So Hylean is like Rinkshank now??!! :shock: Creepy.. almost a bit like Voldemort..*shudders*

 

 

 

And a myserious 'evil force' :ohnoes:

No grammatical corrections? Hallelujah!

 

 

 

Thanks... This guy is gonna be crazy, like, try to influence him. But Hylean has to be good by the end of 7 years, not to mention fall in love... So, we'll see how it goes (not even I know!)

Fall in love!?

 

Ooh, I can't wait! This story has everything-action, adventure, and a insanely evil villain(and maybe a little romance too?)! Yes, I thought your grammar had significantly improved :

Chapter 7: Running, the First Betrayal

 

 

 

The Seer of Camelot, focused all his power and looked to the future. He could not see anything definite, but he could hear words.

 

 

 

"There he is! The betrayer! Kill him! The betrayer to both sides! Attack!" He tore himself away; he could tell it involved a lot of killing, as well as great sadness for several people who knew him. Even he would have to make some kind of sacrifice.

 

 

 

He let himself drift off, then awoke with a great start. Hylean was drawing great amounts of power, then before the Seer could tell what had happened, the feeling passed. It must have just been his awakening, he would be quieter later. He would check up on him in a week or two, just to make sure everything was working straight.

 

 

 

-Falador-

 

 

 

The guard was pushing at the door; they wanted Hylean for double homicide, the most foul murders of Edgar Bret and Dalia Laida.

 

 

 

"Hold on! He wasn't himself, the battle with that monster confused him! I've sent one of my people for the Seer of Camelot, a very wise man! Let him judge! Not angry fools so bored by petty criminals, that murder is a welcome change?" Mr Hintak continued to harangue the guards until they quieted down a bit. "And last but not least that monster was powerful enough to destroy the city! He knocked the kid out! You think that's all he did? Well? A hideous monster is not something to sneeze at! And you're allergic to it!" Mr. Hintak, now somewhat exhausted, walked into his establishment, and locked the door behind him.

 

 

 

Ranguvar, who was waiting by the door, put an arm under his shoulder. "You were wonderful! I never knew you could speak to people like that!"

 

 

 

"Oh dear! Oh dear! I seem to have gotten a bit light headed, help me over to the chair my dear, thank you." He sat down and sighed. "Well then, did you talk to your father?"

 

 

 

Ranguvar looked down and paused before speaking. "He refused to come. He said that this was what his father did to him, and he had worse conditions, something about someone trying to bring Zaros back. He said whatever Hylean does, he does, then he will reap the consequences." Ranguvar began to bow her head.

 

 

 

Mr. Hintak, not wanting someone to cry right about now, stood up, and started to walk to where Hylean was tied down. It took a lot to hold him down when he asleep, constantly moving. So dangerous... and he never properly touched them too.

 

 

 

Hylean, to his surprise, was sitting in the chair, waiting for him to come through the door. "I was expecting you a little sooner, your a wonderful speaker when you're properly angry. Anyway, what do want to do with me?"

 

 

 

Mr. Hintak, quite amazed at Hylean's escape, now had nothing to say, he couldn't even apologize. "And I suppose you'll want to turn me in?!" Hylean stood up, eyes blazing with ill-concealed rancor. "Well! I won't give you a chance, I'm leaving! Get out of my way!" He jostled past the still shocked old man.

 

 

 

He paused on the stairs, hearing someone weep, a bitter hopeless cry of someone who has realized things cannot be changed, no matter how you wished. He knew it was his sister, and nearly repented, he had always hated her cry, whenever he heard it, he always repented of what he had done. But this time, something inside him hardened him to the point of no return. He must leave, or he will no longer be able to kill people. That last thought shocked him, but it passed beyond memory quickly.

 

 

 

He continued downstairs, walking past her. She was quiet, then she ran to him before the door and grabbed him. "Please! Don't leave, I want you to stay, figure out what happened to you. I'm your sister Hylean, and I love you like a brother! Plea..." She didn't get any farther, Hylean, half of him listening to her, the other half wanting to kill her and take her soul. Before he could continue with that thought, he used his telekinesis to remover her from himself and tossed her down, breaking a table.

