This epic series is based on a game called Fable, don't tell me that i copied it. I will only use some ideas from it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Part 1: Massacre

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There once was a boy who lived in the village of Lumbridge. He was a dreamer and he often drifted off while he worked in the feilds. This got him alot of spankings. He couldn't help his dreamer habit though, he dreamt about many things, one of which was his future. In some dreams he saw himself as a brave and noble knight who helped the poor and less fortunate, in other dreams he dreamt of himself as an evil warlock who killed all in his path. One day he was feeding the chickens when he got tired and started daydreaming. He saw a horrible raid on Lumbridge by undead minions, corpses littered the streets and the houses were set ablaze. He suddenly awoke with a jolt as he remembered that it was his sister, Theresa's, birthday. He quickly scambled across the feild, around the old oak tree, and to his room. There he looked for his precious life-savings with which he will buy a present for Theresa. He found it jammed underneath a loose floorboard in his room. He quickly ran to the general store near the castle and bought some chocolates for his sister. He searched for her all over the house where she was supposed to be doing chores and weaving clothes. He saw his parents near the chicken coop so he asked them where Theresa was. They told him she was out playing in the feilds with her friends. So the boy went to the big oak tree in the feilds and found his sister along with a group of girls. "Well if it isn't Theresa's little brother" one of them said. He quickly went to his sister, gave her the chocolates, and wished her a happy birthday. Then he went to the bridge where he skipped stones across the water. All was peacefull until... the town bell rang! It rang once, twice, three times! That meant that danger was coming. He was terrified of what dangers that approached Lumbridge so he ran to the oak tree to tell his sister but she was nowhere to be found. He was so terrified that he climbed up the tree and hid in the branches. Then he heard a loud explosion from the town gates! Daringly, he peered out of the tree and he smelt the reeking odor of corpses. Then suddenly a flaming arrow struck a running trader! The undead had arrived! They were ugly and horribly disfigured with rotting arms and blood-stained shirts! The boy saw that among their ranks was a man. A man dressed in blood-red robes brandishing a long flamberge at the citizens. It was chaos, people ran but it was no use, the undead killed every single person they saw. Then a few hours later it was all quiet except for the crackling of the flames that covered all the houses. The boy climbed down and ran to his house, instantly tears welled up in his eyes because it too was on fire. He couldn't think so he foolishly went into the burning house. There, on the ground, was the body of his father. Who was stabbed brutally in the chest. They boy knelt down and hot tears streamed down the side of his cheeks. Then out of nowhere an undead minion ran at him, brandishing its steel whip. The boy feared that he would die too and join the rest of Lumbridge in death. Then a bright light appeared out of nowhere and it split the undead minion in half! A man dressed in heavy plate armor stood where the light was. He said, "If you want to live, take my hand." The boy reached out and grabbed the man's hand and there was a bright flash of light. The boy had teleported else where.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Part 2: Of Training and The Guilds

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The boy was thrust into a portal where he whirled around, he saw places he was familiar with but they quickly passed by as he zoomed through the portal. When the portal ended the boy was in front of a huge building with a strange insignia of two crossed swords and one star in the middle. The man appeared at his side moments later. "My name is Maze, and this is the Champion's Guild, the first guild in a line of other guilds," he said. "I only saved you because i see great potential in you. In this guild you will be training to acheive the title of Champion, now tell me, what is your name?" He said. The boy replied," Axel, but why me? You said I have great potential but I have no more standing than the poorest of farmers."

