One fine day in Lumbridge after ruthlessly taking over the underwater cities of Wergerrauah, Tommy decided to do some star gazing. Then he saw the sun swelling to an enormous size and threatening to explode. Shocked, he consulted the water people for help. They said" Don't be silly the sun doesn't exist." Enraged he got out his Abyssal whip and fitted shark teeth on its edges. Then he whipped the dumb aqua man. blood spilled, guts poured and most importantly the aqua man died in a violent death. He decided to go to his best friend Brandon who was a warrior like him. Brandon said"Go to the Monastry mabye the monks will know what you are blabbering about." So he set of to the monastry. When Tommy got there the monks laughed at him and said" Get outta here before you make us laugh our guts out." That enranged Tommy so he took out his dragon battle axe and started beheading the monks. Blood spilled, brains were thrown to the zombies, hearts torn out ruthlessy, guts.....(mabye you get the point) So he went to the Wise Old Man in Draynor village. The sage said" Please do not bother me I am laundering my breifs." That made Tommy really angry so he whipped out his rune scimitar and started slicing the man into little bite sized peices. Then he fed him to some people in a local diner. :twisted: Then Tommy went to the seers in Seer's village apparently they lost their power and had outlived their usefullness so Tommy started killing them all. By the time he was finished killing the monks of Zamorack and the druids. The sun exploded and everyone died even the gods died. Then out of the darkness something started emerging.......................

 

 

 

 

 

The End?

Please use paragraphs for the sequel. I found that painful to read.

If u found this hard to read i think u should skip to my third story The Wilderness part 2:Tom's Revenge

Truthful opinion?

 

 

 

It's boring and very unrealistic. Puncuation and paragraphs are non-existent, and vocabulary is uninteresting.

 

You need to explain more about what happened. For instance, when he 'kills 20 monks' you should explain HOW and WHY he did it. For instance, you should explain his anger, his frustration, his bad temper, whipping out his sword, or whirling spells on them in a flurry of rage...etc, you get the idea.

 

Also use paragraphs or it's extremely hard to know what's going on. Paragraphs often make writing look professional and confident.

 

 

 

Issy.

 

Good luck with your writing.

ok not that intresting. use paragraphs! And dont say "no one likes my story so im not going to write no more!" Thats a bad attitude! Just improve alot and keep goin!

 

 

 

 

 

You can do it!!!!! :D :D

I didn't find it that tough to read, but I hate when people use their actual RS names in the story. Putting numbers in someone's name sounds really stupid in a story... unless it's like you actually telling a story about what you and so and so really did in the wilderness that one time... And sometimes the names got repetitive...

So Grim S Pitts messaged his friend Z fighter88 who was killing ghosts in draynor manor. He told z fighter to ask the wise old man about the end of the world. a few tense minutes later z fighter88 told grim s pitts to meet him in the lumbrdge swamp. He did that then z fighter88 told him

I know there is ways to get around that repetitiveness if you just try.

Please don't try writing another section till you fix this one up a bit, I think this is more of a problem with trying to stay too close to rs, than any problem with writing on your part.

Fine i'll edit this give it a better title and not use real player names but i will add more graphic violence plus i can't use paragraphs if i tried the Tip.It system gets rid of the indentations and stuff.

I just edited it i didn't use paragraphs because i don't want to type too long if you really want paragraphs go read my other story about the dragon slayer.

I think your missing the point, by not giving detail you really give the impression that you don't want to be writing which gives the reader no reason to be reading.

Death45, you and I are the commenters! ( The story was boring )

 

Well, I didn't even bother to read it.