January 4, 200521 yr Soul of an Angel - Metallic Angel Chapter four has already been totally completed, but I will be releasing it slowly as not to swamp my (if I have any o_o) readers. ^^ Pointing out CC and any spelling mistakes I may have made would be a great help for me ^^ Thanks! Now, Enjoy, ladies and gentleman. Chapter one Part one - Hikari Raymonde Landon was walking home from a boring day at school with a rowdy group of friends when he saw a flash of light out of the corner of his eye. His head swiveled around and he blinked a few times. There was nothing amongst the sky which was starting to fill with dark, grey, storm clouds. As he stared up at the sky, one fat rain drop fell from the sky onto his nose. He blinked in surprise as more and more raindrops fell. He heard the girls shriek and they all started flicking water at each other. Landon caught a faceful of water that Amber had flicked at him. He looked up in the direction the water came from and he saw her grinning at him. He cast her a quick fleeting smile then ran at her, scooping up some water as he ran. "I'm gonna get you for that!" She grinned again and ran away from him, her long, brown hair flying out behind her, drenched in rain. Landon kept running and he heard his other friends teasing him in a friendly manner. "C'mon Landon, you can't be beaten by a girl! Get her!" They hooted with laughter and Landon grinned at them, then ran faster then ever. He was so close to getting her when he saw a flash of light again, he faltered and stared at the stormy afternoon sky. He shook his head violently and water sprayed out in an arc from his hair, pelting Amber with water. "Whoa, he got her. Go Landon!" His friends were yelling again. He took another look at the sky, found it bare of lights again, and dismissed it from his mind. He thought that it must've just been a shooting star, or something else. Landon had completely forgotten about the bright light by the next day. All the students from class 12A were lazing around in the classroom and talking to each other, many gazing at the door in anticipation, for a new girl was coming into class today. The tables were arranged in neat rows, with a gap on all four sides of the desk to give the teachers and students easy access to all areas of the room. Landon was sitting in the corner, by himself, staring out the window and daydreaming when an image of a pair of wings flashed in his mind's eye. He sat up with a jolt and knocked the desk over. Everyone turned to stare at him and he felt the blood rush to his face. Thankfully the teacher arrived at this point and he was spared the embarrassment of explaining what had happened. As he picked up his desk, the teacher started to talk. "Good morning everyone! Today, as you know, we have a new student in the class! Now sit, and we can begin!" Miss Roanne beamed widely at the class and everyone hurriedly sat down in their seats. As Miss Roanne took the attendance, everyone was looking intently at the door occasionally whispering to each other, waiting for the moment where the door would open and admit the new student. Landon was not as interested, as his mind was puzzling over the vision he had just had. He stared at the etchings in the table in front of him intently, still thinking, when there was a knock at the door. Everyone jumped and Miss Roanne hurried over to the door and opened it. Landon heard the sound of the teacher's heeled shoes tapping across the ground, followed by a shuffling. He looked up and his heart jumped. In front of his eyes was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen, she had long dark hair which flowed to just below her waist line. She was looked straight ahead, shuffling her feet and looking small and fragile under her too-large jumper. She gazed at the staring faces of everyone around her, then looked directly into Landon's eyes. The girl's eyes were a grey blue colour, like the sky on a cold winter's day. The moment their eyes met, Landon flushed red and looked away. The girl looked puzzled for a moment then stared blankly into space. Landon could hear the excited mutters of his friends around him. He heard snatches of conversation. "She's so cute! I wonder what her name is - and where she came from too." The murmur of talk abruptly stopped when the girl started talking. Her voice was smooth and calming, but it seemed that she wasn't very good at speaking. "Me am called Hikari. Hikari Raymonde." Hikari, Landon thought, what a beautiful name. He felt the hot flush of his face ebb away and he turned to face Hikari again. She was answering some questions from the class, keeping the sentences short and stumbling over some words. "Me do not know where I came from. Me do not know how old me am." Her grey eyes darkened for a moment, but the look was gone in a flash, leaving Landon wondering if it ever happened. There were