malo2 Posted January 17, 2008 Share Posted January 17, 2008 I have been writing this for a week now and have been getting more enthusiastic over the days. I think it has reached the point where it will make you somewhat want to read more. If you could give me any criticism you can, I would be very happy. I want to know anything that is bad and/or could be improved. I apologize for the fact that the paragraphs are unclear, I do nothing more than indent. There are some notes after the story if you wish to read them first. The story is set in 15th century England in a historically modified world. Enjoy __________________________________ Charlie and I were walking through the forest behind our town of Cambridge, I was climbing up a hill of thick roots with Charlie behind me taking many glances back. ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ãâ¦Ã¢â¬ÅWow Elias, this is the furthest we have ever gotten, probably furthest anyone in our school has gotten.ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ãâà Lastfm Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malo2 Posted January 17, 2008 Author Share Posted January 17, 2008 ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ãâ¦Ã¢â¬ÅYeah, it's not suspicious is it?ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ãâà Lastfm Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malo2 Posted January 17, 2008 Author Share Posted January 17, 2008 Notes: I have not given a description for the main character or his friend. I will get to that soon so do not worry. With the whole market scene, I am planning to shorten it, or make if more insightful to the entire story. Most likely the latter one, as well as make it more interesting. The whole thing with Jack, I am planning on giving him a bigger introduction and developing the conflict between him and the main character much more, so the whole fight later on is much more interesting and meaningful. This is my third and best attempt at the story, the first attempt was 18 pages long and was scrapped, the second was much better, but was scrapped around page 6. This one is looking very good for me right now and I will probably go on with it, that is why I am posting it here. Once again, all criticism good and bad is greatly appreciated, especially if you give suggestions for improvement. Thanks very much. Lastfm Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xewleer Posted January 17, 2008 Share Posted January 17, 2008 Um, I couldn't read it very well (bad eyesight) could you unquote it? It would increase the readability 100 fold. I'll show you how terrifying a true Christian can be!It's Xewleer: ZEW le ar, got it memorized?Hermit of the Varrock Library and its proud guard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malo2 Posted January 17, 2008 Author Share Posted January 17, 2008 No problem. Lastfm Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xewleer Posted January 17, 2008 Share Posted January 17, 2008 First off, Charlie and I in the first sentence. And through out the story, however, you sometimes switch... Went ahead (when they're following the cat) Miss (Miss Meyers intro) does not require a period more frequent commas would be nice they did not use "dude" is 15th century speech. Nor did they talk "modern" either It is passed down from parent to child, nobody who has not a single parent who knows magic, will have the talent himself. rework this sentence, tis grammatically incorrect and I can't understand it. I got through about half of it. I'm going to bed now, I like it, but it needs some refining. I'll show you how terrifying a true Christian can be!It's Xewleer: ZEW le ar, got it memorized?Hermit of the Varrock Library and its proud guard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zonorhc Posted January 17, 2008 Share Posted January 17, 2008 What you're going to want to do is break up the monotony of those long blocks of dialogue. It's all well and good that characters are speaking, but it gets incredibly boring to watch a long-winded exchange of small talk, especially when entire conversations seem to happen without any visible interaction between people. Words come out of their mouths, but that's it? Where are the smiles? Where are the changes in tone? Where is the body language, and where are the little things that people do with their hands while they talk? Varrock Library: Shattered Sky | Silent Thunder | The Emperor's FinestAstri @ MythWeavers Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
malo2 Posted January 17, 2008 Author Share Posted January 17, 2008 Thanks a lot, that's very helpful. I will probably get to work on the changes suggested tomorrow. About the modern type of dialog, I did have some problems with that. The theory is that the magical and nonmagical societies are very separated and have heavy segregation which is hidden from the younger people. Because of this, the societies have their own rate of cultural advancement, so the magical society is more advanced. that is my excuse for the high quality orphanages and schooling, and all of the rather modern speech. I will probably take out the "dude" from the story, thats a bit too far. I plan on Elias to get a job later on which requires him to travel to a nearby non magical town, where he will discover how separate the world is, and gain more truth about the destroyed bridge. Wow you guys are actually making me very enthusiastic about writing more, since now I have good ideas on how to improve :lol: Lastfm Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xewleer Posted January 17, 2008 Share Posted January 17, 2008 well, if you're grateful, maybe you can comment on my story? hint hint... I'll read the rest tonight, when I have time. I'll show you how terrifying a true Christian can be!It's Xewleer: ZEW le ar, got it memorized?Hermit of the Varrock Library and its proud guard. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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