The Ratchet573 reader (with commentary!)

[Harakiri]

Welcome! Every new post will contain an old story from a long time ago.

 

I'm probably best known for my Runescape fictions. Snake and Noob and the Lost Library are probably my best known works, but as we look through, you will find a bevy of incomplete works. I will give explanations for why they are incomplete, and also update this all the time with more works that I will not post anywhere else.

 

 

 

My first story was kind of a comedy. For your understanding, I have changed it a bit, fixing some grammar. It was a stupid story about club penguin invading Runescape due to some kid having both games on tab or something like that. Just read it and make it out how you like...

 

 

 

CLUB PENGUIN VS RUNESCAPE

 

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The history of the war against the penguins is not very helpful to understanding Runescapes past, but its funny. One day the wizard mizgog was bored to death and decided to create a random portal to take him to some random place. Suddenly he was taken to club penguin where he almost froze to death. Two penguins got through the portal and entered runescape. As they waddled around the wizards tower, they were caught by a wizard and taken to Ardounge zoo. The wizard meanwhile was being tortured by the penguins. With nothing better to do he told the penguins of the riches they would find in Runescape. The penguins were happy to hear about money and gold and decided to enter the portal armed with their trademarked kill fishes. A couple wizards were slapped to death by the fish and the penguins entered Draynor where few survived the aggressive dark wizard. As they continued their quest, wizard Mizgog told the penguins in club penguin about global warming. The penguins all screamed and pretty much killed themselves when mizgog showed a green potion to them that he said contained greenhouse gases. Suddenly a giant monster came out of nowhere.

 

"Holy crap!!! A monster made it out of runescape! Oh no...Jagex created a level 522 monster today!!The Kraken! Damn the updates!!"

 

Wizard mizgog began shooting at the kraken with powerful spells. Suddenly the creator of club penguin appeared. He was short with a pointed noise, a tuxedo on and had an umbrella in his hand. He had a bunch of penguins behind him with red and white rockets strapped to their backs.

 

"You have destroyed my game, a culmination of my life's work and many of my closest friends. Now look at it! Suicidal penguins, level 56 green house gases (thank you jagex, thought mizgog), and now the iceberg is melting. You bastard! Die!"

 

The suicidal penguins shot at mizgog. He dodged and watched as they rammed into the kraken. The rockets hit 26 to 35 points of damage. Suddenly a black caped figure dressed up as a bat appeared.

 

"What the hell are you doing here? You are not in runescape are you?" asked the club penguin creator.

 

"No...but they put me on a flash game on miniclips.com and now I have somehow been transported here." he answered.

 

"Some kid has you on tab and us on a tab too! Damn you children!"

 

Wizard mizgog walked up to the creator. "Don't worry, your games were made for children, our game was made for teens but loser 9 year olds now come on and be complete [wagon] and noobs. Even I have reported some and I'm an NPC!!!"

 

Wizard mizgog left the site and entered the portal back to runescape and closed it up.

 

The rest of the penguins were killed by the guards in Draynor, surrounding the prison, their body fat was used to make people become fat on runescape(damn Jagex's new updates...now look at me) and the writer of this prepared his real first story," a level 126 and his noob"

 

THE END

 

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This being my first story I ever placed on this forum, it was probably one of my worst. It was only meant for some random comedy, and achieved those ends very well. As you continue to read my works, notice the change in style, how I gradually become better. It's really neat to be able to see the development I have gone through to get where I am today (which some people would say is good, but some people say is bad...I'm running out of ideas...)

[Harakiri]

Another of my first comedies, this time regarding Noobs...

 

 

 

INTO A NOOBS MIND

 

__________________

 

Noobs. The main source of evil in Runescape. They come as macroers and little children. Today is the day that we begin to delve into that which is unknown. Today we enter, a noobs mind.

 

August seventeenth 2006. A noob names cryfet5 took his first look at lumbridge. Thinking he could get some free stuff since he was a noob he began yelling "Please give free stuff to a poor noob." Nobody answered. Let us delve into his mind.

 

I need some free stuff. I am just a beginner! Come oon! You Damn level 126 noobs! If your so rich why don't you give me free money. All I have i 25 gold pieces. I need more!

 

Was that not scary? Would you like to hear the ending? Someone told him that you could get free stuff from the tutors. That noob was highly embarassed. Have you ever wondered what noobs in the past thought? The original nomads? Well, thanks to our huge memory base we can see the beginning of Runescape and what happened. December first 2001. The game just started and a nomad saw a stray cow walking around in a pasture. The noob looked down and saw its utters. Boy was this nomad thirsty. He remembered being a baby...

 

Enough said. Let us not delve into his mind for it is full of thoughts that would make the strongest of heart puke. Let us instead delve into the mind of this macroer:Asdtryuids45865.

 

While chopping yews we asked what it was like to be a computer. The macroer did not respond. Thinking it had a virus we walked off. The next day we went into its mind:

 

0010101010101110101101101101010100101010100101110101001010101

 

0101010101010110110100110010011011101010101010011001100101100

 

010101000010111110010101012...

 

Once the two showed up, this is what the macroer thought:

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Amazing. The two meant that the computer must have gotten a virus and could not compute. That will be enough of this for today. Tomorrow: Castle wars, it may be fun but what is up with the annoying high levels. True accounts of Ratchet573's that will tell you about the idiots who play castle wars.

 

Till tomorrow people.

 

 

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Not very good at all, and rather biased, but still one of my first writings.

[Harakiri]

My very random series about BlueJayFan94 based on Snake and Noob.

 

_____________________________________________________________________

 

 

 

THE BLUE JAY FILES

 

EPISODE 1

 

THE HISTORY OF THE NOOB POLICE

 

In order for me to find out some history about the noob police I journeyed to Camelot. I was allowed entrance to the castle there and I met with Merlin, who recently was saved by an adventurer who destroyed the crystal he was trapped in.

 

Me:What do you know of the Noob Police's history?

 

Him: I have been trapped in that crystal for a while, who are the Noob police?

 

Me: If you don't know who they are then why are you called the all knowing Merlin?

 

Him: It makes me sound smart.

