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I found it interesting. I wondered about the seemingly random rhymes - are these for emphasis or accidental? Sometimes there are two per stanza, sometimes three, and often on different lines as they were in the last stanza. Also it seems to demand a rythmic beat, however sometimes it's natural rhytm becomes slightly disjointed (IMO). Some of the imagery seemed dissasociated with the topic - but of course that's a personal thing. What really got me is that there was no build, as it were, to the final sorrow over the presence of war. There is repetition sure, but not a build. I find it hard to explain :S.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

However...this may seem agressive, when I thought it was actualy good :). Those notes were just suggestions to aid your gracious style :).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edit: And don't forget to read mine. It's not as good as yours but it's your chance to get back at me :P Link is in my sig

Get back at you for what? anything you say regarding my writing will not offend me.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Seemingly random rhymes- I know, I can never work that out. :x Just too confusing, and I'm too lazy. :lol:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As for the build up- well I was kinda concentrating more on the language of the poem that the structure, but fair point.

It was very nice and when I get time I will read it fully. The parts that I read sounded well thought out.

Very nice poem :D

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I enjoyed it. Like above, sometimes random rhymes and such, but still, over all a great poem. I like the overall message.

It was ok. I'd put a little more effort into it. It's not very strong, but more vague. It's an ok poem, though. Don't stop writing! :)

It was ok. I'd put a little more effort into it. It's not very strong, but more vague. It's an ok poem, though. Don't stop writing! :)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Will do, lol. Can you tell me why you didn't think it was too good, it's very hard to improve something when people don't tell you what's wrong. :wink:

The second half of your poems doesn't have a fixed rhymming scheme.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

At the first look, the first stanzas gave me he structure you're about to use and play long wit the poem until the second part doesn't go well.

 

 

 

At the same time, the meanning is not as strong with the frist half.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You probably need to change, reword or fix the second half if you want to focus on your main theme.

 

 

 

I quite agree your expression at the last lines aren't fixed {they're quite random.}

Cute and innocent.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lemme try one:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Some say it's a joyride for most it is pain

 

 

 

frustration and doubt, your prayers in vain

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Some say it's a blessing most perceive it as curse

 

 

 

you think it will get better, but it gets worse

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Some say it's miraculous, to most it is dull

 

 

 

without a warning it's suddenly full

 

 

 

of shallow pretention of guilt and shame

 

 

 

you point your finger, but there's noone to blame

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Some say it's chance, others it's fate

 

 

 

the time you know, it's already too late

 

 

 

you have grown old, tired and ill

 

 

 

your dreams ground to dust by lifes cruel mill.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

^Feel free to correct any errors. English, after all isn't my primary language.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Actually i don't really like lyric, unless it is sung and comes with music. To me even the best poem is just a poem. Then again in the right context it might be a fun way to communicate. Also it's creative writing - a form of self expression and as such highly valuable of course. Do i contradict myself? I hope so!

nice poem, but i thought those random rymes where actually quite effective, and that maybe on my post i was wrong. don't let any one say your a bad poet (not even me :twisted: ) lol