Kelonius and the Stone of Entreige

 

 

 

[hide=Chapter 1 (What I have so far)]Chapter 1

 

 

 

A dim light was seen at the end of the dark, damp tunnel. A young man was hurrying towards it. He finally reached it and violently collapsed to the ground with exaustion. After he gathered up some strength, he got up and dragged his feet to the corner of the room. It was dimly lit with a few candles, so he had to be careful not to fall. Reaching his desired destination, he picked up a small and heavy object. It was a sword. He found it while digging near the castle garden. He picked it up and put it into his right hand. "Ow!", he exclaimed, almost dropping the sword.

 

 

 

He looked down on his hand and saw several bright red blisters on his fingers and hand. He brought the sword back up into his hand, and ignoring the pain, did one swift swipe towards an old training dummy. Missed! "Oh, I'll never become a good swordsman like my father", he said.

 

 

 

He continued this all night long. Early the next morning, he snuck back into his shack. It was a grungy old thing. All the peasants had them. He curled up onto some straw that he made into a bed and tried to make the best of an uneasy sleep...

 

 

 

He awoke the next morning to the wake up bell. He quickly got up and ran towards a small door on the side of the castle. "Hurry up peasant", said a guard in an arrogant tone and pushed him forwards to the kitchen.

 

 

 

Here, they had to cook the meals and wash the dishes for the many patrons of the castle. The king included. Today, the peasants had to prepare a special dinner as it was the king's birthday. The peasants started washing out all of the dishes they could find. When that was finished, it was the late afternoon. They now fired up the castle fires and put all of the food that was on the special list that was given to them onto the fires. It included: large amounts of freshly slaughtered and skinned chickens; grapes, oranges, apples, watermelons, and much, much more!

 

 

 

By the end of the day, everything was prepared. Here, the peasants all went to their shacks to spend the night. They could hear the castle residents enjoying themselves.

 

 

 

"Well, at least I get the left overs...", said the peasant.

 

 

 

After a few hours, the castle's lights went off one by one. The peasants, who felt their stomachs clenching and burning with hunger, ran towards the side door by the castle. The guards handed out left overs (bread, some meat, grapes, and a bit of wine) to each peasant. They all returned to their shacks where they ate it. Ooh, it felt great having their stomachs filled again. Just then, another peasant came to see our hero.

 

 

 

"Hey, Kelonius, how are you feeling?", he said.

 

 

 

"No, I'm not feeling right. I mean, working for this castle for the rest of our lives. It's not right.", Kelonius said.

 

 

 

"There's nothing we can do. You know that.", the peasant said.

 

 

 

"Yeah, I know that Tom.", said Kelonius.

 

 

 

After about 20 minutes, the peasants were all asleep. That is, except for Kelonius. He checked to see if the coast was clear and then he went quietly, but quickly towards the back of the castle. He went through a door and went down three long flights of stairs. Finally, he reached the room again. After training for a little while, he noticed that he was getting better. He could actually hit the dummy quite accurately and swiftly. He decided to try out some more complicated moves. After a few hours of doing this, he took off towards his shack. When he was almost there, he saw something move in the forest.

 

 

 

"Wh-wh-wh-wh-who's-s t-t-here?", Kelonius stammered.

 

 

 

The figure was coming towards him. He was so frightened, he couldn't move. Then...

 

 

 

"'ello Thelonius", said the figure.

 

 

 

Since he was closer up, he could see him more clearly in the moonlight. He was wearing a dark hood, which matched his dark clothes, therefore he couldn't see his eyes. However, he could see that the man's skin had plenty of scars, as if he was in many battles.

 

 

 

"Who are you?", asked Kelonius, more curious than afraid now.

 

 

 

"Ah, my name does not matter, but I need you to do something. Do you want to leave this place for good?", said the man, rather quickly. His voice was quiet, but commanding. He sounded like a wizard that shrivelled way many years ago..

 

 

 

"Sure, but..", Kelonius said, flabbergasted.

