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The Story of the Elves (for want of a better name)


Hawks

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This is a bit unfinished as of yet (and long-winded), but I figure it's pretty good for my first attempt.

 

 

 

[hide=The Unrevised Edition]

 

 

 

ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ãâ¦Ã¢â¬ÅWhat do you have in your basement?ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬ÃâÃ

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Change the King's name. It's about as original as "Steve".

 

 

 

Also, the formatting could use some work.

 

 

 

Otherwise, quite interesting.

Ah, this reminds me about the noob on the Runescape forums who was upset with the quest "Cold War" because apparently his grandparents died in the war. :wall:
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I think it sounds a little clumsy.

 

 

 

There's too much dialogue. There isn't enough description to support it, and the reader only gets a really vague idea of the world around the characters.

 

 

 

What you should probably do is avoid introducing all the characters at the start, and work them all in gradually, so they don't confuse the reader with the sheer amount of dialogue between them.

 

 

 

Also, you probably should try not to make it sound so much like a session of tabletop Dungeons and Dragons.

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You're right. I really think I should just start over, and in fact I am. I'm getting rid of Ian, Seth, and Emily, and following the same sort of storyline, but with less characters overall.

 

I liked the D&D simile- it's true.

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If you've already read the first bit, know that this is near the same thing. I changed a little, and added a little.

 

Hopefully the italics ended up right.

 

 

 

ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ãâ¦Ã¢â¬ÅWhat do you have in your basement?ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬ÃâÃ

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