 

After a few choice replies, King Arthur had me personally escorted out by Sir Robin and some singing fellow. The king said I had insulted Merlin by calling him the not knowing Merlin. Apparently, Merlin was only to be called that by Arthur:

 

Him: You do not call the not knowing Merlin that!

 

Me: Than why did you just call him that?

 

Him:Because I am the King and I have known Merlin for some time.

 

Me: Do you know anything of the noob police?

 

Him: Did you ask Merlin?

 

Me:

 

So sir Robin escorted me out.

 

Him: I can't believe you said that to his face. So mean of you.

 

Some Guy: Brave Brave Sir Robin, thinks reporters mean, Brave Brave Brave Brave sir Robin.

 

Him: Shut up!

 

Some Guy: Brave Brave Sir Robin Told me to shut up, Brave Brave, Brave,Brave sir Robin.

 

Him: Please escort yourself out, while I deal with this man.

 

So, Merlin had no clue. So I left to go to Falador, where Archimages library resided. I would ask the smartest man on earth to help me on my search for history.

 

I got there soon and it was quite a trip. Fans flocked after me.

 

Once I entered the library, Archimage set me on a comfy seat and told me to tell him what I thought were on these cards. The cards had blotches of ink on them.

 

Me: I am not here for a psychiatrist!

 

Him: Well then what are you here for?

 

Me: Knowledge.

 

Him: Very well. What would you like the knowledge of?

 

Me: The noob police.

 

Him: Ha! If the noob police put their I.Q together they would still be stupider than an autoer.

 

Me: Autoers are computers and those are smart.

 

Him: Very funny. Ha.

 

Me: What?

 

Him: Did you know that the F.B.I have a place called Third Echelon where they train these spies called splinter cells to infiltrate the worlds most top secret places. The Russian embassy seems to have nukes hiding under it.

 

Me: WHAT?

 

Him: Oh, I was just saying how great a hacker I was.

 

Me: Please teach me about the Noob police.

 

Him: I have much better things to learn about than a bunch of buffoons who help people who cannot cope with, out of all things, Noobs!]

 

So I would not get anything out of Archimage. I had to find someone. But who? Then it hit me. I would go to the noob police headquarters!

 

The walk there was simple. The building was tall and rectangular. I entered to a sitting room where I read runesweek for a while. Then in came Blue Jay.

 

Him: How you doing?

 

Me: All right.

 

Him: What you want to learn about? Our methods? Our weapons?

 

Me: Your history.

 

Him: Did you graduate college?

 

Me: Yes why?

 

Him: No wonder.

 

Me: What?

 

Him: Nothing.

 

Me: So lets hear some history.

 

Him: Well we started in the first age.

 

Me: Any specific date?

 

Him: No. And if there was I would not care.

 

Me: What happened when it started?

 

Him: Uh...what do you think?

 

Me: I dunno.

 

Him: I thought you graduated college.

 

Me: I did.

 

Him: Than you should have read it out of the history books.

 

Me: I did not take history classes!

 

Him: Than why do you care all of a sudden.

 

Me: Its for a T.V show!

 

Him: With that camera, looks like your taping a black and white no sound movie.

 

AHAHAHAHAHA

 

Me: What was that?

 

Him: Oh, the history channel is making a documentary on the history of this place.

 

Me: Why didn't you tell me you knew something about this place?

 

Him: Because I don't! They have the college textbook.

 

So my journey took me to the cells, where the history channel were taping a show on the jail. The camera man had the camera on a tripod and a history book in his hands.

 

Him: Chapter 2 Jail Time.

 

Me: Let me borrow that book.

 

Him: No. Look man I am making a documentary.

 

Me: Let me borrow it for my show.

 

Him: Make me!

 

Me: You are beginning to sound like a guy from those dreadful Snake and Noob stories. So many random bouts of fighting.

 

Him: Did you know that the last chapter of Snake and Noob has been written.

 

Me: Than what will happen to Snake and Noob?

 

Him: Well, the author is now going to add the Noob police into the second god war and a surprise twist for ***** where he ********* ***** and ****** and his new job as a ********* ****** turns out to ****** ****.

 

Me: You just gave the whole plot summary to me! There is no point in reading them anymore!

 

Him: Sorry.

 

Me: Just give me that book.

 

Him: No way.

 

Me: Come on.

 

Him: No!

 

A very amazing thing happened. The people liked the first episode! They wanted more randomness and wanted a better name than the blue jay files. It was then called. THE RANDOM SHOW: BLUE JAY FILES!

 

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More chapters shall be placed soon! Stay tuned.

[Harakiri]

The next set of Blue Jay Files chapters!

 

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THE BLUE JAY FILES

 

(Now with 30% more WTF juice added)

 

EPISODE 2

 

A completely random episode

 

I was now on the lookout for signs of the noob polices whereabouts. It was gonna be one hell of a day when I caught up with Blue Jay.

 

Him:I told you I don't know anything about our history.

 

Me: No this episode is about your weapons.

 

Him: Wow, I did not know you were that cool.

 

Me: What do you mean?

 

Him:Well, I thought you were a dork for liking history.

 

Me: Do you read a bible of Saradomin?

 

Him: Screw Saradomin.

 

Me: WHAT? Then who do you pray to?

 

Him: No one. I prayed everyday when I was a child and look where I am now!

 

Me: Whats so bad about your job?

 

Him: What isn't? Company picnics, company paperwork, the company football matches. Oh for gods sake the WHOLE COMPANY!

 

Me: You said god...haha. And what the hell is football?

 

Him: A game.

 

Me: What kind?

 

Him: The kind you play.

 

Me: Screw you.

 

Him: You are gay!

 

Me:

 

Him: You should look at your face!

 

So I went to the Noob police headquarters where I meet the man in charge of the armory. His name was:

 

Him: What the hell are you doing back?

 

Me: Not you again!

 

Him: Not you again!

 

Me: So show me some weapons.

 

Him: Fine then.

 

Me: Where are they?

 

Him: In the employees only section.

 

Me: Can I enter?

 

Him: No you are not an employee.

 

Me: Fine, what could I sign up for?

 

Him: We need an intern.

 

Me: O.K

 

Him: Fine go talk to the boss and get a interview.

 

After reading the newest copy of Praise Saradomin, I was allowed in the offices where the boss was hard at work, playing with some action figures.

