Gaalsien Posted December 1, 2005 Share Posted December 1, 2005 01:23am Omni-1 Trade District The door jerked and spasmed its way open through the chunks of time. Stumbling out of the lift, Kefla made an attempt for the wall. The Universe froze for a second and, when it moved again, she was flat on the floor. The stims in her head designed to heighten awareness were starting to degrade, causing large chunks of consciousness to randomly speed up, slow down, or just disappear altogether, an experience known in the nightclubs as lagging out. Grabbing a handful of the thick, lavender-scented carpet, she pulled herself towards the darkened doorway to her room. Gradually, lurching, she made her way across the penthouse floor. Halfway there, she was sick. The self-cleaning carpet fibers scurried in to do their work. She groaned, clawed out for more carpet and felt only the cool, marble flooring. Her hand skittered around the floor until it connected with the thick, oak front leg of the sofa; stim-enhanced fingers sank into the wood like warm butter. She grabbed out for the back leg. It felt strangely metal and strangely moving. "Kefla, what did your father say about going down to the streets?" Groaning, she released her grip on the bodyguard's leg and felt his armored gauntlet take her own in a firm grip and pull her upright. ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ãâ¦Ã¢â¬ÅYou know how dangerous it is nowadays!ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ãâà Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Necromagus Posted December 1, 2005 Share Posted December 1, 2005 The story looks very nice, although it would be a bit easier to read if you didn't end every sentence with a hard return. It would make it a little easier on the eyes, and it would be a shame if what like a very promising story would be ruined by the fact that it's not comfortable to read. My Tip.It Times Articles (10 and counting) || The Varrock Library Author Index projectDo you dare to dream? - Part 19 added. || The Hospital (WIP) - New story!Necromagus looks like a viking ... with glasses. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SmokeEagle Posted December 1, 2005 Share Posted December 1, 2005 Just a couple of notes: 1. I'm co-writing again. 2. This is based on Anarchy Online if you hadn't guessed (Yup, dirty fr00bs are we) Thanks for the comment, it's actually useful. We write the story on word and then paste it into the forum window so the presentation tends to look different. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gaalsien Posted December 1, 2005 Author Share Posted December 1, 2005 I think that's sorted, although I'm not exactly sure what hard returns are, so tell me if its wrong. And ditto to what ^ said. Thanks for the review. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MarvelGirl Posted December 2, 2005 Share Posted December 2, 2005 Tis really really gud, sounds interesting, write more! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dragoncmd Posted December 3, 2005 Share Posted December 3, 2005 since I don't know anythign about anarchy online I'll take it as orginal. It's good as usual, and I'm guessing this if the first serious story by you guys on this forum? Pm me if you need anything proof-read, I may not be very good, but I am always willing to help.A Seal Clubber is me!A Oxygenarin is me!6*9=42 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Necromagus Posted December 3, 2005 Share Posted December 3, 2005 I think that's sorted, although I'm not exactly sure what hard returns are, so tell me if its wrong. And ditto to what ^ said. Thanks for the review. Hard return is hitting the enter after every period. It's the difference between this:Things became a little more evident when the door became riddled with bullet holes. Screaming, she rolled off the bed and curled into a ball. Her bedroom exploded around her as bullets ricocheted off the walls. The window shattered and blew out, and the sharp night air and blaring traffic roared in. Voices were yelling in the living room. A revolver went off and the hum of the minigun rattled into silence. Furniture was dragged roughly across the floor and thrown against the door. Footsteps marched across the floor and then the door slid open and Keko stepped in. And this:Things became a little more evident when the door became riddled with bullet holes. Screaming, she rolled off the bed and curled into a ball. Her bedroom exploded around her as bullets ricocheted off the walls. The window shattered and blew out, and the sharp night air and blaring traffic roared in. Voices were yelling in the living room. A revolver went off and the hum of the minigun rattled into silence. Furniture was dragged roughly across the floor and thrown against the door. Footsteps marched across the floor and then the door slid open and Keko stepped in. My Tip.It Times Articles (10 and counting) || The Varrock Library Author Index projectDo you dare to dream? - Part 19 added. || The Hospital (WIP) - New story!Necromagus looks like a viking ... with glasses. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SmokeEagle Posted December 5, 2005 Share Posted December 5, 2005 Yeah, it's serious so far and we'll try to keep it that way but knowing us two... well... just wait (as Gaal says) "for the hot tubs to start appearing as if by magic". :) Anarchy Online is a Sci-Fi MMORPG set on the (partially terraformed) desert world Rubi-Ka and involves three factions; Omni-Tek (the legal owner of the planet who live in nice terraformed grassy areas) the Clans (Disgruntled ex-miners turned rebels who live mostly in the rough deserts up North) and the ICC Nuetrals (They couldn't care less). The planet contains a mineral called 'Notum' which enables the use of Nano-Technology, scientists from Jobe managed to open a gate to a negative Rubi-Ka called the "Shadowlands" and more recently aliens have started invading. Not bad recall for a fr00b who's free account runs out in two-three weeks, eh? Clan ftw! :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SmokeEagle Posted December 5, 2005 Share Posted December 5, 2005 06:30am Day 1. Omni-1 Trade District. Keko opened his eyes blearily and tried to focus on the surrounding area. His side was still throbbing from where it had been blown out and he subconsciously rubbed it, trying to ease the familiar nagging feeling that he ought to be dead. In his delirious and confused state he managed to make out a large grey building nearby lit with blue trim and decorated with the Omni-Tek logo, he could just make out the words ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ãâ¦Ã¢â¬ÅOmni-MedÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ãâà Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CPOMendez Posted December 6, 2005 Share Posted December 6, 2005 wow. first time i'v run across an AO fan in tip.it :shock: very well written over all. good idea to tell people what all those names ment :D and just for the record i am one helluva twink for my lvl :) lvl 40 Fixer dual ql90 maussers :twisted: FROOBS FOR EVER! btw if you havent joined F.O.R.K.'s (Froobs Of Rubi-Ka) yet you should be ashamed! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dragoncmd Posted December 6, 2005 Share Posted December 6, 2005 maybe someone can pm me with more info about this game? (I'm always looking for more mmorpgs) Pm me if you need anything proof-read, I may not be very good, but I am always willing to help.A Seal Clubber is me!A Oxygenarin is me!6*9=42 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CPOMendez Posted December 6, 2005 Share Posted December 6, 2005 http://www.anarchyonline.com. they should still be offering a free version of the game. its a free one year subscription for the basic game. there are 3 expansions for it: Alien Invasion, ShadowLands, notum Wars, and coming soon, Lost Eden. you can buy the first 3 expansions +the normal version for like $20 or so. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gaalsien Posted December 7, 2005 Author Share Posted December 7, 2005 Cheers for the reviews. We aim to please. Little vote: who wants a romance/relationship between Travis and Kefla? Also, a Guildwars fanfiction will probably be coming in about two weeks, once I have the game, coursework is gone, Christmas is in, and we need something to take our minds off revision, and Smoke's internet limit has run out so he's unable to go on Guildwars. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dragoncmd Posted December 7, 2005 Share Posted December 7, 2005 Guildwars is cool, (I have the game but my comp won't run it) but I'd rather see you guys contimue your rs comedies. And as for romance, don't let it over take the story and it will be good. Pm me if you need anything proof-read, I may not be very good, but I am always willing to help.A Seal Clubber is me!A Oxygenarin is me!6*9=42 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SmokeEagle Posted December 7, 2005 Share Posted December 7, 2005 Told you you wouldn't get to write your raunchy scenes, Gaal. :) And I don't spend *all* of my time on GW, just some of it, interspersed between school and coursework. -_-; Grats to Gaal and his new super-computer which is just about twice the spec of mine (pulls out baseball bat). Who wants to see how good it works after an encouter with Mr. Batty? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dragoncmd Posted December 8, 2005 Share Posted December 8, 2005 Who wants to see how good it works after an encouter with Mr. Batty? ME ME!! Pm me if you need anything proof-read, I may not be very good, but I am always willing to help.A Seal Clubber is me!A Oxygenarin is me!6*9=42 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gaalsien Posted December 8, 2005 Author Share Posted December 8, 2005 My super-computer calculates there's a hundred percent chance it would kick your [wagon] in mano a mano combat. Also, it says the last number of pi is 4. It's still calculating yo mommas age. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SmokeEagle Posted December 8, 2005 Share Posted December 8, 2005 Less talk more writing! I can't do this on my own y'know! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gaalsien Posted December 8, 2005 Author Share Posted December 8, 2005 Remind me next friday and I'll write five freaking chapters. But you know more about Anarchy online than i do. All I've seen of it is a few hours of the training island and the training zoo place and all of that was very very jerky. I'll make up for it when we do a Zelda fanfiction. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SmokeEagle Posted December 10, 2005 Share Posted December 10, 2005 You can do a Zelda fan fiction if you get me a working gamecube, Wind Waker and leave me alone with it for a few months. Deal? :P Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dragoncmd Posted December 10, 2005 Share Posted December 10, 2005 wind walker is horrible, stick with OOT and Master quest (majora's mask is alright too) the best game though is the SNES one. (A link to the past is it?) Links awakening is also good but it has a very diferent style of gameplay, and the orginal is just too hard. Pm me if you need anything proof-read, I may not be very good, but I am always willing to help.A Seal Clubber is me!A Oxygenarin is me!6*9=42 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MarvelGirl Posted December 11, 2005 Share Posted December 11, 2005 I know this was said a while back but i think a romance/relationship between Travis and Kefla in the story would be good! Also when are you guys going to write more? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gaalsien Posted June 24, 2006 Author Share Posted June 24, 2006 JayÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ã¢ââ¬Å¾Ã¢s fingers hummed lightly over the keyboard. Now that heÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ã¢ââ¬Å¾Ã¢d got up to speed with his typing and was perked up on stims his fingers were a pink blur. His eyes were closed and his tongue clenched between his teeth in concentration. Travis watched the AÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ã¢ââ¬Å¾Ã¢s, TÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ã¢ââ¬Å¾Ã¢s, GÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ã¢ââ¬Å¾Ã¢s, and CÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ã¢ââ¬Å¾Ã¢s, and the occasional Nanobot Nucleotide base N flowing down the screen. Once of twice he thought he saw a letter which probably shouldnÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ã¢ââ¬Å¾Ã¢t be there but he was saying nothing for fear of breaking the typing nanomageÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ã¢ââ¬Å¾Ã¢s concentration and turning the girl into a huge, tumorous lump. OK, he definitely just saw a K in there. ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ãâ¦Ã¢â¬ÅAre you sure you know this?ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ãâà Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dangelo Posted July 21, 2007 Share Posted July 21, 2007 I remember you guys. Currently looking for your first post to finish of reading those amazing stories Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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