 

 

 

"But what? You will leave all of this... And what is this?", replied the man.

 

 

 

"I don't know... What do you want me to do?", asked Kelonius.

 

 

 

"Ah, I want you to come with me. To follow me in my travels to lands far and wide.", the man replied.

 

 

 

"Alright, I'll do it. Why did you pick me?", replied Kelonius with a questioning look.

 

 

 

"You are special. You don't deserve to be in a place like this", replied the man.

 

 

 

"Ever since you were born, you were meant to do great things. You were born to rid this world of evil!", continued the man.

 

 

 

"All this just sounds unbelievable. How do I know that I'm not talking to some crackpot old fool who's fallen off his rocker years ago?", replied Kelonius.

 

 

 

"If I weren't here to get you, you would have been stuck like a pig faster than you can take your next breath", said the man, starting to sound annoyed.

 

 

 

"I'm sorry.", replied Kelonius.

 

 

 

"Now, this is something you must do for me right now. Take this stone. This stone is only meant to work for the right people. Show me that I'm right.", said the man.

 

 

 

The man held out his old, wrinkly hands and outstreched his long fingers. In the palm of his hand was a dark green stone. The moment Kelonius grabbed it, the stone sparkled to life and glowed to a bright green colour. Kelonius almost fell back in shock from the almost blinding light.

 

 

 

"You see? You are the chosen one", said the man. "Now we must go, we have a lot to do."

 

 

 

End of Chapter 1.[/hide]

 

 

 

Please post any suggestions, problems, and anything else that you think should be added to the story. Please remember: this is my first time writing a story. Be nice. ;)

 

 

 

EDIT1: Fixed some of the choppyness with the old english and new english.

 

EDIT2: Fixed a bit of the comma-itis. :lol:

I like it so far. You have bits that could be smoother, if you know what I mean. (The first paragraph especially) Your dialogue isn't consistent; you switch from modern slang and ye olde english, and you've got a few errors in the grammar department with the dialogue as well.

 

 

 

But otherwise, very good for your first attempt, please continue it! :thumbsup:

I like it so far. You have bits that could be smoother, if you know what I mean. (The first paragraph especially) Your dialogue isn't consistent; you switch from modern slang and ye olde english, and you've got a few errors in the grammar department with the dialogue as well.

 

 

 

But otherwise, very good for your first attempt, please continue it! :thumbsup:

 

 

 

Hehe, thanks for the feedback. I'll look it over and see what I can do. But, I'm a bit busy at the moment, so I'll try to do it ASAP.

I like it so far. You have bits that could be smoother, if you know what I mean. (The first paragraph especially) Your dialogue isn't consistent; you switch from modern slang and ye olde english, and you've got a few errors in the grammar department with the dialogue as well.

 

 

 

But otherwise, very good for your first attempt, please continue it! :thumbsup:

 

 

 

I agree with this. There is modern, and old english. If I wrote this I'd use modern approach with some thoughts about it, but you made it special.

 

 

 

Continue the story please, and no one flame me for what I said in this post.

Fixed up some of the old English and replaced it with modern day English. Any better? Could you pick specifics as well? Thanks. :)

Fixed up some of the old English and replaced it with modern day English. Any better? Could you pick specifics as well? Thanks. :)

 

 

 

I didn't say you had to replace the old English, I just said what I personally would have done. The old English made it special. Google up some old English phrases and use those in the place of the modern. You will be loved everywhere then lol.

Fixed up some of the old English and replaced it with modern day English. Any better? Could you pick specifics as well? Thanks. :)

 

 

 

I didn't say you had to replace the old English, I just said what I personally would have done. The old English made it special. Google up some old English phrases and use those in the place of the modern. You will be loved everywhere then lol.

 

 

 

I didn't mean anything against you, lol. I might try to do that.

'Tis good, for the most part, but go easy on the full stops. It makes the prose feel jerky and unflowing. Part of that will come with practice; you should gradually start to see patterns in sentences and be able to string them together for a more lyrical quality. While there is nothing wrong with simple sentences, almost every one of yours are, and it can be rather rough on the tongue.

