Argumentative essay on multicultural society.

[Necromagus]

This is an essay I wrote for the BBC Young Writers Contest. The assignment was to write a 600 word argumentative essay on the topic 'Young people are the key to understanding multicultural values'. Note that this applies to western Europe in general and Holland in particular; I don't know how relevant this is to America/Australia/etc..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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The establishment of multicultural values by the young, for the young.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The concept of immigration, whether itÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ã¢ââ¬Å¾Ã¢s for economical, political or religious reason, is not new. During the seventeenth and eighteenth century, there was a time when the ratio of Dutch citizens to foreigners was thirty to one. The majority of them came fleeing political and religious oppression. They consisted mostly of French protestants, Portuguese Jews and Italian scientists. Freedom of press and freedom of religion were the main reasons for them to settle here. As a whole, we were a remarkably tolerant society.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

However, since world war 2, there has been a new influx of immigration that seems to be received very differently indeed. For one, the amount of foreigners that came solely for economical reasons seems a lot larger. The diversity of immigrants is also much larger. They now come from all across the globe in stead of just Europe. The ratio is now five hundred to one, a mere fraction of what it once was, but for some reason it seems much harder to deal with the idea of multicultural values today than it did two centuries ago.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now, while three generations of immigrants struggle to carve out a place for themselves in society, it seems very hard to give a definition of the values that bind them and bind us. On every level, political, educational, religious or otherwise, there is a constant debate on how things should be, yet thereÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ã¢ââ¬Å¾Ã¢s a general feeling of malaise surrounding the discussion; it just doesnÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ã¢ââ¬Å¾Ã¢t seem to work.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But is all talking really the best way to come to a consensus? Perhaps the ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ãâ¹ÃâexpertsÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ã¢ââ¬Å¾Ã¢ would do best to just take a step back and observe those places where people come together and interact, especially the younger people. After all, a personÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ã¢ââ¬Å¾Ã¢s values are mostly defined by their upbringing, and they are the one that in ten or fifteen years will be putting a new generation of children into this world. If we want to know how multiculturalism would apply to these children, learning from their future parents would provide some interesting insights.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This more empirical approach to what is quickly becoming a sociological dilemma is a new way to focus on both present and future, and on how one will affect the other. Once we know what to expect, we can work together to create a social environment where all citizens can live as equal. The opportunities a young person has to develop themselves both at work and within their community are still too often dictated by ethnical background. The recent race riots in various French cities have clearly shown us the dangers of ignoring the plight of a younger generation.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Multicultural values are the key to establishing a healthy society of equals, a society where each individual can live up to their full potential. We have seen the consequences of ignoring the current impoverished state of young immigrants. If we are to create a society in which our children can enjoy their childhoods in safety, we have to act now. We canÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ã¢ââ¬Å¾Ã¢t expect things to set themselves right on their own, but we need to look and listen before we act. Young people are the key to understanding multicultural values, but all too often they get ignored in the debate, and itÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ã¢ââ¬Å¾Ã¢s becoming more and more obvious that they will not be ignored much longer. If we want to create a society based on multicultural values we have to listen to all its members, its youngest members most of all. They carry the burden of the future with them.

[runesmithie]

The prize looks to be a week in class.... about writing

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Might be your thing, but I just shudder at the thought ;)

[Pur304]

What actually is the prize? Nice essay, good way with words too :wink:

[Augsback]

Well written essay you have wrote, I really liked it. Good luck on winning the event. :D

[Guest GhostRanger]

I don't know if you're asking for constructive cristicism or not...so if you aren't ignore the rest of this post.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The essay is fairly strong but could be made a lot stronger with a few simple adjustments. What I primarily noticed is that the essay is very, very passive - which is a bad thing. Try substituting your "to be" verbs as often as possible...this will force you to rewrite several of your sentences making them much stronger.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The first sentence can almost kill the rest of your paper. Its not usually good to start papers with broad statements such as "the concept of....is not new." Your paper would start a lot stronger if you opened it up talking specifically about what it was like during the seventeenth and eighteenth century.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The only other thing I noticed is that your paper seems to mix tones. Its very professional sounding, and then you get very colloquial words like "indeed" and phrases like "for some reason." Try reworking some of the colloquial behaviors of the paper to make it sound more intelligent/confident.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Overall though - great paper. It expresses your opinion very well and you have a great control over you diction! Good work.

[Bubsa]

I thought at first that the essay was going to be a bit too ambiguous or philisophical without concluding much, but that was put to rest during the end. It's a good essay, how long did you take planning/writing it?

 

 

 

Questions like this, I find, can be hit or miss. When practising for my LNAT test, one of the essay questions was: "'Sport is war without guns' Do you agree" (roughly) which I thought was great. Come the actual test I had 5 choices which never appealed to me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What I'm saying is you've taken a subject and written about it well, remaining rather impartial yet arguing points for and against. Nice job.

[dwarfie76]

Superb essay, especially for a "young" writer.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As per GhostRanger's post, if you've already submitted or are just putting it out there - ignore the following ideas:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Minor errors, typos etc:

 

 

 

1st Para:

 

 

 

'economic' refers to a reason to move countries rather than 'economical' which tends to refer to small cars.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You've listed more than one reason... so it should properly read "economic, political or religious reasons".

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2nd Para:

 

 

 

Avoid starting sentences with "However". Try "Since World War 2 however," instead.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Again, economic rather than economical.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

5th Para:

 

 

 

Another plural - "all citizens can live as equals." rather than "all citizens can live as equal."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I count 589 words, so good job on getting all the ideas down under the word limit. It would be interesting to get some ideas in there about just why it is that you can take a bunch of children from widely different backgrounds and they'll happily play together as though none was any different to the other. But take the same children twenty years later and they find it hard to get along.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

But again... good job. I expect to read your work in the opinion section of the BBC very soon :)