 

Him: Welcome.

 

Me: Hello.

 

Him: Your name

 

Me: Uh, I am just called the voice.

 

Him: Why?

 

Me: Because no one calls me a name.

 

Him: How about Rumplestiltskin?

 

Me: Why that?

 

Him: I don't know.

 

Me: How about killer?

 

Him: How about you leave all the questions to me in this interview.

 

Me: One question?

 

Him: Fine.

 

Me: Why are you hiding under that hood Blue jay?

 

Him: Uh, I am not blue jay, I am just a Sith.

 

Me: What?

 

Him: Fear the power of the dark side.

 

Me: WHAT?

 

Him: Nothing I am blue jay. Ha ha you are smart enough to be a lawyer!

 

Me: I was once.

 

Him: What happened.

 

Me: I said that a Chinese woman stabbed someone with a fork. And guess what?

 

Him: What?

 

Me: He was actually stabbed with chop sticks!

 

Him: So?

 

Me: I lost my job.

 

Him: So?

 

Me: No sympathy?

 

Him: Well that was a stupid mistake. Everybody knows the Chinese don't use forks.

 

Some one: Hay.

 

Him: Sorry Mr. Lee. He's the janitor.

 

So I got the intern job and was allowed in the armory after a tour of the facility.

 

Him: This is the waiting room.

 

Me: Really? I would have never guessed.

 

Him: Why is it wet over here.

 

Me: Where was the bathroom again? Just for future reference.

 

Him: This is the cafeteria.

 

Me: Why are we at the donut store?

 

Him: You noobies. So pathetic.

 

Him: This is the nooby training ground. Meet our new recruit Snake.

 

Snake: Hi.

 

Me: What are you here for?

 

Snake: Well, there was an accident and I let a Zamorakian mage take Pandora's Box and now there is a slight problem between the new god of hell and the old one. And I am here to help defeat the noobs coming from the pits of hell to help Zamorack out and save Noob from an eternity of suffering in hell.

 

Me: Nice story...made me wanna kill you because its all your fault that this war is happening!

 

Snake: Sorry. Lets see you do better.

 

Me: I could!

 

Snake: Lets see you.

 

Me: O.K please don't punch me. I am just, uh, so forgiving of you for bringing the land to war.

 

Snake: I don't like you.

 

Me: And I don't like you.

 

Him: And I won't like either of you if you don't shut yourselves up and watch the training video.

 

Welcome to the training video. Thank you for watching the training video.

 

Me: Uh, what the hell was that?

 

Him: Oh, the video.

 

Me: I did not learn anything!

 

Him: What do you expect to learn?

 

Me: What methods to use...

 

Him: What should you care? Your our intern!

 

Snake: What about me?

 

Him: You get an informational pamphlet.

 

Snake: These are stick figures beating on each other.

 

Him: So?

 

Snake: What am I to learn from this other than that you can not draw.

 

Him: That was giant blue jay who drew that.

 

Me: Who is giant blue jay?

 

Bird: Caa Caa Caa.

 

Him: You will find out more about him.

 

Me: Good lets go.

 

Him: Good this episode is over. Next time you will meet him.

 

(No one here was payed to say anything. They are not actors. We swear!)

 

 

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[Harakiri]

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THE BLUE JAY FILES

 

(This is not a by product of Russia)

 

EPISODE 3

 

A GIANT BIRD

 

Him: Oh crap, I had not realized that this would be a back to back episode kind of day.

 

Me: Yay I get to see a giant Blue Jay!

 

Him: I know...is it not the most amazing thing ever?

 

Me: When do I get to see the weapons anyway?

 

Him: Soon, we are getting there.

 

Me: Good.

 

Him: Follow me to the bird cage.

 

The bird cage was huge and the bird was a beauty. It was blue.

 

Me: That bird is Blue!

 

Him: Great observation. It is a blue bird.

 

Me: Is it a he or a she?

 

Him: I really don't know. Maybe I should check.

 

Well that was my undoing. The next time I saw Blue Jay conscious was on a stretcher.

 

Him: You are paying my medical bills.

 

Me: Why?

 

Him: You asked me to do that.

 

Me: Like I knew birds were sensitive!

 

Him: I might sue you to.

 

Me: WHAT?

 

Him: I need a lawyer though.

 

Me: I am a lawyer.

 

Him: Hired.

 

As you can see this show was going way off script and well, Oh, did I say script? I am sorry. So used to that word. It was not going according to plan.

 

The judge was a nice lady. She was amazed at the way I defended Blue Jay and also fought for my own case.

 

Me: My client says that on the date of the twenty fourth of July.

 

Me: Rejection your honor.

 

Me: WHAT?

 

Me: It was the twenty fifth so oooo.

 

Me: And you are going to lose this case.

 

Judge: And I am getting annoyed as hell.

 

The Court ruled in favor of Blue Jay because all the people were conned before hand with the money I had to give to Blue Jay for winning.

 

Conning the money off my mom was hard.

 

The next day at work, we were heading for the armory.

 

Me: I can't wait!

 

Him: Opps, the door is locked. Now where is that key. This one? Nope.

 

Me: Hurry!

 

Him: This one? Nope not this one.

 

Me: Hurry please.

 

Him: Why?

 

Me: I just have this instinct telling me something bad is about to happen.

 

Him: Well what if I told you I lost the key? Is that the bad thing?

 

Me: Wait 3,2,1...

 

RING RING RING

 

Him: WOW! YOU ARE AN AWESOME PSYCHIC.

 

Me: Whats that alarm mean?

 

Him: Will all available men report for duty.

 

Me: I am now fighting?

 

Him: Yes...please follow me...Oh, Snake follow me.

 

Me: Are we gonna break into the armory?

 

Him: Nope.

 

Me: Then where are we gonna get weapons.

 

Him: Here.

 

Me: Off a tree.

 

Him: Everybody pick a branch and see who got the biggest and sturdiest one next episode.

 

Me: That was a short episode.

 

Him: I know.

 

Me: Why is that.

 

Mysterious voice: Because...I feel like it.

 

Me: You! You are...

 

Mysterious voice: Thats right, your creator.

 

Me: Mommy?

 

Mysterious voice: Ha...your mom created you, who can say transsexual?

