blaah

[hide=This one's a page stretcher]I saw Cyndi last night (and most of today) but just for a little while. I went home to make dinner, didn't know when I'd be leaving, didn't know if I'd see her again before then. Well, when Cyndi bluntly stated (texted) that she won't be seeing me next weekend because her boyfriend is coming home, I was upset, of course. That reality was harder to face each time I faced it, and I had hope until that moment. I'd only told her I was coming home October 2nd and been looking forward to seeing her since that night. Her reasoning for going to see Jerad (or so she told me, obviously it was that she'd rather see him) was that I'd be home next weekend. It's completely unfair and stupid, and she's insanely lucky that I love her unconditionally; there's a short list of people I feel that way about, and I doubt she completely understands that since I haven't yet expressed to her how upset she's made me over time. As I was laying in bed pathetically crying about that, I thought of how badly I didn't want to come back here (my dorm). I really enjoyed my time at home. I liked being around the house, I liked having pets, I liked not having any responsibilities, and I liked having people I could talk to in other rooms or just next door. I missed the neighborhood and I missed my house. I didn't realize it until I was close to leaving. I feel so isolated here sometimes. I like being alone; I spend a lot of time alone at home, too, but I at least hear my family moving around or have my pets to keep me company. If I could have a cat here, I swear, so many problems would go away. I feel like a burden when I have to eat with Jessie and Seth because I have nobody else to eat with. I feel like they only spend so much time around me because they feel sorry for me. I feel invasive on their relationship, when really, they both like hanging out with me and their relationship is functional enough that they don't have to be alone together all the time. I also did a lot of reflection on why I was home this weekend. Both my closest friends were over 4 hours away with their boyfriends and their boyfriends' families, while I went home on a weekend when my mom had to work 20 hours in two days. I went home because I felt too insecure to be without any of my "anchors". When I was at home, I couldn't even talk to any of them (while mom was working) because I was at a lower level of importance than any of the things they had going on. I didn't feel good about it. Basically, the Cyndi thing triggered it, but everything that's been bothering me lately piled up and I cried it out and talked to my mom about it for a good 45 minutes or so. Once I was mostly calm, mom was talking to me about solutions and we decided that it's best that I seek a counselor here, since they've probably dealt with tons of people with similar problems. I don't honestly know what I want, and I don't feel completely confident that anyone can help me figure it out, but it's worth a shot. I have to look into that Wednesday afternoon. Today was much better though; I woke up, kept my stuff piled neatly, and ended up hanging out with Cyndi for 9 hours. That girl doesn't know. I don't know how to talk to her. I'm going to spill everything to Jessie tomorrow morning because she's a more understanding person, but I need to find a way to talk to Cyndi. When I was talking about how bad I've felt lately, she zoned it out. She doesn't understand other peoples' emotions, so I don't know how to deal. We had one heart-to-heart once, and it's one of my fondest memories with her. I don't have the document, but I did my personal narrative on that last year. It's a really good reflection of my mentality at that time, and I can see the things I wrote out of anger because, when I edited it, I had recently fought with her. The problem is, that conversation happened almost two years ago, over the greatest winter break of my life, all due to her. So much has changed since then, much of it due to her current boyfriend. That's wrong, but that's reality right now. Today was still good though; it was pretty normal for us, babysitting her little brother, eating two fast food meals, doing random art (it's neighbor Josh's 21st birthday in about 20 minutes), calling burps, and singing obnoxiously in the car. I just hate that I don't have the balls to say anything and I crave normalcy so much that I don't confront my issues with her.[/hide]

I had a lot of pages to read, sorry. So I had a mental breakdown last night so supper got put off and mom didn't feel like returning me to my dorm so I stayed home. Gotta see if professor will let me take exam from today without going through much red tape

I'm still at homeeeeeeeee

So, I'm not going back until tomorrow. Might not go back until tomorrow night, depending on my Spanish professor's response to my "family emergency".

I'm not getting out of bed! I'm going to be my old self, spending as much time in my room as possible. This is what I did the summer my mom sent me to a counselor, who determined I wasn't depressed, I just liked being alone and didn't eat much. I don't know what I am. It's not even winter yet and it's apparently 70 outside, can't blame it on seasonal depression. I can't blame it on school. I shouldn't stress about anything that isn't under my control. I DON'T KNOW

Oh right, I should grab my coat and gloves to bring back with me. I just don't feel like moving.

I don't want to be

As I was scanning I saw "fluffy" and got really confused.

Well my laptop is dying, I should go to bed anyway I guess. Night

Earlier Boo Boo was laying on me and wouldn't get off when I wanted to get up

every time I touch him he starts purring

It's so nice having the kitty sleep with me.

Carlos is drooling in his sleep

I'm too insecure. It's weird asking her to make time for me because the time I used to have with her was all her time when she had nothing else important going on. By default, I was the least important way to spend time because I was always there. It's an adjustment to have to ask for her time, because before, it was given/taken. It feels wrong to ask her to make time for me. I guess if the boyfriend is gonna be home next weekend she'll have to tell me and say something, I'll just see where that goes. It could lead to arranging an alternative. Also, after she came that one random night, she pointed out that she can do that whenever - since it's only an hour distance, it's not a big deal. I don't know. I don't know why I'm still up.

She's completely taking advantage of me for being a friend and loving her unconditionally, I know. But lately it hasn't been about the choice. I mean, yeah, this weekend she went to see him over me, but she said that was because she wouldn't see him the weekend before and she'd see me the weekend after, which now that situation is blown up and ruined. I don't know what evidence I have. I have no logical argument that hasn't expired due to time.

