so i like writing poetry...and ive attempted a rap song or 3..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

this is my first rap song...(mild lyrics)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

http://media.putfile.com/The-Freewrite

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

so after some thought and critism...i redid it

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

http://media.putfile.com/The-Rewrite (Again mild lyrics)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

so today after being threatened to get beat down by some loser at my campus chic-fil-a... i wrote this..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

http://new fast rap below. (curse twice...one is the f-bomb..be warned)

 

 

 

so post feedback...tell me if i am anygood or if i suck. tell me what i could do better or not do. thank you

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

~DaS

You sound...very white. :shock: Very, very...white

You sound...very white. :shock: Very, very...white

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

white 18 year old from north carolina. :lol:

 

You sound...very white. :shock: Very, very...white

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

white 18 year old from north carolina. :lol:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

UNC shall lose next week! :evil:

 

 

You sound...very white. :shock: Very, very...white

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

white 18 year old from north carolina. :lol:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

UNC shall lose next week! :evil:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The next Vanilla Ice...? :shock:

 

 

 

You sound...very white. :shock: Very, very...white

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

white 18 year old from north carolina. :lol:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

UNC shall lose next week! :evil:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The next Vanilla Ice...? :shock:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

:? i just done those for fun..im guessing by the number of views (high) and the number of posts (2 unique people) my rhymes suxx0r

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

keep posting away if im wrong. lol

 

 

 

~DaS

I'm not really that much into rap so I can't really judge the lyrics but Jesus toadlicking Christ do you sound like a white boy. I'm not saying that's bad but it really sounds like you're scared or embarrassed to be rapping because in some parts you sound shaky and others you sound rushed. I know a lot of it is supposed to be fast but sometimes it comes across as a trying to hard, rushed sound. You also don't have to be ghetto but pronouncing ev-er-y single word completely out (or at least the ones I could make out) has got to at least be trimmed down. The strict pronounciation makes the song sound choppy in my opinion. I'd say just take it easy and work on the presentation of the song.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Then again this is coming from someone who's about as white as you sound so take it with a grain of salt.

 

 

 

You sound...very white. :shock: Very, very...white

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

white 18 year old from north carolina. :lol:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

UNC shall lose next week! :evil:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The next Vanilla Ice...? :shock:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

except hes whiter than vanilla ice :lol: (not meaning to be racist)

I listened to the first half of the first song

 

 

 

I'm not into rap, but I didn't really like what you were going on about

 

 

 

it just seemed a little pointless and that you didn't feel what you were saying

I dont like rap, but your lyrics seem to lack much meaning to me. Some rap songs just seem to strike me with some kind of emotion (those are the ones I like), but yours just kinda.. eh.

put some more emotion to the sound of your voice.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

and 2nd i cant understand half of what you say cuz you go off key every other word.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

stay in the same key..

thanks for the advice guys.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

i took the 2nd song and redid it..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

see if you think this is any better

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

http://media.putfile.com/Fast-Rap74[/url]

I am a big eminem fan, so I can see where you're coming from with these. :wink:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I listened to them both, and I didn't really like the first one. The rhymes all sounded...predictable, sort of. I dunno. Standard. It also seemed repetitive, you were talking about the same thing over and over again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Second one I actually liked a lot. I had to listen to it twice to understand half of what you were saying, but once I did, I thought the way you put the language together was interesting. Again, some rhymes sounded cliche, predictable, or forced ("inconsiderate a--'). But overall, I thought you constructed your rhymes fairly well.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

On the subject of rhyming, I think you need to go for less emphasis on each rhymed word. You tend to hit the rhymed words really hard (by raising the tone and volume of your voice), but it makes it sound way over-exaggerated. Instead, rely on the beat and the quality of the rhymes themselves to make them effective.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Everyone has been saying that you sound really really white. Which is true. But it's not necessarily a bad thing. Don't try and put on some fake ghetto accent, people will know its just an act.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And keep pronouncing your words. A precise delivery means people will be able to follow your words better, which is always a plus. I hate mainstream rappers who grunt the whole time. Why are they writing verses in the first place if they're not going to spit them out clearly?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That said, you do need to change your style of delivery. Definitely slow down the second one, and relax. You seem to be trying to make yourself sound incredulous and scared and sincere all at the same time. I would choose a different attitude. Don't try and sound pitiful. People might think you actually are pitiful. Play around. Sound exasperated. Sound angry, amused, happy, I dunno, but make sure you're not forcing it. And drop your voice into a normal speaking range. Your style should mimic a natural way of speaking for you, only chopped up to fit over a beat. You'll still sound white, but like I said, that's not a problem.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I really did like the second one. It was original and interesting, even if it was rushed. Keep trying, and you can only get better :D

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

EDIT: listened to your revision. Try a different beat so you can slow it down a lil. Everything else I said still holds true.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Although it is worth pointing out that since you didn't hit the phrase "inconsiderate a--" as hard, it fit into the flow of the verse much better.

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

so white.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

just don't get to far into this.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

(rap sucks :))

I have to add though that a big bonza to you for giving something you love doing a go. It takes a bit of nerve and I hope you're happy you've done it, as you should be. Nice one pal :)

DAS IS THE [cabbage]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

NEXT EMINEM

I hate rap and i listened to the first half of the first song and it seemed that you were off in lala land not really knowing what u were saying :roll:

I hate rap and i listened to the first half of the first song and it seemed that you were off in lala land not really knowing what u were saying :roll:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Not that your criticism would be biased at all...

I hate rap and i listened to the first half of the first song and it seemed that you were off in lala land not really knowing what u were saying :roll:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

both songs i wrote when i was dealing with personal issues. i KNOW what i was talking about. but have you ever had to deal with any hardships aside your parents not letting you eat ice cream past 10 pm on a schoolnight? :lol:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

i write raps based on my strugles, often my strugles are lame, love, women, fear, regret or depression. some uncertianty. as you get old in life you experiance these things. and rapping is my way of getting them off of my chest into a release. i dont plan on getting rich from it. i dont plan to get famous. i just wanted to know if i was awful or not.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

so go back to your little backstreet boys or techno or your garth brooks and try not to blast people who are at least trying to explore there musical abilities

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

thank you and godbless

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

~DaS