Acting (an) Age

[Lenticular_J]

Hey folks, I'm writing a screenplay to be turned into a short film sometime soon(ish). This is the latest draft, and I'd like some criticism on it. This is a sort of middle draft. I have a few other ideas I'm working on as well, though, which you could probably expect to be up here sometime in the nearish future.

 

It has a bunch of fancy formatting, so I'm just going to link to its .pdf. Sorry for any hassle that might cause you. Here it is. I know the site's a little annoying, but I can't really help it.

 

Thanks for reading!

[l0rd]

Everything about it reminded me of something I'd watch on the Disney channel. This is not to necessarily a bad thing, but the dialogue and the basis for the plot are screaming "DISNEY!".

 

If this was made into a movie, I see it being something like that one Disney movie where the girl trades consciousnesses with her mother.

 

For a Disney screenplay I'd give it a 7/10

 

But as for a general screenplay I'd give it a 2/10

[hiimben]

I found that it felt rather short, and the dialogue and actions didn't seem to fill out the time. Cut out the stage directions/lighting cues, you're left with 2 pages of fairly weak dialogue.

 

I think the main problem is you haven't developed the situation enough. In a nutshell, the action points of the story are :-

 

1) Guy goes to school.

2) Friends acting responsible, teachers acting irresponsible.

3) Guy just rolls with it.

 

Which isn't very compelling. One of the main reasons for story writing is to have a point, which this story lacks, and I truly feel it comes down to it being incomplete.

 

Characters need to be developed more, which could be achieved on film via a montage or short intro sequence, which I would detail in the opening paragraph of your screenplay. We need to care about what happens to the characters.

At the moment there doesn't seem to be any depth in character,the whole play is very low key, the strongest emotion the main character feels is confusion. The story could easily gain an emotional depth by introducing notions of

betrayal, desperation and isolation. I personally would explore the struggle the guy has in accepting this new society.

 

Not sure if you're aware of it, but I studied it in English class and it helped me analyse comedy a bit. Northrop Frye's approach to the structure of comedies states that comedy arises from the progression of one society to the next, which can be applied

to your text. The old society being the typical society of the modern day era, and a forced new society in which roles are reversed, another common comedic technique.

 

If you were aiming for a comedy, I would suggest his attempts at adopting the new society could incorporate over the top, bad attempts at mimicking the behaviour. Awkwardness and surrealism could stem off that fairly easily, and without going into too much depth

as it would not be your creation, could create highly comedic moments with density and relevance.

 

If you were aiming for a drama, you would focus on his emotional struggle and his reluctance to embrace the society. For a hard hitting emotional ending, you could show him conforming to the society, leaving the audience to insinuate he is still unhappy with the situation.

 

I don't want to tell you to do this, or do that idea as it would burden your creative license, but I would insist you add some emotional depth to the story, as that is in essence why people watch or do anything, to get some sort of emotion out of it, be it joy, sadness, inspiration, whatever.

 

And I don't mean to shoot down your idea like that. I know it can be discouraging for anyone to receive heavy loads of criticism, and as an aspirational writer I would hate to be knocked off my pedestal. But I feel that I would appreciate a checklist to incorporate into my own work to improve my writing, as opposed to light hearted dancing around the issue.

 

Also, my vision of your story is more than likely far different than yours so feel free to discuss it with me, or if you want to talk to me about writing, or film making or anything like that, as it's one of my passions too.

[Lenticular_J]

Lord: Haha, well, it certainly isn't meant to be extremely serious. Or, you know, serious at all. A good Disney screenplay is really not bad for me. I haven't put as much effort as I should have before showing it to you guys. And a 2/10 sounds kind of generous to me at this stage.

 

Ben: Well, if I'm to make it into a real film and send it into festivals (can't say I seriously expect to win anything more than a pat on the back), it has to be short. And I have a budget of just about zero dollars. Everything I do with this comes out of my pocket, so I can't make it long.

