Edited

well, It flows ok and there are some good discriptions in it. I know i'm not very good at writing and can't talk but I don't care and am going to tell you anyway.

 

 

 

I don't really like the name Rosa it doesn't sound special or anything Rose might be a bit bettter. You haven't fully used Imagery for your advantege throw in a few similies and metaphors so change "Her eyes where a dull grey" to something like "her eyes where like old iron in colour, dull as if the metal had long lost it's shine" and describe everything a bit more. like "her hair a mousy brown" Whats that? is it short, long, curly, strait or what? have something like "he examined her long, curly mousy brown hair, which she had tried and failed to straiten" or something

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'm a bit harsh so sorry, but I'd give it a 14

well, It flows ok and there are some good discriptions in it. I know i'm not very good at writing and can't talk but I don't care and am going to tell you anyway.

 

 

 

I don't really like the name Rosa it doesn't sound special or anything Rose might be a bit bettter. You haven't fully used Imagery for your advantege throw in a few similies and metaphors so change "Her eyes where a dull grey" to something like "her eyes where like old iron in colour, dull as if the metal had long lost it's shine" and describe everything a bit more. like "her hair a mousy brown" Whats that? is it short, long, curly, strait or what? have something like "he examined her long, curly mousy brown hair, which she had tried and failed to straiten" or something

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'm a bit harsh so sorry, but I'd give it a 14

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Great, thanks alot! I'll work on that now, check it in about half an hour.

cool, sorry if it sounded a bit harsh!

as though she was tired of living. It had been the same for everyone. Everyone who was suffering in the war.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I thought this was particularly good, and it flowed rather well. I think that you need to tell us who two of the people are though a) george - possibally her brother? wan't clear and B) explain in more deatail about will slayte.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The imagery has improved quite a lot but could be improved a little bit more, sorry its just. I'm begining to like this and want a good end result so I will be harsh abit here

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tess's eyes were a cold, dull grey, like metal that had lost its shine

Is good, not perfect but still good. then it goes to "her hair a mousy brown" which is frankly awful compaired to the eye descripton. You need to have consistency on your peace or the bad bits stick out.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

sorry if I hurt your heeling but you asked for us to be harsh. I would give it around 16 now

Not at all! Really, I'd rather you were harsh so this got better than you were kind so it stayed bad! Thanks for all your help, I changed the name to Tess. Do you like it? I've also followed your suggestions.

I saw the changes and stuff, and it is improving! just going to quote some of the stuff you have said on mine like this.

A name is something that needs to be chosen carefully, because it has a huge impact on the whole atmosphere of any piece of writing.

 

 

 

So as long as your happy with it :wink:

Sorry if you don't mind I'm sticking to Tess.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Also has you heard of Tess of the D'bervilles? (sp?) She was a famous fictional Victorian woman and the name Tess was certainly used in the Victorian times and probably before... sorry lol I just think it suits her.

no problem :wink: just a little help s'all.

I liked it I thought it had certain bits that upstaged the other bits though. If your going for the full on descriptive style maybe you could brain storm some (fore-mentioned) similies and metaphors and decide which ones are better. I know its not the most grown up method but its very useful I think when your editing a piece to use brainstorms. I like the name Tess. Could it possibly be a namesake??????? :wink: :wink:

 

 

 

I personally would give it 18,but keep improving.

 

 

 

ps: I still don't know who george is. Or am I just such a dunce i can't spot it :XD:

I like the name Tess. Could it possibly be a namesake??????? :wink: :wink:

 

 

 

I personally would give it 18,but keep improving.

 

 

 

ps: I still don't know who george is. Or am I just such a dunce i can't spot it :XD:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

george is the brother :D:D

 

 

 

A namesake eh! Well... ahem... possibly... :-w :-w But I still like it even if it is! :) 8-)

but issy, you have to listen to the comments the poeple give you! :XD: and so this is the leelee you where talking about :D

on topic: There's no reason that you shouldn't like the name because its a namesake, it was just a personal accusation. :

 

 

 

Off: hi andufusthebronze. Is the picture above your profile by Mini Gray???? just wondering. :D

I'll go 15 to start with, i have only read it over once so far and found only a few low points. Firstly, the introduction of George as the brother was slightly vague and took me a little while to pick up on and secondly, it seems a little slow in some places i.e. some of the decriptions are better and more vivid than others.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Other than that, I liked it, well done. Looking foreward to more, if you choose to do more.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

:thumbsup:

I got lost, though the language seemed okay, Is it a English evacuee or other things? Because the U-boats would try to sink that so fast it would make their head spin!

 

 

 

yeah, I have a love for history, I am sorry, but not too good, though I liked the descriptives.