It's not bad, but your main problem is shot sentences. You really need to use a mixture of short and long - in general your sentences should be 2+ clauses, only just short ones for effect. To solve this problem, read the first paragraph to yourself, several times over if necessary. Experiment with it in your head; mix up the clauses, remove full stops, add commas, switch commas for colons - there's so, so much you can do without even changing any of the text. And chances are, once you've spent a while experimenting, you'll have made ALOT of changes. Certainly not because it's bad to start with, but whatever you write can almost always be made better.

 

 

 

In general just... say things slightly more implicitly? Example; "He was wearing a dark hood, which matched his dark clothes, therefore he couldn't see his eyes". This should be more like - " He was wearing dark clothes and a hood, which hid his eyes from view". It's basically the same but use of the words 'so', 'therefore' and 'however' can be very patronising to the reader. Leave some things unsaid, and others hinted at, others said outright so they're a shock to the reader.

 

 

 

C/c aside, I do think it's good :) Keep working on it but IMO there's a great ratio of description, dialogue, events etc. Spelling and grammar good, I like it.

It's not bad, but your main problem is shot sentences. You really need to use a mixture of short and long - in general your sentences should be 2+ clauses, only just short ones for effect. To solve this problem, read the first paragraph to yourself, several times over if necessary. Experiment with it in your head; mix up the clauses, remove full stops, add commas, switch commas for colons - there's so, so much you can do without even changing any of the text. And chances are, once you've spent a while experimenting, you'll have made ALOT of changes. Certainly not because it's bad to start with, but whatever you write can almost always be made better.

 

 

 

In general just... say things slightly more implicitly? Example; "He was wearing a dark hood, which matched his dark clothes, therefore he couldn't see his eyes". This should be more like - " He was wearing dark clothes and a hood, which hid his eyes from view". It's basically the same but use of the words 'so', 'therefore' and 'however' can be very patronising to the reader. Leave some things unsaid, and others hinted at, others said outright so they're a shock to the reader.

 

 

 

C/c aside, I do think it's good :) Keep working on it but IMO there's a great ratio of description, dialogue, events etc. Spelling and grammar good, I like it.

 

 

 

 

 

And issy likes it, so you win :D

It's not bad, but your main problem is shot sentences. You really need to use a mixture of short and long - in general your sentences should be 2+ clauses, only just short ones for effect. To solve this problem, read the first paragraph to yourself, several times over if necessary. Experiment with it in your head; mix up the clauses, remove full stops, add commas, switch commas for colons - there's so, so much you can do without even changing any of the text. And chances are, once you've spent a while experimenting, you'll have made ALOT of changes. Certainly not because it's bad to start with, but whatever you write can almost always be made better.

 

 

 

In general just... say things slightly more implicitly? Example; "He was wearing a dark hood, which matched his dark clothes, therefore he couldn't see his eyes". This should be more like - " He was wearing dark clothes and a hood, which hid his eyes from view". It's basically the same but use of the words 'so', 'therefore' and 'however' can be very patronising to the reader. Leave some things unsaid, and others hinted at, others said outright so they're a shock to the reader.

 

 

 

C/c aside, I do think it's good :) Keep working on it but IMO there's a great ratio of description, dialogue, events etc. Spelling and grammar good, I like it.

 

 

 

 

 

And issy likes it, so you win :D

 

 

 

Lol! It's not that I don't like anything I read, but I really am a perfectionist and I want other people to be, as well? Gah sounds stupid I know...

It's not bad, but your main problem is shot sentences. You really need to use a mixture of short and long - in general your sentences should be 2+ clauses, only just short ones for effect. To solve this problem, read the first paragraph to yourself, several times over if necessary. Experiment with it in your head; mix up the clauses, remove full stops, add commas, switch commas for colons - there's so, so much you can do without even changing any of the text. And chances are, once you've spent a while experimenting, you'll have made ALOT of changes. Certainly not because it's bad to start with, but whatever you write can almost always be made better.