 

 

 

He walked out, the guards never had a chance, all of them were thrown this way and that by Hylean, and he walked out the gates. He felt like he had betrayed her. He loved her like a sister, but he could not trust himself not to kill again. He recalled that Fienrir, the hero, was gathering, or had gathered an army to invade whatever-that-northern-land-was, Hylean kept forgetting. He would join the scouts who were advancing into the lands, some, killing, others just gathering information. They would not notice one more who was a die hard Saradominist. He grinned with anticipation, just as long as it let him kill people.

 

 

 

-Between Edge and Val'Idien-

 

 

 

The snake unleashed by the killing of Rinkshak slithered over the battlefield, looking at a couple dead soldiers, there was one who was still alive! It entered into the gaping mouth, and placed itself in the stomach. Its consciousness overpowered the one inside the body, making himself dominant. The eyes glowed as he stood up and picked up the man's weapon, a rune halberd. The possessed human walked off the battleground and began to heal.

 

 

 

The human sniffed the air, the person who had killed Rinkshak was coming toward the north, he could feel it. He didn't want revenge, especially not for killing Rinkshak, but he knew he wanted to train him. He could tell he was powerful, and that power was in need of training indeed.

 

 

 

-Entrance to Val'Idlien-

 

 

 

Alexia was a ranger, and a good one. She joined the army that Fienrir led into the Gauntlet. She decided to join Vincent in the attack on the giants. She did not notice to characters, one killing, and the other following the killer.

Dun dun dun!!!

 

 

 

Sephycritic is here!

 

 

 

Hmmmm....Mistakes...Mistakes...Mis--Aha! Found one!

 

 

 

Val'Idien

 

 

 

Vad'Idlien...I know it's really hard to spell, I spelled it wrong 10 times when I first wrote the Advent. :lol: (<---------LOLing myself, not you).

 

 

 

I can't find anything more, it looks good to me...Excellent work.

 

 

 

Sephycritic didn't critique you a lot...Ah well...

Hmm.. the great Sephrycritic only found one mistake -.- ..

 

 

 

The father of Hylean, the Seer of Camelot,

 

You have two appositives, but no noun.. use the guys name instead of the father of Hylean..

 

 

 

he could here words.

 

Wrong kind of 'hear' :lol:

 

 

 

He tore himself away, he could tell it

 

 

 

A semi colon would be more appropriate here..

 

 

 

he could tell it involved a lot of killing, and he could tell that it involved great sadness for several people who knew him.

 

Instead of using two 'he could tells', just combine killing and great sadness with a 'as well as'.

 

Example-

 

he could tell it involved a lot of killing, as well as great sadness for several people who knew him.

 

 

 

Even himself, he would have to make some kind of sacrifice.

 

should be changed to-

 

Even he would have to make some kind of sacrifice.

 

the himself is not needed

 

 

 

he would be more quiet later

 

More quiet should be quieter

 

 

 

The guard was pushing at the door, they wanted Hylean for double homicide, the most foul murders of Edgar Bret and Dalia Laida.

 

 

 

Semi colons are your friends!

 

 

 

Also, The whole 'loved him like a brother/sister' thing could be done away with- aren't they brother and sister anyway?

 

 

 

Overall, I thought it was very good. :

 

Nine Sephrycritic points out of ten.

thank you all! I will correct... my grammar can't be perfect all the time...

 

 

 

Oh, about the Brother sister thing. They are very very VERY close to each other, much more than the average brother and sister, and would die for each other without a second thought.

 

 

 

Anyway, always glad to have feed back.

 

 

 

 

 

Edit: corrected, the next part will be difficult for me to write well, so have patience.

Chapter 8: Prelude to Treason

 

 

 

Alexia felt alone, even though she wasn't... More than 50 fellow females in an army of at least 300, and none of them would sit next to her, not even share a fire with her! So, she was stuck with seven weirdos around a fire, not to mention what they were roasting was probably not quite dead yet. Finally she had enough, so she asked them their names, after putting descriptions to them.

 

 

 

(The one who seemed to be addicted to something, but powerful and good looking) "Hylean"

 

 

 

(The guy who keeps looking at Hylean) "Ensign"

 

 

 

(A ranger with more scars than arrows) "Butcher"

 

 

 

(Guy with a stupid grin on his face) "Darn! I was going to use that one! Pank!"

 

 

 

(Guy with a tiny dagger and giant armor) "Errgroaor!"

 

 

 

(Guy who fought with his iron encased pinky... how???) "They call me, Rancy!"

 

 

 

(Captain rank, quiet though) "Noram"

 

 

 

"My name's Alexia. Nice to meet you all."

