Need some C/C really quickly - short story

[Wongtong]

It was a late Sunday afternoon when we decided to run away. I had never felt the need to get away but something about today felt different. I remember hesitantly dialling your number, nervousness clawing at my throat as you picked up. Ten minutes later, I was running towards your house with nothing except for the clothes on my back and a grin on my face. It had been five years since we had last spoken before I called you five years, can you imagine that? Of all the people, I chose you to run away with. I clambered into your car as you chattered nonsensically about how much you had missed seeing my face and hearing my voice; something cheesy like that. Although I didnt admit it, it was nice to see you too.

 

 

 

Now here we are, driving towards nowhere in particular. Your warm, joyful guffaws and numerous anecdotes had trickled down to a gentle stream of awkward silences and nervous laughter. For some reason I wasnt offended by your silence or prominent nervousness; I instead felt comforted and smiled to myself as we drove past a bakery. I rolled down the window and began to breathe in the sweet, nostalgic scent of pineapple buns that my mother used to bake when I had had a bad day at school. Stop here. I demanded firmly, cutting through the silence.

 

 

 

Why here? you panted, jogging after me.

 

Whats wrong with it? I retorted sharply.

 

Well, what kind of person would go to their primary school on a day like this?

 

I walked off as you stood there searching for answers. My fingers traced along the frame of the rusting monkey bars that I had been too weak to play on as a child. There were many memories hidden amongst the bark of this playground and I hummed to myself as everything came flooding back. This was where I met you. This spot behind the trees by the monkey bars. I remember trying to find a perfect spot for hide and go seek, and had instead stumbled upon you. Tears had streamed down your pale skin as you screamed for help. That moment is so vivid to me; I remember struggling to breathe and being lost for words as I saw your frail body behind the tree. It was only out of fear that I had carried you to the sick bay. That day my mother bought me three pineapple buns for being a brave girl.

 

 

 

I clambered up a tree and laughed to myself as I noticed you searching for me with a worried face. Im up here! I yelled below to you. You walked towards me and stopped in your tracks. Whats wrong? I questioned as my face grew hot and I felt a pang of nervousness.

 

 

 

I think its time to go home, you whispered shakily.

[Pirate_Felix]

Why here? you panted, jogging after me. Whats wrong with it? I retorted sharply. Well, what kind of person would go to their primary school on a day like this? I walked off as you stood there searching for answers. My fingers traced along the frame of the rusting monkey bars that I had been too weak to play on as a child.

 

 

 

I think when dialogue switches to another person you need an enter inbetween, like this:

 

 

 

Why here? you panted, jogging after me.

 

Whats wrong with it? I retorted sharply.

 

Well, what kind of person would go to their primary school on a day like this? I walked off as you stood there searching for answers. My fingers traced along the frame of the rusting monkey bars that I had been too weak to play on as a child. There were many memories hidden amongst the

 

 

 

 

 

at least its this way in dutch. dont really know about english.

[Wongtong]

Why here? you panted, jogging after me. Whats wrong with it? I retorted sharply. Well, what kind of person would go to their primary school on a day like this? I walked off as you stood there searching for answers. My fingers traced along the frame of the rusting monkey bars that I had been too weak to play on as a child.

 

 

 

I think when dialogue switches to another person you need an enter inbetween, like this:

 

 

 

Why here? you panted, jogging after me.

 

Whats wrong with it? I retorted sharply.

 

Well, what kind of person would go to their primary school on a day like this? I walked off as you stood there searching for answers. My fingers traced along the frame of the rusting monkey bars that I had been too weak to play on as a child. There were many memories hidden amongst the

 

 

 

 

 

at least its this way in dutch. dont really know about english.

 

Thanks so much, understood, I wasn't sure if I had to have them or not.

[BlackDawn]

It was interesting, not much more I can say then that. Pirate's right, but other then that it seems fine.

[Wongtong]

Thank you blackdawn. :D