 

 

 

In general just... say things slightly more implicitly? Example; "He was wearing a dark hood, which matched his dark clothes, therefore he couldn't see his eyes". This should be more like - " He was wearing dark clothes and a hood, which hid his eyes from view". It's basically the same but use of the words 'so', 'therefore' and 'however' can be very patronising to the reader. Leave some things unsaid, and others hinted at, others said outright so they're a shock to the reader.

 

 

 

C/c aside, I do think it's good :) Keep working on it but IMO there's a great ratio of description, dialogue, events etc. Spelling and grammar good, I like it.

 

 

 

 

 

And issy likes it, so you win :D

 

 

 

Lol! It's not that I don't like anything I read, but I really am a perfectionist and I want other people to be, as well? Gah sounds stupid I know...

 

 

 

But, everytime someone fails you get a cookie... and what heppens when some one wins? two cookies?

It's not bad, but your main problem is shot sentences. You really need to use a mixture of short and long - in general your sentences should be 2+ clauses, only just short ones for effect. To solve this problem, read the first paragraph to yourself, several times over if necessary. Experiment with it in your head; mix up the clauses, remove full stops, add commas, switch commas for colons - there's so, so much you can do without even changing any of the text. And chances are, once you've spent a while experimenting, you'll have made ALOT of changes. Certainly not because it's bad to start with, but whatever you write can almost always be made better.

 

 

 

In general just... say things slightly more implicitly? Example; "He was wearing a dark hood, which matched his dark clothes, therefore he couldn't see his eyes". This should be more like - " He was wearing dark clothes and a hood, which hid his eyes from view". It's basically the same but use of the words 'so', 'therefore' and 'however' can be very patronising to the reader. Leave some things unsaid, and others hinted at, others said outright so they're a shock to the reader.

 

 

 

C/c aside, I do think it's good :) Keep working on it but IMO there's a great ratio of description, dialogue, events etc. Spelling and grammar good, I like it.

 

 

 

 

 

And issy likes it, so you win :D

 

 

 

Lol! It's not that I don't like anything I read, but I really am a perfectionist and I want other people to be, as well? Gah sounds stupid I know...

 

 

 

But, everytime someone fails you get a cookie... and what heppens when some one wins? two cookies?

 

 

 

No-one fails in the Arts... *looks pompous*

 

But seriously. What do you mean, someone fails? It's not about winning or losing... just about saying something interesting and true.

It's not bad, but your main problem is shot sentences. You really need to use a mixture of short and long - in general your sentences should be 2+ clauses, only just short ones for effect. To solve this problem, read the first paragraph to yourself, several times over if necessary. Experiment with it in your head; mix up the clauses, remove full stops, add commas, switch commas for colons - there's so, so much you can do without even changing any of the text. And chances are, once you've spent a while experimenting, you'll have made ALOT of changes. Certainly not because it's bad to start with, but whatever you write can almost always be made better.

 

 

 

In general just... say things slightly more implicitly? Example; "He was wearing a dark hood, which matched his dark clothes, therefore he couldn't see his eyes". This should be more like - " He was wearing dark clothes and a hood, which hid his eyes from view". It's basically the same but use of the words 'so', 'therefore' and 'however' can be very patronising to the reader. Leave some things unsaid, and others hinted at, others said outright so they're a shock to the reader.

 

 

 

C/c aside, I do think it's good :) Keep working on it but IMO there's a great ratio of description, dialogue, events etc. Spelling and grammar good, I like it.

 

 

 

 

 

And issy likes it, so you win :D

 

 

 

Lol! It's not that I don't like anything I read, but I really am a perfectionist and I want other people to be, as well? Gah sounds stupid I know...

 

 

 

But, everytime someone fails you get a cookie... and what heppens when some one wins? two cookies?

 

 

 

No-one fails in the Arts... *looks pompous*

 

But seriously. What do you mean, someone fails? It's not about winning or losing... just about saying something interesting and true.