dubious glances thrown around the room when she had said that sentence. "Now, now, everyone, Hikari doesn't want to tell you, so stop looking at each other like that." She winked at them and there was a ripple of subdued laughter throughout the class. "Now, I would like someone to show Hikari around, and teach her a few rules of the school. Any volunteers?" All the boys in the class put their hands up eagerly, and Lilithe and her two friends frowned in disdain. Landon was the only boy not to put his hand up, he thought he was too flustered to do anything at the moment. Miss Roanne looked at the sea of hands in front of her, and gazed around till her eyes sat on Landon. The moment she looked at him, he knew he was going to be chosen. "Landon, could you please show Hikari around?" He dropped his gaze to the table and nodded. The other boys who had volunteered cheered to Landon. "Have fun Landon." One of them called, and he flashed a grin at them. As he stepped out from behind his table and gathered his books, he looked up and found himself looking into Hikari's eyes again. They enraptured him and he could not look away. After what felt like an age (even though it was only a few seconds), he tore his eyes away and dropped his books. As he bent to pick them up he blushed furiously and felt like kicking himself. Chapter one Part two - Hikari Raymonde After Landon managed to gather his thoughts together, he and Hikari exited the classroom, with Hikari walking first, then Landon following her. There was silence for a while and then he walked up beside Hikari. ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ãâ¦Ã¢â¬ÅThis way, then. IÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ã¢ââ¬Å¾Ã¢ll show you our school library.ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬ÃâÃ
January 4, 200521 yr wow u have a very active imagination! it was a good read too! dont worry if there are only few comments, cuz as u know few people visit this part of the forum anyways. im sure the others who did read ur story will expect more = ] The Enrichment Center reminds you that the weighted companion cube will never threaten to stab you and, in fact, cannot speak. In the event that the weighted companion cube does speak, the Enrichment Center urges you to disregard its advice.
January 4, 200521 yr lag... The Enrichment Center reminds you that the weighted companion cube will never threaten to stab you and, in fact, cannot speak. In the event that the weighted companion cube does speak, the Enrichment Center urges you to disregard its advice.
January 13, 200521 yr Author I've seemed to notice that most Literature forums for RS forums (and also sometimes for many other forums too.) Thank you so much for reading and responding, it means alot to me. ^^ Here you go, for any readers I may have: Chapter two Part one - Jealousy For the rest of the day Hikari stuck like glue to Landon, only letting him come truly close to her. If any other boy came close to her she would yelp and hide behind Landon. Whenever this happened his face would burn and he would mumble to Hikari quietly, "It's okay, they are friends." By the end of the day Landon felt like his face would be permanently stuck in a blushing state. Deciding that this was an uncomfortable situation to be in, he approached Hikari as she was standing at the school gate looking quite lost. "Hikari?" She turned around and smiled faintly when she saw him. "Yes?" She asked, a curious look on her face. "I have a question to ask you...why will you not let the other boys come close to you?" She turned around and thought about the answer for a moment before replying. "Well, you are nice to me - and you do not always stare at me." She said with a thoughtful look on her face. "When she uttered the second sentence Landon's face flushed again. Little did she know how much he longed to embrace her again, to touch her hair and feel her heart beat against his chest. "They were just marveling at your beauty, Hikari. Not many have met anyone as beautiful as you. Give them a chance?" She looked thoughtful, so Landon added in a hasty word; "Please?" "Okay then, for you." She smiled shyly at him and a dimple on the right side of her mouth appeared. Landon smiled back, marveling at how beautiful Hikari was when she smiled. Suddenly, and without warning, Hikari stepped forward, stood on her toes and kissed Landon on the cheek in one smooth motion. She blushed and then ran away in the other direction, her hair flowing behind her like a sheet of silk blowing in the wind. Landon lifted his hand and gently touched the spot where Hikari's lips had been moments ago. His skin tingled from her touch. That was a moment he would cherish forever. In the subsequent days that followed, Hikari allowed everyone else to come closer to her without as much fear. Many of the boys in their class would try to attract Hikari's