Tim of the Temple Knights

[Harry Delvin]

Table of1. Prologue Contents

1. Prolouge

2. A Noob of Power

3. The Challenge

4. The Enemy

5. A Hero's Helping Hand

6. Bob of the Black Knights

7. A Demon is Summoned

8. The Destruction of Runescape

9. The Mortal Meets Saradomin

10. Time Rewind

11. A Demon is Summoned Redux

12. Our Hero's Fate

13. Epilogue

14. Appendix: Character Explanations

[Harry Delvin]

Chapter 1

It was a bright and moonlit night. Tim sat in his chair, drinking tea. He was relaxing by the fire, with dinner in his POH. Then, suddenly, a Black night crashed through the wall and roared, "You will die, and no one will hear you scream! Ah ha ha ha ha!" He brought his sword slowly down on Tim's neck, and then-

"Tim! Wake up!" yelled a woman.

Tim groggily sat up and said "Whozair?!" He was in a hammock in a white, brick, clean room with his bags on a table. The woman in the doorframe said "It's Miss Cheevers. You're starting training today!" Tim replied, memories rushing back into his head, "Oh, yeah. I forgot. I'll be down in a bit." Miss Cheevers replied calmly, "Okay. I hope you like muffins and bacon", and Tim started going over to his bags quickly to get dressed. His favorite foods were muffins and bacon, and he would never pass up the chance to eat them. Miss Cheevers said, "I'll leave you to it. You'll get your armor this afternoon."

[Harry Delvin]

Chapter 2

Tim was in the Temple Knights, but only due to an accident. Due to his positioning, and previous goings-on, and his short explanation in which the witness cut him off, he was inducted. He was cornered by two bandits, who were confronted by a man in runite, who died but killed the bandits as he fell. A temple knight found Tim, and thought that Tim had single-handedly fought off three bandits, one of whom wore runite. Tim passed the tests that he needed to pass to get in, though, and became a Temple Knight. Now, he got dressed, brushed his red hair, and set off to breakfast.

[Harry Delvin]

Chapter 3

Tim tucked in quickly at breakfast. He forgot all about the incident over breakfast, and after breakfast, he went to the training hall. There, he took a fake sword. His trainer, Sir Leye, was impressed as he somehow ripped the training dummy's head off. This was enough for Sir Leye to decide that Tim deserved his armor. Sir Leye exclaimed, " Tim, that was impressive. Go down the hall to the test rooms. There will be some knights in there. Tell them that you have earned your armor. They will instruct you from there." Tim said, "Okay, then. I'll tell them that." He then set off to the room.

Tim met a few knights in there: Sir Tiffy Cashien and Sir Ren Itchood. He said happily, "Hi. I've been told to tell you that I earned my armor." Sir Tiffy replied, "Jolly good then! Let's get on with it, wot wot?" Sir Ren Itchood said, "Well then, you are our last hope. All the other knights are on missions, and you need to infiltrate this area."

Tim noticed that Itchood was pointing at a map on the table, at an area under the Black Knight's Fortress. "It is a top priority. Take this armor. It will give you a disguise. Push on this wall-" he pointed at a wall"-and it will open. Go in and try to enter this-" he pointed at a room"-room. Eavesdrop through this door, and record it on your commorb. then teleport back here with this tablet." He handed Tim a tablet. "Got all that?" Tim had been writing the instructions on his arm. "Yep," replied Tim. I'll go. Itchood handed Tim a Black Knight's Fortress tele-tab, and said, "So long!"

[Harry Delvin]

Chapter 4

Tim put on the armor, which was guard's armor, and broke the tablet. A rush of color and sound later, he found himself outside the fortress. He snuck in through the door, and pushed on the wall Itchood had described. It opened, and he snuck down. He went to the room Itchood had described, and eavesdropped through the door.

"Well, I think that we should require verification through the door," said a woman's voice.

"That is not the point of this meeting," said a man." We are here to discuss our secret weapon."

Tim started recording on his commorb.

"Our secret weapon, the Demon Avatar of Zamorak, must be summoned tomorrow. Do you have the Fiery Chaos Runes, Impa?" came the man's voice.

A third voice, this one an imp's, said, "Yep. I stole em' both. Then I went to the Fire altar and used the chaos rune oh it, which combined em'."

The man replied, "Good, good. Andrina, take the runes and finish the ritual. We will destroy Runescape tomorrow! HA HA HA AH!"