 

 

 

But you win a cookie anyways. ;)

It's not bad, but your main problem is shot sentences. You really need to use a mixture of short and long - in general your sentences should be 2+ clauses, only just short ones for effect. To solve this problem, read the first paragraph to yourself, several times over if necessary. Experiment with it in your head; mix up the clauses, remove full stops, add commas, switch commas for colons - there's so, so much you can do without even changing any of the text. And chances are, once you've spent a while experimenting, you'll have made ALOT of changes. Certainly not because it's bad to start with, but whatever you write can almost always be made better.

 

 

 

In general just... say things slightly more implicitly? Example; "He was wearing a dark hood, which matched his dark clothes, therefore he couldn't see his eyes". This should be more like - " He was wearing dark clothes and a hood, which hid his eyes from view". It's basically the same but use of the words 'so', 'therefore' and 'however' can be very patronising to the reader. Leave some things unsaid, and others hinted at, others said outright so they're a shock to the reader.

 

 

 

C/c aside, I do think it's good :) Keep working on it but IMO there's a great ratio of description, dialogue, events etc. Spelling and grammar good, I like it.

 

 

 

 

 

And issy likes it, so you win :D

 

 

 

Lol! It's not that I don't like anything I read, but I really am a perfectionist and I want other people to be, as well? Gah sounds stupid I know...

 

 

 

But, everytime someone fails you get a cookie... and what heppens when some one wins? two cookies?

 

 

 

No-one fails in the Arts... *looks pompous*

 

But seriously. What do you mean, someone fails? It's not about winning or losing... just about saying something interesting and true.

 

 

 

But you win a cookie anyways. ;)

 

 

 

Lol not sure if thats a good or bad thing. I'll assume the former :) Thanks!

Well, what can I say? I'm a punctuation junkie. :lol:

Well, what can I say? I'm a punctuation junkie. :lol:

 

 

 

From a distant corner comes the squeaky voice of Mr. Comma: "I'm punctuation too!"

Well, what can I say? I'm a punctuation junkie. :lol:

 

 

 

From a distant corner comes the squeaky voice of Mr. Comma: "I'm punctuation too!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ROFL!!!

 

 

 

BTW: 1000 posts!!! :twss: :twss: :twss: :twss: :twss: :twss:

 

 

 

CONGRADULATIONS!!!YOU HAVE NO LIFE!!!

 

 

 

WOOT!

Well, what can I say? I'm a punctuation junkie. :lol:

 

 

 

From a distant corner comes the squeaky voice of Mr. Comma: "I'm punctuation too!"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

ROFL!!!

 

 

 

BTW: 1000 posts!!! :twss: :twss: :twss: :twss: :twss: :twss:

 

 

 

CONGRADULATIONS!!!YOU HAVE NO LIFE!!!

 

 

 

WOOT!

 

 

 

Haha, you said what I was going to say. You no lifer #-o

 

(In good terms, Congratz :D)

 

 

 

And, everyone forgot about Mrs. Semi-Colon.

Return of the Archimage Review :

 

I was asked to take a look so I am not just randomly bumping an old story.

 

 

 

Ok then. First thing is first...the story moves too quickly. I got the sense that this servant/peasant wasnt actually a servant or a peasant, they were someone who was going to come from that background and then be this hero with nothing but a generic personality. This judgement I cannot say that I came to though because the story moved too fast for that. What have we got? One day and two nights...no sleep obviously...The first night:

 

I liked the opening. The dim light at the end of the dark, damp tunnel is excellent alliteration, and, though well used, is not clichéd. Then we have a much more generic second sentence, immediately telling me that this was going to be a fairly straight forward story. A young man...we dont know who this person is, to be honest we dont care...this is a random person who is in a tunnel, while no doubt it could inspire us to think of a prisoner escaping from a waterfall prison, it doesnt. We do not have a moment to think and reflect on this information, bringing me to the general lack of description that plagues the whole story. Third sentence doesnt work with the second sentence. When I think of hurrying I thing of someone who is maybe jogging...they are going at a steady speed, faster than walking but they are not really running or anything, then we get collapsed to the ground with exhaustion. Misspelled but what does it matter, we know what you are talking about. The point being that he has either sprinted down the corridor or he has jogged and is badly out of shape.