 

Me: You made me say that!

 

Mysterious voice: No I did not!

 

Him: Ha, our intern was created by a manwoman.

 

____________________________________________________________________

[Harakiri]

Man, I loved to tie series together, maybe a new series will pop up that will do this (Hint hint...)

 

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THE BLUE JAY FILES

 

(servings per episode= 2 many)

 

Episode 4

 

War with sticks

 

Him: Prepare your sticks!

 

Snake: Mine is flimsy!

 

Me: Ha mine is...

 

Snake: Snatch!

 

Me: Hay, that was uncalled for!

 

Snake: Ha ha.

 

War. War is when two or more people in different groups fight each other. I thought it was cool that we were going to war. But the sticks we were using were hardly weapons at all. I had a strange feeling about Snake though, as we marched off to our warzone.

 

The battle was intense, and thankfully we just watched. There was a nice river in the way so we sat and had a picnic. Nothing fancy. Just our emergency rations. Stale Quaker Oat Bar anyone?

 

Soon we said screw it and left back to the Noob Police station where Blue Jay discovered that the keys to the armory were in his pocket the whole time.

 

The armory had glass cases everywhere, showing armaments beyond anyones imagination.

 

Me: So what is this one?

 

Him: A mind rune.

 

Me: Whats it do?

 

Him: Makes us feel smart when we hold it.

 

Me: Can I hold it?

 

Him: Sure, handle it carefully.

 

Me: Not feeling very smart.

 

Him: Well that just sucks huh? I will take that.

 

Me: What is this?

 

Him: A cape.

 

Me: Whats it do?

 

Him: When we throw it over people, they scream and run into something yelling " I am blind." For some reason when we take this off them, their eyes are not there and it looks like they were terrible burned.

 

Me: Because of this LCD Light implanted on the inside?

 

Him: Oh, how'd get there?

 

Him: And finally...

 

Me: A real weapon?

 

Him: A banana.

 

Me: WHAT?

 

Him: What if a nuke is coming at us and we have run out of people and limbs to eat. There is always a banana.

 

Me: How will you unpeel it?

 

Him: I DON"T KNOW!

 

So with that, I left. I went on to bigger and better things. I went back to Archimage Studios.

 

Him: Welcome back.

 

Me: Yup.

 

Him: Successful video?

 

Me: Somewhat.

 

Him: Took you long enough to get a tour of the place.

 

Me: Sorry, I had to learn other things you know.

 

Him: So...

 

Me: This is gonna be on T.V!

 

Him: No its not!

 

Me: WHAT?

 

Him: Not till we get a video of you infiltrating the building and seeing how penetrable it is.

 

Me: WHAT?

 

Him: Archimage's request.

 

Me: Archimage can stick it up his...

 

HIM: I can what? I am sorry, I can't hear much over the radio waves.

 

Him: He is making fun of you sir.

 

HIM: What? The enemies are stuffing rare spinach roles down our throats?

 

Him: No sir.

 

HIM: I better help you guys, but I have a patient here. Sorry.

 

Some guy: I ama ama ama crazyyyy, looopppy, nuuutsss.

 

The transmission was cut off and I was then made to infiltrate the Noob Police Headquarters with a camera on my head.

 

The infiltration part was easy. I just put up a sign for free donuts over the mayors house. Now I was in and nothing happened. I walked out. And was surrounded by Noob Police.

 

My capture was violent:

 

Him: Your coming with me sir with funny head.

 

Me: Its a camera.

 

Him: Are you back talking me?

 

Me: No.

 

Him: Back talk me again!

 

Me: What'cha gonna do about it tubby.

 

Him: Use this tazor.

 

Me: AUGH! THE PAIN! YOU BAST...

 

Him: 2000 volts.

 

Me: I AM GONNA Pass out

 

The court case was swift and I had to do a years worth of community service, for the noob police. And the T.V show I was making was now live and stupid. And just when I entered the Noob police report startled us.

 

THIS IS THE 6:02 NEWS

 

Me: Oh my god.

 

Him: Oh my god.

 

Some guy: These are the best news people ever.

 

WE ARE LIVE AT AL KHARID WHERE THE EVIL ZAMORRAK MAGE WHO RESURRECTED ZAMMORAK (THANKS TO ARCHIMAGE FOR THE TIP, SNAKE WILL SEE SOME PEOPLE ON STRIKE OUTSIDE HIS HIDING PLACE TOMORROW) IS NOW RESURRECTING NOOBY, THE GOD OF NOOBS. THE NOOB POLICE ARE NOWHERE TO BE FOUND AS USUAL AND WE JUST LAY IN WAIT AS THIS WAR CONTINUES AND OUR CRAPPY LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICERS JUST SIT ON THEIR COUCHES AND WATCH THESE NEWS REPORTS. I BET THEY ARE DOING THAT RIGHT NOW.

 

Me: How'd he know?

 

Him: Damn the news channels are on to us. I guess we gotta get off our lazy [wagon] and work.

 

And so begun my first real mission with the noob police, and a real mission that almost killed me.

 

____________________________________________________________________

[Harakiri]

_______________________________________________________________________

 

THE RANDOM SHOW

 

(parenthesis)

 

BLUE JAY FILES EPISODE 5

 

NOOBY

 

Al Kharid has always been a town I hate. Sand. I hate sand. And there is not much to do. Oh wow, they have a giant mine. Maybe I would care if these stupid dummies could figure out what bug repellent was. And that dumb kid giving out old fliers...I JUST HATE HIM.

 

 

 

Him: Excuse me sir...great deals.

 

Me: Go play with some other children.

 

Him: But sir, great deals!

 

Me: You ever read those fliers?

 

Him: No, but I know there are great deals on it.

 

Me: How do you know?

 

Him: Well, I broke my brothers legs and my mom told me to hand these out to passerby.

 

Me: You people are stupid.

 

We found the Zamorrakian mage and Nooby and Snake...

 

Is this thing on? Hi my name is Archimage and I will explain to you what is going on. Snake is drawing the sword of the gods. He seems to be screaming obsceneties at the mage. The mage just told him to shove it up his. Oh lord, he is telling Nooby to attack Snake. Snake is really gonna...

