The Elemental Rifts - Chapter 6 up now... READ OR DIE! Haha!

[nine naked men]

Hey, Langzor here, new to the world of writing.

 

 

 

I've thought up a new series that could be cool, it's about 4 Elemental Rifts that have been opened, and are now wreaking havoc over the land. It's going to be 5 Books long, each separated into a number of chapters that I haven't quite decided yet. So, here's the first chapter, a Prologue to the events of the first book, The Earth Rift. C/C is appreciated and so are any new ideas you that you think could contribute to the series.

 

 

 

The Earth Rift

 

 

 

Prologue

 

 

 

Deep within the Nictohyle Forest, where trees strangled the sunlight shining thinly through their twisted branches, turning the landscape beneath the canopy into a state of permanent semi-darkness, a hooded figure stood confidently, muttering words under his breath with a sort of wicked glee. He pronounced the final word with a triumphant flourish of his hands and looked at the land around him expectantly.

 

 

 

Seconds passed, but finally, with a rumble and a crack, the earth beneath him started to move upwards, like a [bleep]e thrust upwards by the Earth God, Parkus.

 

 

 

ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ãâ¦Ã¢â¬ÅNow, it begins,ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬ÃâÃ

[Jopie211]

I'm not an expert, but I liked it. Looking forward to reading more from you. :)

[nine naked men]

I'm not an expert, but I liked it. Looking forward to reading more from you. :)

 

 

 

: Thanks!

 

 

 

Ok, Chapter 1, going up now. (I was sick of getting snapped in CoD4, so I decided to keep writing, lol.)

 

 

 

Chapter 1

 

 

 

Ruben was awoken by the sunlight shining through his bedroom window, bathing part of his bed in a harsh yellow glow. Shielding his eyes from the glare, he rolled out of bed, hitting the ground with a dull thud. He stood unsteadily, rubbing his head. He looked around the bedroom, taking in the aftermath of the previous night. Bottles of alcohol, some only half-empty, littered the floor. He picked one up, held it to the light, and then drained it, throwing the empty bottle to the ground, where it shattered on the stone floor into a sparkling pile of shards.

 

 

 

Stepping carefully around it, he headed for the door, still clutching at his hair, trying to distract himself from his pounding headache. He stumbled unsteadily through the house, reaching the sitting room and collapsing on the couch. Lying still until his head ceased its steady drumbeat on his skull, he tried to sooth his headache by rubbing his head tenderly. No luck.

 

 

 

It only grew louder, until it seemed like it was filling his entire world. He reluctantly lifted his head from its resting place on the armrest of the couch, and realized that his headache only contributed to part of the pounding, someone was knocking heavily on his front door.

 

 

 

Groaning, he made his way over to the door, where he peered through the keyhole at the person who obviously did not know the many joys of using the brass doorknocker fixed to the middle of the heavy oak door. When he saw who it was, he reeled back in shock. A KingÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ã¢ââ¬Å¾Ã¢s Messenger? What could he want with him? He ran into his bedroom, where he hastened to find some clothes that he could wear without causing public offence, and, possibly, a riot. Raking his hair flat with a saliva-covered hand, he heaved at the door, causing it to slowly grind inwards. He stared expectantly at the young boy.

 

 

 

ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ãâ¦Ã¢â¬ÅWell?ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬ÃâÃ

[Unoalexi]

Not bad, not bad at all. I liked it for the most part.

 

 

 

However you seem to like using commas. A lot. Now, there's nothing wrong with commas but "over combining" your sentences makes your story a chunky read. It interrupts the "flow" if you know what I mean.

 

 

 

For example, here-

 

He stumbled unsteadily through the house, reaching the sitting room and collapsing on the couch.

 

 

 

This sentence is particularly choppy. You can occasionally use commas without conjunction words(and, for, to). but you shouldn't do this often, definitely not twice in the same sentence. You could combine all the elements(He stumbled through the house, reached the sitting room, collapsed on the couch) into one sentence, but you need to use conjunctions so that it flows with the rest of the story.

 

 

 

Also, you use two separate tenses in the same sentence..