Tim panicked and ran out into the first room, where he met a black knight.

"Uh-oh."

[Harry Delvin]

Chapter 5

The knight said, "Shh. I'm here to help. You're also from the Temple Knights, correct? I'm Lieutenant Bob."

Tim felt great relief. "Yeah. I just heard the conversation about the weapon."

Bob replied, "Okay. They know there was a breach. I'm going to escort you out.

 

Once out of the castle, they were still surrounded with knights. Tim whispered, "Psst. Why are they positioned everywhere?"

"They think you stole something. As if, right?"

Tim replied politely, "Well, thanks. I'd better teleport out. I forgot about it back at the fortress."

"Wait! where's the tab!?"

Bob said, evilly, "I stole it and threw it away."

"WHAT?! HOW COULD YOU?!"

Bob replied immediately, "I am a Black Knight Elite. I have been hired to find and kill you."

[Harry Delvin]

Chapter 6

Tim panicked again. How could this be? He quickly searched his pockets for a weapon, but then realized that he never carried one.He thought about making a run for it. He took a few paces toward Falador, when Bob swung and cracked the commorb. Tim ran, and soon, Bob had destroyed everything had except for his clothes. Tim spotted a knife and grabbed it without haste.

Tim blocked Bob's every move. They clished and clashed and clanked. Then, Bob knocked Tim to the ground. This wasn't Tim's downfall; it was Bob's. Bob said, "any last words, Tim?" Tim replied smartly, "Yes. That was the biggest mistake you ever made." And a second later, Bob no longer had a head. Just as Tim made to get up, thousands of Black Knights surrounded him. Then, Tim felt a metal- clad fist on his head and blacked out.

Tim woke up in a jail cell. He asked his guard what time it was, and the guard said, "The day Runescape will be destroyed."

[Harry Delvin]

Chapter 7

Tim panicked yet again. He hadn't counted on being captured, nor about the possibility that this all could go wrong. He smacked the guard upside the head, and took the keys, all the while thinking, "they should have made these bar gaps thinner." He took the guard's stuff, including the armor, and ran as quickly as he could through the fortress main route.

He found the door into the room where he had eavesdropped, and saw a man in black armor with a witch who was muttering an incantation.

"Well well well, our little prisoner. Isn't this cute, Andrina, the stupid little noob thinks he can stop our plans," said the man. He was the man Tim had eavesdropped on earlier. "You," Tim said, "will never get away with this."

"And YOU are going to stop me? You and what army?"

Tim then felt fear. Lots of it. The witch had stopped muttering. He should have acted sooner.

ROARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There was an expanse of light, an expanse of darkness, and Tim hit a floor of some strange, otherworldly material.

Runescape

had been

destroyed.

[Harry Delvin]

Chapter 9

Tim looked around. He was in some kind of room with tall pillars, a silver-and-crystal floor, and pure white marble walls. The biggest feature of the room were the huge doors at the far end of the room.

"Hello?" Tim said.

"Hello-o."

"Hello, Tim. I have been expecting you."

Tim turned around. Behind him was a man with long white robes, a huge wooden staff, and a large beard-Saradomin.

"Tim, I am Saradomin."

Tim replied, weakly, "Nice to meet you, Mr. Saradomin."

Saradomin replied, with a hearty smile, "Nice to meet you, Tim."

"There has been a disturbance in the world. Zamorak must have dropped a message telling the Black Knights to surround you. How else could they have found you?"

"I have seen good traits in you. You are brave, and you are also polite and a good friend. I need your help."

"I can send one person back in time to prevent this from happening. I am not allowed, by Guthix, to tell you what to do, but I can give you a hint. There is a secret passage behind the back wall of the cell. Good bye and good luck.

And Tim fell unconscious.

[Harry Delvin]

Chapter 10

Tim woke up in the cell where he had been kept prisoner. He knocked the guard unconscious, as last time, and then he pounded on the back wall. It opened at his touch. He ran along the passage it concealed, and he found a door. He kicked it open, and suddenly, he realized where he was. He was in the summoning room. Fearfully, he stepped in, not knowing what would happen.

The black knight who had been summoning said, "Hey, how did YOU get in he-". Tim had pushed him into the cauldron, and it seemingly ate him. The witch who had been helping said, "Ooh, boy, am I angry. SANDI-AV-" Tim pushed her in too.

