Is this a good intro for my story?

 

 

 

(What's happening is kind of explained after)

 

 

 

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The beacons soft rays crept under Ethras lofty ranges; its diminishing light caught upon a broad pair of opaque glasses perched underneath a tuft of quivering hair; half-exposed sinister eyes gazing over a twilight horizon from atop a jagged outcrop, scanning the vast field below.

 

A slender entity wrapped tightly in strands of shredded black fabric silently loomed closer and embraced the shady observer from behind.

 

Bristoxyl Vaarg exhaled

 

She was pressing a gleaming stiletto to Vaargs back with her right knee at the base of his spine

 

I apologize, master, Gasped Bristoxyl driving the blade in harder, tears forming in her desperate eyes.

 

Vaarg let out a sadistic moan, allowing the sharp appendage to slide deeper into his flesh.

 

Why do you make me do these things? Bristoxyl wept.

 

Vaarg seized the sharp edge and tore it away with a groan. Blood spluttered over Bristoxyl; her hair was tainted with crimson highlights. Vaarg held Bristoxyls trembling head to his chest; her laments soaking into his dark garments as they collapsed upon one another.

 

Come now, its alright, Vaarg comforted Bristoxyl caressing her exposed arms.

 

She turned eyes up to meet his, only to be shocked by the profound glistening of those unaffectionate glasses. Vaarg removed the glasses and placed them over the drenched marbles that were her eyes. Bristoxyl sniffed and gave a half-hearted giggle.

 

They remained still, watching the beacons glow finally scatter beneath the mountains as the flickering of a dying flame.

 

Impressive walls a wasted investment, ha-ha! Vaarg cast his hand over the plain and directed his finger far-off toward a dispersed cluster of surrounded candle-lit buildings.

 

 

 

yadda yadda yadda

 

 

 

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What are your initial thoughts?

Initial first thoughts:

 

 

 

mmm.. bacon rays... (misread)

 

 

 

But great job so far, can't think of anything to criticise on. What's up with the names though?

Names too wacky for you? lol

 

 

 

They are kind of the villains, they need screwed names.

 

 

 

(Bristoxyl's name can be shortened to Bris)

Eh, it's good.

 

 

 

But I was like "what the [bleep]" is happening.

Vaarg has complete physical control over Bris (made clearer later), he's getting her to stab him as part of an infiltration plan (into a town).

The beacons soft rays crept under Ethras lofty ranges; its diminishing light caught upon a broad pair of opaque glasses perched underneath a tuft of quivering hair; half-exposed sinister eyes gazing over a twilight horizon from atop a jagged outcrop, scanning the vast field below. This is far too purple. Cut back on the adjectives, and maybe try to use similes and metaphors to achieve the same ends instead. The semicolon should not be used there; it doesn't make sense. Start a new sentence instead. Also, the gender-neutral possessive pronoun "its" has no apostrophe in it.

 

 

 

 

 

A slender entity wrapped tightly in strands of shredded black fabric silently loomed closer and embraced the shady observer from behind. Again, very purple. Why use the word "entity" when it has a different connotation to what you are trying to achieve? I had the impression that it was some sort of intangible being.

 

Bristoxyl Vaarg exhaled

 

She was pressing a gleaming stiletto to Vaargs back with her right knee at the base of his spine Clarify this. The impression I'm getting is that she has a stiletto attached to her knee. Not how a dagger is meant to be used.

 

I apologize, master, Gasped Bristoxyl driving the blade in harder, tears forming in her desperate eyes. Gasped is probably not the word you want to use. It implies surprise. Also, desperate? Why is she desperate? Or perhaps you should be using another word?

 

Vaarg let out a sadistic moan, allowing the sharp appendage to slide deeper into his flesh. A sadistic moan is not something one makes when being stabbed. Suggest you read up on what it means. Also, sharp appendage? So the blade is *part* of the woman's knee? Sort this out.

 

Why do you make me do these things? Bristoxyl wept. "Wept" is too strong a word to use here, especially in conjunction with this speech. Find another word to use.

 

Vaarg seized the sharp edge and tore it away with a groan. Blood spluttered over Bristoxyl; her hair was tainted with crimson highlights. Vaarg held Bristoxyls trembling head to his chest; her laments soaking into his dark garments as they collapsed upon one another. Far too purple. Stick to simple words. They are more effective than you'd think if you use them well. Also, inconsistencies in prose. How does Vaarg seize the sharp edge of the blade if it had just been stuck into him? If it had been pressed into his lower back, how does the blood spurt all over the woman's hair?

 

Come now, its alright, Vaarg comforted Bristoxyl caressing her exposed arms.

 

She turned eyes up to meet his, only to be shocked by the profound glistening of those unaffectionate glasses. Vaarg removed the glasses and placed them over the drenched marbles that were her eyes. Bristoxyl sniffed and gave a half-hearted giggle. Purple. Sickeningly so. You are trying too hard to make your prose sound sophisticated, and it is not working. Also, "drenched marbles" as a metaphor for eyes? Have a think about that again, and reconsider the choice of metaphor.

 

They remained still, watching the beacons glow finally scatter beneath the mountains as the flickering of a dying flame. "Scatter" suggests an erratic spread, one that is entirely inconsistent with how I would imagine the light of a "beacon" (I assume you mean the sun? In which case you should probably just say "sun") would act if it is rising from behind mountains.