She was given one reality check in August for saying those horrible things about me not meaning anything because she had him. My mom, the neighbor, and her aunt are among the people who talked to her about it. Since then, she hasn't wronged me in that way, so if I complain now, she'll probably see it as whining for no reason and pointless jealousy. Want to know the truth? I am jealous of everyone who has a boyfriend/girlfriend who puts them above everyone else. That's not reality, but reality isn't doing me good right now anyway. If I had the social skills and self confidence, I'd go out and get one of those boyfriends. Someone to tell me they loved me, someone to put my interests first, someone I could depend on. Someone who wouldn't make me cry all the time. Someone who I could talk to about everything, including the things other people do to me that hurt me; lately, I've realized that Jessie does a lot of the things Cyndi does. She handles herself a lot better, but I think part of it is that her actions bother me a lot less: I've never been as close to her or any other person as I have been to Cyndi. And part of it is that she can hang out with me AND her boyfriend at the same time. I just don't think it'll help at this point. If she expresses any sort of concern for my feelings, I'll tell her the truth; but until then, this is my problem, not hers. Lately, I've been thinking a lot about if they break up. She's ruined a lot of things since she's been with him that she won't be able to get back. She works for his parents, and she's going to quit her other job and work ONLY for his parents. I don't know for sure if she'll immediately come to me and want my support or if she'll isolate herself further since he'll probably throw in some bull about how I have something to do with it. I don't know. I don't think he thinks anything of me anymore - hopefully he's let it go, since look, she picks him - but still. I'm pathetic for caring so much. I'm broken. I don't have enough people in my life, but I hate filling in spaces with names and faces. I have a hard time getting to be "friend" status with anyone, and it'd be really rough to get someone to the dependable stage. I don't have it in me. I hate this, freaking out over all my problems when I should be asleep.

I can't have that conversation with her over text. Besides, I can lose her if I do it. I'm barely worth keeping around after the drama with her boyfriend over time, if I become even needier then what's the point?

I don't like change. I'm afraid of change. I was gonna go to bed at like, whenever I posted last, but I can't. I stress myself out before bed. I wrote in my ipod diary dealy, which I haven't done since July, which means I've missed major things. It's not just a diary, it's a Dear Cyndi. It's a secret. I tried to tell her I had it when I made it July 2010 after our first major meltdown but I haven't said much since the few days after that. Basically, it summarizes our lows and the things she's done that have hurt me or that I've disagreed with. It's messed up.

Carlos came from upstairs to lay with me because he loooooooves me. Haven't done photoshoot yet. I smell like cigarette smoke WOOO

Hmm. Tomorrow I have to take a bath, look up some job stuff for my mom, finish laundry, and be ready to go back to 'nona for four days. [hide]Tonight, went offroading briefly with Josh while he talked on the phone with my brother's friends. Being in Josh's truck makes me miss everyone getting along. There's no reason one person/one relationship should make everything so messy and prevent others from maintaining the balance they'd had for years. One of the best nights of the summer was when we went on a forever long drive (me, Cyndi, Josh) all over the place. We started out by going off roading in the place we went tonight. Not too extreme since Josh's truck always has issues. After we drove around a bit and noticed a funny noise, we stopped in a parking lot to figure out if something was stuck somewhere (eventually, Josh found a twig weeks later). We then went up a highway and turned onto a random dirt county road. Windows down, country smell, clear sky night. The whole time, we were all talking about where we'd like to live and the things we like about being out of town. After a few random turns, we found our way back to a highway we knew and then drove in some huge loop to end up at a park/zoo (just the road leading to it). The whole drive, we were obnoxiously singing and everyone was happy and comfortable being together. When we stopped, we sat on top of the truck and threw change into the creek. I don't remember whose idea it was but someone pulled corn stalks and we were throwing those in too. We were easily amused. After that, we drove through the town near there, stopped at Kwik Trip for their stupid energy drinks (when Josh would buy stuff for Cyndi) and drove back. At this point, Cyndi was half asleep, but she was listening to us (or so she says). We then went to McDonald's, Josh bought us food, and we went back to the neighborhood to sit in the street. We ate, left one of the wrappers out somehow, and I stayed at Cyndi's. The drive had been over two hours and we'd been outside an hour or two before it and about an hour after. I miss when everyone could get along, when your feelings for one person didn't dictate your feelings toward anyone else. I miss when people would make simple decisions. I wish people would be civilized and not act like little kids. I hate how immature the relationships I'm exposed to are. All of them have people giving up multiple friends from over the years for one person. Yeah, I've left people behind and I have no relationships to blame it on, but it's not the same when you isolate yourself to be with that one person or that one person is extremely jealous of everyone else you spend any time with. It's stupid. I hope someone will be real with me and tell me when they're disappointed in me for how I change myself for someone else, if I do so. I hope I can be myself though. [/hide]

You on any medication? Yeah, but it doesn't really do anything. I'll try to ask my shrink for an uppage in dosage the next time I see him. Could be the medication running out. After a certain amount of time, the medicine leaves your body, thus the effects you get are reduced/removed. Well, shit. I had no idea. Seriously. Is there any kind of medication you only take once? The morning after pill. Or, well, only once at a time, but that's the same for vaccines if you're including boosters

Well, guess I didn't miss any P7K

If I'm around later tonight, I'm definitely posting cats around P7K if that happens. Cats. The only alternative would be ponies, but I'm a girl and not impressed by ponies. For now...

We need a new thread title

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