This is a bit unfinished as of yet (and long-winded), but I figure it's pretty good for my first attempt.

 

 

 

[hide=The Unrevised Edition]

 

 

 

ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ãâ¦Ã¢â¬ÅWhat do you have in your basement?ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬ÃâÃ

Change the King's name. It's about as original as "Steve".

 

 

 

Also, the formatting could use some work.

 

 

 

Otherwise, quite interesting.

I think it sounds a little clumsy.

 

 

 

There's too much dialogue. There isn't enough description to support it, and the reader only gets a really vague idea of the world around the characters.

 

 

 

What you should probably do is avoid introducing all the characters at the start, and work them all in gradually, so they don't confuse the reader with the sheer amount of dialogue between them.

 

 

 

Also, you probably should try not to make it sound so much like a session of tabletop Dungeons and Dragons.

Indenting and Paragraphs were definitely needed.

You're right. I really think I should just start over, and in fact I am. I'm getting rid of Ian, Seth, and Emily, and following the same sort of storyline, but with less characters overall.

 

I liked the D&D simile- it's true.

Also, you can't go wrong with using more original names. I personally find it hard to immerse myself into a story where the main character has a plain old modern name like Steve or John.

If you've already read the first bit, know that this is near the same thing. I changed a little, and added a little.

 

Hopefully the italics ended up right.

 

 

 

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