 

Next we have this sort of story book room description The hero was so tired that he collapsed to the ground. Once they had recovered a little they got up, grabbed a sword and spent a couple of hours practicing. First thing, NO; you never start a story with this sort of opening, unless you are very very skilled, and can pull it back in the second paragraph, or you have an awesome cover to the book... They are tired by this light exercise, meaning that they have low stamina, meaning that they cannot wield a heavy sword for more than a few minutes before getting tired out. You can also not practice on your own, if you have no idea how, learning how to use a sword takes years of practice and masses of upper body strength, not just some fancy footwork and an un-pronounceable name. Second thing, a sword is not something you find digging...despite all that Runescape teaches us. A sword, even a very dodgy one, is worth a fair amount of money, one of the main reasons that peasants didnt have them was because they cost so much, the other main reason was that they might turn on their masters...so there was no way they were getting one. To believe that this person, found a sword...outside a castle, where they work, managed to smuggle it back to their home, then managed to sneak out into the woods, and find a dark tunnel, which has a room at the end of it, is a massive leap in imagination. Coming from someone who often relies on the unseen hands of the story guiding the reader I know you cant just expect them to make a story that will fit what you write...there is a certain amount of give and take. Had it been that he has stolen it from the armoury, of an outlying barons castle (not the kings or one were the king stays.), where he works as a scribe, in the library next to the armoury, which had a window, beneath which was a flower bed or cess pool, which he had dropped the sword into...then maybe. Something like that would come out in maybe the second paragraph, the first paragraph would end with something like The lengths he had gone to get this sword, he was not going to throw this chance away because of a sore hand.

 

 

 

Second paragraph. To miss with a sword is not easy, if you do manage to do it then you fall over. Secondly if his father was a swordsman, why was he a peasant? Sure most soldiers were peasants, but only in times of war...for the most part they carried pikes or bows...Swords are expensive and limited...you cant fight long range, or defend yourself from Calvary, or do most anything really... They were used to fight duels, and to denote nobility (never ones to be intelligent). Everyone else got a stick and a knife...maybe some string. You went and sharpened some tree branches and volia you have anti-charging barricades. You tied your knife to the stick and you have a pike, capable of bringing down horses and men alike. The more common swords were the knives...think about it, your battle has broken down, its been five hours, your archers are down to their last dozen arrows, your infantry are in disarray...you need a short range weapon to fight with.

 

Finally he continued it all night long. Early in the morning he went home early the next morning he woke up Always helps to keep times consistent.

 

 

 

The day is short...nothing happened in it...we dont know what this person does, if they have friends...we know they are badly treated by the guards (not at all clichéd) but thats about it... Ok so we know they work in a kitchen...so they are fairly trained because its a fairly trained job...no wait they are washing dishes...Firstly wood warps in hot water, secondly that was if they used dishes...which was not often. The used trays to carry the big food stacks around but that was most all they did...unless they had soup of course. Again the Kings Castle is not good... Secondly fires would be lit...not fired up...early in the morning, probably around 5:30 or 6...the ones in the chambers might be left as late as 7, depends more on the individuals. After that there would be breakfast, then training (More likely watching training), then lunch, then cleaning, then afternoon lunch, then an event, then a diner, then cleaning, then supper, then fire extinguishing, more cleaning, preparing tomorrows breakfast then bed... They would be awake for much longer than the castle residency...

 

 

 

They were also usually well fed...not amazingly well fed like we are, or like the King would have been...but they were usually able to eat everything they needed to survive...