 

~~~~

 

Your grammar needs work-6 kittens out of 10

 

 

 

The plot itself was interesting enough, although I can't really give it a grade until the story ends.. 8 kittens out of 10

 

 

 

The characters were good as well, although, once again, I can't truly grade them until the middle or end of the story.. 8 kittens out of ten.

 

 

 

Final rating-22 kittens out of thirty.

[Xewleer]

Sounds interesting. Won't judge until I read more though.

[ThruItAll]

Can I just say that the start sounded like the start of Eragon?

[Harakiri]

Can I just say that the start sounded like the start of Eragon?

 

 

 

 

 

Very true...did not notice until you posted that.

[Harakiri]

Can I just say that the start sounded like the start of Eragon?

 

 

 

 

 

Very true...did not notice until you posted that.

[Xewleer]

Can I just say that the start sounded like the start of Eragon?

 

 

 

 

 

Very true...did not notice until you posted that.

 

 

 

Really? I found it very different, but yes, it is a similar style.

 

 

 

oooh... 2x post

[Nom]

The beginning really is a bit like Eragon in terms of style and sequence, but otherwise it's completely different.

[nine naked men]

The beginning really is a bit like Eragon in terms of style and sequence, but otherwise it's completely different.

 

 

 

Really? Well, that's weird. But let me assure you, it has nothing to do with dragons. I haven't even read the Eragon books, lol. I've seen the movie, though. It wasn't very good. :? Ok, now I'm rambling, here's Chapter 2, enjoy!

 

 

 

Chapter 2

 

 

 

As Ruben paced through the streets, following the little Messenger through the streets, which were unusually crowded for the middle of the day, where people were usually hurrying home to prepare lunch.

 

 

 

Maybe theyÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ã¢ââ¬Å¾Ã¢re hosting a fete of some sorts? Ruben thought, noting the trees and plants which seemed to sprout from everywhere, with bright purple and yellow flowers growing on them.

 

 

 

Then he saw some people try to hack the vines apart with axes, or burn them to cinders with torches, he decided that it must be some kind of infestation.

 

 

 

When they reached the palace gates, the Messenger saluted to the two guards on duty and said, ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ãâ¦Ã¢â¬ÅJust taking Sir Ruben to see His Majesty, Corporals.ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬ÃâÃ

[Xewleer]

ha ha ha! Worthington!

 

 

 

Ha ha!

 

 

 

I didn't really get the Eragon vibes there, good chapter.

[nine naked men]

ha ha ha! Worthington!

 

 

 

Ha ha!

 

 

 

I didn't really get the Eragon vibes there, good chapter.

 

 

 

Yeah, I needed a really pompous sounding name, and I came up with Worthington. Spur of the moment thing. :XD:

[Nom]

Definitely unique this time around, good chapter.

 

 

 

And I implore you not to judge Eragon on the basis of the movie. The movie took the book, dunked it in acid, set in on fire, and shredded it into tiny pieces.

 

 

 

And it sucked.

[Unoalexi]

 

 

 

And I implore you not to judge Eragon on the basis of the movie. The movie took the book, dunked it in acid, set in on fire, and shredded it into tiny pieces.

 

 

 

And it sucked.

 

 

 

Indeed. I practically cried at the end of it.

 

 

 

Not bad on the new chapter, but your grammar definitely still needs work..

[Xewleer]

 

 

 

And I implore you not to judge Eragon on the basis of the movie. The movie took the book, dunked it in acid, set in on fire, and shredded it into tiny pieces.

 

 

 

And it sucked.

 

 

 

Indeed. I practically cried at the end of it.

 

 

 

Not bad on the new chapter, but your grammar definitely still needs work..

 

 

 

AND it nearly turned me emo...

[nzall]

 

 

 

Chapter 2

 

 

 

As Ruben paced through the streets, following the little Messenger through the streets, which were unusually crowded for the middle of the day, where people were usually hurrying home to prepare lunch.

 

 

 

 

I really don't think you need to say "the streets" twice here. Also quite a few commas.

[Zonorhc]

As Ruben paced through the streets, following the little Messenger through the streets, which were unusually crowded for the middle of the day, where people were usually hurrying home to prepare lunch.

 

 

 

And as he paced through the streets... what, exactly? I think you managed to leave out the other half of that sentence.

 

 

 