 

 

 

"Same..." Came the chorused reply, after that, they focused more on dinner, fortunately, whatever they were eating had died, and so was fit to eat. Alexia discovered there were only three tents among them, so she opted to sleep outside, despite Hylean's and Ensign's assurances that she could have their tent.

 

 

 

Hylean could not sleep that night, he did not kill enough, it was hard to control himself, but the night had been fun though. Despite her obvious dislike of the seven, Alexia had laughed and played along with them, drinking well into the night. But Hylean was still restless, for souls.

 

 

 

Alexia was sleeping lightly; she awoke to the sound of Hylean opening up the tent flap and breathing in the night air. He stood silent for a while, as if drinking the moon. She looked around, everywhere, except for the sentries, people slept, why didn't Hylean, or her for that matter, or... Ensign?

 

 

 

Ensign stood next to Hylean and whispered something into his ear, Hylean didn't want to hear it, but eventually relented, and went away with him. She wondered what they were saying.

 

 

 

"Listen, you don't know me, but you killed my enemy, wonder who that was?"

 

 

 

"Let me guess, a monster, I don't know his name though, what's your point?"

 

 

 

"Well, I can tell you're addicted to souls, and that you fed on them in the battle, but it didn't help did it?"

 

 

 

"No..."

 

 

 

"I can help you! Seal it away, it would take a bit of your power, but it would leave what you will need for future battles."

 

 

 

"No! I don't want it to be sealed... UHN! ... Okay, I will allow it."

 

 

 

"Good, come with me."

 

 

 

Ensign, or rather, the snake inside him, couldn't believe it! He was going to allow him to seal the soul suck ability, and, after he had trained his body a little, he would be perfect!

 

 

 

"The process of the seal is difficult you will remain still, and you will certainly not scream. Understood? This will only take five minutes."

 

 

 

-five minutes later-

 

 

 

Hylean lay panting next to Ensign, who was similarly weakened. *cough cough* "Okay! The ... whatever should stay *pant* dormant for your lifespan, but it will weaken in time, so I will teach you how to focus your attention on your opponent and yourself." He paused for a while, catching his breath. "And there is no weapon like that except for the halberd."

 

 

 

Hylean nodded, it felt so good, but differently, more wholesome than anything he had felt before. When he returned from this twilit realm, he would return to his sister and father with his head high.

 

 

 

"We'll begin tomorrow, stay by me and watch how I attack, you'll soon learn. G'night!" Ensign flopped over, asleep. Hylean stood up and stretched, he had soon shaken off the weariness, he went back to the tent, to discover that Alexia had taken it over. Hylean shrugged, sat down, and slept.

 

 

 

-The next day-

 

 

 

"Alright! Everyone! Another hard day!" Yelled a bass-voiced sergeant. Everyone got up and arrayed themselves for battle, and the battle came.

 

 

 

The Kingdom of Telythemus was under attack, Fienrir had gone on ahead, but the army had to cut themselves into the kingdom to take it. Blood everywhere, friend and foe falling, it took all of Hylean's and Ensign's skill to keep from dying, and the day was won in the end.

 

 

 

All eight of the fighters survived. All looking the worse for wear, though. Both Butcher and Alexia had nearly run out of arrows, and had gotten cut, which Noram was treating; Hylean had gotten stabbed near the shoulder, barely missing the important blood vessels. Ensign had a leg wound... and so on. Yet, they celebrated, for it was a great victory! Alexia kissed them all once, to their embarrassment; Noram produced a bottle of wine, which they shared. They were in such high spirits, that they partied into the night.

 

 

 

After the festivities, Ensign and Hylean went into an abandoned room and practiced the skill of the Halberd.

 

 

 

Morning came, and they traveled to the next castle, the army of Zamorak creeped so close.

Would you like to buy a period? Only 1k ea! Buy ten and get one free!

 

 

 

Combine your sentences, but don't combine everything in sight!! :wall: Many , many places had far too much commas! Apparently, the period is now a endangered creature..

 

 

 

 

 

Alexia was sleeping lightly; she awoke to the sound of Hylean opening up the tent flap and breathing in the night air.

 

 

 

Untill would really be better off than a semi here

 

 

 

Hmm.. so vampires have a addiction to blood, werewolves to flesh, and Hylean to souls? :ohnoes: I like it

 

 

 

Alexia.. zomg you stole my name! :lol:

 

 

 

And Hylean is really hawt?!?! :shock: :lol: -.- :-s :notalk: :

sorry, guess I was overzealous...

