February 10, 200719 yr I did something in this forum called 'the verse train' and I think that it has greatly Improved my skills to write, poet and fiction. So here are two things from me. The first is my best (I feel) verse from me in the post, the second the start of a story I wrote after the verse train. Enjoy Crashing waterfall, soaring bird. Floating lily, magic word. Powerful feeling, connect us too. What emotions are in you? As I lay there, tears streamed down my face. I pulled up the flowers that we planted together, and let the wind whip at my face. That was when I realised, all I have left is my memories now, and there is no more fun, no more you. I settled down on that grassy hill, which was now flowerless, and let the light of the moon shine on me. As that harsh night passed, my eyelids closed, and I dreamt of you. From now on, when I write something new: A poem or a story, this is where it will go. It is now my collection thread, starting on the 10th of febuary 2007. So be sure to check back once in a while. Friends is a quick poem I wrote, just to celebrate my friendship with a lot of people in this world. Friends Friends will always be there for you, Friends are old, friends are new. They are the ones to share the good times with, The ones that make you want to live They will never abandon each other, Even when watching big brother! Friends are like the laughs we share, Yet friends will always care. They will play with you in snow, in rain, They will help you if youÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ã¢ââ¬Å¾Ã¢re in pain, Friends will laugh, friends will cry, True friendship, you just canÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ã¢ââ¬Å¾Ã¢t buy.
February 10, 200719 yr The first one I think is simply beautiful. It is quite simple in a way but also quite sophisticated with the image it creates in your mind. The words seem to be chosen well, congratulations! :) As for the second, meh, I'm not sure. I think it has the potential to be a very moving, forlorn kind of paragraph yet I think it still needs more description and possibly to be developed a bit more... though that might ruin the abstracty kind of feel. On the whole I think you're getting better and better! I mean if you think back to your first piece, the one about Milly the crafter or whoever, well let's say it was ok but could have been alot better. (no offence, and i apologise for some of the horrible, horrible things I said to you then :oops: ) and compare them to the first verse and some more of your recent stuff, the change is pretty remarkable. Maybe I am going OTT but yes, I feel you're getting alot better. Keep it up and for goodness's sake KEEP WRITING! :thumbsup:
February 10, 200719 yr Author Don't worry Issy, I'm not gonna keep writing. And even if I decided to stop using v. library, I'd pm everything to you. The first thing took me about ten minutes to do, and I chose the words carefully. And don't worry about the nasty things you said then, it was equally my fault. We ended up both being petty, but, if we hadn't had that squabble we wouldn't be as good friends as we are now! But on the second thing, I'm trying to keep it abstract, for the entire thing. Its going to be loads of flash backs for the story, so it needs that abstract feel. I showed you all the poems I wrote at the time of the crafter, barr one. In my family & friends opinion, the best one. And when I find it, I'll post it. I don't think its anywhere near as good as your stuff these days, but, it was my best peice back then, to compare to for now. I'll post it when I go on the other computer next. ~Andufus
February 11, 200719 yr The second one was definately abstract, may want to lose some of the commas though make it a futile drone rather than a narrative. First one is just very good. The thing is that it just isn't a poem or anything on its own.... http://www.uzzisoft..../archimage.jpegWell I knew you wouldn't agree. I know how you hate facing facts.
February 11, 200719 yr Nope just saying that while one thing is good...to quote someone: The whole is greater than the sum of its parts. Better to have a great poem, than a good verse. http://www.uzzisoft..../archimage.jpegWell I knew you wouldn't agree. I know how you hate facing facts.
February 11, 200719 yr Author mmm.... True, I'll have a go at doing a poem to go with it by myself later :
February 12, 200719 yr The first was simply amazing. And I mean AMAZING The second has potential, but keep at it - you have a great knack for writing! Tetris is about using the equal force of the working power to build up the glorious people's republic of Russia....
February 13, 200719 yr Author The first was simply amazing. And I mean AMAZING The second has potential, but keep at it - you have a great knack for writing! Thanks bacon_man : [ Thanks, there should be another story coming today, or maybe a poem : :-k
February 13, 200719 yr mmm.... True, I'll have a go at doing a poem to go with it by myself later : I'm sorry to disagree and this is nothing personal Archimage, but I really think the first verse is best on its own. It's short and sweet, very beautiful, comes and goes quite fast. I could imagine a poem to go with it, even if it is of the same fantastic standard, maybe dragging it down a little. Just my two pennies, but andufus it's really your choice :thumbsup:
February 13, 200719 yr oh deary.....deary me.......... :uhh: ........................... :uhh: I've run out of compliments!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! nah, the first is quite simply the best thing that i've ever seen you write =D> . It grasps and executes perfectly everything that i couldn't comcieve you ever being able to do, when i read your first piece of writing. Not that it was that bad anyway.. lets not get into that.. the point is that as issy put so truthfully the change is really quite remarkable. The second one i like, however i've been looking over it and wondering whether it might be better as a short prose verse rather than a story???? Secondly issy's right, don't write a poem to go with the first verse it will only upstage the rest, unless you write them all as well as you did the first. But really it is complete by itself. One more personal kind of thing, the squabble we had did make us really good friends, which makes me over-the-moon that we had the argument in the first place :D. Because if it hadn't happened its likely all this wouldn't of happened and we wouldn't be as good friends, so i for one am pleased. Curryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy sorry, i can smell my mum's cooking!
February 13, 200719 yr Author oh deary.....deary me.......... :uhh: ........................... :uhh: I've run out of compliments!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! nah, the first is quite simply the best thing that i've ever seen you write =D> . It grasps and executes perfectly everything that i couldn't comcieve you ever being able to do, when i read your first piece of writing. Not that it was that bad anyway.. lets not get into that.. the point is that as issy put so truthfully the change is really quite remarkable. The second one i like, however i've been looking over it and wondering whether it might be better as a short prose verse rather than a story???? Secondly issy's right, don't write a poem to go with the first verse it will only upstage the rest, unless you write them all as well as you did the first. But really it is complete by itself. One more personal kind of thing, the squabble we had did make us really good friends, which makes me over-the-moon that we had the argument in the first place :D. Because if it hadn't happened its likely all this wouldn't of happened and we wouldn't be as good friends, so i for one am pleased. Curryyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy sorry, i can smell my mum's cooking! Lol, curry! Random Anyway, thanks Lee, I'm not going to write a poem to go with it. :D 8-)
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