 

 

 

"Axel, it doesn't matter if you're wealthy or poor, you have the potential to be the greatest Champion ever, but it will all mean nothing if you don't believe in yourself." Maze said. He then took Axel through the path and into the Champion's Guild. When Axel entered, he saw an old man standing next to a large map of the world. "Hello Maze," the man said," I see you've brought a new student to the Guild, what is your name young one?" Axel replied," My name is Axel." "So Axel is your name, this is the Guild as I'm sure you know, here we train people to become Champions, there are other guilds such as the Heroes Guild and the Legends Guild. But you may not go to them until you have acheived the rank of Champion. We have training grounds, our own woods with a stream through it, and you may call me Guildmaster." he said. He then led Axel away from Maze and upstairs where he saw a girl no older than him. "Hello," she said, "You must be a new student, my name is Rose, wait what's the matter you look like you've seen the reaper!" she said. Axel was still severly shaken from is experiences the past day. He appreciated Rose's concern for him but he couldn't say anything and he passed out.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When he awoke it was morning and he laid in a comfortable 4-poster bed. Rose was at a desk across from his bed reading a book. "Oh, I see you've woken up," she said, "Maze told me about what happened at Lumbridge, that sounded horrrible, I'm suprised that you're not going insane from that tragedy!" "Well it's time for breakfast so follow me and I'll take you to the dining room." Axel followed Rose downstairs and through a couple of hallways, then he arrived in a room with a huge table set with enough food to feed an earth troll! Rose led him to a seat near the middle and sat down next to him. Suddenly ravenous, he reached for all the food he could reach! "Don't over eat," said Rose warningly," You have training later and the last thing you want is a stomachache!" "Oh, thanks for the warning Rose!" Axel said. "No problem, I just don't want you to end up like me on my first day!" laughed Rose. When he finished eating Rose led him out of the building to a huge training ground full of people training! He followed Rose to the Guildmaster. "I see you've woken up," he said, " Now, Axel time to see what you've got!" He pointed to an enclosed space with a straw dummy in the middle. "Go in there and hit that dummy as hard as you can six times!" Axel ran there and smacked the dummy as hard as he could six times. "You won't do much damage with your hand Axel, come over here and I'll give you a weapon." Axel ran back to the Guildmaster. "Now go to the armory next to the plateau and select one weapon from there, Rose, please lead Axel to the armory." Axel followed Rose to the armory a few paces away. There he saw many weapons of varying shapes and sizes, there were swords, maces, axes, spears, tridents, whips, daggers, flails, staves, and even a pitchfork. The weapon that caught his eye was a blood-red sword stuck in a stone with the guild insignia engraved on it. "What is that sword?" Axel asked Rose. "That is the Solus Greatsword, it is a weapon made centuries ago by a master smith named Galnoth, he made it specially for Sir Evvo the Knight out of demon bones and enchanted it with a special stone called the Power of Fire and that over all made it unstoppable, Sir Evvo was killed in this very room by a demon by the name of Thorn, before his death Sir Evvo grabbed his sword and stabbed it into this slab, he died right afterwards, I woudn't try to pull it out if I were you though, it is stuck there tightly." Rose replied. Even though Rose said not to try and pull the sword out he did. Suddenly, a blinding light filled the room and the stone slab shattered, leaving the sword in Axel's hand. "Oh my gosh!" yelled Rose, "You've pulled out Solus!" She then ran out of the armory. A few minutes later she and Guildmaster burst in to find that Axel still had the sword in his hand, marvelling its greatness. "I can't beleive it... You've pulled out the sword, but only a descendant of Evvo could've...." The Guildmaster paused, shocked. "You are Evvo's descendant!" He cried! Then he calmed down a bit. "Well since you've made your choice, lets proceed to your training," he said shakily. Axel then followed Guildmaster and Rose out of the armory and to the enclosed training feild. "Now hit that dummy with your sword," said Guildmaster. Axel unsheathed Solus and swung it with all his might at the dummy. Then a shock wave filled the air and the dummy (along with all the trees behind it) was literally blown to bits! Axel was amazed at the strength of his sword, Guildmaster however didn't seem suprised. Axel spent years training in the Champion's Guild and finally, when he was eighteen years old, he and Rose were ready to receive the title of Champion.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Part 3:Graduation

