a heros story

[jin_880088]

i just left the island, the bright blinding light shined like a million suns. suddenly, i fell flat on my face. "hey look at the noob" i herd people comment. "grrr, ill show you ill train, practise and gain money and levels to defeat you all". and off i went.

 

 

 

about 1 hour of amilessly running around i stummbled apon a great castle. someone shouted to me "welcome to faladour". i thought to myself " faladour huh, maybe i can start here". i went to get some supplies i might be needing. i went to my bank got my picaxe and setted off for the dwarven mines.

 

 

 

I went down a lader that was in the middle of a dwarven compund, and found my self in a cave. i found a rocky outcrop and prospected it. i noticed it was copper, and the silver one was tin. then i rembered what i learned, "tin and copper ores make bronze bars". "yeah i can do this"i thought to myself and lifted my picaxe high in the air only to chip a bit of rock off. i tried it again, a bigger chunk fell. i tried it yet again and finaly got some copper ore. "one down, only another 400 swings". after about an hours time i walked off with my 200 tin and copper ores in my bag.

 

 

 

That morning i decided to make my ores into bronze bars. i made 100 and smithed them to form a bronze platebody, legs, kite, a long sword and a helmet.

 

 

 

about a week later, my smithing and mining skills increased. soon i was making rune items and wearing them has the days went by. that day i seen one of the people wh omade fun of me. guess what, i was stronger then him. i easily cut through him. with a smile on my face i muddered " one down, 3 more to go"...

 

 

 

another week went buy and this time i saved up for full sara. i felt proud that i was given god armour. one of the people who made fun of me P.M.ed me saying he was sorry and wanted me to spare him. i granted no last request he had. the last 2 where getting close now.

 

 

 

one day i herd that the 2 final guys were in the wild killing low level people. i got angry, to angry, i could not controll myself. i ran out their and i found out something. it was a trap. their wernt 2 people their were 5. all stronger then me. i ran but it was too late. some mage caught me off gaurd and hit a 40 to me. with my last breath i said " he, still stronger then me, i have no regre......." i died. i lost my sara, and my respect.

 

 

 

 

 

the moral of the story? dont always rush into things plan and think about them first.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

plz tell me how it was ^..^

[Toxicologist]

Very patchy. Some typos and grammical errors. You could do with filling huge amounts of detail between your time frames, and there is not much detail in the first place: no descriptions, or what you did in all that time, what happened... etc. It is also rather rigid, not like real life but more like a game. Could do with huge improvement.

 

 

 

1.5/10

[jenova1692]

what he said ^^^

[Geordiequeen]

Yea it was a bit patchy but the actually story is ok it just needs to be a bit longer with more detail, good try.

[jin_880088]

Yea it was a bit patchy but the actually story is ok it just needs to be a bit longer with more detail, good try.

thx i guess

[Chaosquall]

i agree that it was a tad pacthy and could do with more detail but 1.5/10 is to low

 

 

 

id say mayb a 3/10 :)

[Iban_Master]

2/10

 

 

 

It had a lot of SPAG (spelling, punctuation, and grammar) errors.

 

 

 

about 1 hour

 

 

 

Never put the numeral of of a number if it is under ten. (Unless in Addresses, phone numbers, license plates, and things like that)

 

 

 

One more little thing my self is one word. Myself.

 

 

 

If he is new how did he learn to just go and smelt them.

[Buddy69]

Some hero huh? Running into the wilderness with full Saradormin on only to die to some people.

 

The story was alright. You could have possibly filled in what happened in between time phrases. And I'm sure you didn't raise 3mil+ by smelting bronze bars.