Vampyric

[dragoncmd]

Decided to log in again, and clicked on this story at random. Have to say I'm impresed. I haven't read Twilight or very many other vampire novels outside of amatuer (spelling?) writing. I'd recomend looking for an editor, its nearly impossible to catch all your mistakes by yourself, and I'm sure someone would be willing to edit a story as interesting as this.

 

 

 

Two specific comments:

 

First spelling in the second post:

 

Alex had never been this close to these three, and for the first time noticed that their eyes were red. Not just red, but blood red. The oly exception was the girl standing in the middle. She had cold, steel blue eyes. As if knowing Alex was staring, she turned her head, meeting her gaze. Looking into her eyes, Alex felt calmed.

 

 

 

Also, I found this passage extremely strange after the preceeding few paragraphs.

 

Madeline led Alex up a large, marble staircase, into a tall, narrow hallway. All of the opulent wooden doors except two were closed tight, and Madeline led her to one on the end of the hall. They strode into a large wthite room, which had one bed, and nothing else.

 

 

 

"Sorry about the lack of decoration," said Madeline self-consciously, "We aren't used to human visitors."

 

You've just stated that this family is extremely wealthy, and love luxury, and yet the room is sparse and undecorated?

 

 

 

More generally, Alex is a bit shallow of a character at this point, her responses seem to be complete trust and admiration, fear, or hate. Flesh her out a bit more.

 

 

 

Overall, thrilling story, I'll hunt it down for updates next time I'm on, but look into finding an editor.

 

 

 

Good luck!

[Dreamtongirl]

Jeepers.. Everyone disses Twilight on here. I'm very impressed that a boy has read the series, however. Good job.

 

 

 

I really like your story, also. It is a bit similar, but you put your own twist to it. Keep it up.

[whitedwarf99]

nice story, i liked twilight and i love this :) will keep watching this for new parts :)

[JRD111]

Well, if you at least know a little about Vampires, you'd know the last question... But, that still remains on how the first ever vampire became one :?:

 

 

 

Depends where you want to go with this, demon-human mix or science experiment gone wrong. Or you could always go with I Am Legend, they all has vampire aids caused by genetic mutation of diseases.

 

 

 

I prefer to think vampires are the result demons kidnapping human babies and performing rituals and such. :geek:

[mr_dude160]

Well, this will be my last post on THIS forum for this story, for anyone who really wants to see it, pm me for a link to where i am now posting my story. And in response to "where do vampires come from," i have a really interesting twist on that, don't worry, it's addressed.