issy2 Posted January 6, 2007 Share Posted January 6, 2007 Edited Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
andufusthebronze Posted January 7, 2007 Share Posted January 7, 2007 weren't the second and third stanza's what you put as what you where most proud of? it's really good Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
issy2 Posted January 7, 2007 Author Share Posted January 7, 2007 weren't the second and third stanza's what you put as what you where most proud of? it's really good No they were the first and second :) Thanks alot I might do some more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeeLee Posted January 7, 2007 Share Posted January 7, 2007 You know i love this!!!!!! :thumbsup: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archimage_a Posted January 7, 2007 Share Posted January 7, 2007 I really didn't like it, especially after it crashed my computer. There was little use of commas and they were incorrectly placed. The poems rhyme pattern was warped at best, in other words it was forced.... The poem seemed more to have been thrown toghter rather than thought out and planned. http://www.uzzisoft..../archimage.jpegWell I knew you wouldn't agree. I know how you hate facing facts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LeeLee Posted January 7, 2007 Share Posted January 7, 2007 The poem seemed more to have been thrown toghter rather than thought out and planned. Whats wrong with that??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archimage_a Posted January 7, 2007 Share Posted January 7, 2007 There was no real point to it... just a random collection of phrases To quote issy... It was like a river, it meyandered back and forth but thats all.,,, http://www.uzzisoft..../archimage.jpegWell I knew you wouldn't agree. I know how you hate facing facts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
issy2 Posted January 7, 2007 Author Share Posted January 7, 2007 There was no real point to it... just a random collection of phrases To quote issy... It was like a river, it meyandered back and forth but thats all.,,, I think you have this idea that everything has to be really epic and come to some grand elaborate conclusion. I like to write about really small things - for instance the twitch of someone's eye when they're trying not to laugh, and how people tend to shake their headfrom side to side when they're crying, or sigh when they get into bed at night. It's a short, simple, hopefully fun poem about somone who falls asleep. I'm sorry you didn't enjoy it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archimage_a Posted January 7, 2007 Share Posted January 7, 2007 Right...the poem didnt convey that. It conveyed 3 random events... Which had not alot to do with anything. No not everything has to be epic, it has to be sensical...that wasn't. The whole thing just felt like you couldn't be bothered to make it into a major poem, you just went...hmm that rhymes now to build a poem around that. Rhymes are there to emphasises not to build on... http://www.uzzisoft..../archimage.jpegWell I knew you wouldn't agree. I know how you hate facing facts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
warri0r45 Posted January 8, 2007 Share Posted January 8, 2007 Thats nice. Although I dont know much about poetry nor have I come across a piece of poetry that really moves me, any suggested authors? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
issy2 Posted January 8, 2007 Author Share Posted January 8, 2007 Thats nice. Although I dont know much about poetry nor have I come across a piece of poetry that really moves me, any suggested authors? On TIF? I would say FuBai, LeeLee, Necromagus. If you mean irl, Nicola (ARGH I FORGOT HER NAME!!!! IT WILL COME TO ME...) her name's... Nicola...Nicole....grr can't remember..I'll tell you when I remember. Um, Brian Jacques, Andy McNab, ANTHONY HOROWITZ, Marcus Sedgewick. All fantastic authors! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FuBai Posted January 8, 2007 Share Posted January 8, 2007 Changed my mind. Please ignore. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archimage_a Posted January 8, 2007 Share Posted January 8, 2007 Twitch of mouth and blink of eye Love of smile oh-so-wide So different from the usual sigh, Abandon smile? Never bide! Ok so you are smiling... and you usually just *sigh*. Well ok, I don't normally do either. I normally just go lay down on my bed and then spend about two hours trying to get to sleep. So this seems completely random in relation to the last verse. Crawl you hands, shudder face, Grief of tears denouncing cheeks To chin they will decline to race But trickle mournfully, from saddened leaks. So you are crying... and what? You are sad about something. It looks pretty random being the last verse was about smiling. Ummm when I cry(Not that often but sometimes) I usually just curl into a ball or just watch the tears in the mirror. There is not any face shuddering or hand crawling. Shiver tummy tickle feet Tingled breath, can't catch the beat, Flicker blink, dance in heat, Till head and pillow gladly meet.... Really needed commas. So you are....What? You have a shivering tummy, perhaps you are cold? or maybe not feeling too well, pretty random. You have ticklish feet, well ok something I sometimes get in bed, but still pretty random. Tingled breath is completely random, you might say that if you had a cough and were talking and it made your throut feel funny... Can't catch the beat...what beat what are you talking about? There doesn's seem to be any pattern at all. Flickering blink, ok you have something in your eye and are trying to get rid of it....maybe relates to the beat... Dance in the heat, ok so you are trying to sleep, and dancing...pretty random, or maybe a fever? Still random. Till head and pillow gladly meet... Ok then so you are going to bed...without any relation to anything else this seems as random as anything else. ZzZZZZZZzzzzz Just pretty much makes the sleep idea the most prominate idea... By the way ummm poets....ummm This is were reading it would be helpful. Anything really, all of it has something good and something bad, poets are humans, they are allowed off days... http://www.uzzisoft..../archimage.jpegWell I knew you wouldn't agree. I know how you hate facing facts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
issy2 Posted January 8, 2007 Author Share Posted January 8, 2007 Twitch of mouth and blink of eye Love of smile oh-so-wide So different from the usual sigh, Abandon smile? Never bide! Ok so you are smiling... and you usually just *sigh*. Well ok, I don't normally do either. I normally just go lay down on my bed and then spend about two hours trying to get to sleep. So this seems completely random in relation to the last verse. Crawl you hands, shudder face, Grief of tears denouncing cheeks To chin they will decline to race But trickle mournfully, from saddened leaks. So you are crying... and what? You are sad about something. It looks pretty random being the last verse was about smiling. Ummm when I cry(Not that often but sometimes) I usually just curl into a ball or just watch the tears in the mirror. There is not any face shuddering or hand crawling. Shiver tummy tickle feet Tingled breath, can't catch the beat, Flicker blink, dance in heat, Till head and pillow gladly meet.... Really needed commas. So you are....What? You have a shivering tummy, perhaps you are cold? or maybe not feeling too well, pretty random. You have ticklish feet, well ok something I sometimes get in bed, but still pretty random. Tingled breath is completely random, you might say that if you had a cough and were talking and it made your throut feel funny... Can't catch the beat...what beat what are you talking about? There doesn's seem to be any pattern at all. Flickering blink, ok you have something in your eye and are trying to get rid of it....maybe relates to the beat... Dance in the heat, ok so you are trying to sleep, and dancing...pretty random, or maybe a fever? Still random. Till head and pillow gladly meet... Ok then so you are going to bed...without any relation to anything else this seems as random as anything else. ZzZZZZZZzzzzz Just pretty much makes the sleep idea the most prominate idea... Well the poem is about different emotions, or, more accurately, what physically happens to you during them. The last verse only is about falling asleep - I figured it might be a fun, suitable end to the poem. And thanks for the comments but I think some of them are a bit silly. Like ' Till head and pillow gladly meet... Ok then so you are going to bed...without any relation to anything else this seems as random as anything else. is not random. I mean doesn't your head it your pillow when you lie down? Yes. So how is it random? I don't get it. But thanks anyway. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archimage_a Posted January 8, 2007 Share Posted January 8, 2007 It doesn't connect with anything else...You said that I expect some epic thing. I don't I expect something liner(SP) something straight forwards that does exactly what it is supposed to. You want to write a poem about different emotions thats fine but it needs to say 'these are my emotions, take them for what they are' not 'ok well ummm this is a poem, read it' http://www.uzzisoft..../archimage.jpegWell I knew you wouldn't agree. I know how you hate facing facts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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