attention, usually without any results. On one occasion Hikari was puzzling over a problem, her face set in a determined frown, when one of Landon's friends, Kenji, walked behind Hikari and peered curiously over her shoulder. "Would you like me to help you?" Kenji asked, with a friendly smile on his face. Hikari jumped and lifted her head up till she could see Kenji standing behind her. "Yes, please." She said thankfully. Kenji grabbed a chair and sat down next to Hikari; a moment later he started explaining. Landon looked at them, glad that Hikari had opened up to everyone. Landon continued to work, with everyone else chatting around him. A few minutes later he looked to the right, just in time to see Kenji shift his chair a little closer, and lean towards Hikari so he was only inches away from her. If Landon had not been so far away from them, he would have leapt up and stopped Kenji from moving any closer to Hikari. Unconsciously, his hands had balled into fists on the desk, and his jaw was clenched tightly together, blood coursing through his body. tenshi-chan
January 13, 200521 yr Wow, first time I visited Varrock Library board (didn't know it existed up 'til now) and I'm truly astounded! I love writing and reading and this is one of the best 'short stories' I've read, the descriptions were magnificent. The way you used monologues was great and there was a bit of humour there, I really enjoyed this and look forward to reading the rest. I think I saw one mistake and I'll try and point it out to you if I can find it... It was a grammatical error but I'm not sure were it was. Anyway, good story overall, and I loved the end were he seems to want to attack Kenji, it reminds me of the feelings I get when my girlfriend hangs around with boys, you had the feelings and emotions exactly right. Great piece of work. :D
January 14, 200521 yr I loved it! Pm me when you have written more! This is a hell of a lot more than I was expecting when I came to the Varrock Library. It sounds like you would be a great manga writer. I can only hope my story will be as good as yours. :D ~^v^~Ex-Leader of the Divine Flames of Redemption~^v^~
January 15, 200521 yr yeah always up for a bit of romance stories, good work, can't wait for the next part..... there is gonna b a next part rite? well if there is, pm me
January 24, 200521 yr Well arn't you going to have more cause I'm really impatient ~^v^~Ex-Leader of the Divine Flames of Redemption~^v^~
January 28, 200521 yr Wow, very good story tenchi. You had to mention the breasts didn't ya? :mrgreen: Anyway, he'll right when he feels compelled to, homefully sometime soon. :D To stand in the valley of death is one thing, to not have been able to stop the chaos is another.
January 28, 200521 yr sry bout this duble post, way bad lagg To stand in the valley of death is one thing, to not have been able to stop the chaos is another.
January 28, 200521 yr Wow, very good story tenchi. You had to mention the breasts didn't ya? :mrgreen: Anyway, he'll right when he feels compelled to, homefully sometime soon. :D It fits the part well. Don't you think thats what a teenage boy thinks about? thats what I thought of when I was that age and I still do. ~^v^~Ex-Leader of the Divine Flames of Redemption~^v^~
January 29, 200521 yr Author Wow, very good story tenchi. You had to mention the breasts didn't ya? :mrgreen: Anyway, he'll right when he feels compelled to, homefully sometime soon. :D It fits the part well. Don't you think thats what a teenage boy thinks about? thats what I thought of when I was that age and I still do. Too true, only Landon is a nice boy and all, but he still can't control things like that. XD But he tries to, which is the point. =3 Kay, next chapter: Chapter two Part two - Jealousy As Landon felt his heart thumping against his ribcage, the bell signaling the start of lunch time rang loudly through the school. There was a screech of chairs and everyone hurried out the door, eager to have a rest from the grueling lesson. Landon walked slowly out of the classroom, separating himself from the rest of his class. As everyone walked to the right to get to their lockers, Landon walked in the opposite direction, not wanting to be near anyone. He did not realize where he was heading, his feet just moved, and he didnÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ã¢ââ¬Å¾Ã¢t seem to be in control. Suddenly, his feet stopped, and he looked up wearily and found himself standing in front of the old restroom door. With heavy feet he pushed the door open with force and slammed his palms against a nearby cubicle wall. Emotions were flooding through his body like water gushing through a stream. It rose through his chest, his heart filling with anger, then up through his neck until it threatened to spill out in the form of a yell. Landon swallowed the yell with difficulty, and a lump formed