Hawks Posted December 3, 2007 Share Posted December 3, 2007 This is a bit unfinished as of yet (and long-winded), but I figure it's pretty good for my first attempt. [hide=The Unrevised Edition] ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ãâ¦Ã¢â¬ÅWhat do you have in your basement?ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ãâà sig by Soa.....tip.it times.....art & mediadeviantart/flickr/last.fm/steam/twitter/tumblr/youtube Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
llamster Posted December 4, 2007 Share Posted December 4, 2007 Change the King's name. It's about as original as "Steve". Also, the formatting could use some work. Otherwise, quite interesting. Ah, this reminds me about the noob on the Runescape forums who was upset with the quest "Cold War" because apparently his grandparents died in the war. :wall: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zonorhc Posted December 5, 2007 Share Posted December 5, 2007 I think it sounds a little clumsy. There's too much dialogue. There isn't enough description to support it, and the reader only gets a really vague idea of the world around the characters. What you should probably do is avoid introducing all the characters at the start, and work them all in gradually, so they don't confuse the reader with the sheer amount of dialogue between them. Also, you probably should try not to make it sound so much like a session of tabletop Dungeons and Dragons. Varrock Library: Shattered Sky | Silent Thunder | The Emperor's FinestAstri @ MythWeavers Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fist_of_ozzy Posted December 5, 2007 Share Posted December 5, 2007 Indenting and Paragraphs were definitely needed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hawks Posted December 6, 2007 Author Share Posted December 6, 2007 You're right. I really think I should just start over, and in fact I am. I'm getting rid of Ian, Seth, and Emily, and following the same sort of storyline, but with less characters overall. I liked the D&D simile- it's true. sig by Soa.....tip.it times.....art & mediadeviantart/flickr/last.fm/steam/twitter/tumblr/youtube Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zonorhc Posted December 6, 2007 Share Posted December 6, 2007 Also, you can't go wrong with using more original names. I personally find it hard to immerse myself into a story where the main character has a plain old modern name like Steve or John. Varrock Library: Shattered Sky | Silent Thunder | The Emperor's FinestAstri @ MythWeavers Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hawks Posted December 9, 2007 Author Share Posted December 9, 2007 If you've already read the first bit, know that this is near the same thing. I changed a little, and added a little. Hopefully the italics ended up right. ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ãâ¦Ã¢â¬ÅWhat do you have in your basement?ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ãâà sig by Soa.....tip.it times.....art & mediadeviantart/flickr/last.fm/steam/twitter/tumblr/youtube Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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