multitude of possibilities that appealed to me, and a few which I desired to partake of, but each choice seemed as great as the last. I knew that I wanted to do something that I found meaningful, but I had no idea where to focus my efforts. Now, as a seventeen year old, I’m still asking myself that same question. But, of course I’m debating with a sense of urgency much greater than what I had as a child. In just two years, I will be attending college, and at times, the knowledge of that fact can be a bit overwhelming. There’s so much pressure, there’s so many decisions that must be made early in life, and this is where it starts to get difficult; this is the time where one must begin planning for the rest of one's life, and at such a young age. Inevitably, the one thing that gives me comfort is knowing that there are other students all around the world undergoing this very same situation.

 

===> So, I think that’s one of the questions that resonates all over the world, it's spoken universally: “What’s going to happen after high school and how can I discover that; how can I find that in myself?”. The one answer I can give is simple, yet hopefully effective, and that is to be constantly trying new things. One thing that I try to live by is, every day, try and do something I’m unfamiliar or uncomfortable with, whether it be joining a game of Ultimate Frisbee, or joining in a debate with the Philosophy Club. Eventually I became accustomed to performing tasks which once made me nervous or somewhat afraid. I realize that I must keep trying new things, and continue to step out of my comfort zone, growing and expanding. If I can do that, I'm certain I will be able to find what it is I am meant to do. And although my future plans are indefinite, my goals are infinite. I want to do everything and be everything; most of all, I want to be the best.

[Cheat]

This short essay (300-400 words) is for a summer program at Duke. I was given a relatively obscure prompt, so I hope my response wasn't too abstract. Of course, this is just a rough draft, but I would like to hear fellow writers' opinions. Genuine suggestions are greatly appreciated. Thanks.

 

Prompt: Find your Future

 

===> As a young kid, I could never really decide what profession I wanted to pursue. There was a multitude of possibilities that appealed to me, and a few which I desired to partake of, but each choice seemed as great as the last. I knew that I wanted to do something that I found meaningful, but I had no idea where to focus my efforts. Now, as a seventeen year old, Im still asking myself that same question. But, of course Im debating with a sense of urgency much greater than that I had as a child. In just two years, I will be attending college, and at times, the knowledge of that fact can be overwhelming. Theres so much pressure, so many decisions that need be made early in life, and this is where it gets difficult; this is the time where one must begin planning for the rest of one's life, and at such a young age. Inevitably, the one thing that gives me comfort is knowing that there are other students all around the world experiencing this very same situation.

 

===> So, I think thats one of the questions that resonates all over the world, it's spoken universally: Whats going to happen after high school and how can I discover it; how can I find it within in myself?. The answer I can give is simple, yet hopefully effective, and that is to be constantly trying new things. One thing that I try to live by is; every day, try and do something different, something Im unfamiliar or uncomfortable with, whether it be joining a game of Ultimate Frisbee, or partaking in a debate with the Philosophy Club. Eventually I became accustomed to performing tasks which once made me nervous or somewhat afraid. I realize that I must keep trying new things, and continue to step out of my comfort zone, growing and expanding. If I can do that, I'm certain I will be able to find what it is I am meant to do and although my future plans are indefinite, my aspirations are infinite. I want to do everything and be everything; most of all, I want to be the best.

 

Fairly good, quite a personal thing to critique. I changed some of the wording round just to what I thought sounded better - deleted some stuff, changed others. Anything I changed is in bold.

[Sy_Accursed]

To me I'd say it doesn't paint you too well.

The subtext of "constantly trying new things and stepping outside my comfort zone" can be read as "I don;t stick at anything that long as I have a short attention span and/or limited commitment and just move on to something new"

[Guy]

I agree with what sy accursed said about maybe constantly trying new things can be inferred to mean that you don't stick to things, but stepping out of ones comfort zone is good. You should really really read through it and correct the grammar - it makes it quite hard to make sense of. Also, make it 'flow' a bit better when reading

[Jaffy1]

First:

Welcome to Tip.It. :)

 

Second: I'm unsure what the purpose of your assignment is, or which rules you are bound by, but I would assume that you are assessed on your use of language in some way?

 

 

Anyway.. Aside from the points raised in above posts, I would suggest you adjust your jargon somewhat:

As a young kid child

 

Avoid words like "really" because they weaken your writing.

 

There's a number of grammatical issues:

There was a multitude of possibilities that appealed to me, and a few (professions?) which I desired to partake of in, but each choice seemed as great as the last.

 

Are you trying to "partake of a possibility that appealed to you" ?? Are you referring to a number of professions or jobs? Think about what you're trying to say and take your reader by the hand: state - explain - illustrate.

 

Mind your grammar:

If you're not sure what to use, use a dictionary. For terminology, use a thesaures.

[hide=Partake of/in]

1 (partake of) eat or drink (something): he partook of a well-earned drink

2 (partake in) join in (an activity): visitors can partake in golfing or clay pigeon shooting

3 (partake of) be characterized by (a quality): the birth of twins became an event which partook of the mythic

[/hide]

 

 

Avoid using excessive wording - refer to Wadsworth's section on Deadwood:

I knew that I wanted to do something that I found meaningful, but I had no idea where to focus my efforts.

 

Also avoid the use of contractions, and try not to start sentences with words like "but" and "and"

Asking yourself what question? Debating what? Why is there a greater sense of urgency?