 

Impressive walls a wasted investment, ha-ha! Vaarg cast his hand over the plain and directed his finger far-off toward a dispersed cluster of surrounded candle-lit buildings. "Dispersed" suggests that the buildings had been clustered, but are no longer so. It is too active an adjective to use here. Also, if they are dispersed, how are they clustered?

 

 

 

yadda yadda yadda

 

 

 

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What are your initial thoughts?

 

 

 

Comments in red.

 

 

 

Don't try to force your writing to sound complex and/or sophisticated. At best, you will generate something that is difficult to read through because of overly complicated sentence structures, and at worst, you will write something that makes no sense to people who know what the words you use mean better than you do.

 

 

 

You need to keep your writing simple. Be careful of synonyms that carry different connotations to what you are trying to evoke. When in doubt, use the simplest word, to make sure that readers know exactly what you are talking about. Remember that you are trying to write a story for people to read and understand, not for them to decode.

 

 

 

Suggest you read some Hemingway or Pratchett to get a better feel for how words and sentence construction function in prose.

The beacons soft rays crept under Ethras lofty ranges; its diminishing light caught upon a broad pair of opaque glasses perched underneath a tuft of quivering hair; half-exposed sinister eyes gazing over a twilight horizon from atop a jagged outcrop, scanning the vast field below. This is far too purple. Cut back on the adjectives, and maybe try to use similes and metaphors to achieve the same ends instead. The semicolon should not be used there; it doesn't make sense. Start a new sentence instead. Also, the gender-neutral possessive pronoun "its" has no apostrophe in it.

 

 

 

 

 

A slender entity wrapped tightly in strands of shredded black fabric silently loomed closer and embraced the shady observer from behind. Again, very purple. Why use the word "entity" when it has a different connotation to what you are trying to achieve? I had the impression that it was some sort of intangible being.

 

Bristoxyl Vaarg exhaled

 

She was pressing a gleaming stiletto to Vaargs back with her right knee at the base of his spine Clarify this. The impression I'm getting is that she has a stiletto attached to her knee. Not how a dagger is meant to be used.

 

I apologize, master, Gasped Bristoxyl driving the blade in harder, tears forming in her desperate eyes. Gasped is probably not the word you want to use. It implies surprise. Also, desperate? Why is she desperate? Or perhaps you should be using another word?

 

Vaarg let out a sadistic moan, allowing the sharp appendage to slide deeper into his flesh. A sadistic moan is not something one makes when being stabbed. Suggest you read up on what it means. Also, sharp appendage? So the blade is *part* of the woman's knee? Sort this out.

 

Why do you make me do these things? Bristoxyl wept. "Wept" is too strong a word to use here, especially in conjunction with this speech. Find another word to use.

 

Vaarg seized the sharp edge and tore it away with a groan. Blood spluttered over Bristoxyl; her hair was tainted with crimson highlights. Vaarg held Bristoxyls trembling head to his chest; her laments soaking into his dark garments as they collapsed upon one another. Far too purple. Stick to simple words. They are more effective than you'd think if you use them well. Also, inconsistencies in prose. How does Vaarg seize the sharp edge of the blade if it had just been stuck into him? If it had been pressed into his lower back, how does the blood spurt all over the woman's hair?

 

Come now, its alright, Vaarg comforted Bristoxyl caressing her exposed arms.

 

She turned eyes up to meet his, only to be shocked by the profound glistening of those unaffectionate glasses. Vaarg removed the glasses and placed them over the drenched marbles that were her eyes. Bristoxyl sniffed and gave a half-hearted giggle. Purple. Sickeningly so. You are trying too hard to make your prose sound sophisticated, and it is not working. Also, "drenched marbles" as a metaphor for eyes? Have a think about that again, and reconsider the choice of metaphor.

 

They remained still, watching the beacons glow finally scatter beneath the mountains as the flickering of a dying flame. "Scatter" suggests an erratic spread, one that is entirely inconsistent with how I would imagine the light of a "beacon" (I assume you mean the sun? In which case you should probably just say "sun") would act if it is rising from behind mountains.

 

Impressive walls a wasted investment, ha-ha! Vaarg cast his hand over the plain and directed his finger far-off toward a dispersed cluster of surrounded candle-lit buildings. "Dispersed" suggests that the buildings had been clustered, but are no longer so. It is too active an adjective to use here. Also, if they are dispersed, how are they clustered?

 

 

 

yadda yadda yadda

 

 

 

========================================================================================

 

 

 

What are your initial thoughts?

 

 

 

Comments in red.

 

 

 

Don't try to force your writing to sound complex and/or sophisticated. At best, you will generate something that is difficult to read through because of overly complicated sentence structures, and at worst, you will write something that makes no sense to people who know what the words you use mean better than you do.

 

 

 

You need to keep your writing simple. Be careful of synonyms that carry different connotations to what you are trying to evoke. When in doubt, use the simplest word, to make sure that readers know exactly what you are talking about. Remember that you are trying to write a story for people to read and understand, not for them to decode.

 

 

 

Suggest you read some Hemingway or Pratchett to get a better feel for how words and sentence construction function in prose.

 

 

 

Great.. So I've taken a step backwards from my initial version of the intro (which adhered to alot of your advice, except with more basic language).

 

 

 

I guess I should stop trusting WORD's synonyms (use that excessivly now that I think about it, probably not the best move) and writing simply to fill in space.

 

 

 

At present, the concepts for the story are a little... erratic and unstable (especially concerning the "beacon")

 

 

 

Ok... I'll go back through with all of this in mind. If there's one thing I'm good at, it's exponential improvement :

 

 

 

Thanks for the advice, I'll use it well.