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The day finally came! He and Rose would finally receive the title of Champion! Axel woke up at the crack of dawn, got dressed and went down to eat breakfast. He found Rose sitting in her regular spot, and he went to sit next to her. "Hi Rose! Are you ready for the graduation ceremony?" he asked. "Yep, I've been waiting for so long to become a champion, and by the way, I have something to ask you," She said. "What?" Axel replied. "Well, umm... When we become Champions, would you like to travel together?" Axel replied, "Of course!" Rose looked happy and began eating some eggs and bacon. When it was noon, the graduation ceremony took place. Axel and Rose went to the Chamber of Fate to receive the title of Champion. " Apprentices, Axel and Rose, you have worked hard for many years towards this day, now your efforts will pay off! You are ready to receive the title of Champion!" said Guildmaster. "Here are your Guild Seals, with which you can teleport anyplace at anytime, you've earnt them!" Guildmaster handed Axel and Rose two seals with the insignia of the guild engraved upon it. When the ceremony was over, Axel and Rose went to the main room to talk with the Guildmaster. "You two have certainly grown, why I remember when you where kids!," Guildmaster said, "But now you are Champions! Here is a little gift from the Guild to recognize your sucess." He handed Axel and Rose two bags full of supplies and it each contained five thousand gold! "You can come back to the guild anytime you want, if it is to train your abilities or to simply visit the place you grew up in, you will always be welcome here!" With that last word Axel and Rose opened the gates and departed into the world.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Part 4: Getting the Armor

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Axel and Rose were now Champions, they set off to a nearby town called Varrock. "Axel, now that we're Champions what would you like to do?" Rose asked. "Well I would like to go around and help people for awhile." Axel replied, "And perhaps kill some demons." he added jokingly. "Well, we have five thousand gold each, we should go and buy some armor." Rose said. They went through the winding streets of Varrock until they found an Armor Shop. Rose found what she wanted right away, ivory armor that was made esecially for females, and it only cost 700 gold! Axel browsed through the shop and asked, "Do you have any dragonskin armor?" The shopkeeper replied, "Yes but it is quite expensive, 2000 gold and no less!" "Oh, I'm afraid I can't buy that then, I'll just buy this set of Mithril Chainmail. The set included, one mithril chainmail body and mithril chainmail pants all for 900 gold. "Since you look like a nice person, I'll throw in this mithril kitesheild and blue dragonskin cape for no extra cost! Just as long as you do me one little favor, go and kill the theives. Their hideout should be in a shack near the outskirts of town." "Okay, I will go kill them and I shall bring back a vial of their blood as proof, Rose please wait in the tavern for me, this shouldn't take long." Axel said. He then departed to the outskirts of Varrock. He searched for a shack of some sort. Then he heard talking, "So do you think we should loot the armor shop tonight or tomorrow night?" "We'll rob it tonight!" a second voice said. "Al'ite you's the boss," said a drawlling voice. Then Axel lept out of his hiding spot to confront the bushes! "E'll whot do we 'ave 'ere? One o' those Champions from tat pesky Guild!" said a strong looking theif. "Go kill 'em boys!" Then about twelve theives appeared out of nowhere and charged at Axel, daggers in hand. Axel drew Solus from its sheathe, he had learnt to control it better to that it won't make shock waves every time he swung it. He charged at the theives and he swung Solus, weaving a web of pure death around the theives. The theives were quickly killed, leaving their leader alone in the middle of his slayed men. Axel charged and struck like a cobra, stabbing the leader in the chest. "Why did you kill usssssssssssss....." That was the leaders's last words. Axel quickly filled a vial with his blood and set back towards the city. He first headed to the Armor Shop where the delighted shop keeper awarded him with the sheild, cape, and an additional ten thousand gold! Then Axel went to the tavern, he found Rose eating dinner at a nearby table. "What took you so long?" She asked, "And by the way, nice armor!" "Thanks," Axel replied, "And I had to search for hours to find the theive's hideout so that's why it took me so long." "That is no excuse!" Rose yelled, "You had me worried sick that the theives killed you!" "Sorry" Axel said. Then he went upstairs to rent a room to stay in for the night.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Part 1/2 of 5: The Wilderness: Information and a Random Encounter.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Axel awoke the following morning. He found Rose polishing her adamant longsword on the other bed. "Good morning Axel," said Rose, "I've been up for awhile now and I've heard some things in town." she paused, "There is a place, far to the north, called the Wilderness, there are supposed to be strong beasts and strange spirits there, anyways, you wanna go?" "Sounds like an adventure, I'm in!" he replied happily. "Ok then get dressed, but wait I don't wanna see you in your underwear so I'll go and ask around about the Wilderness." said Rose. She then left through the door and Axel heard her go downstairs. He then washed his face in the washtub and put on his armor and sword. His mithril armor and dragonskin cape made him look like a mighty warrior who had seen the face of the King Black Dragon and lived. He went downstairs to the tavern, but he couldn't find Rose in there. Well, she must be in town asking questions about the Wilderness. Axel then had a small breakfast of ale and bacon. After he was done eating, he went into town to try and find Rose. He found her talking to a man who looked like a fellow Champion. "Hello Axel, this is Talgar, he graduated from the Guild a few years before we did, and he knows about the Wilderness." said Rose. "Well Axel, the Wilderness is a strange place where an evil god named Zamorak rules, he has filled it with strange beasts and he has put one of the most powerful, evil, and loyal three headed dragon of his deep in it, the dragon is called King Black Dragon, or KBD for short, it is rumored that it guards the entrance to Zamorak's realm, but getting to its lair is no easy matter, there are bandits, theives, rouges, undead, giants, and other dragons in between all that space you have to travel to get to its lair, even if you manage to get there, killing it is not some walk in the park, no one has ever been able to get there except Maze, but he ended up running out of its lair for his life!" said Talgar. Whoa, even Maze, who was supposed to be the strongest Champion ever couldn't defeat it. thought Axel. Talgar then set their Guild Seals to be able to teleport to the edge of the Wilderness, then he walked off.

