runescape based story

[andufusthebronze]

this is if you have read the other post by me, the introduction of john in the first book. except I have changed some bits to make it runescape related.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter 1: The street urchin

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A small boy lay in the streets of draynor. His purple robes where faded and torn in places. His black hair had long lost itÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ã¢ââ¬Å¾Ã¢s shine, it was matted and coated in mud. His face was covered in scars of war. His eyes slowly opened, and his bright green pupils shone in the reflection of the moonlight. He was quite ugly, his looks had degraded during the time he had been a street urchin. But there was something about his eyes, they made you pity him. He had the shine of innocence in his eyes; well that is what he was told. He picked him self up, and gave a look of disgust as he saw a well dressed banker pass. The boy was tempted to throw something at the banker, but there was nothing to throw. He sighed as he walked down the street. He had considered joining one of the main clans, the H.A.M group in particular. The boy didnÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ã¢ââ¬Å¾Ã¢t approve of the things that the H.A.M believed in, but liked the stylish robes they wore. He knew the location of their hideout, and it wasnÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ã¢ââ¬Å¾Ã¢t hard to break into. But they would spot him once inside; he would stick out like a sore thumb. But then, he had an idea. The boy had a small savings account with a 100 gold in it; he stepped towards the bank, and entered. He waited in line, and when it got to his turn he found himself in a pickle.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ãâ¦Ã¢â¬ÅName?ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬ÃâÃ

[issy2]

except I have changed some bits to make it runescape related.

 

 

 

what do you think? c/c greatly apprieciated

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wow. I thought people liked to become more original when writing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As for the description it's pretty good but you might want to try linking some sentences together, as the many shorter sentences you have now separated by full stops make it feel robotic and it doesn't flow. For instance, in stead of

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A small boy lay in the streets of draynor. His purple robes where faded and torn in places. His black hair had long lost itÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ã¢ââ¬Å¾Ã¢s shine, it was matted and coated in mud. His face was covered in scars of war. His eyes slowly opened, and his bright green pupils shone in the reflection of the moonlight.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

it could be..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A small boy lay in the streets of Draynor, his purple robes faded and torn in places. His black hair had long lost its shine; it was matted and coated in mud. His face was covered in scars of war, but his eyes slowly opened, and his bright green pupils shone in the reflection of the moonlight.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

However in the story you use the word 'shine' about three or four times. Sounds bad, maybe an alternative. Otherwise it's pretty good, but it needs more flow. This is such an easy thing to do - just replace a few full stops with commas and work on your grammar - you'll be surprised at the difference.

[andufusthebronze]

cool thanks issy2, I will work on my flow and replace some things. But Right now I'm playing RuneScape and about being more original after all this is the varrock library - varrock - part of runescape.

[Joordaan]

It's good, but I REALLY don't like the part where he says 'My mother left me with this ACCOUNT before she died'.

[andufusthebronze]

what shall i change to?

[issy2]

what shall i change to?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Um. My mother taught me all her skills before she died? She left me all her money and equipment? I dunno.