Now, as a seventeen year old, Aged 17, I’m I am still asking myself that same question. But, of course I’m debating with a sense of urgency much greater than what I had as a child

^I would actually just remove that whole thing and reword what you're trying to say in one concise sentence.

 

 

Reword this sentence (it is ungrammatical), but before you even keep it in, ask yourself what you're trying to say here.

How is this sentence relevent to the rest of your essay? Why is it overwhelming when you still have two years?

In just two years, I will be attending college, and at times, the knowledge of that fact can be a bit overwhelming.

 

 

Which decisions and what pressure? Where does what start to get difficult, and why? Which young age? Must we really be planning our lives at age 17 (assuming that's what you mean)? Why?

Also: try to use written language, rather than type up something you would speak.

There’s There is so much pressure, there’s there are so many decisions that must be made early in life, and this is where it starts to get difficult; this is the time where one must begin planning for the rest of one's life, and at such a young age.

 

 

What situation? Why does it give you comfort? People can "undergo situations"? "...undergoing this very same situation" ??

I may not be a native English speaker, but the wording strikes me as off.

Inevitably, the one thing that gives me comfort is knowing that there are other students all around the world undergoing this very same situation.

 

 

Keep in mind that I only went through your first paragraph, and that these are only a few points.

[Surprise]

===> So , I think that’s one of the questions that resonates all over the world, it's spoken universally: “What’s going to happen after high school and how can I discover that; how can I find that in myself?”. The one answer I can give is simple, yet hopefully effective, and that is to be constantly trying new things. One thing that I try to live by is, every day, try and do something I’m unfamiliar or uncomfortable with, whether it be joining a game of Ultimate Frisbee, or joining in a debate with the Philosophy Club. Eventually I became accustomed to performing tasks which once made me nervous or somewhat afraid. I realize that I must keep trying new things, and continue to step out of my comfort zone, growing and expanding. If I can do that,I'm certain I will be able to find what it is I am meant to do. And although my future plans are indefinite, my goals are infinite. I want to do everything and be everything; most of all, I want to be the best.

 

"So I think that."

 

You can just open with "One of the questions."

 

This is a personal essay so you don't need to use I.

 

one of the questions that resonates all over the world, it's spoken universally:

 

This sentence doesn't make sense as you are stating the same thing twice, you should re word this. I would personally remove the word "resonate." It doesn't fit the style of writing you are trying to achieve.

 

That's

 

This is very picky but in any formal essay you should expand it fully to "That is" if you keep it.

 

to be constantly trying new things. One thing that I try to live by is, every day, try and do something

 

You could do a lot more with your word allowance if you stopped repeating the exact same thing the next sentence.

 

One thing that I try to live by is, every day, try and do something.

 

Embedding sentences. Right, I've just checked only this one of many in this essay and it doesn't work. Mainly because you have your sentence ordered muddled up:

 

One thing that I try to l live by every day is to try and do something new.

 

That makes sense unlike your previous sentence. Every day doesn't need to be between commas and should be before "is" and you are missing a "to" as well.

 

 

growing and expanding

 

Another picky point but the use of the word "expanding" isn't really the best. Also' date=' please, state the obvious. Don't leave words unqualified; hammer your point home.

 

Also, change your sentence structure up more. A powerful essay will employ a variety of different sentence structures. Just a query but has somebody taught you recently how to use commas? You seem to try and throw them into every sentence; don't crowbar techniques in, let it flow fluently.

 

Another thing, one) what tense are you trying to write in? You seem to flirt between tenses but never firmly using one. secondly) Whenever you have a word such as "and" or "but" you have no need to use a comma. As you will see, I went through and removed every unneeded one.

 

As a young kid, I could never really decide what profession I wanted to pursue. There was a multitude of possibilities that appealed to me, and a few which I desired to partake of, but each choice seemed as great as the last. I knew that I wanted to do something that I found meaningful, but I had no idea where to focus my efforts. Now, as a seventeen year old, I’m still asking myself that same question. But, of course I’m debating with a sense of urgency much greater than what I had as a child. In just two years, I will be attending college, and at times, the knowledge of that fact can be a bit overwhelming. There’s so much pressure, there’s so many decisions that must be made early in life, and this is where it starts to get difficult; this is the time where one must begin planning for the rest of one's life, and at such a young age. Inevitably, the one thing that gives me comfort is knowing that there are other students all around the world undergoing this very same situation.

 

where one must begin planning for the rest of one's life

 

Writing as "one" is not necessary and sounds stupid in this context. If you are going to refer to yourself stick to I not "one must."

 

and a few which I desired to partake of

 

Part take is two words. It should also be "in" not "of."

 

and at such a young age

 

Doesn't seem to make sense how you have used it.

 

In those first two lines of paragraph one you don't really go anywhere. You state a point and then set about re stating the same point just written differently.

 

myself that same question. But

 

No need to end the sentence there just remove the full stop.

 

Inevitably, the one thing that gives me comfort is knowing that there are other students all around the world undergoing this very same situation

 

Qualify your point, what is your situation? Yes you only have 400 words to play with but if you scrap out all the unnecessary waffle you can write a much better essay.

 

Also, the stuff underlined s all the commas you may want to remove.

 

Oh, I apologise for picking apart your essay.