As a resident of Vancouver, I was quite excited to read this release. I'm glad to see they're adding some genuinely Vancouver touches to the 2010 Olympic Games. PRESS RELEASE Tentative Program for the 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympics The Opening Ceremony will feature a re-enactment of the history of the government of British Columbia, performed by a professional clown troupe and a used car salesman. A flock of peace doves will then be released to celebrate Canada's freedoms. The doves will be available in local Chinese dining establishments shortly after the ceremony. Next will be an exciting display of synchronized SUV parking. The SUVs will then be stolen. This will be followed by a large variety of performances celebrating the diversity of Canada's culture. Riot police will be in attendance to keep the performers apart. There will be no original music, dance, visual art or anything else remotely artsy-fartsy about the opening and closing ceremonies as the Fraser Institute has determined that there are no corporate benefits to such pansy things. A separate, simultaneous Opening Ceremony will be held in French. This event will be lavishly funded by the federal government and will receive extensive coverage on CBC. It is expected to have a total of 7 attendees. Biathlon Venue: Gastown Description: Competitors must shoot as many spectators as possible within the permitted time. Fencing Venue: Surrey Description: Matches will be between national teams of 6 or more individuals, each issued with a combination of machetes, knives and lengths of steel pipe. Points will be awarded for the most creative ethnic slurs. 100m Hurdles Venue: Commercial Drive Description: Competitors must complete the race while carrying a DVD player and a 32" television. The competitors are free to perform the event as many times as they wish. The original plans to include a police dog chasing the competitors were dropped due to concerns about the lack of realism. Vancouver Modern Pentathlon Venue: Downtown Eastside Description: The event has been amended to include Panhandling, Squeegeeing, Beer Bottle Collecting, Shopping Cart Racing and Cardboard Shelter Building. All events are to be performed while under the influence of crystal meth. Volleyball Venue: Kitsilano Description: Competitors will be judged by the quality of their physical appearance and the brands of clothes they are wearing. Additional points will be added for their skill in selecting the most appropriate wine to accompany dishes consisting of organic pesticide-free artichoke hearts, imported aged goat cheese, and raw seaweed. Freestyle Gymnastics Venue: Kingsway at Joyce St, (1 am) Description: The events will be performed in the back seat of a Honda Civic. The competitor who earns the most wins. Bobsled Venue: None Description: This event has been canceled because the provincial government has deemed bobsleds to be vehicles and none of the competitors were able to afford the compulsory ICBC insurance premiums. Police are issuing tickets to all Bobsledders for being too low to the ground. Obstacle Course Venue: West Vancouver The contestants, mounted on Harleys, will race up and down the winding, excessively steep, fog-shrouded Eagleridge diversion of the Sea to Sky Highway, especially constructed for the 2010 Games. Patches of black ice will add drama to the competition and bonus points will be awarded for squished red-legged frogs. Since the frogs are rare and endangered, they will be augmented by featherless bald eagle carcasses donated by the Squamish Band Council. Double bonus points for picking off any West Van NIMBYs, the silver spoon in mouth, Jaguar-driving snivellers who were more than happy to clear-cut the entire Caulfield plateau to improve the views from their million-dollar homes, but don't want an expanded highway nearby. Closing Ceremony The closing ceremony will begin with a fly-over of the entire Canadian Forces helicopter fleet. Please stay well clear of the aircraft's flight path. In an exciting event without precedent, the ceremony will feature the athletes being evicted from the Athlete's Village, an illegal squat in Stanley Park. The ceremony will then conclude with a gay Mardi Gras parade down Davie St. The B.C. government will invoke legislation for mandatory attendance, additional gas tax indexed to inflation and a 2010 surcharge of 7% calculated on family income when the 2010 Olympics occurs - payable in advance. Discuss.