dangelo Posted July 23, 2007 Share Posted July 23, 2007 CHAPTER 1 There is talk of an ancient scroll. A scroll so great it would rock the foundations of the modern world. A scroll that challenged the greatest beings, the three beloved Gods of runescape. The scroll talks of Zaros. Zaros, the greatest, the leader of the four some believe. Zaros the mere mortal others. Let us hope that the truth that the scroll holds is revealed in the near future. Every two years there is talk of a great adventurer being sent by King Roald in search of this relic with no such success. Most are driven wild by the senseless searching, not knowing where to start, never knowing where to end. Five years had passed since the last brave man had been sent to his certain demise, and the King must choose another from the brave batch sent to the palace. The great warriors who had been summoned to meet with His Royal Majesty, King Roald the Second, felt like Christmas had come early. They where waiting the Varrock palace, possibly one of the most amazing pieces of architecture ever built. The palace held more rooms than these warriors could even imagine, but they where relaxing and dinning in possibly the most amazing of all. The grand hall which went for as far as the naked eye could see from end to end. Amazing drapes adorning each and every wall with art from Leonard, the great runescape artist to ever live, covering the ceiling. Not one inch was ugly in this hall, except for at present with two dozen brutes lounging on cushions and drinking ale from tankards as large as their hands. All this was spoilt when the royal fan fair came from each and every crevice of the room. His Royal Highness, King Roald the Second swept into the room, not even looking at the brute in front of him, trying to make his small build appear as large as possible. "BURppppppppp, scuse me Gov'," exclaimed one of the filthy heroes King Roald surveyed the men in front of him. He found the ceremony of "Sending Forth," so tedious.The time honored tradition his great-grandfather had started really wore thin after the second ceremony. Being stuck in a room full of great warriors and heroes, who together failed to string two coherent sentence together, for two whole hours really did hurt the poor man. "Sir, may I suggest one chooses between Dispute the Amazing and Trall the Great this year?," grated the voice of Croll in his ear. Croll had been with the family for over 50 years. Man-servant to his great-grandfather, his father and now, unfortunately, to him. Unfortunate due to the fact that Roald the Second was forced into the family profession sooner rather than later,due to the fact that Roald the First unfortunately fell out of a third floor window in the Varrock Palace into the courtyard below. It was no surprise that Roald the First met an untimely death, but Roald Jr more than hoped he would see his time at the Rangers guild through. "Just give me the list Croll and let me see." The list read like a who's who of heroes. Anyone who had killed anything larger than themselves or saved a beautiful woman was on it. Three of the names caught his eye. Three names that he did not recognize. These three would be the lucky three then. Hopefully they would have more than three braincells to share. "Step forward Stewart the Dragon Slayer, Roger then Rouge and STAN." There was silence in the great hall, not one man moved, not even a muscle. "I WILL BE OBEYED!" bellowed Roald, "I am the king and all." "If I may be so bold to take Sir to one side," whispered Croll. "Not now, I am trying to be in charge here," said Roald in what he hoped was a lofty Kinging voice. "As one wishes," replied Croll, secretly smirking, waiting to see his king make a fool of himself. The king managed to spend ten minutes huffing and puffing and failing to blow anything down before hearing the laughter from the corner. "Would Croll like to share this joke with the rest of the group?" demanded the King. "I did try to tell Sir, but the three you search for, they didn't turn up." After dismissing the would be adventures from his hall, Roald collapsed into a chair with the ever present Croll standing by his side. "Did I make an idiot of myself Croll?" "Well not as such Sir,although one did threaten to have everyone in the room hung if the three you choose did not step forward. I also seem to remember you telling them that they would then have the Tribesmen from Karamja eat them after they where hanged. So all in all Sir, not a bad day." Roald sunk even further into his chair, "Just find them for me Croll, before I managed to make an even bigger idiot of myself." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- This is my first piece of fantasy writing so please be nice. I plan to write the next chapter tomorrow :D Tell me what you tthink, and please be truthful. I'm a big boy now The first posts made no sense because I had missed out a part of the story without realising to be honest. Anyway, post away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
llamster Posted July 23, 2007 Share Posted July 23, 2007 Looks nice. Try being more desciptive. Where is this taking place? What does King Ronald look like? Ah, this reminds me about the noob on the Runescape forums who was upset with the quest "Cold War" because apparently his grandparents died in the war. :wall: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dangelo Posted July 23, 2007 Author Share Posted July 23, 2007 Looks nice. Try being more desciptive. Where is this taking place? What does King Ronald look like? If you had any knowledge of runescape you would know what ronald looks like and "the palace" is the only palace I know of in rs.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
llamster Posted July 23, 2007 Share Posted July 23, 2007 You should always assume that the reader has no idea what you are talking about. Relying on the reader to figure the story out is not a good idea. P.S. It's Roald, not Ronald. Ah, this reminds me about the noob on the Runescape forums who was upset with the quest "Cold War" because apparently his grandparents died in the war. :wall: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dangelo Posted July 23, 2007 Author Share Posted July 23, 2007 You should always assume that the reader has no idea what you are talking about. Relying on the reader to figure the story out is not a good idea. P.S. It's Roald, not Ronald. Yer I was debating what his name was to be honest. I originaly had Roald but the guy who proofed it changed it so meh. Also, on a Runescape related forum I would expect people to know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Revenga Posted July 23, 2007 Share Posted July 23, 2007 It was pretty nice. But once again, I guess I'm too picky for writting as it didn't seem to appeal to me much. More action. Needs drugs, prostitutes, and Pimps. Wait this is Runescape, isn't it? Oops. Very nice Dangelo. |Msg me me in-game | IrreIephant| ^ capital i Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