 

 

 

SNAKES AUTOBIOGRAPHY

 

By: Snake

 

...and here came Nooby. Well I left hooked him and POW! He fell to the ground crying. I was about to throw him into the nearby river, but that stupid mage came up behind me and sliced my back open. Those police guys watched, so I ran back and pushed this reporter guy back...

 

 

 

...Iwas scared as hell, and I drew my sword and watched as the mage proceeded towards me calling me names. Name I heard in my childhood.

 

Him: You are weak

 

Him: You are stupid

 

Him: You are truly developmentally delayed...

 

That was it. The words that that geek back in High School used. The ones I did not understand...

 

Him: Hay everyone, look at reporter!

 

Me: What?

 

Him: You are wearing loafers!

 

Me: Because I am rich.

 

Him: No because you are developmentally delayed.

 

Me: Why not say [developmentally delayed].

 

Him: Who am I?

 

Me: A geek.

 

Him: Which means?

 

Me: You use big words.

 

Him: DUH!

 

Me: Like osteoperosis. And supercalifragelisticexpealadocious.

 

Him: I think thats a little to far. But you are developmentally delayed! HA!

 

I was ready to kill. I was honed on his head. I had my hand clenched hard on my swords hilt. Sweat fell down my arms. I was sweating like crazy. Suddenly, I ran. No thoughts. Just his blood spattering on my face.

 

I am sorry to say that that blood was my own. I scratched that mage. JUST A SCRATCH!

 

Snake jumped in again...

 

 

 

SNAKES AUTOBIOGRAPHY

 

By: Snake

 

...and I mean, how could that reporter be so stupid? I am gonna swing my sword back in forth like a scythe when you are cutting the brush. I mean come on man. Noob could have done better.

 

Well I jumped in and cut that dudes robes off. I mean, they fell. This dude was wearing nothing but a speedo. Don't ask me.

 

This dude was pissed and I could tell by the fire coming from his eyes. And that last sentence was not to tell how mad he was. He really was burning.

 

Nooby took a fork and tried to relinquish the flames. It did not help. I watched the out of control mage run around. Fire started everywhere and sand was being turned into glass. The glass was terribly soft in this one spot and the mage fell into it. The glass moulded around him and that was the end of his magic freakshow.

 

 

 

The fire stopped and I asked him what happened...

 

Him: I just went nuts when you made me exposed.

 

Snake: Sorry, and by the way, why are you wearing a speedo?

 

Him: Why were you looking are you gay?

 

Blue Jay: Why have I not been in this episode? This is my show right?

 

Me: No it is called the random show.

 

Him: Oh my god! I am on The Random Show? I love that show!

 

Me: Its only been on for four episodes.

 

Him: SO? I LOVE IT!

 

Me: Well thanks a lot.

 

Him: You are so welcome!

 

Nooby: Hi everyone, have you seen my undies yet?

 

Everyone: OH MY ********************************!!!

 

Well I am sorry to say that we had to see that. Well, we were now after Nooby, who thought we were playing tag.

 

 

 

MORE FUN ADVENTURES NEXT EPI...

 

Mage:What about me?

 

UH, YOU ARE STUCK THERE.

 

Mage: YOU BASTARDS...

 

WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT MY FRIENDS? I WILL SQUISH YOU!

 

OH GOD...Two lines of words...kill...ing...me. Good...bye...

 

THATS THE END FOLKS TUNE IN SOON FOR MORE!

 

 

_____________________________________________________________________

[Harakiri]

One of my favorite episodes!

 

_______________________________________________________________________

 

THE NOOB POLICE TELETHON!!!

 

Yeah, welcome everyone to the second annual Noob Police Telethon.

 

Me: There was a first one?

 

Some guy: That was last year when they actually did their job.

 

I am so sorry for that rude interuption. Now then we will start with three minutes on the clock. We are looking to make about three hundred thousand dollars more than last years twenty two million. Ready? Call!

 

...................

 

...................

 

........RING!

 

Him: Hello? Is there a mister Seymoure [wagon] here? Nope I am sorry sir. Goodbye.

 

.............

 

Two minutes!

 

...RING!

 

Him: Would you like to give us some money? Wow! Well thanks.

 

Well?

 

Him: My brothers wife is having a BABY!

 

Well congrats...

 

Him: Uh, Who cares? That means I am an Uncle.

 

So?

 

Him: I have to waste my money on the little snot.

 

RING!

 

Him: Yes. Oh, your watching the show. Well uh, wrong number.

 

.............

 

.....RING!

 

Me: Hello? Oh and how much is this donation? We do accept millions of dollars. Why sir? Bastard! Hello? Hello?

 

DO ANY OF YOU KNOW HOW TO DO ONE OF THESE?

 

RING!

 

Hello? Why thank you.

 

Him: How much?

 

A donation of two coins.

 

Me: WOW!

 

He gets a gold star on our bulletin board. Oh, does this sign say people who gave us lots of money? Lets change that.

 

Me: It says: People who actually gave us money.

 

Yup.

 

RING!

 

Yes? Archimage studios wishes to donate? How much? A paper clip. Great thanks.

 

Another star on the wall.

 

Me: This sucks.

 

Oh no. Times up. Now then lets count how much we made....

 

TWO DOLLARS AND A PAPER CLIP!

 

Me: HOORAY!

 

Now lets talk to someone here who is also gonna be someone you can donate money to.

 

Aubury: I am here to get money so we can continue the researching of runes.

 

THREE MINUTES! START!

 

RING!!

 

RING!!

 

RING!!

 

RING!!

 

RING!!

 

Me: WE HAVE TO MANY CALLS! THIS IS OVERWHELMING ME!

 

Oh you wuss!

 

Him: OH NOES! MY PHONE!

 

BOOM!!!

 

Me: OH MY GOD YOUR PHONE!

 

Him: ITS ALL OVER THE PLACE!

 

Aubury: Why is there a piece of phone wedged in my head?

 

Oh let me pull that out.

 

RING!!

 

RING!!

 

RING!!

 

RING!!

 

Me: SAVE ME!

 

RING!!

 

RING!!

 

RING!!

 

BOOM!

 

Aubury: Oh my god! When will the phones stop attacking me?

 

Well uh, please hand in the donation sheets.