 

 

 

Alexia actually comes from another of my stories, and is the first in depth character that is 100% made in Xewleer's head.

 

 

 

Actually, Hylean and Alexia, Ranguvar etc. are quite good looking, otherwise, it be harder to write about attraction...

 

 

 

I need to go to school soon, so I'll correct in the afternoon.

 

 

 

Oh! about Hylean's addiction, he is no longer addicted, but he will struggle with it from time to time, by the end of the 7 year period, he will be completely cured.

Chapter 9: Treason!

 

 

 

-Verquazen-

 

 

 

Hylean, Ensign, Alexia and their friends fought a ferocious fight, back to back, the eight formed a rolling circle, slicing their way through the Zamorakians. Then the giants appeared, right on their location. Soon, only Ensign, Hylean and Alexia were fighting to return to the main body of troops.

 

 

 

A giant rock flew through the air, going directly for Hylean, as he fought off five Zamorakians duel wielding rune halberd and a rune dagger he had found on the battlefield. Ensign, realizing that he could heal that kind of wound, pushed Hylean away, the rock missed, but Ensign was opened up to a spear attack, which destroyed his stomach, which held what he truly was.

 

 

 

Hylean cried out his name, but he could not get to him before the Zamorakians started to defile the body. Hylean and Alexia reached him, and killed the Zamorakians. Alexia held them off with her arrows as Hylean checked for life signs, finding none, he took Ensign's halberd, and protected Alexia as they further retreated.

 

 

 

Just as they reached the back, a small force of Zamorakians attacked! Hylean, realizing any damage would be too much damage, and, as the tower that held their no show leader fell, he unleashed a powerful magic force on the enemy.

 

 

 

"Magical Emperor!" Reaching his hand into the bag of runes, he used all the runes he could reach, reaching out with his left hand, he focused all of his power. The energy ball grew greater and greater, all the masses of barely controlled power growing more unstable, shaping it into a great spear, he threw it at the small army, decimating it. Fainting, he collapsed into Alexia's arms, his fading memory recalling that she was telling him to stop.

 

 

 

-morning of the next day-

 

 

 

Hyleann woke up to realize he was tied to a stake. Murmurs ran through the camp, and the captain, second to Fienrir walked up to him.

 

 

 

"You killed nearly one hundred of our backup troops! What have you to say for yourself?" He reached down and dragged him up, making them eye to eye. "You are not a soldier from Misthalin, obviously! What are you? Spy? Saboteur? TRAITOR! SPEAK TO ME!"

 

 

 

Hylean tried to speak, but he couldn't, he was utterly exhausted, dehydrated and starving, the last battle had not been kind.

 

 

 

"Please Sir! Permission to speak?"

 

 

 

"Granted, Sergeant Alexia!"

 

 

 

"Sir! We were charged in the front, my friends and I cut through the Zamorakians, then, when we were about to cut our way back, the giants appeared, killing all but Myself, him and a man named Ensign. We were almost at the lines when a rock came flying at Hylean. Ensign thought it was going to hit him, and pushed him out of the way, Hylean and I tried to reach him, but a spear got him sir, the rock missed! Hylean got to the body, but it was lifeless, he took the weapon the soldier had and we went to the back. Hylean was delusional, but I thought it harmless and did not think to restrain him, I did not know we had troops stationed there until it was too late. Hylean summoned that massive energy spear, thinking it was fresh Zamorakian troops. Thats how it happened, Sir!"

 

 

 

The commander let Hylean down, this was not going to be easy, but he had to do his duty. "I hereby convict you of treason, I cannot say anything less, however, as I did see you and your squad fight bravely, I will grant you to leave, provided you are out of sight by noontide, with your weapons. This is more than Zamorak would ever do. Let it be known that Hylean is a traitor! Leave, you sniveling weakling!" He kicked Hylean, who could not move to defend himself.

 

 

 

Alexia waited until everyone had gone, there was nothing to see here. Then, she helped him up, placing food and water in his pack lastly, she walked him out. It was almost noon.

 

 

 

"I'm very sorry, Hylean, I couldn't do more." Hylean struggled into a bush, hiding himself completely. "I am very sorry..." A hand reached out and grabbed hers, it squeezed it, then, giving an "okay" sign, it disappeared back into the bush.

