This blog post contains a lot of depressing material. If you don't want to read it, don't. I don't want any [bleep]ing replies 'tl:dr' or something from some [bleep]ing stupid troll trying to flame bait me.
*slams head repeatedly into keyboard*
[hide=Don't read unless you want to.]So I think the best way for me to put the way I'm feeling into writing is to put it into order.
I'm burnt out with Dungeoneering! Having to play with the [developmentally delayed]ed tools of W117 really starts to grind on you, and its got to the point today where they've been making me feeling like smashing my head repeatedly into a wall! I know that I could do something different on Runescape, but I don't find anything else fun at the moment, and I enjoy the damn skill. Its just the [bleep]ing people I play it with that I have a problem with.
I've also found out that one the friends that I really enjoy talking to on Runescape is leaving (perhaps for good), and while I will not name that person for their privacy, I'll miss them more than they probably realise. They've been a great help to me in the past when I've been feeling down, and because of the lack of real life friends due to social difficulties, I think of them as one of my best friends. (The only way we'll be able to communicate if they leave for good will be text messages)
I'm sick of people in the HYT clan chat for no real reason other than the fact that I'm in a foul mood as it is today anyway, and it all just makes me want to scream!
I play another online game called Command and Conquer Renegade, and I'm part of one of the leading community's there as a moderator.
In the last few days, certain people have had trouble with the leadership of the community, and its got to the point where three people left their jobs as moderators, and left the community.
While two of those have come back (one has been made a moderator again, one hasn't), the other friend has gone for good, as while he is personally a complete muppet, he's a great laugh, and a good guy.
Also, after having some technical difficulties connecting to my community's server, the owner decides to act like a complete and total [bleep]ing [developmentally delayed], and talks to me like I'm a piece of [bleep]ing [cabbage].
The most annoying thing right at the moment when I'm typing this is that I've slept funny last night, and now both arms are hurting to move at the elbow, which makes typing a [bleep], and moving sucks.
I've also burnt the sides of both index fingers trying to carry some plates when my family and I went out for a meal at our local carvery. The meal was nice, but the rest of the people there were [bleep]ing [developmentally delayed]s who laugh really loud, and have no [bleep]ing courtesy for anyone but themselves.
My cousin stayed over last night in place of one of my sisters (who is staying over my cousins), and she's so [bleep]ing annoying. She's only 11, but she makes me want to [bleep]ing murder the little [bleep]ing [bleep]. She's also staying tonight as well, which just makes it soooo much better...
I've been bitten on my arms and neck by [bleep]ing gnats, and its itching like hell (hurting too on my neck).
Also, my [bleep]ing insomnia has come back in full force, and I'm getting very little sleep of a night. My dad... he keeps getting angry at me about it, and its almost as though he thinks I'm staying up late on purpose.. why the hell would I do that. He knows that I have insomnia, but sometimes, even though I love him as my dad, he's a [bleep]ing unreasonable bastard.
-Carry On from my Previous Blog-
Well, if you don't know the story, go read it.
So I was seen by that [bleep]ing early intervention team a few times, and they tell me that I have no mental illness in their opinions, and the fact that I hear [bleep]ing voices telling me to kill myself is just depression. They tell me that they are only counsellors though, and their opinions are not medically based. The stupid [bleep]ing [bleep]es (both were middle aged women) also seemed to think that I was [bleep]ing disappointed that they didn't think I had a mental illness. WHY THE [bleep]ING HELL WOULD I WANT A [bleep]ING MENTAL ILLNESS YOU STUPID [bleep]ING [bleep]ES?! GAH!
So I was made an appointment to see a [bleep]ing psychologist, and the appointment card goes missing.. I ring the place up where I'm supposed to have the appointment to check that the time I remember is right, and they [bleep]ing tell me that they have no record of having a [bleep]ing appointment booked for me at all!
I get ANOTHER [bleep]ing appointment through a letter through the post, and I went to that about two weeks ago. I sit in the [bleep]ing waiting room for about an hour, before the receptionist has the goodness of her heart to tell me that I don't have a [bleep]ing appointment until September 7th. EVEN THOUGH I GOT THE [bleep]ING APPOINTMENT CONFIRMED WITH A LETTER, ITS NOT ON THEIR [bleep]ING COMPUTERS?!
So I've spent the last two weeks or so feeling down now and then, but tonight its really hit me hard, and right at this very [bleep]ing moment, I want to go downstairs, find a knife and slice my [bleep]ing arms.
I know that the feeling of wanting to do that is just in my head, and I personally don't want to do it, but its still really hard to ignore...
I don't want or expect sympathy or attention like some of the [bleep]ing trolls that come on this forum and post their own blog posts, but putting the way I'm feeling and the troubles I've been having lately into words has helped my head a little bit at this very moment. I'm sorry if people didn't want to read this, and I've upset them in some way, but there was a spoiler at the start of this blog, so if you've read it, on your own [bleep]ing head be it.
Sorry for the language (if not censored) and the depressing materials of this blog again.
Now I'm off to get some food because I'm staving and try and get some sleep. Pft.