 

Bonnie in Varrock gives Aubury twelve thousand dollars.

 

James gives Aubury twenty two thousand dollars

 

LATER:

 

Ralph from Falador gives Aubury eleven thousand dollars.

 

MUCH LATER:

 

Phil gives Aubury his childs college fund.

 

O.K, thats over! Very good. Aubury makes:

 

250,025,365

 

No way!

 

Aubury: Thanks guys!

 

Now its time for the white knights of falador to take your pledges...

 

RING!!

 

I HAVE NOT EVEN TOLD YOU TO START CALLING YET!

 

____________________________________________________________________

[Harakiri]

_______________________________________________________________________

 

THE NOOB POLICE NEED MONEY!

 

A BLUE JAY FILES SPECIAL EVENT

 

Blue Jays attempt:

 

Voice: THIS IS...Jeopardy.

 

Him: I am Archimage and today we will figure out random and pathetically hard questions. Blue Jay gets first choice.

 

Blue: I pick stopping noobs for 100.

 

Him: These people are police, specializing in stopping noobs.

 

Blue: Uh, the Bush Administration?

 

 

 

AS YOU CAN SEE HIS FIRST ATTEMPT DID NOT WORK.

 

Voice: WELCOME TO THE PRICE IS RIGHT!

 

Him: I am Archimage and this is the Price is Right. Here is our first item up for bid.

 

Voice: This beautiful blue police box that seems to be unlockable.

 

Audience: OOOOOOHHHHHH!!

 

Voice: Its uh, Blue and Uh...just bid!

 

Blue: 500 fivers Archimage.

 

Him: What?

 

Blue: Learn your math.

 

Him: Learn to play.

 

Some guy: You guys need to learn to not take things that are not yours!

 

Him: Who are you?

 

Some guy: The doctor.

 

Him: How'd you get in? What is that?

 

Some guy: A sonic screwdriver.

 

Him: Whats it...Ouch.

 

Some guy: Oh, hello. He is just knocked out. And i would run if I were you.

 

Blue: You are funny.

 

Some guy: Bye then.

 

Robot: EXTERMINATE!

 

BLUE ESCAPED BY THROWING A RACCOON AT THE GARBAGE CAN SHAPED THING.

 

 

 

SNAKES ATTEMPT:

 

Him: Welcome back to wheel of fortune. The clue is "Saying".

 

PLEASE

 

-UCK

 

ME

 

--

 

Him: Snake would you like to answer?

 

Snake: Uh. ***************************

 

Audience: Oh my god!

 

Him: NO NO NO!

 

Snake: What?

 

Him: There go our ratings. Ann you want to answer?

 

Ann: Please tuck me in?

 

Him: Thats right!

 

 

 

SNAKES SECOND ATTEMPT:

 

Snake: Step right up. Lots of fun! Play my slot machine.

 

Kid: Can I try mom?

 

Mom: After me honey.

 

AFTER 50 ATTEMPTS:

 

Mom: This is rigged!

 

Snake: Why do you say that?

 

Mom: The slots don't even move when I pull the lever!

 

Snake: Oh, well, I gotta go.

 

 

 

MY ATTEMPT:

 

Me: I am ready for this fight.

 

Sumo: [garden tool] Hee Ha!

 

Me: Grr!

 

Sumo: GRRRR!

 

I AM IN THE MIDDLE:

 

).)

 

Goodbye dear world.

 

_____________________________________________________________________

[Harakiri]

_______________________________________________________________________

 

THE RANDOM SHOW

 

THE BLUE JAY FILES

 

(Don't think I write this from my mothers basement)

 

It was the day we had been waiting for. Castle Wars day. Noob Police against the police. We would win.

 

Once we were on our separate teams, the battle began.

 

Him: O.K people we have to devise a plan.

 

Me: Kill everyone in our way as we steal the flag.

 

Him: No. We will all defend our flag.

 

Me: Don't we want someone getting the enemies flag?

 

Him: Yeah, you.

 

Me: ME?

 

Him: ARE YOU DEAF? CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW?

 

Me: YES!

 

Him: Good.

 

And so the battle began. I grabbed some band aids.

 

Him: What the hell are you doing?

 

Me: Getting some band aids.

 

Him: What the hell are you?

 

Me: A human.

 

Him: No other than that.

 

Me: A mammal.

 

Him: NO!

 

Me: For gods sake man I am not deaf.

 

Him: WHAT?

 

Me: Go away.

 

I exited and fled down stairs.

 

Him: Why are you taking the stairs?

 

Me: To get down.

 

Him: Only old people use stairs.

 

Me: Than what do you use?

 

Him: Ladders.

 

Me: Really?

 

Him: Yeah watch.

 

He walked out of the room we started off on.

 

Him: Damn! I should have known that you don't slide down it.

 

I ran down the stairs only to meet a barricade.

 

Me: Which [wagon] put this here?

 

Him: Me!

 

Me: Why?

 

Him: To protect our flag.

 

Me: Oh god here comes someone!

 

Him: Where? Oh please don't! AUGH!

 

Bad guy: Ha HA HA!

 

Me: I am gonna kill you!

 

Him: No I am...

 

Bad Guy: How the hell do you trip over a barricade?

 

Me: I don't know! Hay, Blue Jay tipped it over! I have escaped!

 

Bad Guy: And I shall kill you!

 

Snake: Hay look everyone I am Legolas.

 

Snake was acting stupid and sliding down the stairs on his shield. At the bottom step he flew threw the air and somehow the shield decapitated the bad guy.

 

I ran up to the wall and saw our mages. And Blue Jay.

 

Him: Come on! Help us attack!

 

Me: I can't use range or mage!

 

Him: Well, neither can I!

 

Me: How are you helping then!

 

Him: By doing what Yu-Gi-Ohs friends do.

 

Me: What? Be gay?

 

Him: No! Encourage him!

 

Me: With what?

 

Him: Watch. Go young man go...what are you doing? Don't kill him he is one of ours.

 

Baddie: You are aware I am a bad guy.

 

Him: Maybe.

 

This ended with Blue Jay's death. But upon return...

 

Him: You killed me!

 

Baddie: And I will again.

 

Him: No you won't!

 

Baddie: Band-Aids?