 

 

 

She went back into camp, only to discover the commander waiting for her.

 

 

 

"I don't approve."

 

 

 

"I am high enough to make that decision..."

 

 

 

"I would have done the same thing. NOW! SOLDIER! TEN-HUT! Wipe that tear from your eye! Foreward! By-the-left! Quick march back to your tent and freshen up, the final battle is soon!"

 

 

 

Alexia marched off, wondering about Hylean.

 

 

 

Hylean, however, had no thoughts, he was sleeping peacefully.

Hmm.. very good.. me like, me like! :D

 

 

 

So Hylean has been dispelled from the army-like thingy? Interesting...

No offense, but this relatively...um, sucks. You're ripping off of games with names like Hylean, and it lacks a true structure. In addition...all it is is a lot of dry dialogue. Maybe I'M just being a little too sensitive because I'm a writer, but I think it's relatively poor.

No offense, but this relatively...um, sucks. You're ripping off of games with names like Hylean, and it lacks a true structure. In addition...all it is is a lot of dry dialogue. Maybe I'M just being a little too sensitive because I'm a writer, but I think it's relatively poor.

 

OMg, a real critic! Do me! Do me! (BluudkeinWolf)

 

Yes, I borrowed 'Yassin' and 'Bellatrix' though....(like Hylean here. You can borrow names as long as the character is 100% your own) -.-

No chapter today, sorry all...

 

 

 

No offense, but this relatively...um, sucks. You're ripping off of games with names like Hylean, and it lacks a true structure. In addition...all it is is a lot of dry dialogue. Maybe I'M just being a little too sensitive because I'm a writer, but I think it's relatively poor.

 

 

 

Now look, I don't really mind, buts its the characters...

 

 

 

If you'll notice, I first created Hylean for an RPG, now look at my RSN, its Hylean 1989, the same, thats the name I got it from, Ranguvar is my sisters RSN, Alexia is the first female character 100% me. If the dialogue is dry it is because I don't like using witty remarks all the time. That's not my character's style of talking.

 

 

 

Also, you'd better have more than two posts when you're criticizing someone, write something, and we'll see how we measure up.

I'm published brudda, I know what I'm talking about.

 

And I mean, the entire chapter is just dialogue. Dialogue is fine if you know what it's doing and it makes sense (which yours does, but it really wouldn't hurt to use a few more descriptive words) but theres just no setting and character environment...coexistence. Could use some description, you know? Make the setting a little bit more...there.

may ask what it is? I'll read it if I enjoy that kind of book.

 

 

 

Also, I am afraid I have no formal training writing, I just write on instinct, so far its pretty good I think, but nothings perfect.

I'm published brudda, I know what I'm talking about.

 

And I mean, the entire chapter is just dialogue. Dialogue is fine if you know what it's doing and it makes sense (which yours does, but it really wouldn't hurt to use a few more descriptive words) but theres just no setting and character environment...coexistence. Could use some description, you know? Make the setting a little bit more...there.

 

 

 

Ok, the sentence in bold? I have no idea what you're talking about.

 

 

 

Xewleer's writing is a bit lacking in enviromental description, I'll admit. Most writers spend whole paragraphs just describing things, but I think he puts enough description for you to get a sense of what's happening.

 

 

 

Also, can you read one of my stories? (link in signature) If you say that this sucks, I'd like to hear what you have to say about mine.

It's vague...in the black library of Warhammer if you've ever heard it. Big science fiction novel.

Wamrhammer? Brudda? Never heard of it.. and I call myself somewhat of a scifi fan...

nope, never heard of it... checking library site.

 

 

 

Are you Dan Abnett? or William King? Cause I can't find a book called Warhammer at the local libraries website. You're gonna have to give me a name... brudda.

 

 

 

Oh, about the environmental thing. I really don't like writing it, so I use it as a tool, to poke fun or just to show how evil someone is (remember the first time I introduced Rinkshak, I put a lot of work into the environment there.

Chapter 10: In Lord Zamorak's Army

 

 

 

It is one year later, the realm of Val'Idlien is still being fought over, with evil making great strides toward conquering it all. The good warriors who followed Saradomin called themselves the hunters, hunting out evil whenever it appeared. The Zamorakians called themselves the "Hunted" in mockery, and they were anything but hunted.

