A Criminal Called Love. Under Co.

[m0nkeym0j030]

Keep in mind I'm only twelve, and since my story is love based, it might not be as good as other more experienced people.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Define Love.

 

 

 

 

 

Its the greatest feeling in the world once you find it. But its also capable of being the deadliest disease if you cant hold on to it. A Criminal Called Love is a novel about two mens struggle through loves toughest obstacles. They must fight through jealousy, pain, and endure countless, gut wrenching hardships.

 

 

 

That is whats going on the back of the book, when I finish it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Intro:

 

 

 

Love is an amazing thing. It can be your best friend, or your mortal nemesis. James and Luis are both young boys, but love came to them.

 

 

 

Luis, a young mexican boy, naive to love, going after every girl he sees. Little did he know that the girl of his dreams would come by. That girl was occupied by one of his best friends, an asian named Darius. Once they started talking, they immediately became best friends, and Luis would eventually fall for her. Worried that she didn't feel the same way, he did not show Megan his true colors.

 

 

 

That part is what I wrote about my friend, he's going to add more since I don't know alot about his love life.

 

 

 

 

 

James, more experienced than Luis with love, has endured many painful bumps in the road. He found a girl that he thought was his everything. Her name was Emma. He was so happy with her, but was always too shy to say "I love you." So he would write giant myspace messages to her explaining how much he loved her. A huge bump was about to come along the way.

 

 

 

James logged onto AIM. His good friend Jerry invited him to a chatroom. He met people he saw at school, but never talked to due to his shyness. A girl named Lexi entered the room. After talking to her for at least 7 hours over AIM, he knew that he loved her. Lexi was Emma's best friend.

 

 

 

Lexi brought out a side of James noone else knew. he was no longer shy, he was never afraid to show who he really is, and what has been dying to get out. Lexi made him want to be a better man. Lexi taught him what love is. After a harsh break up with Emma, Lexi and James became friends with "benefits." He was always so shy to kiss her, but on a sunny school day on March 27, he finally leaned in to kiss her, by the front gate at school, he had the guts to lean in, and as their lips locked, a sense of magic erupted between the two. James blushed, as did Lexi. She left to go home, and James had the biggest smile on his face, he was TRULY happy.

 

 

 

 

 

Since this is based on a true story, the reason this part is longer is cause It's about me.

 

 

 

 

 

Not completely finished, as you can tell. Just started today. I'm new to this whole story-writing thng, so give me critiques and tips please.

[llamster]

If I recall correctly from a post you made a number of months ago in OT, your name is James and you had been going out with a girl named Lexi. Be more imaginative with your names. Please. If this is supposed to be some sort of third-person autobiography then say so.

 

 

 

As for the story itself, it reads more like a plot description than a story. You need a lot more detail. A major event in the story should take up more than a paragraph or two. Also, providing only a person's ethnicity as a character description makes you sound racist.

[issy2]

Hello, haven't seen you around before : )

 

 

 

This is going to sound quite vague and potentially irrelevant, so just bear with me, ok?

 

 

 

One thing you have to realise about stories, and successful stories, is that they are vehicles for something else - the emotion. Two things are needed to create a successful story - the technical skill, (spelling, grammar, sentence, paragraph and plot structure) and the emotional/artistic capability to create emotion, involve the reader, make them feel for the characters. Of course there are no rules when it comes to art, but all the same there are going to be certain things you can do to improve a piece of writing. I was talking to my dad the other day about music production - he was saying how there are producers who are technically incredibly good, have amazingly sensitive ears, know a vast amount about sound, acoustics, and the like - and yet they lack the sensitivity to make the listener feel. They can create things which aren't emotionally successful, which fail to engage, fail to leave the listener feeling the intended emotion.

 

 

 

Going back to the first thing I said, in many cases a piece of writing that may be deemed 'good' is often a vehicle for emotion. (although I guess that's a tricky thing to define...) Good stories, books, fairytales - they will all be based on themes. Think of any book you like, and write a mental list of the themes it involves - they'll be several at least. But you can't start a book with the theme plastered all over every page, it has to be subtle, it has to be something the reader works out for themselves.

 

 

 

Let's take, for instance, Harry Potter. I'll assume you know the story? Read the first page, just a couple of paragraphs. You'll find there's not any theme mentioned there, and it's the same for others famous tales.

 

At the beginning of a tale like that, the focus is on a few characters and what's going on in their lives. It's almost a bit claustrophobic, knowing very little. I think as the tale goes on it's as though the camera zooms out - you start to see the bigger picture, more characters, more history, more development, and the focus zooms out even more, and you see a bigger picture still, with those characters you love or hate at the very centre - they're the focal point of attention, still at the forefront of the mind, but behind them are the themes that have influenced them the whole way through, the things that the reader should be -perhaps subconsciously? - thinking about.

 

 

 

theme, noun - an idea or principle explored by the author

 

 

 

Now, back to the point! : The theme of your story is very obviously love. But the reader shouldn't know that in the first line. Or, at the very least, it shouldn't be told to them in the first line. As I heard once - authors shouldn't talk, they whisper. If, for instance, it was a printed book, the reader would probably already have a reasonably good idea of the subject matter - through the blurb, cover, title, maybe reviews, etc. But the focus needs to be on the characters and plot, which leads to thought about the themes. Not the other way around.

 

Basically, I would suggest you fill it out a lot - detail detail. Start with a scene, maybe - and maybe include a very short description of the characters within that scene, but for the most part let knowledge of the other characters come from their actions, their speech and movements, the words you choose. Try and work out a scene in your head where some of the main characters can be present, and their main qualities are all apparent in that scene.

 

 

 

 

 

Sorry this has been so long, hope I haven't bored you to death XD Sorry if it seems totally irrelevant lol. I love the title btw, a criminal called love - very nice. Also how long are you intending it to be?