 

 

 

But then there is the classic mistake...the peasant that doesnt like the castle...who in spite of all education and experience has turned his back on the one solid thing in his or her life... Works fine on TV, but realistically it didnt happen....Against everything we are taught peasants are generally happy because they are looked after (not all of them, I grant you that, some were treated barbarically). Freedoms we take for granted were not important...why do you need freedom of speech when you can already say whatever you like...Not to everyone no...but you still cant do that now...Imagine if George Bush or Gandhi were walking down the street...you couldnt go and say Oi you....NO Well you could but the chances are you would get to Oi and be taken down by twenty secret service members....AKA everyone else in the street...Alternatively you would say it and then have that idiot look from everyone else in the street...fact is Freedom of Speech just stops people like me from telling people that religion has messed up my, and other peoples lives because of its corrupting influence on the mind...To digress Religion is like taking a harmful drug that kills your ability to think for yourself, and consider the morally wrong unforgivable and avoidable at all costs. But anyway...as for there being nothing to do...Please... It would be like an accountant going actually...I dont want to be in this high paying, if not boring and hardworking (yeah they believe that is hard work using a spreadsheet, amazing I know), job so I can become a free lance accountant. Sort of head shakingly stupid thing to do...Anyway...

 

 

 

Now we find out that actually that tunnel was a set of stairs under the castle...which has the king in...so impenetrable...Anyway he goes back to swiping at this dummy...despite making so much noise no one hears him, and locks havent been invented...obviously...Now then he can hit a dummy fairly accurately...I am reminded of Runescape....Congratulations you have achieved LEVEL 1! You are now able to GAIN EXPERIANCE!

 

But then, horror of horrors (it has been the best part of an hour so I apologise for my increasingly sarcastic toning, I am tired), a mysterious shape in the woods. No wait it is man...but he cant move! But he can stutter at him...But its frightening...but he is wielding a sword, granted he is level 1 but still... Oh he knows his name...So! I could probably have found out his name...not like the other 500 people in the village dont know it...But this is a stranger, cant you tell by the black hood, dark clothes and lack of eyes!...Oh no, a mysterious stranger with scars, obviously not very good at defending himself...

 

The true horror of horrors though is the lack of personality...Kelonius has nothing solid about him...one moment he is scared, then he is curious, then he is confused, then he is sure of himself, then he is a violent aggressive idiot, then an apologetic clerk...Nothing slightly continual about him. The whole conversation doesnt really help matters... Its the sort of conversation you imagine you would give if you were a kidnapper... Come with me and all your dreams will come true. Hmmm Well alright then, that doesnt sound dark and disturbing at all. I mean from experience (And by experience I mean from a friend) You don't deserve to be in a place like this sounds very much like what the person said before they got into the car...so to me at least this sounds very wrong...

 

 

 

Ending is very much like the story...text book for all the wrong reasons. Expectable comes instantly to my mind. There would have to be a crystal that tells the chosen one...if not that then a ring or a sword or some other artefact that will glow, set fire to stuff or rise out of the water with the lady of the lake holding it... Glowed is the wrong word if it blinded him, pulsed might fit better, but really you need to re think the Chosen to fulfil his destiny idea...Its been done and, for me at least, is not in favour. Try a more realistic, more logical and overall harder hitting attempt.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am not just attacking your story because I can. I am doing it because, A) you asked me to... B) because I dont like to see someone struggling desperately to achieve and having people, say that it is good because they cant see what can be added, and know it isnt that bad a story...like I said it was textbook, you didnt do anything that isnt understandable, you didnt waffle, like I am doing (and deleting most of the waffle as I go). You just wrote a story. This tells you were youve gone wrong, in my opinion, and hopefully how to improve on it, though towards the end I was very sarcastic so I suspect that it will not be as helpful...anyway I am always going to be around if you need help...or if you want to send an offensive email please do. Gives me a dose of humility, bit more importantly it keeps the spam off the forums.

 

 

 

For anyone reading this and thinking 'What the hell is he on, isn't a reply supposed to be shorter?' It is about twice the length(by coincidence) and no...the reply should be the story plus knowladge, plus insight, plus guidance.

 

Anyway waffling on.

Dude...major bump!

Dude...major bump!

 

 

 

He gave me a review on request. ;)