llamster Posted July 23, 2007 Share Posted July 23, 2007 Just because they know doesn't mean that you don't have to be descriptive. If you are descriptive, people will like your story better. Ah, this reminds me about the noob on the Runescape forums who was upset with the quest "Cold War" because apparently his grandparents died in the war. :wall: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Revenga Posted July 23, 2007 Share Posted July 23, 2007 Just because they know doesn't mean that you don't have to be descriptive. If you are descriptive, people will like your story better. Well said. No good story writters lack detail, that's for sure. |Msg me me in-game | IrreIephant| ^ capital i Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Marco Posted July 23, 2007 Share Posted July 23, 2007 Heh, I like, I like a lot. STAN sounds like he's going to be a good laugh :P Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Revenga Posted July 23, 2007 Share Posted July 23, 2007 This story sort of reminds me of A Song of Ice and Fire. Take it as good, it's written by a profession, rich, author. Or take it as bad, I stopped reading it after 50 pages ( It was a 1k + paged book. ) Just a note. |Msg me me in-game | IrreIephant| ^ capital i Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dangelo Posted July 23, 2007 Author Share Posted July 23, 2007 Never heard of it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
llamster Posted July 23, 2007 Share Posted July 23, 2007 It's now much better. Ah, this reminds me about the noob on the Runescape forums who was upset with the quest "Cold War" because apparently his grandparents died in the war. :wall: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Hiitchhiiker Posted July 23, 2007 Share Posted July 23, 2007 Hey. I liked the general idea of the story, and how it started, but you've got a lot of grammar and spelling mistakes. It's great for a first attempt at writing fantasy, though. :thumbsup: I liked it. It could be better though, Hiitchhiiker Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archimage_a Posted July 23, 2007 Share Posted July 23, 2007 Errrr let me see... People will love it if you describe your scenes...but as I discovered they won't post much because there is little to comment on...well if everything is good...but not drop dead amazing(I.e. way beyond anything ever seen before...Even better than Shakespeare...) Also...I have always at least tried at grammar...but usually its never quite perfect because of the way I speak...But usually does't make the blindest bit of difference...Spelling is perhaps more so important...but equally near enough is good enough... Always try to remember that no matter how good(Or bad) other people say it is...it doesn't really matter...If you think its as good as you can do...or at least it was good enough for you to look at and go...'yeah I can understand that' it doesn't really matter what anyone says. Anyway I rate it...Interested out of Enthralled, AND Pretty Darn Good out of Excellent. http://www.uzzisoft..../archimage.jpegWell I knew you wouldn't agree. I know how you hate facing facts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
powerent Posted July 23, 2007 Share Posted July 23, 2007 More detail is advised, and using a thesaurus would help to find words or phrases to replace a few "unfortunately"-ies and some "due-to"s. I would use things like "to the king's regret" for "unfortunately" and "as a result of" for "due to". I've read the first two books of A Song of Ice and Fire myself, and they have some pretty gory detail, and too much detail in the sex scenes, and yes, there are some in the books. Keep writing, and follow what Archimage and I say, and you'll go far. That makes us sound like a team, which we aren't. You have no idea how powerful words are....until they hit you in the head. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archimage_a Posted July 23, 2007 Share Posted July 23, 2007 No...Powerent is well liked and a nice person really... I am well hated and a helpful person... Ummm this is sounding more and more like a team....Errr In the Immortal words of Monty Python RUN AWAY!!! Serouisly though you should listen to everyone in the forums. Even the people like me you have probably got the impression of being a terrible writer...well if you have had the misfortune to read my rubbisher works... But powerent has a really good point: you should use a more varried Vocabulary. I mean I usually avoid using the same words more than once in the same post...It makes the story seem more Intriging, because it means that you are not reading the same words over and over in a mish-mash of Interest for the story... P.S. Never read the books...bit of a shame now because it seems they are good...and I had the chance to pick one up earlier...Thats life I suppose...and I am rambling... http://www.uzzisoft..../archimage.jpegWell I knew you wouldn't agree. I know how you hate facing facts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
powerent Posted July 24, 2007 Share Posted July 24, 2007 "Three is the number to count, and the number to count is three. A counting of four is not allowed, nor is a counting of two. Five seconds is too great a counting."--Paraphrase from Monty Python and the Holy Grail, the "holy hand grenade" I just felt the need to quote Monty python right about now, that's why I said it. Don't even listen to the critics if you don't want to, just remember that they sometimes have advice that would help greatly. We have our opinions on someone's piece of work, other people have theirs. "You can please some of the people all the time, all of the people some of the time, but NEVER all of the people all the time."--"Abraham Lincoln. Listen to Honest Abe (or at least that quote) and you'll be fine in the varrock library. Best regards, and keep writing, Powerent You have no idea how powerful words are....until they hit you in the head. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dangelo Posted July 24, 2007 Author Share Posted July 24, 2007 I really am not happy with what I have written anyway. Fantasy is not the way I like to write. I have had a few short stories published in lesser publications before but all relevant to real life. I might churn out a few more chapters later but I think for now I shall keep it on hold. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
archimage_a Posted July 24, 2007 Share Posted July 24, 2007 Well remember there is not really that many decisions you cannot go back on....You can write some more later even if you want to give up forever... Personally I though I would give up serouis writing, but from time to time I get the urge to write something serouis....It usually turns out better than anything else...So what I am saying is don't give up just because you can't do something, or because you don't like it...I don't like to say bad things(So a reviewer is a pretty slilly choice...) but I will say them when they merit saying... Write what merits being written...and no matter what it is it will be good... But always remeber...THIS ISN"T SET IN STONE, YOU CAN CHANGE IT. http://www.uzzisoft..../archimage.jpegWell I knew you wouldn't agree. I know how you hate facing facts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now