The pace needs a lot of work...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Suspension of disbelief is very shaky. One moment he's in the fields, and then suddenly he's on the street to watch someone run through the town gate? He's a farm boy - why wasn't he out working at the crack of dawn? Why is his sister playing in the fields instead of helping her mother do chores? There's always work to be done at a farm, and no time to waste.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I find it hard to see the undead as menacing at all. You only give vague descriptions of what is happening, and don't convey any sort of mood. The plot so far is also rather clicḫ̩̉̉, what with the "boy loses parents and gets mentored by a great warrior" schtick.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

There just isn't enough description to engage the reader, and you fail to use paragraphs to separate different ideas and dialogue. Work on that, and try to make it more believable.

Yeah... I'm bit of confused as well. You are moving things to fast and withouth enough detail, his dad dies and he is teleported to the warriors guild all at the same time as his sister birthday? And how would he lose his mother and sister. It seemed like he was gone in one second and back in another. I mean yeah, you probably wanna keep things short and sweet. Cause long stories can bore the reader, but even this seems like an elementary written story. And zombies and skeletons shooting arrows, thats sort of new. Sorry, you can review my story and say whatever you want about em. But keep this in consideration and make it better. Thats what I am trying to do. You can always fix stories and turn them into something great.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One last thing. How'd the dad die. I mean the undone were coming from the town, while the farms gotta be and few hudred feet away. Just doesn't make sense, you know. Why don't you read it aloud, to someone and see if makes sense to the both of you.

ya ur rite im gonna edit it

Wow, much better if I say so myself. I like it. =D>

lol it should be better cause this time i actually took over 5 minutes. :lol:

The ending is creative, but I felt that the beginning was a little too close to the storyline of Fable. Thank you for mentioning that it was based on Fable though, and I will look for more additions.