 

Him: Yup.

 

Baddie: How nice of you to patch me up...my eyes!

 

Him: Ha, now lets use this cannonball...

 

Baddie: What? OH PLEASE DON'T!

 

Him: Bye Bye.

 

Baddie: Bye Bye? who says that any... AUGGHHHHH!

 

Blue Jay stuffed the cannonball down that guys throat. He chocked to death. The next phase:

 

Him: You.

 

Me: Me?

 

Him: No you?

 

Me: Yes that is me.

 

Him: No not me i am addressing you.

 

Me: Who?

 

Him: Close, You.

 

Me: What?

 

Him: A little off.

 

Me: Huh?

 

Him: No...

 

Me: WHAT DO YOU WANT?

 

Him: God, I am just trying to teach you something.

 

Me: I DON'T NEED LESSONS FROM YOU! WHY ARE YOU ACTING STRANGELY THIS EPISODE? You guys are usually less stupid.

 

Him: Now then. Heres the plan. We will launch the catapult like so.

 

He set it off with a rock in it.

 

AUGHH!

 

Me: Good God! You killed one of our own guys.

 

Him: So?

 

Me: Don't you care.

 

Him: Whats it matter to you?

 

Me: Whats the plan?

 

Him: We will shoot you at the enemies base! Grab their flag!

 

Me: O.K. Just don't aim me somewhere else.

 

Him: We will try.

 

Me: You saying that is reassuring.

 

Him: Really? Thank you.

 

Me: You know I am being sarcastic?

 

Him: Whats that mean?

 

Me: Look it up in a dictionary.

 

Him: Whats that mean?

 

Me: Just shoot me off!

 

And thus the chronicles of the noob police vs. the police fires up. Prepare for more next episode. The first part of the battle of the police is on!

 

_____________________________________________________________________

[mr_dude160]

Time for more blunt honesty.

 

 

 

I don't see any point in your stories anymore. For a good while I haven't seen you actually sit down and write a good part of any sort of story. Instead you post random story introductions and go from post to post like an ADD child who forgot to take his meds. Instead you just pump out post after post of horrible stories, and now you're doing a recap of them all for us?

 

 

 

I'd much rather read a post by you knowing it has some faint hint of living longer than the moment it pops into your brain, rather than seeing post after post of random story ideas you take nowhere.

 

 

 

I highly suggest improving on your CURRENT stories rather than going through and making a thread about ones that already exist.

 

 

 

Two words: Useless Clutter.

[Harakiri]

Time for more blunt honesty.

 

 

 

I don't see any point in your stories anymore. For a good while I haven't seen you actually sit down and write a good part of any sort of story. Instead you post random story introductions and go from post to post like an ADD child who forgot to take his meds. Instead you just pump out post after post of horrible stories, and now you're doing a recap of them all for us?

 

 

 

I'd much rather read a post by you knowing it has some faint hint of living longer than the moment it pops into your brain, rather than seeing post after post of random story ideas you take nowhere.

 

 

 

I highly suggest improving on your CURRENT stories rather than going through and making a thread about ones that already exist.

 

 

 

Two words: Useless Clutter.

 

 

 

If you need to know, this is kind of like Archimages thread where he [posted every story he's ever written...

 

And also, I have not posted any good stories lately because I have absolutely no audience. Everyones leaving, leaving me with a bunch of people I don't know anything about...I don't know my audience, so how could I write a good story...I personally can't write anything because the idea comes, and it never works...

 

I have not written anything good since the Lost Library...which is exactly where I am going...hee hee hee.

 

 

 

Edit: If you actually take a look at the latest Coffee shoppe issue, you might notice that I posted a story I wrote a couple yeasr back that I am rewriting and continuing to write. I'm best at Runescape fiction...

 

Maybe I will leave tip it for a while and write out some stories and post them some other time...

[issy2]

Edit: nvm this is flaming. I'm sending this via PM but I hope we can all appreciate and welcome those new to the VL instead of scorning them as not good enough to receive our writing.

 

 

 

But back to the point. Why have you posted all the Runescape playscripts? You've written some really good stuff in the past and it's obvious you can write better than this, so why all the old relatively immature dialogue? Hope you don't mind me saying that but much of your prose is better.

[Guest]

I dunno, I found that last one pretty good. Have you thought about writing comics?

[Harakiri]

I dunno, I found that last one pretty good. Have you thought about writing comics?

 

 

 

Nope...would be fun though...that was all in the Snake and Noob era when I wrote absolutely nothing that was serious...I was all comedy...I don't think I could even come up with half the stuff I did for these nowadays, as I read them, I keep wondering where I got the ideas...

[Guest]

I dunno, I found that last one pretty good. Have you thought about writing comics?

 

 

 

Nope...would be fun though...that was all in the Snake and Noob era when I wrote absolutely nothing that was serious...I was all comedy...I don't think I could even come up with half the stuff I did for these nowadays, as I read them, I keep wondering where I got the ideas...

 

 

 

You should make them into comics. Kind of perfect comic material imo.

[mr_dude160]

I'm not talking about recently. Really, I've just never enjoyed your stories. Maybe it's because the way you write doesn't appeal to me, i don't know, but I'm just calling it as I see it.

 

 

 

I never said my judgment was totally right and without flaw, just my personal opinion.

[Harakiri]

Really, I've just never enjoyed your stories. Maybe it's because the way you write doesn't appeal to me

 

 

 

Thats exactly it right there. If nothing I write appeals to you then I don't see why you complain, its a basic fact that I write stuff that has no interest to you. And I'm not writing with everyone as a whole specifically in mind, I write whatever I want to just to see what genres I'm good at and where I'm comfortable.

[jenova1692]

I'll have to agree with mr. dude here. None of you're stories appeal to me. They just seem like random ideas that you wrote down and never finished. On top of that, your writing skills are rarely any good. Like mrmegakirby said earlier, you might do well making comics, but writing anything but that is just not for you.

[Harakiri]

but writing anything but that is just not for you.

 

 

 

And your any better? Are you publishing? No? So where do you have any room to critique people about them having no writing talent? Once you've gotten published and are a New York times bestselling author, than come back and tell me I can't write.