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

It was a calm day, the wind lightly blew sending cherry blossoms floating along the grove. Here, a doe and its fawn pranced lightly out into the open, and went back into the forest. In another part, two birds sang love songs to each other, flying among the clouds in the ecstasy that comes from finding the one you love most. The clouds themselves grew red in the night, an omen to be sure, but lost on Alexia. She lay on the grass, enjoying the time that would be soon lost. A battle was to be fought soon, it was the way of things now.

 

 

 

She sighed, it was nearly time for guard duty, and she wanted the early shift. She hefted her bow and carried it with her, it would not do to forget her well beloved weapon. The captain, once the second in command of an army, sent her to her post, not begrudgingly, he could never be so competent as now.

 

 

 

The night itself was pristine, not an edge of foulness about it. The flames of Zamorak far away. The beauty of the day was in the night as well. The fireflies replacing cherry blossoms as they flitted about, mixing with the stars, and the moon cheerily peering down on the world, taking the edge of the darkness. The darkness itself felt good, as Alexia hid herself under a bush, it wrapped around her and caressed her with the gentlest of embraces, promising sleep when she was done.

 

 

 

"Its so wonderful... why can't every night be like this?" She said to the rabbit, disturbed by her crawling. "You married, bunny?" As if in answer, its mate popped out of the hole the other rabbits had come from and nuzzled the male. The rabbit went back into the hole, Alexia was alone to ponder her own choices that led to this point.

 

 

 

Her father, contented, no matter what happened, arguing even after she left the door of their Falador house. Her mother, a soldier herself, long retired after she met her almost pacifist husband, ruthless and determined to bring the best for her only child.

 

 

 

"Listen, Alexia, you don't want to be a soldier, not in Varrock's army, please! I can find a really nice guy... Oh! How about the son of a seer, I'm good friends with his father, and I'm sure the son would love to have a pretty gal like you. You'll have to stop the dagger eyes though... Comes from your mother... Anyway, soldiering will turn you into something like your mother!" He suddenly bent himself backwards, his hands on the ground. A dagger was sticking out the wall, scarily close to where his head was a second ago. "Rowr!! Coming dear! Hee hee! Anyway, I can't stop you, you're old enough to make your own decisions no matter how long I prattle. You said goodbye to your mother, and you've said goodbye to me. Don't let the door hit you on the way out."

 

 

 

Alexia had walked out on what she realized was the happiest time of her life. Though... it seemed that the time she had with her seven friends a year ago. She felt sad that she was the only one left, well, he might still be alive but that was doubtful, he was horribly weakened when she left him.

 

 

 

-Watching Alexia-

 

 

 

A small group of cunning and powerful soldiers in the army of Zamorak watched the female Saradominist soldier inexpertly hide herself in the bush. One barked a laugh.

 

 

 

"Jahhaj! Louk! Her bouts arr stikking ot!" He pointed and barked his laugh again. The most dominant one struck at him, and soundly punched his ear. The leader merely nodded down at her.

 

 

 

"I want her for myself. Soft and silent, no fighting, Rakkan? If you will."

 

 

 

The one he addressed as Rakkan unscrewed the top of the spear and expertly put it to his mouth and blew. Alexia slumped, falling asleep instantly. But a soldier, who had come to relieve her saw her slump and sounded the alarm. Soldiers appeared, seemingly out of nowhere; the Zamorakians faded away, assisted by their leaders magic ability.

 

 

 

-the next day-

 

 

 

Alexia woke up and was instantly barraged by a series of verbal barrages from her captain. When he was done, she was most definitely chastised.

 

 

 

However, the Zamorakians are not to be denied what they want. Attacks came simultaneously, driving the Saradominists back, time came that they were defeated, the men slaughtered, and the women to be taken for their own evil purposes.

 

 

 

-The camp-

 

 

 

The Zamorakian camp was fire and torture, most cruel devices lay about everywhere. No secret places could have happiness or goodness, it was just too evil. Alexia was frightened, and wished, prayed and willed herself to be back home, meeting with the son of a seer, even if it was the most boring man on earth, it had to be better than this.

 

 

 

She was suddenly cast down with the rest of the surviving females, in the mud. They stood up, looking at the jeering faces of the creatures of Zamorak. One was chosen, then another. Then she was left, on purpose. Her fear was the reason, she couldn't help being terrified, they could all smell it, savoring it like a gourmet a succulent piece of meat. Then, when it had reached its climax, two voices spoke out.