in his throat. For a few seconds all Landon could hear was the blood roaring in his ears when he found himself silently cursing in his mind. Fueled by the anger and frustration of not understanding why he was feeling this way, he struck out at the wall he was facing with all his might. He felt the impact on the flesh of his skin in great detail, how the force of his punch against the wall cut through his skin, and how he felt excruciating pain the moment the skin on his knuckles had broken open. He dropped both hands from the wall and examined the mutilated knuckles on his right hand. Blood was flowing freely from the wound, which was starting to drip onto the grimy floor. He felt his eyes moisten, unable to bear the throbbing in his hand, but he blinked furiously and they disappeared as quickly as they had come. LandonÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ã¢ââ¬Å¾Ã¢s anger flared again as the tears disappeared, how he could allow himself to have tears in his eyes? He was so weak that he couldnÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ã¢ââ¬Å¾Ã¢t even stand the pain of a cut? He wheeled around and, clenching his fists, walked over to the sink. He turned the tap on and felt pain shoot up from his hand. Landon gritted his teeth and slid his hand under the flowing water. The water turned from a clear color to a murky red as it hit the sink floor. It flowed down the drain and he stood there for a moment, transfixed, as the water changed again, this time turning clear. He turned the tap off and examined his hand again, his shoulders slumped and his head lowered. The wound was clean now, and the blood had stopped flowing. He rested his hands on both sides of the basin and looked up, finding himself face to face in a cracked reflection of himself. His eyes were slightly red and his face looked weary. His face was distorted in the reflection; his face was broken and changed, looking feeble and weak. The cracked glass seemed to taunt him, reminding him of his unstable family. The image of LandonÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ã¢ââ¬Å¾Ã¢s father striking LandonÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ã¢ââ¬Å¾Ã¢s mum repeatedly played back in his mind. He had only been young, and that scene had haunted his thoughts, his dreams, turning them into nightmares, ever since. His hands balled into fists again, his heart aching, a strong feeling of weakness almost overpowering him. That feeling was quickly replaced by a feeling of anger. Anger directed at himself for being so weak and powerless. So weak that he couldnÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ã¢ââ¬Å¾Ã¢t protect anyone, not even his own mother. tenshi-chan
January 29, 200521 yr Keep up the good work. Its odd, Landon sounds almost like me in real life I would make almost the exact same choices as him in those situations. BTW how old are you? You don't have to answer if you don't want to. ~^v^~Ex-Leader of the Divine Flames of Redemption~^v^~
January 29, 200521 yr Author Keep up the good work. Its odd, Landon sounds almost like me in real life I would make almost the exact same choices as him in those situations. BTW how old are you? You don't have to answer if you don't want to. 14 :x I write all this before I go to bed usually. o__o Otherwise the ideas swim around in my head and I can't get to sleep. If you are like Landon at all, you sound like a really nice guy. ^^ Thanks for commenting on the story. <3 tenshi-chan
January 29, 200521 yr Keep up the good work. Its odd, Landon sounds almost like me in real life I would make almost the exact same choices as him in those situations. BTW how old are you? You don't have to answer if you don't want to. 14 :x I write all this before I go to bed usually. o__o Otherwise the ideas swim around in my head and I can't get to sleep. Thanks for ocmmenting on the story. <3 tenshi-chan 14????? I thought you were 16-18!! You are truely talented your art and writing are both amazing. You are going to have a great future if you keep this up. Nihongo no itte kudasai? Watashi no jyuuroku sai desu. ~^v^~Ex-Leader of the Divine Flames of Redemption~^v^~
January 29, 200521 yr I have a few criticisms to this buddy... The first is the portrayal of Landon. I know he hasn't been built up too much, but he seems to be your avg. main male youth. There isn't anything apecial about him. Very Oedipusian. He needs something special. Along with that, he seems a bit of an omnipotent character atm, seemingly he doesn't have a real flaw ( I don't consider passion to be a flaw, tragic flaws are a necessity in 9/10 works). You started building the common 'awkward around women' flaw, but then you totally shot it. The emphasis on blushing did not repleat the idea of the flaw. Regardless of no current flaw, you are building the rage idea and the 'ghost in the closet' deal, but that is a bit normal and won't make this stick out from the average story. I know this seems like a bashing, I'm sorry bout that, just trying to be constructive. You show promise, but then again you are very young still, experience will teach you a great deal about weaving through characters words, and ideas. (and of course the portrayal of a female character is ever so hard to create, it takes a hard balance, even harder when they are not the narrator, or when there is no omnipotent narrator, Hikari also needs some developement, but there is no doubt in my mind that you have done this in your latter chapters)[/url]