 

As Nom says, we all need work. We're writing on a Runescape fan site, we can't be expected to write like gods of the craft.

 

But once again, when you write something that makes you better than some random person writing stories on a fan site, than come back to me.

 

 

 

PS: Do you really think I actually post my best stuff here? Why would I do that?

[jenova1692]

Do you really think I actually post my best stuff here? Why would I do that?

 

Why would you ever post anything less than your best? I myself would be ashamed to post something if I thought it wasn't good.

 

 

 

And your any better?

 

Go read my story and tell me. I'm actually looking forward to some replies.

 

 

 

Are you publishing?

 

Are you?

 

 

 

So where do you have any room to critique people about them having no writing talent?

 

Because it is my right. Everyone who reads a story has a right to say how they liked it, whether they can do better or not. You aren't required to write an award winning novel to determine if a writer has skill or not. If you'd like, you can go to my own story and critique it. But I would advise you to tell the truth. If you give a bad review out of spite, it only makes you look childish.

 

 

 

Once you've gotten published and are a New York times bestselling author, than come back and tell me I can't write.

 

I have no intention of selling any novels.

 

 

 

As Nom says, we all need work.

 

True. I merely informed you on what you could work on. Start focusing on something you are good at. Or actually spend time on your writing rather than just spouting out whatever comes to mind.

 

 

 

We're writing on a Runescape fan site, we can't be expected to write like gods of the craft.

 

No but I myself would want to edit my writing drastically before posting it anywhere on the internet. Maybe it still sucks, but at least I know I spent time on it.

 

 

 

But once again, when you write something that makes you better than some random person writing stories on a fan site, than come back to me.

 

I write papers for my english class all the time, does that count?

 

 

 

Most of all, you need to take a chill pill. Maybe my posts come off as mean (that is just how I am), but don't take such offense. I was just telling you my thoughts. If my opinions truly don't hold any weight, then why are you taking such offense at them. As far as the writing goes... All I can say is that you need to think before you post your stories. Make sure they are clear of errors and that they feel complete. The reason I say your writing skills lack so much is because it has such little substance to it. It always seems as if you only spent ten minutes typing up the first thoughts that came to your head.

[Nom]

Ratchet, you really do need to calm down about this sort of thing.

 

 

 

Everyone else, you really have no place telling anyone that writing is not for them. Ratchet has posted quite a lot of material here, and if it isn't always polished at least he thought it good enough for other people to read and thought they might enjoy it. Or maybe he wanted criticism because he knew it needed work, but I rarely see people give good C/C anymore. I'm guilty of that myself, but I try to make a good effort when I can.

 

 

 

But I do find a bit overwhelming the amount of stuff you do post, ratchet, so maybe cut back a bit.

 

 

 

Furthermore it's perfectly understandable if he doesn't want to post his better works. Maybe he's working on a very large project that he doesn't want to compromise by posting on the internet for the whole world to see. I know I have a novel in progress that I have posted bits of, but never would I dream of putting any substantial amount of it on here. In the meantime there is nothing wrong with polishing his skills by writing short pieces, or even short-lived long ones. The idea was there, and whatever part was written just goes on the experience shelf. No amount of editing is going to completely alter a person's writing style; that only comes with writing and more writing.

 

 

 

Honestly I think there has been some good advice posted, and if it doesn't apply in particular to this thread then you can at least take note of it in the future. And I'm glad to see you others sticking around, because I share the sentiment that all of the old posters have left or are inactive and this forum has really slowed down.

[archimage_a]

I go away for...a few months...and this is what happens? Ratchet starts a thread which starts an educated flame war.

 

 

 

Ratchet. Your stuff is funny, you know it is and I know it is, but it only funny in context. We can't just post bits and peices that we can remember being funny and expect people to laugh at them, that isn't how comedy works.

 

It is true that our style of humour is not for everyone, we need to accept that that era has passed and we need to either look for new material or for new audiances, not complain that no one reads what we write anymore.

 

I know that I do complain on occation but it is always in jest, never in spite.

 

 

 

Varrock Library has always had a problem with getting replies because people come here to post, not to read(for the most part) we accept that as part of the territory. I remember getting tremendously stressy when I posted on another forum and people came back with a proper response because up until that point people had politely ignored or gone 'very good' with my stories. Later I realised what was going on and tried to spread that here, all that I found was that I was respected for my analysis.

 

 

 

 

 

As for critising...(going from Jenova's list)

 

Do you really think I actually post my best stuff here? Why would I do that?

 

I do, or at least did when I was writing substantially, that because Varrock allows many writers to come together. You get to talk to me and I get to talk to you, we get to share each others skills rather than hoarding those skills.

 

What reasons are there to keep stuff back? Unless of course you are writing a Novel. From personal experiance though BlueJay Chronicals suffered very little from being displayed here, if anything it got me though a hard period of not wanting to write and took me much further than I expected.

 

 

 

And your any better?

 

Is a potato better than a tomato? They appeal to different people and until you have tried them you cannot really judge them.

 

Ratchet I know you respect me as a writer, and hopefully other people do as well(If not then I sound very arrogant but to be fair arrogance is just confidence taken badly, at the same time I apologise for the 'urge to tell me to shut up' you may feel). If you do respect me as a writer than respect other people as writers as well. I was a noob, possibly the greatest noob in Varrock history, certainly the most prolific and yet here I am, so don't judge others based souly on what has been written.

 

In the same way you should listen to some who tells you not to smoke even though they are.

 

 

 

Are you publishing?

 

How this is important I don't know...Serouisly have you read some of the trash being published, or some of the stuff that has been posted here in the past which hasn't? Publishing is a fool's measurement.

 

 

 

We're writing on a Runescape fan site, we can't be expected to write like gods of the craft.

 

True enough, but is it fair to just accept poor writting when we see it? Should we not point it out? To be fair it is a personal choice what makes poor writing and I disagree about most of your writing, which I have read, being rubbish. I think it is quite good, but other people have an opinion and it is our duty as writers to write for our audiance.

 

 

 

 

 

So then I am going to lock this because it has degenerated. Ratchet please PM me if you want to make any serouis changes, and everyone else please respect each other and respect that we all have different tastes. We all should be able to critise each other without feeling it is a personal attack, we should be able to communicate above flaming.