 

 

 

"She's mine!" One was a smiling nineteen year old, completely at ease, supporting himself by hanging on his halberd, which was stuck in the ground. His feet completely off the ground, his ungloved hands boldly holding onto the blade. His posture exuding the ease of one whose weapon is another limb, complete and utter mastery. He was one of the top Zamorakians, judging by the reactions of the other soldiers.

 

 

 

The other Zamorakian was the coldest human she ever saw, looking completely sexless, it exuded an air of authority and intelligence that scared Alexia more than the other soldier with the halberd. He, she guessed because there were no other females to be seen in the camp, looked at her with a hunger that was different from what the other had. More of a devouring passion, than anything else, it hungered after her so much that she could not look at him.

 

 

 

The Zamorakian in charge motioned to them both. "Okay! Its between the kind-hearted (spits) Ensign, and the cruelest Jano."

 

 

 

The one called Ensign merely smiled, and snapped his fingers. He walked toward her. Then disappeared, reappearing next to her, fingering her neck, then she fell limp, but conscious. Jano tried to move but he discovered he could not walk towards her.

 

 

 

"That, my good Jano, is called entangle. If you please, I'll enjoy the day and night and beyond with my most excellent guest." His comrades laughed at Jano, mimicking his movements. Jano nearly lost it, but controlled himself, standing still until the spell wore off. He walked away, but as he walked, every ten steps or so, something would be destroyed. He would not be mocked like that again.

 

 

 

In the tent of Ensign, Alexia felt her body coming back under her control.

 

 

 

"Well! You never expected me to join the Zamorakians! But Saradomin abandoned me! Where was he when I lost myself?" The body behind her moved so that she felt an arm coming close to her chest, then away, much to hoots of laughter from outside. The tent flap closed and they were alone. Alexia found she had her mouth back.

 

 

 

"I... I won't beg for my life!"

 

 

 

"You won't have to... You can't recognize me? I've been thinking about you too much for me not to recognize you, Alexia."

 

 

 

"What do you mean? You're going to kill me?"

 

 

 

"No no! I just thought you'd recognize an old friend thats all... You should be grateful... after fighting alongside you for so long, I thought you would recognize me! In Zamorak's service, Hylean!"

 

 

 

Alexia could not reply. It was too shocking for words.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

-----------

 

 

 

wow! its almost 12:00 when I posted this!

-Interlude-

 

 

 

A strange being looked on with interest. It had gotten boring since the battle a year ago, but what is a year to a god? It now noticed the powers that were very much evident, controlled only with a strength of will that was matched only by those whom he gathered around him, but they were not as powerful.

 

 

 

They were arguing again, those interlopers... they haven't agreed since they had a common enemy. He was too long dead to unite them against any common enemy. It sighed and turned away yet again. Those fools are pushing their luck with him; it was all bluffs with smoke and mirrors.

 

 

 

The two were quieted soon, each removing themselves to their respective rooms in a dark green citadel. Sheep grazed outside, at peace. It was the most peaceful area in all dimensions. That was the benefit of being a god.

 

 

 

The flames were still even, though evil had become larger, the good candles were stronger. It would take a major upheaval to cause the scales to tip. It sat back down in front of the light

 

 

 

-The Zamorakian's camp-

 

 

 

Hylean turned his head, looking around, but no one was there. He returned to the task at hand, telling Alexia what had happened to him

very good, I like how you amped up the descriptions a bit.. You do need the rember to use transition words when connecting you sentences, though..

Raven_gaurd0, the irony of your very name makes me doubt that you are published.

 

 

 

From what I can gather, Warhammer is a series of books that make a kind of world of their own, with different installments by different authors, sort of like the Star Wars EU. Going by that, you could be any one of these authors:

 

 

 

Ben Counter

 

William King

 

Dan Abnett

 

Marc Gascoigne

 

Matt Ralphs

 

Nick Kyme

 

Steve Parker

 

Anthony Reynolds

 

Graham McNeill

 

C.L. Werner

 

Lucien Soulban

 

Cassern S. Goto

 

Richard L. Byers

 

 

 

And possibly more that I didn't find.

 

 

 

Yes, you picked a very good series to pull a charade on. No offense if you really are one of these people, but I'm skeptical.

 

 

 

EDIT: Oh, and if you really think you're something, read what I've written. I welcome CC, since I plan to follow writing as a career. But that definitely does not mean that I'm no good. And the stuff I have here isn't my best, since I'm working on other stuff to actually publish.