"ROAR!" The cauldron seemed to be exploding. It roared and bubbled. It suddenly burst into flames. Tim started running along the hall. he was in the main hall, and he made it out! However-

"Tim, I think that I should teach you a lesson."

A demon was standing behind Tim.

[Harry Delvin]

Chapter 12

Tim was scared. He hadn't counted on this, either. He knew he should've had a plan. "Why," the black knight said, "have you wanted to cause us all this trouble? I, Rob of the Black Knights, vow to kill you as my last deed."

Rob kicked Tim to the ground, and with a gasp of fear, Tim saw that Rob had a God-sword of Zamorak.

"You monster, you have just made the biggest mistake you your life," Tim said, but he was bluffing.

His false threat worked, however, and Rob jumped back, into the fortress, in fear.

And at that moment, the castle blew up.

Tim said, under his breath, "phew."

The war was over.

[Harry Delvin]

Epilogue

Tim lived a long and happy life. He did many dangerous missions over his life, and ended up as an acolyte. He retired at age 87, and died of old age at age one hundred and three. The black knights did not trouble him for the rest of his life. All was well.

The End

[Harry Delvin]

Appendix

Tim: Tim is the main character of the story. In the beginning, he was a lonely noob who was weak, and grows emotionally and physically throughout the story. He represents he who is good and has no bad intentions, otherwise the noble hero.

Temple Knights: These characters represent the law. They show Tim the right things to do and show him what is job is.

Bob and Rob: These characters are the left and right hand men of the antagonist. Their main purpose is to pose a threat to Tim.

The Captain: The captain of the Black Knights represents the criminal. He tries to destroy Runescape, and does not do much that is right or noble. He is also the man conversing with the witch and goblin in the quest "Black Knights Fortress".

Andrina: The witch who summoned the demon is the villain's "trade partner." She had similar interests as the Captain, and helped him with it.

Saradomin: See "Temple Knights".

Thank you for reading "Tim of the Temple Knights".

[Surprise]

My thoughts on the matter. I only covered the first 3 chapters as I began to feel that the same problems were cropping up.

 

 

Overall:

It's not a bad story but could be far better. You need to try and break the monotonous mode of story telling you adopt. It will quickly become a bore for the reader.

Try to vary sentence structure. You seem to stick to basic sentences and don’t expand any further.

Your writing and vocabulary is basic at best; whether this is due to your age or lack of literary experience I’m not sure but try to expand it.

Put the commas down and leave them alone for a bit. You seem to have an addiction to them and thus has led me to give up seeing whether you used them correctly every time.

 

Chapter 1:

Tim ‘moved’ over not ‘started’

“Screamed” – “Bellowed”/”Roar”/ “Yell” or something of that effect. Screamed suggests fear rather than power.

“The woman in the door” – The women standing in the door frame. You don’t stand in a door.

 

Chapter 2:

Commas before an and.

Doesn’t really make sense

 

Chapter 3:

“Incident” – Change to nightmare, incident it was not.

Do you know any words for speech apart from said? It’s starting to bore me seeing said everywhere. E.g. exclaimed, pronounced, stated, ask and questioned all work perfectly well, just change sentence structure up to fit them in correctly.

“commor. then teleport” remove full stop

[Harry Delvin]

The "incident" was him being put mistakenly into the Temple Knights.

You're right about Chapter 2, though. I was trying to think up some kind of idea to advance the story.I also really stopped doing "said" after I got serious in Chapter 4.

In Chapters 2 and 3, I think I could have wrote it better as well. I could have put, instead of "noob", something like, weakling. I also could have deleted that last sentence or two.I needed to hit enter a good few times, as well. It is only my first piece of story-writing. Glad you like it, though. Thanks for your constructive criticism!

[Surprise]

The "incident" was him being put mistakenly into the Temple Knights.

You're right about Chapter 2, though. I was trying to think up some kind of idea to advance the story.I also really stopped doing "said" after I got serious in Chapter 4.

In Chapters 2 and 3, I think I could have wrote it better as well. I could have put, instead of "noob", something like, weakling. I also could have deleted that last sentence or two.I needed to hit enter a good few times, as well. It is only my first piece of story-writing. Glad you like it, though. Thanks for your constructive criticism!

 

For your first peice it's not half bad.

 

If you write more please post it, I'll be happy to read it.