Consider that everything after the first instance of "streets" is what is called in grammatical terms an "adjunct", meaning that it can be left out and still maintain the clause's meaning. You would get this:

 

 

 

*As Ruben paced through the streets.

 

 

 

You need something to follow that, like:

 

 

 

As Ruben paced through the streets, he was confronted by a delicious and moist cake.

 

 

 

In that example, you can put all the description you had originally between "streets" and "he".

 

 

 

Also, the name Ruben is not doing anything for me. It sounds too modern and conventional, and really jars against the fantasy setting you're trying to get across.

[Hunter360x]

Nice story mate. I look forward to reading more.

 

 

 

Hunter

[nine naked men]

As Ruben paced through the streets, following the little Messenger through the streets, which were unusually crowded for the middle of the day, where people were usually hurrying home to prepare lunch.

 

 

 

And as he paced through the streets... what, exactly? I think you managed to leave out the other half of that sentence.

 

 

 

Consider that everything after the first instance of "streets" is what is called in grammatical terms an "adjunct", meaning that it can be left out and still maintain the clause's meaning. You would get this:

 

 

 

*As Ruben paced through the streets.

 

 

 

You need something to follow that, like:

 

 

 

As Ruben paced through the streets, he was confronted by a delicious and moist cake.

 

 

 

In that example, you can put all the description you had originally between "streets" and "he".

 

 

 

Also, the name Ruben is not doing anything for me. It sounds too modern and conventional, and really jars against the fantasy setting you're trying to get across.

 

 

 

Yeah, my chapter didn't go through much in the way of editing, I really should try and thoroughly check my posts before I just stick 'em up.

 

 

 

And, as for the name, I like Ruben. Keys positioned near where my hands usually rest lets me type faster. And the reason there's so many grammar mistakes is because: a) I fail at it, and B) I'm writing this in the early morning, so I'm like a zombified twinkie at that hour of the morning.

 

 

 

P.S Didn't get to write a new chapter today, seeing as it's Christmas. Soooo, expect one in the afternoon hours of tomorrow, and Merry Christmas all!

[nine naked men]

Chapter 3

 

 

 

ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ãâ¦Ã¢â¬ÅWait, before we begin, can we have some introductions? I know who you are, Your Majesty, and Ruben needs no introduction, IÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ã¢ââ¬Å¾Ã¢m sure,ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬ÃâÃ

[Xewleer]

Fascinating chapter as always, ending needed a little more... 'oomph' if you know what I mean

[nine naked men]

Fascinating chapter as always, ending needed a little more... 'oomph' if you know what I mean

 

 

 

Fascinating? You flatter me, Xew. I couldn't think of another way to end the chapter without making it longer... And I like to keep my chapters short, especially at 4 in the morning. :P

[llamster]

Your grammar needs work. Otherwise, it's quite good.

[nine naked men]

Here's number 4, enjoy!

 

 

 

Chapter 4

 

 

 

Tiana sprung into action, drawing two daggers from the folds of her clothing and severing the flower at the stem, and then she proceeded to hack at the other flowers, which had begun to grow barbs and other sharp projectiles. The door was then blasted in forcefully.

 

 

 

So much for impenetrable, huh? Ruben thought grimly, ducking a sharp sliver of wood expelled from the centre of an evil-looking purple flower.

 

 

 

Sweeping up the guardÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ã¢ââ¬Å¾Ã¢s spear from where he had fallen, pierced through the stomach by a vineÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ã¢ââ¬Å¾Ã¢s pointed end, he looked over at Marik, who had his staff in his hands and his eyes shut, apparently concentrating.

 

 

 

Then he flourished his staff at a space just above the door, which collapsed in an explosion of dust and stone, blocking it completely. Spinning, he aimed his staff again, but this time at the vine, which was writhing and growing larger despite the frantic efforts of Tiana.

 

 

 

The wild plant smashed Tiana to the floor with a sweep of a vine, which then took aim at her with a long [bleep]e of wood. Just as the stick was about to pierce TianaÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ã¢ââ¬Å¾Ã¢s throat, it, and the entire plant, burst into flame.

 

 

 

ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬Ãâ¦Ã¢â¬ÅFollow me!ÃÆââââ¬Å¡Ã¬ÃâÃ