January 29, 200521 yr I have a few criticisms to this buddy... The first is the portrayal of Landon. I know he hasn't been built up too much, but he seems to be your avg. main male youth. There isn't anything apecial about him. Very Oedipusian. He needs something special. Along with that, he seems a bit of an omnipotent character atm, seemingly he doesn't have a real flaw ( I don't consider passion to be a flaw, tragic flaws are a necessity in 9/10 works). You started building the common 'awkward around women' flaw, but then you totally shot it. The emphasis on blushing did not repleat the idea of the flaw. Regardless of no current flaw, you are building the rage idea and the 'ghost in the closet' deal, but that is a bit normal and won't make this stick out from the average story. I know this seems like a bashing, I'm sorry bout that, just trying to be constructive. You show promise, but then again you are very young still, experience will teach you a great deal about weaving through characters words, and ideas. (and of course the portrayal of a female character is ever so hard to create, it takes a hard balance, even harder when they are not the narrator, or when there is no omnipotent narrator, Hikari also needs some developement, but there is no doubt in my mind that you have done this in your latter chapters)[/url] 1.About Landon not having something special to him you may want to read ch 2 part 2 closer 2.As for flaws its only the second chapter do you expect horrible flaws to come up at the beginning? Shes working up toward them. 3.Her portrayal of Hikari is fine for now this story has only begun. 4."...you are very young still..." Age of the person has nothing to do with how good they are! I have seen 12 year olds that are as smart as college students and 30 year olds that are as smart as 10 year olds. If you EVER make a comment like that again I will flame you to hell! :evil: ~^v^~Ex-Leader of the Divine Flames of Redemption~^v^~
January 29, 200521 yr What I said, don't need it here 1.About Landon not having something special to him you may want to read ch 2 part 2 closerOedipus comment... 2.As for flaws its only the second chapter do you expect horrible flaws to come up at the beginning? Shes working up toward them.Uh, did you read my big long ( ) statement at the end? 3.Her portrayal of Hikari is fine for now this story has only begun.See above 4."...you are very young still..." Age of the person has nothing to do with how good they are! I have seen 12 year olds that are as smart as college students and 30 year olds that are as smart as 10 year olds. If you EVER make a comment like that again I will flame you to hell! :evil:I don't care if you flame me to hell, I will stand by my statement that age has a big effect on writing. What comes with age and existance? Experience. With experience you understand life much better, and therefore you are able to drawn on your experiences and craft better images and allusions. Also, writing is alot like math in the way Einstein was a mathematical/physic genius, yet he is considered to be a [developmentally delayed] in terms of writing (the term is not used to insult). This savant style occurs in writing as well. You could have a 10 year old who is 'technically' smarter than a phd. Meaning the kid is a better test-taker, but honestly when you base intelligence on test-scores you aren't basing intelligence on anything. Flame me to hell buddy... I have more to write, but I don't want to abduct this post, if you wish to assail me some more about this continue in a PM
January 29, 200521 yr Hm seems like a word fights comin on... :( Well good work on the second chapter as well as the first. Very powerful emotions showing there. short and sweet. great job :D
January 29, 200521 yr Hm seems like a word fights comin on... :( Don't worry I'm going to keep it out of the topic and pm him tommorow ~^v^~Ex-Leader of the Divine Flames of Redemption~^v^~
