MuffinMaddy Posted March 7, 2009 Share Posted March 7, 2009 NOPE Click this link for my blog that summarises my achievements on Runescape over the years Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
llamster Posted March 10, 2009 Share Posted March 10, 2009 Interesting. Ah, this reminds me about the noob on the Runescape forums who was upset with the quest "Cold War" because apparently his grandparents died in the war. :wall: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Earth_Poet Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 It's an interesting start to say the least, and I look forward to reading its conclusion if you choose to post it. We were all sat on the train. 15 of us. "15 of us" probably is not a complete sentence. You could replace the period with a comma if you choose to. Another thing that puzzles me is I lost what happened to the other girls your character was sitting with. Are they traveling together? If so, where'd they go? We sat onto the comfortable leather seats I'm not sure if it's a UK/USA difference or not, but simply saying "We sat on the..." might sound better. where I would soon reveal the mystery of G.A.H. I understand the idea of wanting to throw a carrot to your readers and build suspense, but I don't think the character would know for certain. Maybe "where I hoped to reveal the mystery of G.A.H" could work? The letters G.A.H had never had any significance to me. It wasnt a word; I had no idea what it could possibly stand for. Anyway, lets get back to the point where I left off. I would consider editing out this section from the story. The reader would already see this as some mysterious initials. It doesn't add to the suspense and slows the story down. What you could do is flashback to when the narrator found the initials and why she needed to solve the mystery. Maybe even further down explain how her journey led her here? I spoke a language that she would not understand. It wasnt English; it was a language from a distant land. From another continent. Ooh! I like this! Why is she speaking another language, and how does she know it? And why is it secretive from the audience as well? It's a nice carrot to dangle in front of the reader. Just be sure it doesn't end up a red herring. "From another continent" is a sentence fragment though. I am not sure whether the next paragraph is true or not, but this is what happened. I would suggest pretending the narrator isn't writing this down, but telling the story to the reader. Try something like, "I am not sure if what follows is true or not, but this is what happened:" You have an intriguing plot with great descriptions. I hope to read more soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MuffinMaddy Posted March 11, 2009 Author Share Posted March 11, 2009 Thanks for the detailed feedback. I have read it all and will probably use some of your suggestions! Unfourtunately my arm is broken so I can't type too much. I intended to write '15 of us' as a sentence because my teacher said she wanted to see: ~ Varied sentence length ~ Personification ~Onomatopoeia ~Similes or metaphors ~ Poetic techniques. The girls were also on the German exchange and went offf with their families. The language is from the Caribbean :P I speak it. This is mainly about me but a lot of the story is fiction. Thank you for taking the time to read it :D I'll post the updates ASAP. ;) Click this link for my blog that summarises my achievements on Runescape over the years Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Nom Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 "15 of us" is not a complete sentence. Fifteen should also be written out in word form when it begins the sentence; never start a sentence with a numerical figure. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Earth_Poet Posted March 11, 2009 Share Posted March 11, 2009 The language is from the Caribbean :P I speak it. Well, don't spoil it! :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MuffinMaddy Posted March 11, 2009 Author Share Posted March 11, 2009 "15 of us" is not a complete sentence. Fifteen should also be written out in word form when it begins the sentence; never start a sentence with a numerical figure. I edited that. Thank you though! I also used some elements of Runescape :D Couldn't think of an ending. Click this link for my blog that summarises my achievements on Runescape over the years Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sammy200 Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 Nice story Sugar : Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mylez Posted March 18, 2009 Share Posted March 18, 2009 Certainly an intresting read. :-k : Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MuffinMaddy Posted March 18, 2009 Author Share Posted March 18, 2009 Thanks, Well I read it and performed it infront of the class. I even got cheers and whoops! Couldn't have done it without your help guys. Thanks! ~Sugar Click this link for my blog that summarises my achievements on Runescape over the years Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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