 

I understand I need some emotional depth, but I've always had trouble with that. I just don't understand how to really create it - at least, with words it's difficult. I might be able to jury-rig something if you're actually able to see all the stage directions and everything, some subtle movements and hear tones of voices, that sort of thing.

 

Oh yeah, the rolling with it is something I'm trying to fix. Honestly it's temporary until I find something better - I had that last half-page or so and had to fill it with something or else I couldn't concentrate. It's almost a band-aid, perhaps a little more. I have a few ideas, but most of them are very complex and change the whole script. Anyways, I'm not totally sure what I've been aiming for with it, but I've been told it is very reminiscent of a bit more childish version of an episode of the Twilight Zone. I couldn't think of a more specific example, so that really is pretty close. I'd played with the idea of shooting in black and white, but when you're working with reflectors and light dampening instead of professional equipment, black and white is incredibly impractical.

 

I just struggle at being able to make more emotional depth to a character. I could probably give you a damn biography, but depth is just so ... difficult for me.

 

I have a book full of short screenplays, though, and I'm toying with a couple of other ideas. If I actually bring any to fruition, I'll totally throw them up here. 5 pages isn't difficult for me to write - I can handle that in a few hours, easy. It's perfecting it - or at least getting it pretty close - that I can't seem to do.

 

I have to ask you a question though. And, anyone else who reads this: if someone at your school made a film and had a sort of premiere at your school's auditorium (or whatever), would you go if you didn't know much about it (I would assume no)? What would make you think, "Hey, this is pretty neat. I should go!" because appealing to an audience my age is certainly my goal.

 

I would love to make a really funny one as well, but my sense of humor is certainly not explainable. I have no idea how I'd turn that into a character. I mean, I'm sure if someone who personally knew me played a character that had something of my sense of humor, it would be much easier, but I think it'd still be rough.

 

Thank you both, very much, though.

[hiimben]

I can appreciate the zero dollar budget thing all too well. Just keep in mind, Kevin Smith made a cult hit with a budget of 27grand. Now you don't need THAT much, just a camera and some video editting software.

 

As for people being interested in your work, I think people typically are interested in what their peers do. I can't speak for your area, as I live in semi-rural Australia which differs vastly to most places. But I think the mere fact that you're out there doing something, especially something which sounds as cool as making movies, people will be interested to try it out. Whether or not your film appeals to them depends entirely on the content and the audience. I feel your story, considering it's topical to your audience, could gain a positive reaction from your audience.

 

As for the emotional quality of your screenplays, it's pretty well a fact that plays require emotion and capturing it well can be extremely difficult. I think your best bet is just to try out different things, pitch them to people, exactly what you're doing now, and take in their feedback. I think simply picking a few key emotions which are deep emotions could help you. The main emotion in this play is confusion, which is a fairly base emotion, I would just try and come up with a list of strong emotions, especially if they are relevant to you, and then try to justify their place in your story, and work around that. As cliche as it is, practise can only improve your work.

 

As for humour, I had trouble defining my sense of humour a short while ago. My advice would be to write down what you find funny and then try to define it.

 

For example, I love shows like "The Chasers War on Everything", "Ali G (and other Baron Cohen Creations)" which indicates I like the natural reactions of people to absurd situations.

 

If you do that for shows you like, and subconsciously think about it often, you should soon be able to deconstruct the comedy around you and define what you like.

[Lateralus]

I just struggle at being able to make more emotional depth to a character. I could probably give you a damn biography, but depth is just so ... difficult for me.

 

Basis in reality is what is important here. Put yourself in any given situation, think how you would feel - Would your character feel the same way? If not; why not? Character depth is about forming expectations of a character and then having their actions logically progress from those expectations.

 

Also, you seem like a people watcher, but if you're not, it's essential in good writing. It's one of the areas where I'm confident about my writing because I find it difficult to immerse myself in situations instead of sitting back and viewing what is happening.