January 29, 200521 yr I really enjoy this story Tenshi, it is one of the very best I've read on a forum. You show emotion very well and it kind of draws you into the story. I have a friend who's writing style is very similar to yours. I always enjoy a love story as well. A story in which you feel the emotion of the characters, and the feelings they have for each other. Then sorting through conflicts that arise. As for the flame war getting started..... Everyone is entitled to a different opinion, and everyone will "see" this story in a different perspective. Writing ability is not one simple attribute, it takes many abilities to write a truely great piece of art. Age and intelligence like you two have stated, but it is more than that. The way you live, and events that occur in life, your firends, quality of life all change your writing. People who have a passion for literature will usually be able to write better then someone who doesn't really care. The list could go on forever.Your both right in your own mind, so don't fight about it; just sit back and enjoy this great story. Keep up the good work Tenshi, I will surely read the next one. :wink:
January 29, 200521 yr I really enjoy this story Tenshi, it is one of the very best I've read on a forum. You show emotion very well and it kind of draws you into the story. I have a friend who's writing style is very similar to yours. I always enjoy a love story as well. A story in which you feel the emotion of the characters, and the feelings they have for each other. Then sorting through conflicts that arise. As for the flame war getting started..... Everyone is entitled to a different opinion, and everyone will "see" this story in a different perspective. Writing ability is not one simple attribute, it takes many abilities to write a truely great piece of art. Age and intelligence like you two have stated, but it is more than that. The way you live, and events that occur in life, your firends, quality of life all change your writing. People who have a passion for literature will usually be able to write better then someone who doesn't really care. The list could go on forever.Your both right in your own mind, so don't fight about it; just sit back and enjoy this great story. Keep up the good work Tenshi, I will surely read the next one. :wink: Its actually not much of a flame war more of a debate he has some pretty good views on this its proving to be my hardest debate ever but we are having fun with it. I may post it on off topic forums once we are done so we can get more views. ~^v^~Ex-Leader of the Divine Flames of Redemption~^v^~
January 30, 200521 yr As for the flame war getting started..... Everyone is entitled to a different opinion, and everyone will "see" this story in a different perspective. Writing ability is not one simple attribute, it takes many abilities to write a truely great piece of art. Age and intelligence like you two have stated, but it is more than that. The way you live, and events that occur in life, your firends, quality of life all change your writing. People who have a passion for literature will usually be able to write better then someone who doesn't really care. The list could go on forever.Your both right in your own mind, so don't fight about it; just sit back and enjoy this great story. Keep up the good work Tenshi, I will surely read the next one. I second that :D
February 1, 200521 yr Wow, very good story tenchi. You had to mention the breasts didn't ya? :mrgreen: Anyway, he'll right when he feels compelled to, homefully sometime soon. :D It fits the part well. Don't you think thats what a teenage boy thinks about? thats what I thought of when I was that age and I still do. I am that age. :D As for the flame war, dont make a mod lock this thread, its a good story.And Tenchi, keep up the good work. To stand in the valley of death is one thing, to not have been able to stop the chaos is another.
February 2, 200521 yr Author Cynical1, thanks for your comments, I know yuo're trying ot help me with my writing, so I'm glad you did xD Also, thanks crimsonking for writing all that in response to him... I'm aware that my writing skills need alot of brushing up (My first attempt at a novel-type story, really) and I have "screwed up" (to put it nicely) what emotions they are feeling. XD I learnt a few weeks ago that emotions and feelings should be shown to the reader, not told. ^^ I have told the reader what they are feeling for several parts there, but I wrote this maybe 3 months ago or more, so I could improve on it a whole lot XD Also, i seem to write a little different to many other people, because I am influenced alot by Anime which I watch, and everything I have written here, I se ein my head as a scene very much like anime. XD Cliche's will always be sene in my work, I guess I gotta work on that. =P Everyone is entitled to their opinion, so thanks everyon! Enough of my rantingness: here we go! Chapter three Part one - Weakness ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ãâ¦Ã¢â¬ÅLandon, dear, can you go out and buy some milk for me?ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬ÃâÃ
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