hybrid_elite03 Posted August 7, 2006 Share Posted August 7, 2006 Chained to a wall by chains of runite for thirty years, rose Daniel. He broke free, and freed his fellow prisoners. The warrior is known as warlord0303. He soon got married and had a child; a baby girl, her name was Grangil. A warrior by blood. As she was a girl, the Warlord never trained her in the art of swordplay, but that did not stop her from training herself! She soon found a friend; a young orphan, whose dad's life was lost in the war and his mothers a short while after. He too trained with Grangil. One day she brought the boy home with her and from then on, he was welcomed into a new family. One night they awoke to a loud noise. They went outside to find the sky was raining fire. All of a sudden three men appeared. bound to wall by chains of runite for 30 years once named daniel but now he only has a number 0303he broke free and freed everyone else now he is warlord0303 now he wonders the world looking for his brother and his own children Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hybrid_elite03 Posted August 7, 2006 Author Share Posted August 7, 2006 The three men were non other than hazeel, the demon Chronozon and Lord Drakan, the cruelest bunch in Zamorak's army hazeel had been the one that locked daniel a.k.a warlord0303 to the wall with chains of runite, and cast a spell so all he would never rememer his name but instead a number of course the number was 0303, all the sudden a fog rolled in in and when it was gone so were his kids and wife everyone was gone except hazeel who the fought warlord to near death and the left him for dead. bound to wall by chains of runite for 30 years once named daniel but now he only has a number 0303he broke free and freed everyone else now he is warlord0303 now he wonders the world looking for his brother and his own children Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hybrid_elite03 Posted August 7, 2006 Author Share Posted August 7, 2006 when he awoke he went to find his brother jikel who once served zamorack but surrenderd to guthix, to keep from the fate of death that hazeel would give him he hid on death plateu, using a ring that made him look like troll he lived in a cave on the highest point of death plateu, then he eventually became the troll leader of death plateu because he cold make fire and medicine his brother had recently told the trolls not to harm warlord but he should still be carefull as trolls are stupid and forgetfull as he went up death plateu he took the shortcut his brother made to his cave and when he got there he wasnt there but there was a note, "it said if your reading this note that meens hazeel has found me, my spare troll ring is in the drawer by my bed it will allow you to look like a troll and talk like a troll tell the trolls to go to ice mountin with you and help find thier leader" p.s "my troll name is dak da'k gret'a and yours should be dak do's dret wich is what i told them my brother was named". bound to wall by chains of runite for 30 years once named daniel but now he only has a number 0303he broke free and freed everyone else now he is warlord0303 now he wonders the world looking for his brother and his own children Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hybrid_elite03 Posted August 7, 2006 Author Share Posted August 7, 2006 tell me what you think so far bound to wall by chains of runite for 30 years once named daniel but now he only has a number 0303he broke free and freed everyone else now he is warlord0303 now he wonders the world looking for his brother and his own children Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zonorhc Posted August 7, 2006 Share Posted August 7, 2006 Poor spelling and grammar, extremely passive voice, no plot to speak of, and not even an attempt at punctuation. I lost interest two lines in because the entire piece seems to be a single running sentence. This needs a lot of work. Varrock Library: Shattered Sky | Silent Thunder | The Emperor's FinestAstri @ MythWeavers Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
issy2 Posted August 7, 2006 Share Posted August 7, 2006 No plot, astrocious spelling and grammar. Nothing interesting or gripping has happened so far. Also please STOP DOUBLE POSTING! You could have 20 of those in ONE post. Not four. I was trying VERY hard to concentrate beyond the first three lines... There's no flow. Use more description. Look up 'paragraph' and 'sentence' in a dictionary. Check your spelling in MS Word or other processor before placing it on the forums. Learn to use speech marks. Until then, serious editing is in order. Don't take this the wrong way, but you should really consider whether its worth posting on these forums if you haven't put any effort into your work. Edit. Ok, I'm editing your spelling and grammar. I hope you don't mind, but it needs to be done. Chained to a wall by chains of runite for thirty years, rose Daniel. He broke free, and freed his fellow prisoners. The warrior is known as warlord0303. He soon got married and had a child; a baby girl, her name was Grangil. A warrior by blood. As she was a girl, the Warlord never trained her in the art of swordplay, but that did not stop her from training herself! She soon found a friend; a young orphan, whose dad's life was lost in the war and his mothers a short while after. He too trained with Grangil. One day she brought the boy home with her and from then on, he was welcomed into a new family. One night they awoke to a loud noise. They went outside to find the sky was raining fire. All of a sudden three men appeared. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hybrid_elite03 Posted August 7, 2006 Author Share Posted August 7, 2006 there i fixed most of it as with the plot the plot is that he was imprisoned by the zamorak army he then freed himself and got married and his wife had a child several years later hazeel and his men came and took his children somewere far away and hazeel nearly killed him he goes to find his brother for help him on his journey but his brother was kidenapped by hazeel and taken to ice mountin he puts on the spare ring and goes to find his brother with the trolls, ill tell the rest later when i finish the story bound to wall by chains of runite for 30 years once named daniel but now he only has a number 0303he broke free and freed everyone else now he is warlord0303 now he wonders the world looking for his brother and his own children Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anti Posted August 7, 2006 Share Posted August 7, 2006 Somebody please get this off the forums. It so needs work. :shame: Does anyone happen to know death_siren? She stole a green mask from me, and I think I found my way into her ignore list. If you know anything, please, don't hesitate to give me a pm. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
issy2 Posted August 8, 2006 Share Posted August 8, 2006 Somebody please get this off the forums. It so needs work. :shame: Definitely. Please remove it, edit, and then consider whether it's good enough to ask for suggestions... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
InkofDeath Posted August 8, 2006 Share Posted August 8, 2006 omg even with this fixed i stil do not see a good plot or was it fixed??? Somebody please get this off the forums. It so needs work. :shame: x2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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